DH family not treating kids evenly

[Sickofpeople18]

AIBU?
My husband has 2 kids from his first marriage and 2 with me.
We normally give money to all the family kids at Christmas but couldn't manage this year, I didn't expect anyone to give any to my boys as we didn't give to their's so that's only fair but now I found out all the family gave to the 2 oldest girls and nothing to our 2 boys, because as I over hear them say on Christmas day "they gave ours nothing so I'm not bothering with their's are you?" But then to give to 2 just didn't seem fair the little ones don't understand why the bigger ones got something and they didn't. I'm upset about it, I don't know ow if I should say something or just distance from them as I know it was done out of spite.

Eh? They're all their father's children and we're talking about their father's family. You are obviously hurting and/or insane.

OP has not said she asked for no presents for her sons.

What sort of people buy Christmas presents for their adult nieces but not their toddler nephews?

Maybe you, once you saw the family had reciprocated your non gift giving, could have given your own boys a gift to help shield them. Or could you have given others a chocolate Santa? Then the family might know that you did your best or that you do appreciate gift giving. The family could have been trying to not offend your practise of no gift giving.

OP has not said she asked for no presents for her sons

She said she wasn’t buying presents, I would certainly hope she accompanied it with a “so please don’t buy for us either”. Damn rude if she didn’t!

I once (when I was a student) had to tell my family that I couldn’t afford presents and I definitely told them not to get me anything too. They all got my presents anyway as they definitely knew how hard up I was at the time. Perhaps the wider family think OP simply doesn’t want to partake in present swapping any more and have taken her at face value. I think to exclude the two adult daughters who I gather live in another household would have been unkind.

I can see why you were upset, but at the same time, if you wanted the older two children to be excluded too, you needed their consent as well as that of their mother. You and your DH didn't seek that consent, so your ruling was ignored, and only applied to the children who were 1) solely under your care and 2) young enough to have their decisions made by you.

I think it's one of those things where you didn't quite think it through, and it's had unintended consequences.

Your step children's mother didn't get anything for these people either - well, maybe she was also financially stretched, but instead took the view that gift giving doesn't have to be reciprocal. Some people like you feel funny about accepting a present when you aren't in a position to give one - others are OK with it on the basis that they would be OK if the tables were turned. Neither approach is wrong.

Next time, if you want something to be applied to all of DH's children, you'll need to have a conversation with at least another three people.

OP, it's worth considering as well that DH's relatives have had a relationship with the stepchildren for longer than you have had, and they've created their own customs around gift giving based on how well they know them. For whatever reason, based on that longstanding relationship, they felt it would have been inappropriate to not give them a present this year.

I'm not sure how long you and your DH have been together, but the above is even more true if you came into the stepchildren's lives when they were teens rather than tiny children.

It doesn't mean that DH's family loves his older two more than his younger two, just that they probably know things about his older two that you don't. Which is not a bad thing, just a fact of creating a blended family.

Ordinary people. Young adults tend to be far more "in need" than toddlers.

I think that, as they grow older, your relationship with nieces and nephews tends to be directly with them, not via their parents. I don't think its up to my bil/sil whether I buy for their adult children, although I would respect their wishes /follow their lead regarding younger ones.

I don’t treat my adult children equally to DS2 whilst I do treat them fairly. The adult children both at university receive cash whereas DS2 presents are in line with what the adult DCs received when they were his age (less financially). Both sides of the family stop present giving at the age of 18. They may all be my children but there is clear separation as two of my children are now adults with different needs and have formed bonds with the extended family outside of the relationship of being my children. My adult children are often slipped money by family members, that is between them and the family member. They also know this will likely stop once the have finished university.

This OP. The older girls have a relationship with their family that precedes you. I doubt they see you as their stepmother at their ages and the family see the children as separate households. You literally got what you asked for so what is the problem?

This.

There is also a lot of sock puppeting on this thread I think. A fair few posters popping up with the same writing style attacking the same poster who just so happens to be disagreeing with the OP. Curiouser and curiouser.

With that logic,I would have thought it more important to give to the younger 2. The oldest are old enough to go without now. We stop buying once they hit 18.

Swapping cash around different families seems a bit strange really, and expensive. Next year have the little ones make biscuits for everyone. Nice and cheap, gifts given.

Adult step-children don't count as your kids. If it were my family then everyone would have been given gifts regardless, but nobody would expect to give the same to adults as toddlers. I think you'll have to take on board that the family genuinely didn't think you included step children in the "no presents" rule and I'm not sure why you think it would be up to you and your DH regardless. I'd left home at 17, I'd have been hugely confused if people were letting my parents dictate who was allowed to give me a gift, that would be controlling and highly inappropriate. Likewise I have very young adult niblings; I take them to lunch occasionally, chat on WhatsApp, get their gifts and invite them to events; if my sibling told me I wasn't allowed to give a gift I'd think WTF!?! and ignore them. Decisions are not up to the parent any more once they are an adult.

She did exactly that. Read the thread.

The title of your thread is misleading OP. This is a very specific situation that you invited. Given the age gap between your kids and the step kids, your in laws will have well established bonds with the older two and I can see how it wouldn’t occur to them (rightly) to apply your no gifts request to them, or to anyone else in the family. Your financial situation can’t dictate what others do. Presumably had the in-laws got your boys a chocolate Santa, that wouldn’t have been reciprocated by you?

You got what you asked for, I don’t see how you can complain?

I think YABU. You didn’t buy any of the children presents (even a chocolate Santa each) and 2 of your children did receive a small gift. I would be grateful for that tbh and direct the younger kids to the stuff they presumably DID get.

What sort of people buy Christmas presents for their adult nieces but not their toddler nephews?

Maybe the sort of people who are happy to go along with it when someone says they won’t be doing presents for each other’s children.

Maybe the sort of people that don’t want their nieces to miss out on Christmas gifts they’ve always enjoyed from their family just because their Dad moved on and created a new family.

Maybe they’re disappointed that after 17 and 21 years of buying gifts for the older children, the DH and his new partner have decided not to do gifts for their children.

If anything OP and her DH should be grateful that extended family haven’t changed things for the older children just beside they can no longer afford to do presents. It would be worse if the older children were receiving the message that they can’t have presents because dad had new children.

Op you said no kids gifts this year. Fine fair enough. You and DH understand the whole situation. LOs at 3 & 4 have no expectations of gifts.

The older children, young adults really, do have expectations of gifts (and so does their mum) DHs family are trying to maintain independent relationships with these young adults, who have no obligation to visit Aunties or Grandparents. Do they really want them going home to mum - we got nothing from Dads family?

Let it go Op you only know because of an overheard conversation

his family chose to give 100 each to the big ones in front of the little ones that is why I'm upset

But this is what you requested OP. You say you didn’t want your step daughters to get nothing, and they got something. I’m sorry OP but I get the sense that if your boys were given the token chocolate gift you’d be on here complaining that all the kids got money and your kids only got chocolate, despite you making clear there were to be no gifts to or from your family this year. I think deep down you were hoping the family would acknowledge your financial struggles and still give money to your boys. I think many people would, but you’re very unreasonable to complain that it didn’t happen.

I wonder if it was guilt -feeling the older 2dont live with their DF so felt they need to compensate. Twisted logic though.

Exactly this

Absolutely this.
The gifts the older girls received were cash so even if the 3 and 4 year old saw it handed over it must have meant very little to them; it’s not like unwrapping a parcel. Giving the two little ones actual gifts to unwrap, even if cheap, would have been much more contentious and unfair in a gathering with presumably other small children.

We have one set of nieces and nephews in their 20s who come from really disadvantageous circumstances and give them cash regularly including at our family gathering this Xmas, where we otherwise do secret Santa gifts so one gift per attendee (big family). We know our other nieces and nephews have much less need of cash and don’t do the same for them. I’d be really fed up if others in the family started objecting and begrudging them. Luckily that’s unlikely as everyone else who can afford to also gives them extra cash.

I know this isn't the point but if Christmas gift giving in the family is actually just an annual exchange of cash between families, with gifts effectively banned, what on earth is the point anyway?! I think I would have said let's call the whole thing off years ago!

I can see how as mum it would be upsetting for you, naturally if your kids are upset it’s going to upset you.

I think whether it’s BU or NBU comes down to the relationship with stepchildren as you view them as one of the kids, other clearly don’t, and it’s a hard line to draw. Do your little ones view them as “one of the kids”?

Either way it was thoughtless to gift the SC, or anyone for that matter, in front of the young children as they don’t have the band width to understand any of this.

You mentioned it’s your first time on MN too, try not to take any of it to heart too much. Many people openly admit they’re much harsher on here than they would be in real life.

Giving the two little ones actual gifts to unwrap, even if cheap, would have been much more contentious and unfair in a gathering with presumably other small children. but all the other little ones did get presents. A got presents from B and C, B got from A and C, C got from A and B and A, B and C gave to the big kids, by my understanding.
If my 5 to moaned their cousin got given a present when they knew we hadn't given them one, I'd feel I'd failed as a parent.

@Sickofpeople18 It's worth noting that you posted in AIBU which is for very robust discussion. If you wanted a more supportive experience then the Relationships board may be better.

FWIW if the older girls live with their mum and not with dad, their household will be seen as separate to yours and therefore different rules applied. They would see you and DH responsible for the rules regarding presents for your household, but that would not include his older children - unless of course you'd discussed it with his older kids and their mum too.

The worst thing was having all the kids (older and younger) together opening up gifts in the same room. It would be hard for any young child to navigate the different levels of gift giving but I hope you would have done your best to explain that you chose to not do gifts this year.

It's the lack of clear communication between the adults has led to this situation.