To feel upset my inheritance is reduced

[MoMuM7]

I have very generous parents who worked extremely hard to ensure their kids were looked after. When we came of age (21) they told us how much each of us would inherit when we're turned 40. My sister asked for them to give a her a lump sum equal to her share so she could buy a house and they did that. When my brother turned 25, her asked for half of his share ao her could put down a deposit for a house and have enough cash to cover a 3 year sabbatical which they did. I haven't asked for anything as I was happy to wait till I turned 40. I started working when I was 16 so I have always been more financially secure than my siblings but im a freelancer which makes work difficult to come by and i also have 2 under 2. I'd planned to take 6 months maternity then go back to work in January but I'm shattered. My body, soul are exhausted from back to back pregnancies. I turn 40 in Feb so I was hoping to use my inheritance to take another year off, get therapy and sort my self out without financial pressure. DH works hard but his income alone won't cover us if I'm not earning.

Anyway, yesterday (Christmas!) my parents asked if they could reduce my inheritance sum as my brother 'needs it more'. He's just gone through a divorce (he cheated) and his ex-wife took him to the cleaners. His business went under during Covid and he hasn't worked in 2 years although he could get a job if he chose to. He claims he can't go back to working for someone else after having been his own boss for 10 years.

I'm devasted. My parents insist I don't have to say yes but I don't feel like i have much of a choice. I haven't stopped crying since.

You say no and tell them how you feel. It's not your problem your brother doesn't want a job and he has no right to sniff around money earmarked for you when he's had his.

Families make up all sorts of stories to justify why they favour some members over others even if it does and up in injustices and absurdities.

Tell your parents the truth of how you feel and what the money would mean to you now and, essentially, what a difference it would make to the important early years of your children.

Also - not the point of this thread - but has the lump sum been adjusted for inflation or is it the same as it was 20 years ago?

Wow no wonder you need therapy.

So your parents (and brother - I bet he's aware of this) have created a paradigm where you essentially have first refusal on X, and now they are begging you to share a certain proportion of X with your brother, so that they don't have to make any decisions here - despite them currently being the owners of X.

Why is taking from you the only way they can help your brother?

Presumably if they have enough money to be able to make firm promises on gifts with a nineteen year time horizon(!!!!) they have quite some buffer and can help out your brother separately, if that's what they want to do. I would be turning this back on them and pushing to keep your "inheritance" separate from the situation with him.

What happens to the rest of their money when they die, if none of you will formally inherit anything?

Your brother's had his share and he screwed his own life up.

I don't understand why your parents would think he should be entitled to have most of your share as well. Basically, it seems that you're being penalised for being sensible and working hard.

Say no. Tell your parents that you were relying on the money.

This sort of thing really annoys me because two of my children are in a similar position to you with their inheritance from their father (we're divorced).

He has handed over ££££ to our youngest child (mid 30s) and her husband (late 40s) because they are feckless and have relied on my exh to bail them out on numerous occasions.

As a consequence almost the sum total of what would have been all three children's inheritance from their father has gone to youngest child and her husband.

Your parents have put you in a difficult position, which is extermely unfair of them. They promised you this money, they should stick to their promise.

I would say very politely that no, we have all been given the same opportunities in life and its been up to us what to do with them so its unfair to bail out one at the expense of others because of their choices.

we will all get an equal share of parents estate. 1 sister has a minimum wage job that she chose and loves. Another sister earns £300,000 and the rest of us in between. We all think our parents will is totally fair.

He’s brought this on himself, tough fucking shit. Tell your parents no, stop being the family doormat-why should he get more because he fucked up? So he gets rewarded for cheating? I don’t think so! Tell your parents your plans re mat leave and taking time off and tell them you’d like the full amount, thanks very much. If they think it’s all planned and you’re relying on it, they can’t just give away what they said they’d give you.

It won’t be helpful for him on the long run, he needs to get a job.

Anyway, yesterday (Christmas!) my parents asked if they could reduce my inheritance sum as my brother 'needs it more'. He's just gone through a divorce (he cheated) and his ex-wife took him to the cleaners. His business went under during Covid and he hasn't worked in 2 years although he could get a job if he chose to. He claims he can't go back to working for someone else after having been his own boss for 10 years.

Tell your parents they will not be doing your brother any favours if they give him money. He will live off that and delay getting a job until it runs out. He can't work for someone else? How bloody pathetic and arrogant. Handing him money is facilitating his laziness.

Tell them how hurt you feel at the suggestion that of the money they refer to as 'inheritance' they are proposing your sister has one third, your brother has two thirds and you have nothing! Our dcs will be treated equally in our wills. As others have said, people's circumstances change. Your brother might marry someone wealthy next year and you might lose your job (touch wood you don't!).

You've taken a risk in waiting to claim your share. Any money your parents give you now may be liable to inheritance tax if they die within 7 years.

I really don't understand your comment about there not being any inheritance when they die. Do they not own a property or have savings in case they need care in their old age? If not, it's very silly of them to be giving money away.

I wonder how much input your brother has had in this suggestion...

Could they have already given him the handout on the presumption you are a pushover and would agree?

Say no.
Your brother made the choice to not to get a job which, as you say, will get him out of the hole he dug himself.

Say no and give them your bank details

Yep. I've always found the arrangement odd but that how they like it. They want to spend all their hard earned money while they are still alive. Everything left after they die goes to charity. To think they thought this would stop their children from squabbling over an inheritance 🙄

Sometimes things happen in life where you could do with a bit of support and your parents see that and they give you the financial help you need to get you through. OP didn't sound – in any of her posts – as though she was ever relying on the money. It seems the opposite, even, that it just so happens the timing of the money would be helpful for her but she could financially manage without it.

I really don't think it's a humiliating situation to be in, not for OP, anyway. For somebody like her brother, who's caused his own problems and now wants to take from his sibling because he doesn't much fancy getting a job, maybe it could be called "embarrassing and humiliating".

This. Surely if youve worked for the past 24 years, you’ve managed to build up enough savings to fund a years maternity?

Your parents sound quite controlling and a bit toxic. I wouldn't like having this gift/handout/inheritance hanging over me my entire adult life. They have put all the decision making and outcomes on you which is massively unfair. Your brother is a grown up and should be able to deal with the consequences of his own actions like everyone else.

Please talk to your parents. They've put you in an impossible situation and are trying to make you make their shitty decision for them. They've just passed the shitty baton to you presuming you will carry on being the family doormat.

So what is going to be ? your inability of giving them an straight answer it may be seen as a “ yes”. I would grow a spine and get my money your MH is as important as your brother, he screwed his share already, do you think if you give him yours will be any different? it will be squandered, you’ll be in a worst position than you are now as you’ll be filled with bitterness and anger and the money will be gone .

To be quite honest, I’d be worried in your situation that they’ll have no money in their old age and will need financial assistance from their children… and it sounds like your brother absolutely wouldn’t be interested and quite possibly not your sister either…

I think you have been conditioned to consider others before yourself. Your siblings have not, or have broken this.

How about thinking of the money as your family money - particularly your childrens.

Are you really going to put your brother ahead of your two children? Really? You need to toughen up a little and explain to your parents why - write it down for them and then give it to them, rather than have a conversation, as it is not a discussion.

You cannot stop your parents giving it to your brother, but you don’t have to make everyone else feel good about it. It is not OK. Your brother messed up and he/his family is suffering for it - he doesn’t get to pass the suffering to you.

She’s got other two siblings who did not think of that when they took their share, why would she worry about that? i assume they have a property that can be sold and the money used towards their care if needed

as everyone else has said you need to tell them exactly what you have said here. You have been given a choice use it. If they thought it was ok they would have just gone ahead and given him more money.

I hope you can tell them How you feel if you find it hard to speak to them, write to them instead?

I don’t understand why your brother needs “your share” when he only took 50% of “his share”. Surely his other 50% is still there to be claimed?

It seems as if your brother has pushed for this. You need to explain to your parents what you said to us in your first post. Gently refuse their request, if they decide to go ahead with it sobeit. Is there a time when you, your siblings and parents are together, you could use that as a forum (hopefully getting sister's support as it sounds as if you need it). Your brother has had his share, as has your sister. Resentment would be like a cloud over your future relationship with your brother. Take your share when 40, if you get the opportunity. It's not for you to bail your brother out.

Really, what they are asking is if you can give some of your money to your brother.

What it feels like they are asking is - can they can give some of their money to your brother.

I understand why it's difficult to say no. But your brother had his sabbatical. You have 2 under 2 and your responsibility to your family now prioritises your own children. It's a difficult shift to make in your brain having spent a long time being a daughter and a sister. But now you are a Mum first - your children and partner are your main family now. Would you think it reasonable if your Father asked if he could give some of your inheritance to your Uncle?

I know what being the family doormat feels like and how hard it is to override a lifetime of being made to feel responsible for everyone else. But your children deserve a parent who puts them first, not their uncle. He made his own bed. You wouldn't take £5k out of savings for him knowing it meant you had to shorten your mat leave. So why would you accept £5k less?? That's effectively what the choice is.

(this would be different if you brother was at risk - had health problems/learning difficulties/could not afford to house himself etc).

Be firm..

20 years ago you offered this sum when I turned 40. I have not asked for it before and I hope you will give me the same as you gave my sister and the same amount that you will also give in total to my brother.

Do not leave the slightest space in your reply for them to push this.

If they insist... say.. fine.. do as you wish but I hope that when my time comes, I know that the right thing to do is to treat my children equally so that they know they are loved equally.

.... but your brother needs it more....

That is your opinion... my perspective is that you are putting his needs above mine and it affects how I feel about which child you favour. That money could have benefited me before now and would be worth more tahn it is today if I had used it to buy property.

If they insist that they love you equally and give you what you need.....

Say.... again, that is your opinion. I see it otherwise but I am powerless to affect your decision if you choose not to accept my point of view.