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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws cleaned our house while away....

465 replies

ohnnoclean · 28/12/2022 08:22

We were away for Christmas. In laws have our key for emergencies. The night before we left, in laws came round. I was in the middle of packing and a lot of things were everywhere ( but the house wasn't actually dirty ).

MIL kept saying, ' don't worry about cleaning the house before you leave, you won't have time '.. ( she's been asking me whether I was packed to go for about a week before I left. I don't pack a week early. I tend to pack the day before and I always manage fine. I travel a lot and always have and have traveled with my kids a lot too, so I do know what I'm doing..

Anyhow, the house wasn't dirty, there was just clothes everywhere as I was packing. MIL kept repeating I should not worry about cleaning.. kind of annoyed me, as it wasn't dirty. But OK.. I ignored it. She then said she'd come and clean while we were away. I said no don't worry at all, it's not dirty..

Of course, we got back and it's clearly been cleaned a bit ( fridge has been cleaned, for example ). Of course I'm grateful and I've said thanks. But I'm really uncomfortable with it. I assume she thinks I'm a dirty cow of course. Just the way she kept saying I shouldn't worry about cleaning - when it wasn't really dirty. The fact she was here when we were not here and the fact I had declined the offer of her cleaning my house.. it's annoyed me. I won't start a fight over it, but next time we go away, this can't happen.

OP posts:
Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 28/12/2022 08:24

If you have said thanks then she probably thinks you are pleased and will do it again next time. Just be honest with her.

NancyJoan · 28/12/2022 08:24

I would hate this. It feels very judgemental, doesn’t it? Ask them why they let themselves into the house, what was the emergency. I’d get the key back, then you’ll know it can’t happen again.

Changingplace · 28/12/2022 08:25

Why is the implication that any cleaning was your responsibility anyway? Doesn’t her son do any housework?

I can see why this is annoying though, but get your DP to talk to his mother about it.

Aquasulis · 28/12/2022 08:28

Ask your partner to ask for the key back easy and put it in a key safe instead. That way you can have anyone trustworthy in - neighbour etc and she doesn’t need the code at all.

Aquasulis · 28/12/2022 08:28

And why was she asking you and not her child about cleaning ?

Lavender14 · 28/12/2022 08:29

I would also hate this. It sounds like she's decided it would be helpful and she's been determined to do it regardless of what you said or if it needs doing probably so she can feel needed and useful.

sorrynotathome · 28/12/2022 08:29

I’d just be grateful, tbh.

FlamingJingleBells · 28/12/2022 08:29

Take it in the spirit it was intended because she probably didn't want you to come back to a messy house. There's nothing worse than coming back from holiday to a bombsite.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 28/12/2022 08:31

She’s crossed a line.

But if she likes cleaning houses could you send her my way?

WahWahWahs · 28/12/2022 08:32

She was probably just trying to do something nice, not being judgemental. If you feel uncomfortable about it, say that next time, but I would interpret this as someone trying to support you all and lighten your load.

gamerchick · 28/12/2022 08:32

Dunno I'm torn. I'd be happy if someone cleaned my fridge. It's one of the jobs I detest and the oven but that's husbands job.

It's up to your bloke to deal with her. If you're uncomfortable then she needs to be told.

MeOldBamboo · 28/12/2022 08:32

Watch these boundaries. It’s this sort of behaviour that spiralled into major control issues with my ex-MIL. She would do things like this, then re-arrange cupboards/cushions/garden pots etc because they were “wrong”. ExH never stood up for me and I wasn’t allowed to confront her about it. One of the major contributors to my divorce. They think they mean well, but undermines everything.

bigbadbarry · 28/12/2022 08:34

My MIL doesn’t visit very often but when she does she itches for me to leave the house so she can clean or organise something. She can’t help herself. I hate it because although she thinks she is helping it basically communicates that she thinks we are not good enough.

astralpiano · 28/12/2022 08:34

My mum always said "do you want me to give the kitchen a clean while I'm here - its not a judgement just offering some help if you want it" when I had a newborn and I really appreciated that she understood that it could be seen as a judgement. My MIL however would make comments about a messy floor - oh what a load of toys. And then wait until I'm out the room and tidy them then say proudly "I gave tidied the toys for you". DC would then mess the toys up in about 10 minutes 😂

Anyway I digress. DH should get the key back off her.

Myfinalthoughtsonthisissue · 28/12/2022 08:34

My mum used to do this and I loved it - no one could clean house like she could. If we went on holiday we'd often come back to find she'd had a tidy through the house. She was careful to respect personal boundaries, avoided our bedroom etc but I loved it. It was her 'act of service' to show us she cared.

Andsoforth · 28/12/2022 08:36

She’s trying to do a nice thing.

My mil is a superwoman who leaves the house immaculate every time she travels. I tend towards the security measure of confusing would be burglars that they’ve already done my house.

I invite her over for tea the night before she travels, to save on rubbish and washing up.

If mine was willing to come and clean my house I’d just leave out the rubber gloves.

ClarathecrosseyedLioness · 28/12/2022 08:36

Whahayyyyy - I'd love it !

Can I give you my address and I can cancel the cleaner? 🙂

Original poster
ohnnoclean · 28/12/2022 08:37

FlamingJingleBells · 28/12/2022 08:29

Take it in the spirit it was intended because she probably didn't want you to come back to a messy house. There's nothing worse than coming back from holiday to a bombsite.

It just wasn't a bomb site though. We left it really tidy. She even rearranged some cupboards in the kitchen.

I am not going to start a fight over it. Next time we just need to be clearer. I'm only uncomfortable because I assume she is judging the state of the place ( which was fine ) and judging me. Perhaps she didn't. I don't know.

Of course her son won't be the one ultimately responsible in her eyes for how tidy the house is. That's the DIL'a job of course Confused

OP posts:
Pugdogmom · 28/12/2022 08:40

If someone cleaned my house for me coming home from holiday, I would be delighted. I wouldn't assume they thought I was a dirty cow, I would think they were being helpful. Everyone's house gets a bit manic when they are packing for a holiday.
If she came round and cleaned while you were at work or something, THEN I would think she was being judgy on my cleaning.
I don't clean my daughters stuff, but have been round helping if they are ill or had a new baby. I don't think they are clatty mingers, I know they are busy with other stuff.

isthewashingdryyet · 28/12/2022 08:40

I went batshit when mine did this, it is rude, controlling and shows she thinks our way of doing things is not good enough. Just awful boundary crossing.

luckily her son my DH agreed, backed me up and she never touched a thing in the house again unless asked to do the job.

we then started on the garden, and I made her replant some weeds she decided we didn’t need. How dare anyone else comment on what grows in someone’s garden. My pets ate those weeds

Disneygirl37 · 28/12/2022 08:40

I would love it if someone came around and cleaned my house ! I think she thought she was doing something helpful to take the pressure of you both. I would love to come back to a clean house.

Soontobe60 · 28/12/2022 08:41

I looked after my DDs cat for 3 weeks when they went on holiday - popped in 2x daily to feed her, change litter tray, let her out etc.
when my DD returned, she asked me why I hadn’t bothered with the cleaning 😂😂😂
Seriously though, having MIL do my cleaning wouldn’t bother me. I’d love to come home to a sparkling clean home. It doesn’t signify that I’m dirty, but let’s be honest here, unless you are an obsessive cleaner, most houses would benefit from an extra clean when the occupants were away. I think you’re being a bit precious. If you don’t want anyone in the house whilst you’re away, don’t give them a key, or be very clear about your expectations “heres the spare key for emergencies, but please don’t use it for any other reason’.
Enjoy your squeaky clean home!

ImAvingOops · 28/12/2022 08:42

I think you have to reframe it in your mind to see it as it was likely intended - an act of help and support, rather than a judgement (assuming mil is generally nice).

That said, I can see why you hate it - it does feel intrusive to some people when others tidy or rearrange their houses. And it might be there's a difference between your own mum doing it and your mil.

I love it when my mum reorganises my kitchen cupboards or cleans something. It's always an improvement on how it was before, but I'd not feel so comfortable if mil did it. But I know that my mum would likely do this in my brother's house too and not feel it was different to my house. It would be done out of a desire to help.

All you can do next time is not leave her with a key and hope there is no emergency.

Soontobe60 · 28/12/2022 08:42

isthewashingdryyet · 28/12/2022 08:40

I went batshit when mine did this, it is rude, controlling and shows she thinks our way of doing things is not good enough. Just awful boundary crossing.

luckily her son my DH agreed, backed me up and she never touched a thing in the house again unless asked to do the job.

we then started on the garden, and I made her replant some weeds she decided we didn’t need. How dare anyone else comment on what grows in someone’s garden. My pets ate those weeds

OMG, you’re delightful! Replant weeds? Get a grip.

FlamingJingleBells · 28/12/2022 08:44

You said there were clothes everywhere so it can't have been that tidy. To me that's messy; not dirty but definitely not tidy.