To be upset over Christmas present?

[CrazyCatLady00]

I know they say it’s the thought that counts, but I seriously felt there was no thought or much effort into my Christmas present from my bf.

I gave him a list of things to choose from that I would like and he got one item from the list which was a pair of earrings that he ordered last minute from Amazon 😒 and I also know they didn’t cost more then £40.

I got him loads for Christmas and put so much effort into it. Am I wrong to feel disappointed?

Your posts sound like they are written by a teenager but you said in your other thread that you’re 45. Seriously, move on. What does it matter that he bought them 5 days before Christmas? If he’d bought them in November, you wouldn’t have been given them any earlier.

Not sure! My partner and I made a pact to get each other nothing more than a couple of books each (we've booked some great holidays for next year, are getting a new TV soon, etc) and I stuck to it whereas she wrong-footed me with a pile of stuff yesterday and I felt awful.

So much so that today I've sorted a brilliant birthday (Mid-January) gift experience for her.

She swore she was sticking to the pact...!

Lonely are we?

You sound like hard work!

You 'feel' he bought first ones he saw

And it was 5 days before Christmas? So what's the issue with that is he supposed to buy at a particular time in your world?

How is it ever thoughtful if you give a list?

If he is like me then he simply doesn't buy into the Christmas nonsense and finds buying extremely stressful and tedious.

@MynameisTuesdayII bless you lovely. Hope it goes well for you and thank you for putting things into perspective for me 🤗

And £40 opposed to £200 any you are kicking off?

Isn't it the thought that counts? It used to be

Did you discuss beforehand what the budget was? I know you said he spent 200 last year, so did you specify that as a budget for this year? Or did you just hand him the list which might lead him to thinking any item on there would be a suitable gift?

I've learned that different people have different ideas about gift giving. Some people like practical things (my husband) and others like lots of little presents (me) in comparison to one big spendy gift (best pal). You need to have a proper chat about a budget. Did you give him a list because he chose gifts you didn't like last time?

So do you feel that he is taking you for granted now?

I just want to share an amusing story to help you put this into perspective.
Every year my DH and I go into our town on Christmas Eve and have lunch in the shopping centre at a little cafe that overlooks a lot of the centre.
We spend an amusing couple of hours playing ‘spot-the-lastminute.com-males’ and let me tell you they are always out in force!
On their own, with their mates, with children in tow (and sometimes with their wives/partners etc) - all with bags of presents and wrapping paper tubes sticking out.
Last minute present buying is definitely a male ‘thing’!

I'm rubbish at presents. Dad: bottle of whisky. Sis - bottle of gin. I seem to do OK with DD, too. If I see something out and about, which seems to me that someone would like, I'll buy it and stash it.

This year, I started asking DW in November. Repeatedly. I was almost at my wit's end, but I passed a hippy shop, with fleece shawls, blanket sized. I bought one an wrapped it, with the receipt and the shop's business card, to exchange, if she didn't like it. She did, much to my amazement.

She usually goes, "Oh no, it's awful - not my style at all...."

£75 M&S gift card, too.

For some people (and not necessarily him), giving gifts is a meaningless pointless chore. It's whether they can adapt to the needs of the person they're with who places value on a well thought gift. You have to communicate with him about what it means to you, but he may never get it.

Generally speaking a gift from a list you provided is thoughtful and not to be disregarded. But since your previous Christmas you both spent more I can see why your expectation was different and this feels like a bit of a let down. It’s just one thing though, I think you have to look at this in the context of how he is more generally and how your circumstances have changed.

You mention “Your DC” at one point and if this is only your second Christmas together and you already have a DC that DC is presumably very young which is a time when things change out of necessity and sometimes move towards a more pragmatic footing. But it’s also a time when lots of relationships feel strain and when one part can check out and not really engage any more.

Is he engaged with family life and with you? Do you feel like he loves you? These are the bigger questions. If you think it’s a sign of his attitude to you more generally, start tackling that (either by seeking relationship counseling or planning your exit).

If not, if you think he loves you but has a blind spot on this front you could try what I did. I have a husband who loves me who was utterly shit with gifts for a long time. He put no effort in, sometimes forgot even though he told me how much he enjoyed the effort I put in to his. It pissed me off no end. Eventually I stopped putting effort into his. After a couple of years of me giving half hearted presents, sometimes delivered late, he had a sudden turn around in present giving to me. It’s been about 5 years now of pretty good, sometimes brilliant presents. I don’t think it’s guaranteed to change his present giving habits, but even if it doesn’t it stops you building up resentment.

I love my family fiercely but ordered everything last minute off Amazon (I am female so I do
not think it’s a male thing). Doesn’t mean I love them less, I just think that the value we place on each other is way more then spending loads of money on gifts and are far too busy to do it months in advance. Plus if someone gives me a list then they might as well just have the cash to buy it themselves - it is never going to be thoughtful is it. I always think when people care about this kind of thing there are more underlying issues than a bloomin present.

I think that if you expect more you need to spell that out. Maybe he doesn't agree with spending hundreds on each other? I think you just need to have a conversation. He may well have expected similar from you?

That seems standard in heterosexual relationships. That, or lovebombing...

I’m struggling to see the problem: you gave him a list, he bought an item off said list. And unless he’s loaded, £40 is not nothing.

Unless you had specified that you wanted multiple items from the list (which would be pretty grabby), he has done literally what you asked?

Or is this one of these ones where he is expected to read between the lines and guess that you actually wanted everything?

My husband isn’t great at presents - do you have children? Since I’ve got my two to tell him stuff I’d like he’s improved.
Seriously though, does he show his love in other ways? My husband does so much practical stuff for me and is a great emotional support, and I can always buy my own stuff.

Prince William gave Kate a £100 pair of earrings this Christmas. She put them on and ponced about on Boxing Day. (We don’t know what happened behind closed doors or how many other £££ presents she got.)

OP my DP is a high earned and he spent all of fifteen quid on me on a couple of bits from the Range.

Now that's shit, and I honestly could cry. But what am I going to do? Dump him?

£40 earrings sound pretty good.

Didn't finish comment.

It's disappointing especially if you have put a lot of thought and expense into it. But I'm the one who's always ranting about how I hate consumerism, so...🤷‍♀️

Agree 100%.