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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset my inheritance is reduced

812 replies

MoMuM7 · 26/12/2022 11:18

I have very generous parents who worked extremely hard to ensure their kids were looked after. When we came of age (21) they told us how much each of us would inherit when we're turned 40. My sister asked for them to give a her a lump sum equal to her share so she could buy a house and they did that. When my brother turned 25, her asked for half of his share ao her could put down a deposit for a house and have enough cash to cover a 3 year sabbatical which they did. I haven't asked for anything as I was happy to wait till I turned 40. I started working when I was 16 so I have always been more financially secure than my siblings but im a freelancer which makes work difficult to come by and i also have 2 under 2. I'd planned to take 6 months maternity then go back to work in January but I'm shattered. My body, soul are exhausted from back to back pregnancies. I turn 40 in Feb so I was hoping to use my inheritance to take another year off, get therapy and sort my self out without financial pressure. DH works hard but his income alone won't cover us if I'm not earning.

Anyway, yesterday (Christmas!) my parents asked if they could reduce my inheritance sum as my brother 'needs it more'. He's just gone through a divorce (he cheated) and his ex-wife took him to the cleaners. His business went under during Covid and he hasn't worked in 2 years although he could get a job if he chose to. He claims he can't go back to working for someone else after having been his own boss for 10 years.

I'm devasted. My parents insist I don't have to say yes but I don't feel like i have much of a choice. I haven't stopped crying since.

OP posts:
bellac11 · 26/12/2022 11:41

I think you should say that you would rather not lose some of what your siblings seem to have had, but its not an inheritance its just some money that your parents have planned to give you all and ideally it would be even.

Equally you are all extremely privileged to be in the position to have money given to you

MelchiorsMistress · 26/12/2022 11:41

Say no! You will only have yourself to blame if you don’t and you end up feeling worse about it when your brother is sorted and you’re not. Stick up for yourself!

notsorich · 26/12/2022 11:41

I would be happy for my brother to have more if I thought he needed it more. It doesn't sound from your post that you think he does need it more?

Forget whether the divorce is his fault. Between you and your brother, who needs what cash to prop themselves back up?

Is your sister in a position to contribute any money to your brother, seeing as she had the benefit of a lump sum several years prior and may be in a better financial position now as a result?

I do think family should support each other where they can, but you haven't mentioned your sister giving anything up, just you (probably because your parents haven't considered that). If your brother truly needs a hand out to survive, everyone should be considering if they can afford to help him, not just you.

PS I think it was a bad idea of your parents to promise all three children a set lump sum later in life, but what's done is done, so here we are.

Tinkerbyebye · 26/12/2022 11:41

they asked, say No. explain how you feel, that freelancing is not secure, that you have job issues just like your brother, so sorry you need your inheritance.

your brother still has half his? Or is he older than you and has it already?

his choice to cheat, he takes the consequences of his actions

Supernormative · 26/12/2022 11:42

Just say no and that you think all siblings should be treated equally. Stand up for yourself.

e11even · 26/12/2022 11:43

It's a shame they asked you tbh.

SirVixofVixHall · 26/12/2022 11:44

Mumteedum · 26/12/2022 11:21

Don't say yes. Stand up for yourself. Explain how you feel. Women are conditioned to 'be nice'. Your brother will have to deal with consequences of his actions. Your parents have said you can say no, so please say no. It is not unreasonable.

This.

Overthebow · 26/12/2022 11:44

Just say no! They’ve given you the choice.

Hbh17 · 26/12/2022 11:45

It's not an inheritance if they are still alive. It's a gift.
Nobody is entitled to either inheritance or gifts.
Your parents only mistake was to make promises up front that perhaps they can't keep - to "buy" continuing interest from their adult children, perhaps?
Regardless, we can never rely on money coming to us in this way, so best to forget about it and sort out your own finances.

RobertsRadio · 26/12/2022 11:45

Just say NO and tell them exactly why. Don't' let them treat you as less just because your brother is a cheating, feckless workshy shit. Why should he be rewarded for cheating on his wife and refusing to get a job?

Answer - he should NOT.

Barbbarkbark · 26/12/2022 11:45

Not often so many are in agreement OP, take heart from that and say no!

Original poster
MoMuM7 · 26/12/2022 11:46

They chose to call it an inheritance so we can use the money while they are still alive. We get nothing once they pass. That's how they've planned it. This also very much their money so they choose how they spend. I haven't ever relied on them financially. DH and I work really hard. I suppose with a recession on and my desire for longer maternity leave, I wanted them to come through for me as they did for my siblings.

I think I can say no but what they hear is that I dint want to help my brother. He's now in a small flat with barely any space to host his kids. He's always battled depression but he's also fairly manipulative in a way they can't see.

I think my brother told them to ask me since he knows I'll be turning 40 soon. Either way, the family dynamics will never be the same again.

And yes, I'm the family doormat hence my need for therapy.

OP posts:
HomeAGnome · 26/12/2022 11:46

Say no , you've got plans for it. I think your parents want you to say no as it's easier for them to tell your brother @MoMuM7 doesn't want to rather than they don't want to
If they wanted to they could have just done it
It's totally unfair

MsVestibule · 26/12/2022 11:46
  1. It's not an inheritance, it's a handout. (That's not a criticism, my parents have given me money in the past.)
  2. 19 years ago, how could they possibly have known what their financial position be in 2023? That's a really weird thing to promise to your children.
  3. Just say no! Tell them what your plans are, tell them that they can give him his other half when he hits 40, but you want your full share now. (Perhaps put it a bit better than that 😉.)

Your parents really shouldn't have put you in this position, though. How did you react when they asked you?

SofiaSoFar · 26/12/2022 11:47

Tell them no. Why would you not do that?

The "..haven't stopped crying since" is pathetic though, to be quite frank.

FlissyPaps · 26/12/2022 11:47

PortiasBiscuit · 26/12/2022 11:29

Surely there is no such thing as an inheritance until someone is actually dead. Never understand why anyone has any expectation of anyone else’s money.

100%

Pure greed.

Original poster
MoMuM7 · 26/12/2022 11:47

WalkersAreNotTheOnlyCrisps · 26/12/2022 11:32

What a cheery conversation to have at Christmas 🍷

Choked on my mince pies 🤣

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 26/12/2022 11:47

Tell them you won't be able to work for a year as you are unwell and seeking help

stevalnamechanger · 26/12/2022 11:47

Say no . Not fair

3peassuit · 26/12/2022 11:48

It’s up to your parents what they do with their money but tell them why you feel it’s unfair that your brother has more than you because of his life choices.

Harperweek · 26/12/2022 11:49

Tell them no. You need the money for your own health.

usedtolovenaps · 26/12/2022 11:49

Your brother sounds like a handful.
It's understandable why you feel the way you feel, explain it to your parents and I'm sure they'll understand.

Boomboom22 · 26/12/2022 11:50

You need to explain how much you do need the money too. Your brother had his and choose to mess his life up. How dreadfully unfair to take from you. I can't believe they are entertaining the idea.

Original poster
MoMuM7 · 26/12/2022 11:50

MsVestibule · 26/12/2022 11:46

  1. It's not an inheritance, it's a handout. (That's not a criticism, my parents have given me money in the past.)
  2. 19 years ago, how could they possibly have known what their financial position be in 2023? That's a really weird thing to promise to your children.
  3. Just say no! Tell them what your plans are, tell them that they can give him his other half when he hits 40, but you want your full share now. (Perhaps put it a bit better than that 😉.)

Your parents really shouldn't have put you in this position, though. How did you react when they asked you?

I was too stunned to say anything. I think they took that as a sign that I might be considering their proposal

OP posts:
SoShallINever · 26/12/2022 11:50

I think its very controlling of your parents to tell you that at 21. Let alone then snatching the money back from you.
No one knows what the future brings, waiting around for inheritances (that may never materialise) is just ruinous.
More and more people leave no money at all these days, as the cost of care packages quickly eats up house sales.

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