DH family not treating kids evenly

[Sickofpeople18]

AIBU?
My husband has 2 kids from his first marriage and 2 with me.
We normally give money to all the family kids at Christmas but couldn't manage this year, I didn't expect anyone to give any to my boys as we didn't give to their's so that's only fair but now I found out all the family gave to the 2 oldest girls and nothing to our 2 boys, because as I over hear them say on Christmas day "they gave ours nothing so I'm not bothering with their's are you?" But then to give to 2 just didn't seem fair the little ones don't understand why the bigger ones got something and they didn't. I'm upset about it, I don't know ow if I should say something or just distance from them as I know it was done out of spite.

I’m just waiting the Op to tell us how they’re “clearly not struggling financially”

Yes I do but with the current situation we are in we don't have anything to give should I have given them all money and told my kids we have no food and no money for rent cos I gave Christmas presents, it seems like you have an issue with me ans I don't even know you I mean how many times can you comment with something that sounds like your trying to make me the bad one

Op what did your nieces get?
how did your children become aware of fact that their, to them adult siblings, had received a gift?

Yabu op you deciding you're not doing gifts doesn't include 2 adult half siblings it includes your little family.

How can the two young boys be upset if there wasn’t a gift exchange and the OP only knows because she overheard?

Perhaps the extended family bought for the older ones thinking they might have received less from the OP&dad who might have prioritised the younger ones with their limited budget.

The older ones are adults or nearly adults, perhaps their family thought it was unfair of the OP&partner to make decisions about their receiving of gifts.

I see that but 100 euro each when the small ones did get so much as an animal bar is not fair when done I front of them, I qa she one that overheard, what was said but my 4 yr old saw them getting something and him getting nothing that's what was so bad when he then asked us why he didn't get anything,

Why didn’t you gift them a chocolate Santa? Gifts don’t have to cost money, it’s the thought and effort that counts. You made it clear you weren’t participating in the ritual reciprocity-
that probably caused some offence.

So they saw

But you only found out by having “overheard”?

It's your DH's family so get his to ask them about it.

I doubt you’r 4 year old regards his 21 year old half sister as his peer. In his eyes well and truly an adult (in mine too actually!).

if your niece was 5… I’d be with you.

The thing is if you asked for your children not to get gifts, then that is what was respected.

You don't get to decide what happens with regards to the girls- they aren't your children.

They chose to give gifts to the girls they were allowed to, and respected your wishes regarding your own children.

You might have been angry if they'd ignored you and got your children presents against your wishes

When he asked why he didn’t get anything??

he would have seen all his cousins also getting nothing…from you.

So not like he was surrounded by a load of cousins unwrapping toys!!

all other kids there got squat all too

@Sickofpeople18 i do see why you’re upset but this is the way it has been for two decades. I don’t feel like the girls should suffer because you and DH want things to change now, I’m sorry but I really don’t.

Yabu

the older kids would be regarded as being from another household and probably go a byball as the family would have accepted the ex didn’t know about this “new arrangement”

you and Dh made the decision not to do gifts so they left out your household

i don’t know why u are making it such an issue anyway when you didn’t buy gifts for anyone!! Are you going to stew all year on the grounds that you didn’t buy gifts but someone had the audacity to buy gifts for your dsc??

YABVU

Is it that really you wanted them to ignore your request and buy your children a gift anyway?

Or did you want your step daughters to miss out?

These are your options in the situation.

So did you tell them in advance you couldn't afford to give?

Did your two have to sit there whilst their siblings and cousins opened piles of presents?

I do agree it's odd to give to half the siblings and not the others, esp given the oens who got presents are an adult and virtually an adult.

As for unfair that the older girls were affected by your choice...
I wouldnt see my nieces go without who I love and adore for years bc my sis and her new husband decided not to exchange presents with the kids

So you couldn't see your nieces go without @Lenald but you're OK with seeing your nephews go without, despite the girls being adults / nearly adults and the just little kids who have zero capacity to gift themselves. Because you love your nieces lots, but you're only mildly ambivalent about the nephews cos they've only been alive a few years. Do you love your older kids more than your younger ones? Your older siblings more than younger ones?? I couldn't imagine ranking how much I love my niblings based on how long they're been around 😐😐

Did your two have to sit there whilst their siblings and cousins opened piles of present

the op has said no other child was given presents

Or adult

Yanbu. I buy for my neices every year, as a result I buy for the older sibling of my niece. I have only met her once but even before we met I have always treated her the same.

I wouldnt see my nieces go without who I love and adore for years bc my sis and her new husband decided not to exchange presents with the kids

ok, that’s great. But what if you also were struggling to afford to buy all the kids toys and thought this was a good idea, especially knowing at these ages how much plastic etc they tend to get!

@Sickofpeople18

but my 4 yr old saw them getting something and him getting nothing that's what was so bad when he then asked us why he didn't get anything

and your answer to him simply should have been an immediate

”we chose not to buy gifts for your cousins this year so they didn’t buy us… see that’s fair”

not leave him to watch open mouthed and thinking it was to do with him. You should have accepted responsibility to your own child.

You can't have it all you can't say no presents and then be annoyed when your dsds are adults get a gift they always got off their dhs family their relationship is completely seperate to you. That relationship has been long standing before you were even with your dh. You then can't argue they could have got them a chocolate santa because you could have gotten a selection box. Yabu

But why would the ex buy presents for thee ex husbands siblings kids?? Surely it's been on the kids Dad and his CURRENT partner, not the ex's who'll have virtually nothing to do with their ex family, esp given the ages of the girls.

What did dp say @Sickofpeople18 . If my sister brought eldest DS a present but not the babies I'd be asking why she's not just not brought for all

In future years, perhaps DP could put a couple of pound away a month and at least get them a selection box / chocolate reindeer etc. It doesn't have to be £50 cash