Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH family not treating kids evenly

183 replies

Sickofpeople18 · 27/12/2022 16:32

AIBU?
My husband has 2 kids from his first marriage and 2 with me.
We normally give money to all the family kids at Christmas but couldn't manage this year, I didn't expect anyone to give any to my boys as we didn't give to their's so that's only fair but now I found out all the family gave to the 2 oldest girls and nothing to our 2 boys, because as I over hear them say on Christmas day "they gave ours nothing so I'm not bothering with their's are you?" But then to give to 2 just didn't seem fair the little ones don't understand why the bigger ones got something and they didn't. I'm upset about it, I don't know ow if I should say something or just distance from them as I know it was done out of spite.

OP posts:
DashboardConfessional · 27/12/2022 17:24

They've seemingly decided it was your decision not to give theirs anything, so they've punished your 2 kids. Who contacted them all to say no gifts this year, you or him?

Ursuladevine · 27/12/2022 17:24

If your SC were, let’s say , 5 and 7, I would think you’d have a point.

But your SC are adults. and the family chose to buy something for two adults (although all eyes on them as you say these were the only presents anyone gave anyone!!)

Ursuladevine · 27/12/2022 17:25

DashboardConfessional · 27/12/2022 17:24

They've seemingly decided it was your decision not to give theirs anything, so they've punished your 2 kids. Who contacted them all to say no gifts this year, you or him?

They didn’t “seemingly” decide anything

the op said… I’m not buying anything for your kids this year

Lenald · 27/12/2022 17:25

TheYummyPatler · 27/12/2022 17:21

So you would consider your nephews less family than your nieces. And you’d decide to blame his second wife for it all.

@Driedarebetter hit the nail on the head in the first reply.

Show quote history

Me personally, no. But if my sister specifically asked me not to get them presents I wouldn’t.

However - the older girls would realise the stark difference compared to earlier years, I wouldn’t put them through that. The boundaries and routines of gift giving have already been established and been in place for years. If OP wants to change that with the younger kids that’s her choice but she cannot change what this family already have in place.

TheYummyPatler · 27/12/2022 17:25

Is not liking their mother a reason for treating your brother’s younger children worse than his older children?

What I conclude from this thread is that as soon as SC are mentioned, people will argue that the OP is evil regardless.

Sadly, the OP’s in-laws are arseholes, and there are a lot of people determined to cheer on the exclusion and othering of the youngest children because they came from a ‘second family’.

Tandora · 27/12/2022 17:26

maryberryslayers · 27/12/2022 17:22

Why didn't you 'just give chocolate Santa's' then your kids would have gotten something in return.

This I’m afraid.

Aprilx · 27/12/2022 17:26

Create10 · 27/12/2022 16:49

OP's partner has four children. Two girls from a previous relationship, and two boys with OP. The extended family has given gifts to the two girls but not to the two boys.

YANBU.

Show quote history

And as I have said perhaps the older girls (or their other parent) did take part in gift giving. How can you possibly say OP is reasonable to complain about her kids not getting presents when she didn’t I’ve any presents. I find it incredible.

Ursuladevine · 27/12/2022 17:27

Aprilx · 27/12/2022 17:26

And as I have said perhaps the older girls (or their other parent) did take part in gift giving. How can you possibly say OP is reasonable to complain about her kids not getting presents when she didn’t I’ve any presents. I find it incredible.

Show quote history

Ditto
quite astonishing in fact

DashboardConfessional · 27/12/2022 17:27

Ursuladevine · 27/12/2022 17:25

They didn’t “seemingly” decide anything

the op said… I’m not buying anything for your kids this year

Show quote history

I meant "your" as in the OP, as opposed to the DH.

TheYummyPatler · 27/12/2022 17:27

Lenald · 27/12/2022 17:25

Me personally, no. But if my sister specifically asked me not to get them presents I wouldn’t.

However - the older girls would realise the stark difference compared to earlier years, I wouldn’t put them through that. The boundaries and routines of gift giving have already been established and been in place for years. If OP wants to change that with the younger kids that’s her choice but she cannot change what this family already have in place.

Show quote history

theres no way your brother could g be making decisions based on his reduced circumstances.

But clearly you would see the older girls as more special and important - and want to show that to them and their brothers.

Ursuladevine · 27/12/2022 17:28

You don’t once mention your DH’s stance

candycane10 · 27/12/2022 17:28

Sickofpeople18 · 27/12/2022 16:45

@Driedarebetter yes could well be that, I think I was more annoyed by them saying because we didn't give anything they wouldn't then giving to 2, I don't want my DSC to miss out of course but little ones don't understand. I think I'm just going to bring some distance

I understand you being annoyed at the older 2 being treated different from the other 2. I agree that seems unfair.

However, you say you're worried that the younger 2 see all of the extended family getting presents and them being excluded. Surely even if all 4 had been missed this would still have been an issue?

Unless you expect all 4 still to be bought for even though your DH never bought anything for the equivalent relatives?

cheninblanc · 27/12/2022 17:29

Same here, presents sent to the exes house nothing here. Then wants to meet in a random outside location to give more gifts so my children don't see. Wanders why I don't invite them over at all over Xmas after they pulled that stunt years ago and left my 2 watching the other open gift after gift after gift. I don't engage with them much at all now due to it

Lenald · 27/12/2022 17:31

TheYummyPatler · 27/12/2022 17:27

theres no way your brother could g be making decisions based on his reduced circumstances.

But clearly you would see the older girls as more special and important - and want to show that to them and their brothers.

Show quote history

Perhaps.

candycane10 · 27/12/2022 17:31

Sickofpeople18 · 27/12/2022 16:58

@Sirzy yes I was thinking that even a chocolate santa or something not completely ignore them.

Buy you and DH "completely ignored" other family members in terms of present buying. Or did I miss that you got them a chocolate Santa?

Ursuladevine · 27/12/2022 17:33

candycane10 · 27/12/2022 17:28

I understand you being annoyed at the older 2 being treated different from the other 2. I agree that seems unfair.

However, you say you're worried that the younger 2 see all of the extended family getting presents and them being excluded. Surely even if all 4 had been missed this would still have been an issue?

Unless you expect all 4 still to be bought for even though your DH never bought anything for the equivalent relatives?

Show quote history

There was no big Christmas present opening

why? The op didn’t even realise this had happened until she overheard

and apparently no other presents were exchanged between anyone (adult or child).

Ursuladevine · 27/12/2022 17:34

candycane10 · 27/12/2022 17:31

Buy you and DH "completely ignored" other family members in terms of present buying. Or did I miss that you got them a chocolate Santa?

Show quote history

Nope the Op has clarified she rocked up with nothing for anyone

Create10 · 27/12/2022 17:35

Aprilx · 27/12/2022 17:26

And as I have said perhaps the older girls (or their other parent) did take part in gift giving. How can you possibly say OP is reasonable to complain about her kids not getting presents when she didn’t I’ve any presents. I find it incredible.

Show quote history

OP has said that the older girls didn't give any gifts. OP has also said that she wouldn't have been bothered if none of the four children received anything. What she's hurt about is that family have bought for two of her husband's children but not the other two. I can't imagine giving two of my nephews a Christmas gift and not the other two.

I buy presents for my sister's children and my friends' children, and I don't get anything back. You don't give to receive. They are children.

StephanieSuperpowers · 27/12/2022 17:35

I mean, it's not ideal, but OP, you're not in charge of adults buying presents for other adults. At this point, these relationships are independent of parents and who is now in a new relationship.

Create10 · 27/12/2022 17:38

Ursuladevine · 27/12/2022 17:34

Nope the Op has clarified she rocked up with nothing for anyone

Show quote history

As did her husband and all four of his children, and yet two of the children received presents and two didn't.

I can't imagine my sister telling me she was struggling with money and unable to buy gifts, and my reaction to be deciding to only buy for two of her four children, excluding the little toddlers.

Ginseng1 · 27/12/2022 17:40

Maybe DH family didn't want the girls going back to their Mum saying they got nothing from grandparents. She probably not part of the whole 'lets do no presents this year' agreement? Are these 4 the only grandkids?
Yabu tho to think the 3 & 4 yr old felt left out tho-they probably didn't even realize if you didn't make a thing of it.

Yousee · 27/12/2022 17:45

It takes a breathtaking amount of arseholery, even by the standards of MN, to be told your brother and his family are struggling financially at Christmas then decide that to the best thing to do is buy present for his adult children and ignore his actual children.

Ursuladevine · 27/12/2022 17:46

Create10 · 27/12/2022 17:38

As did her husband and all four of his children, and yet two of the children received presents and two didn't.

I can't imagine my sister telling me she was struggling with money and unable to buy gifts, and my reaction to be deciding to only buy for two of her four children, excluding the little toddlers.

Show quote history

This was obviously done very discretely as Op only found out through overhearing.

So I reckon that they didn’t lump their adult aged nieces with the “the kids” and got them something like a candle or a token gift and gave discretely saying… weee not getting the kids presents this year and vice versa but know you love this candle or that lippy etc

Original poster
Sickofpeople18 · 27/12/2022 17:46

Lenald · 27/12/2022 17:14

@Sickofpeople18 im sorry, I do understand why you’re upset I really do. But, the older two have been around a lot longer & you & DH made a decision and I’m guessing the family felt like it was unfair that the older girls were affected by your choice. I think what’s happened here is fair enough and next year perhaps set aside a small budget for presents for extended family.

i wouldnt see my nieces go without who I love and adore for years bc my sis and her new husband decided not to exchange presents with the kids - I really do see your extended families side here.

having said that if I was you my first reaction would also be upset but this is what you asked for. It’s not fair on the girls for the rules to change all of a sudden but you can choose what you do for your boys.

I know what you mean but it's not that we just decided not too, qe honesty couldn't I started putting money away in January to have money to give everyone same as I always have done but some many things have happened this year that have left us on the edge that 3 restarts later we still couldn't save the money to give them.

OP posts:
Ursuladevine · 27/12/2022 17:47

A 21 and 17 year old are not “kids” and if someone told me that no kids presents this year, I wouldn’t automatically presume that two women were included in this group!