DH family not treating kids evenly

[Sickofpeople18]

AIBU?
My husband has 2 kids from his first marriage and 2 with me.
We normally give money to all the family kids at Christmas but couldn't manage this year, I didn't expect anyone to give any to my boys as we didn't give to their's so that's only fair but now I found out all the family gave to the 2 oldest girls and nothing to our 2 boys, because as I over hear them say on Christmas day "they gave ours nothing so I'm not bothering with their's are you?" But then to give to 2 just didn't seem fair the little ones don't understand why the bigger ones got something and they didn't. I'm upset about it, I don't know ow if I should say something or just distance from them as I know it was done out of spite.

Either way it was thoughtless to gift the SC, or anyone for that matter, in front of the young children as they don’t have the band width to understand any of this.
How would they cope with birthdays then? There's no harm in kids not always being at the centre and getting simple messages out there e.g. "This is just something just for X from Y. Remember you had your presents yesterday, do you want to show Uncle Z your new truck?" If parents are relaxed about it then the child takes it all as reasonable.

It’s a fair point @MRex . However, I would expect a 4yr old to have a degree of understanding that birthdays are something where one person gets gifts and Christmas everyone gets a present.

do agree with your point though that if a parent is stressed kid will pick up on it and become stressed too.

OP further up the thread someone mentioned secret Santa, can you do this type of thing in future if family is happy with it

Was it pre-agreed to all not give presents?

There's no winner in this situation. If your boys had have been given presents but then you never gave to the extended family's kids....then presumably their kids parents would have felt how you now feel? So at least all the little ones never got anything from both sides.

The older 2 girls....maybe different dynamic, different relationship? I don't know.

At 21 & 17 I’d think that they should have done it the other way around really, or given to none.

Why?
21 & 17 they are probably spending a small fortune at uni or taking driving lessons, need phones etc, clothes for that age group aren't cheap either.
They will be in far more need and appreciate cash far more than two tiny kids who don't know any better.

It's also very important that the extended family don't cut these two kids off.

Because they’ve had years of presents, might have jobs so earning own money and many people stop buying at 18 anyway. I couldn’t buy for 2 children out of a family of 4, I’d do all or none

Well with that logic, yes people do tend to stop buying for older ones. But I don’t think it was age related, I think it was household related. OP has said no presents from (and I presume if she has any manners, to them). I can’t see why anyone would include the two adults that live in another household in that.

It’s a very different relationship with older teens and kids in their twenties. They are v much people in their own right and not ‘children’. I can see why the relatives continued to buy for them I am afraid. Why should they stop? Though I would probably have got some choc for the little ones.

OP debate and challenge is the nature of the board. You are very rude to call the other poster Ursula a ‘weirdo’ (ugh) and a troll. Just because you don’t like her comments.

And I actually find it odd that some people go counting a poster’s comments on a thread. So what is someone has time to keep posting on one issue on a thread?