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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel upset my inheritance is reduced

812 replies

MoMuM7 · 26/12/2022 11:18

I have very generous parents who worked extremely hard to ensure their kids were looked after. When we came of age (21) they told us how much each of us would inherit when we're turned 40. My sister asked for them to give a her a lump sum equal to her share so she could buy a house and they did that. When my brother turned 25, her asked for half of his share ao her could put down a deposit for a house and have enough cash to cover a 3 year sabbatical which they did. I haven't asked for anything as I was happy to wait till I turned 40. I started working when I was 16 so I have always been more financially secure than my siblings but im a freelancer which makes work difficult to come by and i also have 2 under 2. I'd planned to take 6 months maternity then go back to work in January but I'm shattered. My body, soul are exhausted from back to back pregnancies. I turn 40 in Feb so I was hoping to use my inheritance to take another year off, get therapy and sort my self out without financial pressure. DH works hard but his income alone won't cover us if I'm not earning.

Anyway, yesterday (Christmas!) my parents asked if they could reduce my inheritance sum as my brother 'needs it more'. He's just gone through a divorce (he cheated) and his ex-wife took him to the cleaners. His business went under during Covid and he hasn't worked in 2 years although he could get a job if he chose to. He claims he can't go back to working for someone else after having been his own boss for 10 years.

I'm devasted. My parents insist I don't have to say yes but I don't feel like i have much of a choice. I haven't stopped crying since.

OP posts:

LuluBlakey1 · 26/12/2022 11:20

They asked, so say how you feel.

CocoLux · 26/12/2022 11:21

Well don't say yes, then. But relying on handouts from mummy and daddy when you're approaching middle age is asking for trouble.

Ilikewinter · 26/12/2022 11:21

Well if your parents insist you dont have to say yes, then say no, you want and need the money to support yourself.

Mumteedum · 26/12/2022 11:21

Don't say yes. Stand up for yourself. Explain how you feel. Women are conditioned to 'be nice'. Your brother will have to deal with consequences of his actions. Your parents have said you can say no, so please say no. It is not unreasonable.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 26/12/2022 11:21

They’ve asked… so say no. Explain what you were planning.

chipsandpeas · 26/12/2022 11:21

YABU on the basis inheritance is when someone dies, this is just a handout and tell them how you feel

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 26/12/2022 11:22

I would be honest, completely!
Don't be a pushover, you have to look out for yourself and your family.
I'd make it clear I wasn't ok with that.

MissMarpletheMurderer · 26/12/2022 11:22

Yabu, just say no. We all make life choices and have to live by them. He was very lucky to have such a leg up in the first place .

Ultimately your relationship with him is ruined anyway.
If he gets the money you will never feel the same about you or your parents, so you may as well keep the money and have a rocky relationship with your family as at least then you will have the money.

CatherinedeBourgh · 26/12/2022 11:22

Explain to them that you were really looking forward to the money for the reasons you mention. If they still want to give it to your brother, then be upset, right now they were only floating the idea.

rwalker · 26/12/2022 11:22

Nah just say no
Tbh shitty thing for your parents to do

Hintofreality · 26/12/2022 11:22

You are not unreasonable to be phased off but you are unreasonable to have been “crying ever since”. Tell your parents no, you don’t want to loose out because of your brother’s fuck up.

MavisMcMinty · 26/12/2022 11:23

Say no if saying yes makes you this upset. You’re allowed to be honest, your parents have given you the opt-out, take it.

Pinkdelight3 · 26/12/2022 11:24

YABU. You're nearly 40 ffs. Stop crying and communicate with them honestly.

BlueSuffragette · 26/12/2022 11:24

Say no. Explian you could lose your job anytime. Brother can go get a paid job. It's not fair the decision they are asking you to consider. Why is your sister not being asked to pay some of hers back to give your brother?

Reindear · 26/12/2022 11:24

you can either:
say yes and resent brother and family for ever
say no

I know which one I would choose. Do you think if the tables were turned brother would give you any of his? Your parents shouldn’t have asked this of you and your brother sounds like he is perfectly capable of getting a job but just doesn’t want to.

fishonabicycle · 26/12/2022 11:24

Your parents should have either given you all an equal handout, or left it til they died. It was bloody ridiculous giving some out early, and they are being very unfair to expect you to take less to help out your brother.

FlounderingFruitcake · 26/12/2022 11:25

Shit suggestion from your parents but stop crying and tell them how you feel.

Angeldelight81 · 26/12/2022 11:25

I cannot believe they asked you to do that that was awful of them, and don’t get sucked into agreeing to it being perhaps a loan that he pays you back because you will never see it.
I would very very family say no.

PAFMO · 26/12/2022 11:26

Sympathies.
My husband is going through the same. Fuckwit brother has got into debt and needs upwards of 70 grand yesterday. Not the first time this has happened. He's basically eating his parents alive while his wife measures the curtains to move in. Their house now going to be sold to give him the lump sum to pay off his debts. Which will leave dh with nothing when his parents die.

I think you should tell your parents exactly how you feel. Put the ball in their court (where it belongs) Point out that thus far, you've not had your share. They have. That they now find themselves "needing" more, is not your fault. Tell your parents it's their money to do with as they wish. If they choose to nail out your brother, so be it. But it's very very unfair.

(DH's brother also self-employed and can't possibly get a job working for someone else 🙄)

Dodecaheidyin · 26/12/2022 11:27

Your brother's actions shouldn't be your consequences. You DO have a choice. You were hoping to improve your life and wellbeing with the money. Don't let your brother's spunking it up someone who wasn't his wife spoil that.

Freddiefox · 26/12/2022 11:27

But they have asked you. Tell them what you have said here and make it clear that the answer is no.

yoyo1234 · 26/12/2022 11:28

Please speak up for yourself. I think you will regret it if you do not and the damage in the relationships will get worse.

ScrabbleRabbler · 26/12/2022 11:28

Say no as you don’t know what the future holds for you. Then request your inheritance now to help with maternity and counselling

FOJN · 26/12/2022 11:29

Just because you don't like the choices put before you it doesn't mean you don't have choices. They have given you a choice but I think you have interpreted that as a choice between receiving your inheritance and being viewed as a bad person.

Your brother also had choices and didn't always make the best decisions so stop feeling like refusing to make this sacrifice to bail him out makes you a bad person. Your brother doesn't appear to have any conscience about screwing things up and then asking for handouts, perhaps because he's been used to getting everything he wants and feels entitled.

MintChocCornetto · 26/12/2022 11:29

Goodness OP

Stand up for yourself. Say no. You're 40 FFS.

Your brother has had his fair share - it's extremely unfair of your parents to even ask.

Be angry, stop crying!

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