To feel upset my inheritance is reduced

[MoMuM7]

I have very generous parents who worked extremely hard to ensure their kids were looked after. When we came of age (21) they told us how much each of us would inherit when we're turned 40. My sister asked for them to give a her a lump sum equal to her share so she could buy a house and they did that. When my brother turned 25, her asked for half of his share ao her could put down a deposit for a house and have enough cash to cover a 3 year sabbatical which they did. I haven't asked for anything as I was happy to wait till I turned 40. I started working when I was 16 so I have always been more financially secure than my siblings but im a freelancer which makes work difficult to come by and i also have 2 under 2. I'd planned to take 6 months maternity then go back to work in January but I'm shattered. My body, soul are exhausted from back to back pregnancies. I turn 40 in Feb so I was hoping to use my inheritance to take another year off, get therapy and sort my self out without financial pressure. DH works hard but his income alone won't cover us if I'm not earning.

Anyway, yesterday (Christmas!) my parents asked if they could reduce my inheritance sum as my brother 'needs it more'. He's just gone through a divorce (he cheated) and his ex-wife took him to the cleaners. His business went under during Covid and he hasn't worked in 2 years although he could get a job if he chose to. He claims he can't go back to working for someone else after having been his own boss for 10 years.

I'm devasted. My parents insist I don't have to say yes but I don't feel like i have much of a choice. I haven't stopped crying since.

Surely there is no such thing as an inheritance until someone is actually dead. Never understand why anyone has any expectation of anyone else’s money.

You have a choice. Say no.

Say everything you've said here

You're not responsible for your brother. Although it's a very strange expectation to be relying on your parents at that age

Say no. Maybe say that you didn’t ask to have it earlier than planned, like your siblings did, but you do need it now.

I would find the whole conversation distasteful.

It is not "your inheritance" it is your parents money and theirs to spend how they choose until it becomes "your inheritance" when they die.

This could be 30 years for now, and "your inheritance" could also dissapear in care home fees.

I would discuss them using their savings/assests to enjoy their own life or using it to get the best care possible (to stay in their own home if possible) when they need it instead of continually bailing adult children out of their mistakes.

Wow, I think that's absolutely outrageous. Say how you feel .

point out to your parents he could just get a job like everyone else. That giving him your share seems like favouritism and you have plans for the cash

What a cheery conversation to have at Christmas 🍷

Well first of all it’s not inheritance until they are dead, these are hand outs which you shouldn’t need really (unexpected emergencies aside)
However, you have been asked if you are ok with something and you aren’t - so use your voice and say no

Under the circumstances I'd say no, but it is their money and inheritance shouldn't be seen as an entitlement. The irony I suppose is that if their children had all worked as hard as they did, they wouldn't need an inheritance.

They’re being really unfair and I’d tell them so.

You can deal with any fallout in the therapy you’ll be getting.

Copy & pastste the wording in your post, it explains exactly how you feel. Print it and give to DP. Absolutely, no.

Tell them that if they give your brother more his wife can go after it so it's better that all of it goes to you as originally agreed.

I'd call this a lump sum gift rather than an inheritance.

I imagine they chose to gift at age 40 on the assumption you'd each be settled by then and the gift would be a bonus to enjoy. On that basis, you've played their game and established yourself and waited until 40.

It is unfair of them to ask you to forgo what you were expecting and had plans for.

Would your DB use the money sensibly and get himself back on his feet, or would he use irresponsibly? Does he know about the proposal?

Incidentally, it was incredibly thoughtless of them to bring this up on Christmas Day. Way to ruin a special event, to disappoint you, and to put you in a dilemma that moves your thoughts onto money rather than a family day.

Tell your parents that you’ve given it a lot of thought and you have decided to say no to reducing your
trust fund for the following reasons:

• Each of you have received an equal share at different stages in life. You worked hard to be self sufficient, so that you could enjoy the money later in life.
• Your siblings have enjoyed their share earlier, as was agreed and used it how they would like. You want to be able to do the same
• If your share is reduced, you will feel like you’re being punished for your hard work and patience, rather than rewarded

Your brother has made a series of bad choices, which has landed him in his current situation. Just as you worked hard in your earlier years, so he will have to now. You don’t have to spell this out to anyone. Just know that you are not in the wrong for not letting him take the easy way out at your expense.

You should all be treated equally. It's really unfair of them to ask this of you. I know someone who's had so much given to her by her parents, when her 4 siblings haven't, because they see her as vulnerable. My own DS has been given more. I don't begrudge her, but I do think there's a bit of guilt giving at play.

Yabvu. And a martyr. Say no. Say while you try to shield anyone else from your financial situation, it isnt good. You need the money equally to your brother and have been relying on it.

They asked, they are giving you the choice, you say no. You have all the choice. If you want to martyr yourself to your brothers poor choices, then that's your decision. Personally, if they were offering x amount and could still afford it themselves with their own cost of living, then my siblings poor choices wouldn't affect me at all.

Oooo add that too

Tell them no. They are giving you a choice.

I wonder if one or both of them has doubts and is hoping you will speak up for yourself and say NO.
Which you 100% should.
It will help with the amazingly important early years of your DC. And being bailed out will hinder your brother's character development; mid and long term it wouldn't be doing him any favours either.

SAY. NO.

They shouldn’t have asked. But they have, and you must say no. It’s not fair.

if you can’t say no for you, say no for your children who this will ultimately benefit from your time now and money in future.

I'd tell them that ultimately it was their money and they can do how they please with it and deal with the consequences of their decisions. Asking you to make this decision about their money is very unfair of them.

You already know that they are thinking about giving money they had promised to you to your brother and their asking you is just a way to try and stop you from being upset and disappointed in their choice to favour him over you. You already know how they view a promise made to you compared to your other siblings.

Say that no, after consideration you feel its best if you are all treated equally so as to avoid any resentment

My DB lost his source of income just before Covid, squandered the redundancy and took two years off because he couldn’t be bothered to get a job. As he had been self employed and lives overseas and is financially not very competent etc, he manoeuvred my mum into funding his lifestyle to the tune of £70k.

I cared for my mum for years and years, providing endless support and companionship and being there through the death of close family and friends. My db missed my dad’s death but did come to the funeral. After Covid, when my mum was dying DB found excuses not to come, being “not very good at hospitals”. And when she died, he didn’t come then either. It was 6 months before he made the trip to the Uk, he turned up and declared it was a holiday and did not a single thing to help with my mum’s belongings or her estate. He really is selfish and entitled.

I speak to him, so that I can still get access to my nephews. But I didn’t send him a Christmas card this year, as I don’t think of him much at all now. As when he is old and alone, I certainly won’t be there to help him because he has never once been there when I needed him.

It’s not the amount of money, it is the principal of fairness. Why is it fair that you should give up opportunities in life because your DB isn’t motivated to make the most of his own?

tell your parents you have hopes and dreams too. Ask them what happens in future if YOU are struggling but all that money has gone. Point out you are careful and hard working because you respect how much your parents have done for you and wanted to show them you are worthy of the inheritance. tell them it will create a rift that will never properly heal if you are treated differently to your siblings, and the family will never seem the same to you again if your brother benefits from his lazy, selfish and thoughtless behaviour while you are effectively punished for trying to do the right thing all these years. Tell them you have been crying and crying because of the disappointment knowing that your parents want to support your db more than you.