To think my husband needs to contribute more?

[BorisJohnsonsBarbershop]

I work between 40-50hrs a week doing shifts, occasionally more if work are really short staffed, in a very stressful job as an A&E doctor. I have to work these hours as I earn quite a lot more than my husband and pay most of the bills, but I also do the majority of housework.

He works roughly 37.5hrs a week flexitime in an office job, does pick up for the kids three days a week and puts them to bed most nights. He empties bins when they're overflowing, puts a load of laundry on when he runs out of clothes, and puts a load of dishes on when there's no clean ones left. He won't hoover, change beds, clean bathrooms, put laundry away, sweep or mop floors, or even tidy up at the end of a day.

If I challenge him about this he says he doesn't care, it's my job to do the cleaning, and he doesn't mind if it's done or not anyway because it's "not important". If we argue, which is frequently at the moment, he calls me lazy and complains that I'm always grumpy. I've just cleaned the toilets and found that he's left one in a disgusting state and not even attempted to clean it, but says "it doesn't matter, it's a toilet".

AIBU to expect household jobs to be shared more equally? Or is he right and I'm just a moany cow?

You think either partner (whether man or woman) saying this to the other is 'pretty fair'?

If I challenge him about this he says he doesn't care, it's my job to do the cleaning.

Just remember you’re teaching those primary age children that women have to do it all, and men can just wash their hands of cleaning responsibilities

If I challenge him about this he says he doesn't care, it's my job to do the cleaning.

I don’t think this is a sexism thing. I think he thinks he does the bulk of the childcare, so OP should do the bulk of the cleaning. It’s because of how labour is divided, not because OP is a woman.

Yes in this context. After all doing the bulk of childcare is his job is it not?

replace him with a cleaner...

Have also considered the divorce option, but we have three school age children and I don't want to upset their lives.

You're currently both teaching them even if both partners work full time, it's ultimately a woman's job to clean simply because she has a vagina...

If I challenge him about this he says he doesn't care, it's my job to do the cleaning I could not imagine staying married to someone who said this.

Seriously, why are you still married to this person? He sounds awful, that comment is so unreasonable.

Tell him if it's your job to clean, it's his to provide financially so why the fuck are you doing that too?

He's taking the piss.

I don’t think that is the case. OPs demanding, important job means he has to have the lower hour, flexible job so the children are cared for. If we say that the DH has to do everything on that list, what will the OP be contributing? Hardly anything imho.

this too...

You've either read it wrong or are being deliberately contrary.

Cleaner. If that doesn't work, divorce.

Seriously.

Well he’s a misogynistic twat.

You could try a bit of reverse misogyny and tell him that if it’s your job to do all the cleaning because you’re a women then he needs to step up and become the breadwinner because he’s a man. If he doesn’t agree tell him he’s failing as a man. 🤷‍♀️

I’m joking of course.

However he clearly has little to no respect for you.

Either get a cleaner (that you both pay 50/50 for) or tell him that things need to even up a bit. If they don’t go on strike and only clean up after yourself and the kids. Fuck him and his dirty toilets. Scummy sod.

I don’t want to scream ‘get a divorce’ but it might be worth considering if things don’t change.

Yeah definitely being a contrarian.

I think you’re deliberately making sexist assumptions. No where does the OP say that he thinks it is her job because she is a woman. You’ve assumed it.

@Onnabugeisha @HallieBo I listed the things he does because they're the only things, I do everything else. I don't feel I'm expecting him to do more than 50/50, but if I'm on a run of shifts I'll be out of the house for almost 16hrs, 3 days in a row. If I do nothing to the house in that time, by the time I finish my last shift there will be three days worth of food on/under the dining table, a pile of dishes in the sink, toys all over the floor, the same laundry hanging up etc. This is the same if I work over a weekend, when he isn't at work and has plenty of time to do the basics.

If I have a couple of days off with the children, or he's away with friends, the house is spotless when he gets back. It feels like it should be a normal thing to clean up after a meal or at the end of a day.

I would be livid with the comments about cleaning being your work. But otherwise he does seem to do a reasonable amount of jobs. It feels a bit like you expect him to do everything because of his lowly office job.

You do know that you are contradicting yourself there?!

His comment... Whose job?

We can read your other posts!

"He won't hoover, change beds, clean bathrooms, put laundry away, sweep or mop floors, or even tidy up at the end of a day."

Wow. I can understand people having differing views of how often these things need to be done. But not that they don't need to be done at all. He honestly would live somewhere where the floors were never hoovered / mopped, and toilets were NEVER cleaned? That's absolutely vile. And I'm pretty slobby.

You will have to get a cleaner. You do have to tidy for the cleaner though. How old are the kids? I would be looking to divorce someone over this attitude

If a man came on here saying this is all the woman does can you imagine the replies?

I had an epiphany of sorts while I was home. Mum and Dsis were rhapsodising about the spring cleaning job I'd done on my Mum's house, which, if I do say so myself, was pretty damned fine. BIL got hella grumpy, saying, 'so? It's just a bit of cleaning, nothing impressive.' And I actually understood what he was actually saying was 'it's not important to him, so it's not anything impressive'. However, when I weeded her rather mahoosive garden, he was very impressed with that, because he rates gardening (because he does it and is good at it), and he could look at it and see and understand (and therefore value) the hard work the new state of her garden represented.

I think, particularly with far too many men, they have never been taught or required to respect and value the work required to maintain a household to a standard that means it's a nice home to live in. For that matter, many women are also somewhat contemptuous of too much (in their opinion) time and effort being put into housework.

And I cant believe he says 'it's your job's but cant actually say why...

Has he always been like this?

Yes I read the whole post. Both people work full time, they have 3 children. His attitude stinks but is it because he's burned out too?

Rather than reach for the divorce consider relate (or at least read their website together) and outsource what you can.

Has his attitude always been this way towards cleaning or only recently? What does he do? Does he do childcare, DIY, garden, etc? Or does he do absolutely nothing? If absolutely nothing start working out what you want from this.

You seem to be under-estimating how much work it is to work full time, plus care for 3 children and are expecting a spotless home and a hot dinner on the table when you finish your 16hr shift.

OP If you don't make a change it will always be like this. It's up to you if you think you can live with someone who thinks this way.
Can't you teach him to be more decent about things?

In teaching him I mean not doing his washing and not cooking his meals. Why should he reap the benefit of your work and not ever reciprocate?