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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH family not treating kids evenly

183 replies

Sickofpeople18 · 27/12/2022 16:32

AIBU?
My husband has 2 kids from his first marriage and 2 with me.
We normally give money to all the family kids at Christmas but couldn't manage this year, I didn't expect anyone to give any to my boys as we didn't give to their's so that's only fair but now I found out all the family gave to the 2 oldest girls and nothing to our 2 boys, because as I over hear them say on Christmas day "they gave ours nothing so I'm not bothering with their's are you?" But then to give to 2 just didn't seem fair the little ones don't understand why the bigger ones got something and they didn't. I'm upset about it, I don't know ow if I should say something or just distance from them as I know it was done out of spite.

OP posts:
Ursuladevine · 27/12/2022 16:58

Sickofpeople18 · 27/12/2022 16:58

@Sirzy yes I was thinking that even a chocolate santa or something not completely ignore them.

What like you did their kids?

Original poster
Sickofpeople18 · 27/12/2022 17:00

@Lenald honestly the girls gave nothing, neither did their mother, they only see them rarely and the oldest maybe 3 times a year, the boys go to visit regularly.

OP posts:
IhearyouClemFandango · 27/12/2022 17:00

I suspect they feel like a slightly different family. You made the choice to not give on behalf of you and your kids, perhaps the older kids not ally give something themselves. Or as they are older fall into a bracket 9f their own as against 'DH's kids'.

My kids would probably not have noticed at that age anyway

ComtesseDeSpair · 27/12/2022 17:04

So when you said to relatives beforehand “we won’t be doing gifts this year due to cost of living so please don’t buy for our family either” or whatever (which you presumably did?) what were you expecting to happen? The SDC are a separate household, I doubt anybody would have realised you also didn’t want them to be given any gifts because you’d asked not to be. Or did you want people to ignore you saying not to buy for you and buy gifts anyway?

Create10 · 27/12/2022 17:05

ComtesseDeSpair · 27/12/2022 17:04

So when you said to relatives beforehand “we won’t be doing gifts this year due to cost of living so please don’t buy for our family either” or whatever (which you presumably did?) what were you expecting to happen? The SDC are a separate household, I doubt anybody would have realised you also didn’t want them to be given any gifts because you’d asked not to be. Or did you want people to ignore you saying not to buy for you and buy gifts anyway?

How on Earth are OP's stepchildren a different household? They are all her partner's children.

Create10 · 27/12/2022 17:06

Ursuladevine · 27/12/2022 16:58

What like you did their kids?

Show quote history

OP didn't give to one sibling and not the other though, did she?

Original poster
Sickofpeople18 · 27/12/2022 17:06

Unicorn717 · 27/12/2022 16:50

Did the older kids mum get them something? Not saying it's fair but that's the only way I could kind of get why they gave something back?

No their mum didn't and they didn't themselves either. That is why I'm so upset the little ones were ignored as we are struggling but the bigger ones got something

OP posts:
TheYummyPatler · 27/12/2022 17:06

IhearyouClemFandango · 27/12/2022 17:00

I suspect they feel like a slightly different family. You made the choice to not give on behalf of you and your kids, perhaps the older kids not ally give something themselves. Or as they are older fall into a bracket 9f their own as against 'DH's kids'.

My kids would probably not have noticed at that age anyway

this argument just exposes the double standards applied to stepfamilies.

The SC can be treated more favourably and as a separate family/their dad’s only. But god forbid any SM or their family apply the same logic.

I can’t believe people are so determined to justify people deciding that they’re going to ignore some of their brother’s kids on the basis that the second family matters less.

Ursuladevine · 27/12/2022 17:07

ComtesseDeSpair · 27/12/2022 17:04

So when you said to relatives beforehand “we won’t be doing gifts this year due to cost of living so please don’t buy for our family either” or whatever (which you presumably did?) what were you expecting to happen? The SDC are a separate household, I doubt anybody would have realised you also didn’t want them to be given any gifts because you’d asked not to be. Or did you want people to ignore you saying not to buy for you and buy gifts anyway?

Exactly.

The OP said she wasn’t going to give to any of their children.

the SC aren’t children. They are adults.

did the family give to you and your DH?

Ursuladevine · 27/12/2022 17:07

Sickofpeople18 · 27/12/2022 17:06

No their mum didn't and they didn't themselves either. That is why I'm so upset the little ones were ignored as we are struggling but the bigger ones got something

Show quote history

Did you and your dh get anything?

did you buy anything for the adults?

Bonheurdupasse · 27/12/2022 17:13

TheYummyPatler · 27/12/2022 17:06

this argument just exposes the double standards applied to stepfamilies.

The SC can be treated more favourably and as a separate family/their dad’s only. But god forbid any SM or their family apply the same logic.

I can’t believe people are so determined to justify people deciding that they’re going to ignore some of their brother’s kids on the basis that the second family matters less.

Show quote history

This.
Sorry OP. You and sadly your children are likely a lower 'tier' (barf!!) of family in your DH's family eyes.
Really shit .

Lenald · 27/12/2022 17:14

@Sickofpeople18 im sorry, I do understand why you’re upset I really do. But, the older two have been around a lot longer & you & DH made a decision and I’m guessing the family felt like it was unfair that the older girls were affected by your choice. I think what’s happened here is fair enough and next year perhaps set aside a small budget for presents for extended family.

i wouldnt see my nieces go without who I love and adore for years bc my sis and her new husband decided not to exchange presents with the kids - I really do see your extended families side here.

having said that if I was you my first reaction would also be upset but this is what you asked for. It’s not fair on the girls for the rules to change all of a sudden but you can choose what you do for your boys.

TheYummyPatler · 27/12/2022 17:15

Lenald · 27/12/2022 17:14

@Sickofpeople18 im sorry, I do understand why you’re upset I really do. But, the older two have been around a lot longer & you & DH made a decision and I’m guessing the family felt like it was unfair that the older girls were affected by your choice. I think what’s happened here is fair enough and next year perhaps set aside a small budget for presents for extended family.

i wouldnt see my nieces go without who I love and adore for years bc my sis and her new husband decided not to exchange presents with the kids - I really do see your extended families side here.

having said that if I was you my first reaction would also be upset but this is what you asked for. It’s not fair on the girls for the rules to change all of a sudden but you can choose what you do for your boys.

Are the younger children somehow less their nephews?

Original poster
Sickofpeople18 · 27/12/2022 17:15

Ursuladevine · 27/12/2022 16:58

What like you did their kids?

Show quote history

Well we are stetched financially as far as we can that's why we sais we couldn't do gifts, I wouldn't have credit all if the gboys weren't given anything if it was equal, and before it's said again by anyone no the girls didn't give gifts ans no there mother didn't either, so they gave nothing and received but the small ones who don't understand weren't thought of that is what I find so unfair that was why I said even a choc santa as the small 2 don't get why they weren't included,

OP posts:
Ursuladevine · 27/12/2022 17:16

So you have no one a present at all? No child and no adult?

Ursuladevine · 27/12/2022 17:16

Gave

Ursuladevine · 27/12/2022 17:17

You don’t get on well with this side of the family do you?

Lenald · 27/12/2022 17:18

TheYummyPatler · 27/12/2022 17:15

Are the younger children somehow less their nephews?

Show quote history

Theres probably less of a bond. And I wouldn’t let my sisters new husband come in and change the rules of me giving gifts to my nieces when I have done so all my life.

if they don’t want to exchange for their sons that’s they’re choice they suggested it, it’s just coke with unforeseen consequences because they didn’t consider how the family would feel not buying for people who have been in their lives 17/21 years.

there’s two sides to this.

Ursuladevine · 27/12/2022 17:18

I am still wondering how your children found out if you only found out by “overhearing”?!

Ursuladevine · 27/12/2022 17:20

Some one says to me “I’m not doing the kids presents this year”

I would think “fair enough I’m struggling a bit too and they get so much so all good”

But I don’t regard a 17 and 21 year old as “kids” and at this age it’s not loads of plastic and endless toys, so I would think entirely reasonable to buy a candle or something

Original poster
Sickofpeople18 · 27/12/2022 17:20

Ursuladevine · 27/12/2022 17:07

Did you and your dh get anything?

did you buy anything for the adults?

Show quote history

No we got nothing and we gave nothing as in his family it is only the kids that get presents and his presents not the rest of the adults it makes it too much with how many there is,

OP posts:
TheYummyPatler · 27/12/2022 17:21

Lenald · 27/12/2022 17:18

Theres probably less of a bond. And I wouldn’t let my sisters new husband come in and change the rules of me giving gifts to my nieces when I have done so all my life.

if they don’t want to exchange for their sons that’s they’re choice they suggested it, it’s just coke with unforeseen consequences because they didn’t consider how the family would feel not buying for people who have been in their lives 17/21 years.

there’s two sides to this.

Show quote history

So you would consider your nephews less family than your nieces. And you’d decide to blame his second wife for it all.

@Driedarebetter hit the nail on the head in the first reply.

Ursuladevine · 27/12/2022 17:22

Sickofpeople18 · 27/12/2022 17:20

No we got nothing and we gave nothing as in his family it is only the kids that get presents and his presents not the rest of the adults it makes it too much with how many there is,

Show quote history

So let me get this straight

literally the only presents given that day was to your SC. No other child or adult exchanged a single other present?

maryberryslayers · 27/12/2022 17:22

Why didn't you 'just give chocolate Santa's' then your kids would have gotten something in return.

Ursuladevine · 27/12/2022 17:23

And interestingly - you still haven’t answer how well you get on with his side of the family generally