Gift too small and no alternative offered

[Remaker]

DS was given a Christmas gift by my brother’s family that is too small for him. I messaged SIL asking if she had a receipt. She responded no receipt and was bought in cash so no cc statement either. End of message.

They have a younger DS who the gift is the correct size for. In their shoes I would just take the gift back and give DS money/voucher/correct size gift. But they’ve not offered any solution- just said sorry no receipt.

AIBU for thinking this is their mistake and they should sort it, not just dump DS with a gift he can’t use

Agree…

That's pretty shit OP, 4 sizes to small is ridiculous when they see him regularly. I could estimate any kids size I didn’t know well at all better than that! And it sounds like it’s happened a lot before, an extension pack for a game he doesn’t have! Bloody hell. It’s weird when you say that the kids have lists and they just seem to ignore them for your son. After it happening so many times, I would think it’s purposely done by your SIL as she buys the presents. It’s not ungrateful to not be over the moon with presents that seem consistently unusable, especially when it’s the same one of your children every time.

And you say your brother is selfish. Maybe just cool things with them. It sounds like there’s a lot going with your mum being ill. You could also just suggest no presents next year and spend the money you would spend on their kids on your own so that your son isn’t the only one to miss out.

@Remaker For what it's worth, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all - especially if there's a history of shit presents for your DS yet nice ones for your DD!! It's just really unkind & unnecessary. Surely, at some point, the kids will notice?

As for your brother - what a twat! Sidestepping anything with a direction to his wife? He's your brother - I'd ask him quite bluntly what's going on & why are they so biased.

If OP didn’t have another child who was receiving lovely presents from SIL, I would agree. Just make it a private joke that SIL’s presents are always terrible, and send it to the charity shop on Boxing Day.

The contrast between DD, who is deserving of lovely gifts, and DS, who only deserves stuff that their much-younger child was planning to throw out, means that OP needs to do something. Children will notice this - it is their aunt and uncle, not some random distant relative.

Just stopping Christmas and birthday presents is by far the easiest way to go. I have no idea what your SIL’s issue is with your DS, and I wouldn’t really care. Just stop the gifts.

A sign of the times? The gift was never going to fit said child and has been recycled because they don't want it/don't want to buy ... it's thoughtless and pointless.

@Remaker does it have the tags on? If so call a branch of the shop and explain you din’t have the receipt but it was a gift, or take it in wrapped in another bag and ask to exchange.

Or @Remaker message SIL and askmif she minds exchanging it for you 😂

If I brought a present for someone I love, and it wasn't appropriate (wrong size, alcohol for a tea-total, meat box for a vegan etc) because I hadn't bothered finding out basic info, I'd want to know

@WombatChocolate ·

It’s a sign of the times - people aren’t just pleased to get a gift, but feel entitled to have an item they love and to have anything they don’t swapped until they get something they do.
It's a sign of the times that people want an item that can be used, not essentially just thrown straight away (albeit into a charity bag)?

Being grateful that someone grabbed a random item, with zero thought or consideration, and gave it you, isn't something to aspire to.
And we never get wrong sized clothes from close family because it takes 2 minutes to text and check sizes.

The issue is when parents are overly invested in how many presents their child gets and feel a deep sense that their child has been short-changed in terms of quantity of presents. Some parents seem to keep a close tally and decide their child will be deeply disappointed not to have had something from Cousin X, when in fact child will not even notice unless it’s pointed out to them. Sadly some parents do make a big thing if it, and then this can fuel a genuine or manufactured disappointment in child. It can also make them more grabby later in life. Totally unnecessary.

I completely agree. It doesn’t help anyone to develop this paranoid mindset about gift giving. It sends a pretty dangerous message to your kids that they are owed a perfect present from every member of their extended family and they have been short changed if for any reason this doesn’t happen.

Yes the SIL is probably quite disorganised and is quite possibly regifting stuff. It happens. There may be a thousand reasons you are not aware of as to why this happens.

But it doesn’t really matter why it’s happening. The takeaway and the lesson for your kids is “x is not always the best gift giver”. And move on. Rather than “I am hell bent on getting a better present for my PFB so I will fall out with X”.

Imagine what it does to a child to grow up thinking its relatives will fall out with each other over the quality of Christmas gifts. In the scheme of things it is trivial. Don’t make your kids focus on what they get, get them to focus on the spirit behind it.

I'm with you all the way op. If it's the thought that counts then you're not unreasonable to be having feelings about this because clearly zero thought went into it.

Since they have form for this I can understand you not instantly thinking "oh they've made a mistake with the size, never mind". This seems deliberate based on everything you've said and I don't blame you for being tired of it.

If someone messaged me that I'd got it wrong I would sort it out straight away, not say "no receipt" and be done with it. That's very rude. Rethink the present giving this next year.

The reality is that some people out little or no effort into gift giving and give crap or inappropriate presents. It’s not great but it’s not something to get upset by or to try to force them to rectify. You can choose not to gift to them in future or out less effort into what you give them…or continue giving kind and considerate gifts yourself and not taking a lowest common denominator attitude.

Is it always the way? You go to some people’s houses for dinner and they haven’t made much effort or remembered what you don’t like? Some people try harder and are better at gifting and hosting and making others feel special. When it’s their actions and choices, they are out of your control and the best thing is to just smile and move on. The reality is your child has one less present….why does that matter so much? Yes, it’s a waste to give something someone won’t like, but as the receiver, you can minimise the waste by giving it to someone else if charity. All that’s happened then is YOUR child has one gift they love less. They really dont need a replacement. It really isn’t a big deal. Just accept they aren’t a very good gift giver and move on. You can’t and shouldn’t bother trying to force them to ‘rectify their error’. With gifts, you really do get what you’re given and don’t get to dictate what you receive. If you can’t deal with that and the gifts an individual gives you upset you, then opt out of present exchanging with them in future.

Not so easy when one of your children always gets a lovely present and the other gets something unusable for a different reason every time. A top that's too small, an extension pack for a game he doesn’t have, a game that’s not for the console he has, whilst your other child gets a good present.

Gosh so much angst for a jumper. Your husband went round several stores trying to exchange it? Is there a back story, is your kid reallu in need of a jumper?

Yes, but these minor disappointments are part of life aren’t they. Life doesn’t always run exactly smoothly or fairly. The way adults respond to these little disappointments is so important in determining whether children develop resilience or become those who are easily offended and spend their lives looking out for sleights.

Different reactions to the gift that was crap/inappropriate - noticing it’s not suitable, and possibly for a small child simply distracting them with another gift and then quietly removing it without saying anything further about it. For a slightly older child saying ‘oh, that’s not quite right is it…it’s too small. Never mind, we can find someone who it will fit and love it/give it to charity. Now why don’t you open that present in the blue paper over there…’
OR
a big thing can be made of the disappointing gift in front of the child/ denigrating the gift giver, bringing it up as an issue several times, saying you will ask gift giver to replace, saying you will make sure child gets a replacement as otherwise it’s not fair they’ve got one present less etc etc. Mentioning again months later that X gave a crap present. Making child feel they’ve missed out been cheated/ things aren’t fair.

Personally, I always think learning to deal with minor disappointments is a vital and useful part of childhood and key part if parenting. Of course we don’t seek them out, but they happen and when they do, there’s usually a choice to make them into a big deal or to shrug and move on. And the key is knowing that our own attitudes to this stuff as parents really do influence the kind of people our kids become.

Homestly, no child suffers in a serious way from this. Even if they regularly get a crap present from that erosion, can’t it just become a bit of a family joke, that X is terrible at present giving? Why does it have to be a cause of actual annoyance and disappointment?

Same as always…there are people who have their eagle eyes out looking to take offence. Multiple things every week make them feel a bit sleighted, offended and upset. It’s a mindset.
The same stuff happens to other people, who someone seem able to cope with it and not be bothered. It’s worth considering why that is and what the consequences for kids of the 2 different approaches are.

Exactly. Mom may well say oh well never mind sweetie, he's a different present, and it's the thought that counts but children aren't stupid. They'll see their sister playing with the nice toy and they'll see their jumper that's way to small, and they'll remember their birthday when they got something else that didn't work and their sister got something nice, and they'll remember Easter when their egg was Disney princesses like their little sister despite being a football, dinosaur mad 10 yo boy and they'll start to internalise it. People act like kids are just dump empty shells waiting for their parents to tel l them what feelings to have. He knows his aunt cba with him

But Aunt May and Uncle Matt AREN'T crap at giving presents because everyone else has lovely presents consistently. So the family joke is what? Aunt May and Uncle Matt don't like you very much?? Ha ha. 😕

@Confusion101 as I mentioned I live on the other side of the world. It is the evening of the 27th here. Yes my DH went to several branches as we live in a large city of 5 million people. Yes life does exist outside of the UK.

A bit PA but not unreasonable

YABU for thinking they give a shit that it’s too small. Christmas is not about giving thoughtful, personal gifts . It’s become centred around buying, buying, buying. A lot of people are fed up of it all, and in particular all the expectations so just buy any old crap. It’s sad for your DC but it is what X mas has become.

When you asked for the receipt did you say it's because you wanted to change the size?

I'm normally in the camp that you just accept whatever a gift is graciously and just pass it on to someone who would want it or charity if it's not right. I have been quite hurt when I've spent ages choosing a gift and I've been told they exchanged it ( I did include gift receipt) but they got something they wanted and even if the effort was wasted the money wasn't.

In this case she gifted something FOUR YEARS too young, that's not a gift, that's getting rid of something and showed no thought or care to your DS. Getting him gaming related stuff that he doesn't have the right equipment for also shows no care or consideration and bolsters the argument she's getting rid of stuff that was given to her son.

It would be different if her son was gifted something that wasn't right for him but she thought I know that DN would love this. I may get things wrong but I make a bloody effort to know my DN's likes and sizes etc when I buy them gifts because I actually like and care about them. My sister has bought second hand gifts for DS not because she's hard up or stingy but because she's seen something that she knows DS is into.

If you are worried about the disparity being felt by your DS then I would take the advice given to either stop doing gifts ( say it in a few months) or to do gifts for your own children from the other of the same value ensuring yours gets something nice. Alternative make a little joke of it. My DS isn't easy to buy for and wants very little so now he's older I've asked him not to open things he knows he has not interest in as we can give it to charity or the school for fairs etc

@Thepeopleversuswork in your keenness to describe me as grabby you’ve overlooked the fact that one of my kids gets lovely gifts and the other doesn’t. But I guess that’s ok for just one child to learn important life lessons and the other to…not? Also not once have I said that DS has made any fuss whatsoever because he hasn’t. Sorry to disappoint when you’re clearly enjoying the completely inaccurate picture you’ve painted. No tantrums or stomping, more just acceptance and resignation that despite him helping me choose thoughtful gifts for his cousins (5 of them I might add) and being excited to see them opened and enjoyed, the same kindness will never be extended to him, just his sister. But you know it will probably do him good in your opinion?

I dont know why you're getting so much grief. An item of clothing for a child that's 4 years too small isnt a mistake or misjudgment it's a 'couldn't give any less of a shit'. Can you just say no presents next year or vouchers or something

Can you sell it on facebook and give him the cash this year?