DH family not treating kids evenly

[Sickofpeople18]

AIBU?
My husband has 2 kids from his first marriage and 2 with me.
We normally give money to all the family kids at Christmas but couldn't manage this year, I didn't expect anyone to give any to my boys as we didn't give to their's so that's only fair but now I found out all the family gave to the 2 oldest girls and nothing to our 2 boys, because as I over hear them say on Christmas day "they gave ours nothing so I'm not bothering with their's are you?" But then to give to 2 just didn't seem fair the little ones don't understand why the bigger ones got something and they didn't. I'm upset about it, I don't know ow if I should say something or just distance from them as I know it was done out of spite.

Seriously if you could read as good as you could comment something might go in, let's get this cos I am not answering you again, you are just a troll from all I can see.
Right we are broke presents or food. I over heard my DH sibling saying they weren't getting anything for the boys cos we were getting theirs anything, then they gave the 2 older ones who gave them nothing 100 each infant of the 2 small kids then the 4 ye old asked us why he got nothing. I have always given them something every year I never said there was no one but them 2 getting present I sais we gave nothing ans no one gave to us, I yet on great or so I thought with his family, he is really upset by it all too, anything else? Don't bother me again

What is the age range of the other children that you would have normally bought for in past years? Are they closer in age to your younger 2 or are they closer to adulthood? These would have been kids seeing relatives, mostly cousins I am guessing, getting a gift when they did not receive one in return. Yet the givers of these gifts didn’t think it inappropriate to do to their own children. That makes me wonder if there is some significant age difference or other dynamic at play here that makes this particular gifting different.

You have not right to dicate their relationship with their neices they aren't your kids. They respected your wishes and didn't exchange gifts. What's the problem. You wanted your dsds to go without.

No, she said no one gave her boys anything

they saw the extended family all getting something so I imagine it's like 3+ siblings. A and B brought for each others kids. C (ops dp) brought for no one but his older kids for something.
So A kids for from B, B kids for from A, preferred C kids got from A and B.

they only see them rarely and the oldest maybe 3 times a year, the boys go to visit regularly

and this is relevant too.
when family don’t see kids as much as the others they often like to give them money or gifts as they don’t see them during the year.

my mother often gives more to 2 of my nieces at Xmas as she doesn’t see them as often as the rest of the grandchildren who regularly get little treats from her throughout the year such as pocket money for the shop, chocolate bars , take away treats , trips to town etc

yabvu to make an issue of this. It’s really not your business why they did this. people can give gifts to who they want Just understand that they have their reasons and they most likely are perfectly valid

Because the year I tried presents over money I was told is that it where's the money by 4 of the 6, so with them it's money or nothing an we don't have it

Honestly OP I think this is on your DP to sort. For you, I'd probsy take a step back. Because they're punishing YOUR children not his children (as the girls got £100 each). They easily could have given them £80 and brought the boys a toy even if they didn't want to make it even. But they're decided this is YOUR fault so your kids should suffer.

Sorry OP, but I’m kind of in the YABU camp.

It seems to me that the gifts to the girls were given more discreetly (so you didn’t see) and that they didn’t buy for your boys so as not to make you feel uncomfortable about the fact you couldn’t afford to give gifts this year. The agreement was with you, not with adult children. I agree with a PP that your children won’t see them as equals, as they’re ‘grown ups’ to them. What if the girls (as adults) had turned up with gifts for the others?
The family may have been hoping that the girls would keep their presents to themselves, again, so as not to make you feel bad. They shouldn’t miss out because you were’t buying this year, IMO.

Your changing the native to suit now saying they demanding money instead of presents. Talk about drip feeding you would have said that in the op but it's not going your way.

but now I found out all the family gave to the 2 oldest girls and nothing to our 2 boys, because as I over hear them say on Christmas day "they gave ours nothing so I'm not bothering with their's are you?"

clear as say op
You say “now I found out”.

sort of indicates…. You weren’t watching them open anything!

Yep, invariably happens.

Now it wasn’t a case of “now I found out”
its the girl’s were given the presents in front of everyone
and the idea of my 4 year old being upset that two adults received gifts when their parents didn’t give anything to the other bona fide kids ie not women present… is baffling

I have always given them something every year

and they have “always given your children something every year”

This year… you put a stop to it

If you asked them not to get yours then I would understand them not doing it but I definitely agree it was spiteful of them to gossip and take it out on your boys because they were offended.
They have tried to prove a point by giving the older two.

In the situation you describe it would have been weird of them to give something to all of your children when you had nothing to give theirs. Why should their children see their family hand over a chocolate Santa to your children when you couldn’t do the same for them?

I understand that it’s difficult sometimes in blended families, but you can’t control how other react to it. They probably just felt that after all those years of gifting to your dsds they don’t want to change that just because you are now struggling. I think that’s their choice to make, because they had a relationship with those girls before you were around and it’s not your right to change things for them.

How did you inform everyone you won’t be buying anything this year? I suspect there is a back story here. Your attitude seems a little abrasive so maybe you put their backs up and they wrongly took it out on your kids.

It is very mean of them. I would have bought presents for all of them because I am not bothered about presents back, or bought presents for none of them as that may be less awkward for you and dh.

Don't understand any reason for giving 2 out of 4 children gifts. It is like they grudge you being unable to afford gifts this year.

I bet this would be going an entirely different way if the DSC had been given nothing but the little two had. So many double standards in step families.

@Rtmhwales but none of the children are step here? All of the children are DHs so all equally related to his family?

So they should have been treated equally - I can’t imagine only buying presents for 50% of my brothers children regardless of who their mother was.

Presumably they have a relationship with your SC aged 21 and 17 that far far exceeds your presence in their lives by… well many many years. They would have seen them grow from babies, children, teens to women. It’s a totally different relationship and when you say “No kids presents” I don’t blame them for a minute not lumping their adult nieces in with your “no kids” statement

Fwiw I don’t think the OP is changing the narrative, I think she just hadn’t written it clearly or well. Her posts are a bit chaotic and full of typos so I think it was just harder to piece together what the issue was.

I think it was fine for them to give the older girls gifts since they are a bit more independent. I don’t think it was okay for them to do it in front of the young boys; that was unkind.

Seeing something from someone else’s POV doesn’t necessarily mean you agree with it.

OP asked for it, OP got it - she advocates for children that young. She does not advocate for a 17 & 21 yr old that are not even hers.

neither does her DH at their age.

ask and ye shall receive.

YANBU, but I wonder if this statement is the key. Perhaps they want to keep a relationship going with the older ones and want to see them more than they do and think that giving a gift will help that relationship and encourage them to visit more. Whereas your boys are young, so essentially have to go where you/dh go.

I'm sorry OP, it is horrible to gift to their older siblings in front of your young kids.
Your small kids won't understand why as they won't know intricate family relationships like the DSC have been around longer, or the extended family feel like it's not the sc's fault (I'm not sure how it's a 3 or 4 year olds fault either). It's heartless and they could have either 1. Got your children a token, 2. Kept to the agreement to not gift with your family this year (which includes your DSC - not sure why people are acting like they are completely separate to your kids as they all have the same dad), or if they must 3. Give to your DSC discreetly so your kids didn't know they'd been left out.

And your kids HAVE been left out. If someone says no presents this year then that's fine but you don't then gift some children in that family and not others.

@bluebird3 thank you that is what I was trying to explain but I wither I don't make sense or people are just happy to make me the ad guy, I didn't say oh I'm not giving to anyone because I'm mean and don't want to, my husband and I say down went through it and said rent or money to the nieces and nephews, so we had to pick the rent obviously, everyone is freaking out like I'm horrible and I don't want my DSC to get anything that is so far from the truth I just don't see why the younger ones were forgotten they are my husbands kids too, it's not like I had kids that weren't his that they didn't buy for, these are his 4 kids and his family chose to give 100 each to the big ones in front of the little ones that is why I'm upset, people are confusing what I was saying too, I didn't see them giving the gifts but the small kids did, I only joined this page today didn't realise hoe much some people like to try have a go at someone they have never met. I am seriously wondering where the love in this world has gone. I will leave with this I have a grown daughter her grandmother who is nothing to do with my boys buys them a present every year has never expected anything back, but their own family do this. I was not just trying to change the rules as people keep saying my husband said there would be no presents, (money) for anyone this year but it's me who everyone seems to be turning on.

Sorry my phone is broken it doesn't always put what I think it does.