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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH family not treating kids evenly

183 replies

Sickofpeople18 · 27/12/2022 16:32

AIBU?
My husband has 2 kids from his first marriage and 2 with me.
We normally give money to all the family kids at Christmas but couldn't manage this year, I didn't expect anyone to give any to my boys as we didn't give to their's so that's only fair but now I found out all the family gave to the 2 oldest girls and nothing to our 2 boys, because as I over hear them say on Christmas day "they gave ours nothing so I'm not bothering with their's are you?" But then to give to 2 just didn't seem fair the little ones don't understand why the bigger ones got something and they didn't. I'm upset about it, I don't know ow if I should say something or just distance from them as I know it was done out of spite.

OP posts:
Driedarebetter · 27/12/2022 16:36

It’s sexism. They see your shared kids as “yours” and see the job of getting gifts as also “yours”

Stompythedinosaur · 27/12/2022 16:37

I suppose people might have been being aware that the elder dc are more likely to feel rejected and we're trying to avoid that? It's a shame no one shared a little something for the little ones, I hate the idea that you only give gifts to receive them back.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 27/12/2022 16:42

Yanbu but this is what happens with DSC, IME. Everyone seems to think they need a bit more pandered to.

Original poster
Sickofpeople18 · 27/12/2022 16:43

@Stompythedinosaur yes I could be, I just felt so horrible for the boys as the oldest is 21 and the next down is 17 so they would understand if no one got anything but the little ones are only 4 and 3 so they saw the extended family all getting something and they got nothing, they don't understand these things. I just feel so upset for them by it all how could anyone do that to the kids they say they love.

OP posts:
Ursuladevine · 27/12/2022 16:44

So their logic was that you gave nothing so they won’t give anything?

presumably your DH’s ex still gave them something?!

Original poster
Sickofpeople18 · 27/12/2022 16:45

@Driedarebetter yes could well be that, I think I was more annoyed by them saying because we didn't give anything they wouldn't then giving to 2, I don't want my DSC to miss out of course but little ones don't understand. I think I'm just going to bring some distance

OP posts:
Sirzy · 27/12/2022 16:46

I think the age difference is relevant here. Although it would have been nice to do at least a small token gift for the smaller two.

Aprilx · 27/12/2022 16:47

Sickofpeople18 · 27/12/2022 16:43

@Stompythedinosaur yes I could be, I just felt so horrible for the boys as the oldest is 21 and the next down is 17 so they would understand if no one got anything but the little ones are only 4 and 3 so they saw the extended family all getting something and they got nothing, they don't understand these things. I just feel so upset for them by it all how could anyone do that to the kids they say they love.

I am not sure I understand how the older girls fit in, but perhaps they did partake in gift giving. You surely cannot complain that nobody got gifts for your children when you got nothing for theirs. 🧐

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 27/12/2022 16:47

Driedarebetter · 27/12/2022 16:36

It’s sexism. They see your shared kids as “yours” and see the job of getting gifts as also “yours”

This.

dontlookgottalook · 27/12/2022 16:48

I don't quite understand. Was it pre-agreed that there would be no presents?

Lenald · 27/12/2022 16:49

Maybe the older girls gave gifts or their Mum did? Maybe they have way more to do with the rest of the family than your boys do?

I feel like there’s probably a lot more to this then what has been written by you OP.

Create10 · 27/12/2022 16:49

Aprilx · 27/12/2022 16:47

I am not sure I understand how the older girls fit in, but perhaps they did partake in gift giving. You surely cannot complain that nobody got gifts for your children when you got nothing for theirs. 🧐

Show quote history

OP's partner has four children. Two girls from a previous relationship, and two boys with OP. The extended family has given gifts to the two girls but not to the two boys.

YANBU.

Unicorn717 · 27/12/2022 16:50

Did the older kids mum get them something? Not saying it's fair but that's the only way I could kind of get why they gave something back?

Ursuladevine · 27/12/2022 16:52

Sickofpeople18 · 27/12/2022 16:43

@Stompythedinosaur yes I could be, I just felt so horrible for the boys as the oldest is 21 and the next down is 17 so they would understand if no one got anything but the little ones are only 4 and 3 so they saw the extended family all getting something and they got nothing, they don't understand these things. I just feel so upset for them by it all how could anyone do that to the kids they say they love.

How did a 3 and 4 year old know when you only “found out” from other members of the family

ComtesseDeSpair · 27/12/2022 16:52

Why shouldn’t the older children have gifts? They have a different mother who presumably did give gifts to the relatives who gave to your SDC. Why should they miss out because you chose not to do gifts this year? You chose not to give gifts and say you didn’t expect your children to receive any, so you got exactly what you were expecting / wanting.

Lenald · 27/12/2022 16:53

Unless they feel like you have changed things a lot in the family dynamic and just because you’re happy for your boys not to get gifts it doesn’t mean the girls should miss out when they’ve been involved with this extended family and participated their whole life?

I think there’s a chance ybu but I have a feeling the thread isn’t going to get the full story here.

Ursuladevine · 27/12/2022 16:54

Create10 · 27/12/2022 16:49

OP's partner has four children. Two girls from a previous relationship, and two boys with OP. The extended family has given gifts to the two girls but not to the two boys.

YANBU.

Show quote history

They didn’t give gift because the Op didn’t this year.

So right to ask… well perhaps the older girls got them presents or their mother did!!

TheYummyPatler · 27/12/2022 16:54

What kind of arsehole decides not to give anything to small children and then gives their much older half siblings (very much old enough to accept receiving nothing) a gift in front of them?

Tbh, it says something that the 21 year old didn’t say something about the obvious inequity. My 22 year old would most definitely have asked a family member who bought him a gift but not his much younger half sibling what they were playing at. It’s not even like you have to spend much at all to buy something for a 3 year old.

I think you can conclude that your husband’s family are dicks who don’t see you or your children as their family. And act accordingly.

Ponderingwindow · 27/12/2022 16:54

The age gap is relevant in this scenario. The older children may have transitioned into a different grouping for gift exchange. Did the older children give gifts themselves?

Changingplace · 27/12/2022 16:55

Did you agree with all the family that nobody was giving gifts in advance?

Ursuladevine · 27/12/2022 16:55

Sickofpeople18 · 27/12/2022 16:43

@Stompythedinosaur yes I could be, I just felt so horrible for the boys as the oldest is 21 and the next down is 17 so they would understand if no one got anything but the little ones are only 4 and 3 so they saw the extended family all getting something and they got nothing, they don't understand these things. I just feel so upset for them by it all how could anyone do that to the kids they say they love.

because as I over hear them say on Christmas day "they gave ours nothing so I'm not bothering with their's are you?"

how the heck did your children find out?!

Original poster
Sickofpeople18 · 27/12/2022 16:55

@Ursuladevine No one gave anything that's why I wasn't expecting anything back, but to give to 2 and not the other 3 seems wrong to me, the older 2 didn't give anything and neither did their mum but they still were thought of when the small ones weren't.

OP posts:
Ursuladevine · 27/12/2022 16:57

Sickofpeople18 · 27/12/2022 16:55

@Ursuladevine No one gave anything that's why I wasn't expecting anything back, but to give to 2 and not the other 3 seems wrong to me, the older 2 didn't give anything and neither did their mum but they still were thought of when the small ones weren't.

How do you know that the ex didn’t give anything?

Original poster
Sickofpeople18 · 27/12/2022 16:58

@Sirzy yes I was thinking that even a chocolate santa or something not completely ignore them.

OP posts:
Ursuladevine · 27/12/2022 16:58

And out of interest, how well do you generally get on with, with this side of the family?!