To feel upset my inheritance is reduced

[MoMuM7]

I have very generous parents who worked extremely hard to ensure their kids were looked after. When we came of age (21) they told us how much each of us would inherit when we're turned 40. My sister asked for them to give a her a lump sum equal to her share so she could buy a house and they did that. When my brother turned 25, her asked for half of his share ao her could put down a deposit for a house and have enough cash to cover a 3 year sabbatical which they did. I haven't asked for anything as I was happy to wait till I turned 40. I started working when I was 16 so I have always been more financially secure than my siblings but im a freelancer which makes work difficult to come by and i also have 2 under 2. I'd planned to take 6 months maternity then go back to work in January but I'm shattered. My body, soul are exhausted from back to back pregnancies. I turn 40 in Feb so I was hoping to use my inheritance to take another year off, get therapy and sort my self out without financial pressure. DH works hard but his income alone won't cover us if I'm not earning.

Anyway, yesterday (Christmas!) my parents asked if they could reduce my inheritance sum as my brother 'needs it more'. He's just gone through a divorce (he cheated) and his ex-wife took him to the cleaners. His business went under during Covid and he hasn't worked in 2 years although he could get a job if he chose to. He claims he can't go back to working for someone else after having been his own boss for 10 years.

I'm devasted. My parents insist I don't have to say yes but I don't feel like i have much of a choice. I haven't stopped crying since.

Another vote to not say yes. You have been “asked” in a highly emotive way but l wouldn’t go along with it. No one made him cheat, he has to feel the consequences of his actions. But l suppose you didn’t need to have back to back pregnancies. By your parents logic, then your sister better give some money back to subsidise your brother. Is there a back story of you and your siblings being treated differently?

If you decide to help your brother out with money, then make sure you pass the money on yourself from you, as it’s your money. You should get the thanks from your brother, not your parents. I think your parents are being very short sighted. What if your brother uses your money to start another business and because far richer than you, are you entitled to a share of that. What happens if you hit hard times, should your brother help you out. Every time your brother treats himself or goes away on holiday you’re going to resent him. Your parents are going to drive a massive wedge between you and your brother here.

YABU Your parents have said you can say no, so say no! That's completely reasonable.

Say no

Ha! That's a brilliant way to look at it.

I hear you, OP.

My younger sister is the golden child. We’re both in our 40s. My parents have worked hard and have money. My mother likes to believe that she’s always been fair with us both, but I know she’s subsidised my sister (who has climbed the properly ladder in London and now has a house worth approx £1.5m). She had a baby in lockdown (single parent) and came home “for a few weeks” in summer 2020. She’s still here. Her child is autistic and she has my aging parents waiting on her 24/7 whilst she moans about it (and seemingly has no intention to change anything and is talking about homeschooling). House in London is rented out which provides her with a very healthy income.

My mother cornered me yesterday to say we need to talk about their will. She thinks she should leave their house to my sister rather than 50/50 as she doesn’t know whether her (toddler) child will ever be able to live independently. No suggestion of her London house being sold to support themselves. She might put some cash in trust for my DD, but doesn’t want her to “not work hard”.

I’ve never wanted their money. But it hurts. I’ll be back to extremely limited contact come new year. :(

Either way, the family dynamics will never be the same again.

All the more reason to stand up for yourself and get your fair share.

As others have said, it’s not an inheritance, it’s a gift. In your position, I’d be telling my parents that of course they can do what they want with their money, but if they prioritise your brother by gifting him your ‘gift’, then in effect they’re saying he’s more important than you.
And, they also need to be aware that at their age, deprivation of assets may become an issue should they need care in the next few years.

I like this response.

I love my DB but no way would I do that for him especially if it was his own doing.Say no.

I understand how privileged I am. I was in two minds about posting because of that. I've never had a handout from anyone and have worked since I was 16. I honestly wish they'd never offered in the first place.

My parents insist I don't have to say yes

Great!

OP what you say about there not being anything when they pass, doesnt really make sense. Firstly if they need care and they've given hundreds of thousands to the 3 of you over the years that will cause an issue

Secondly where are they living, in their own owned house? What will come of that money then when they pass?

So its not an inheritance, its a gift and not to be relied on (well neither is inheritance)

The Op didn't ask for the money. This whole situation has come about because the parents made rash offers and then changed the terms.
Nothing greedy about that.

The parents shouldn't have put the Op in this position in the first place.

Why do you feel the need to say yes?
Just say no, your brother is not your responsibility and he'll probably just waste the money again.
It sounds like he is pressuring your parents and they don't feel they can say no so they are hoping you say no instead.

I think you have been placed in an impossible position, so have to be honest about it. Explain what your plans were and how much you need it, and then tell them that if they decide not to give you the money but to transfer it to your brother instead, that has to be their decision not yours.

Imho it is really unfair. We all face set-backs and have to rebuild. You all made adult decisions on when in your lives you chose to take your inheritance and to rewrite the rules now isn't right. But you're going to live with guilt and a bit of resentment whatever happens now, aren't you? So you may as well push back on them.

This. ^ I can't believe people still rely on/depend on handouts from family these days, when they're 30+ and married with kids. It's like people who have their parents pay for their wedding. So embarrassing and humiliating IMO. I find it cringe and don't know how people can do it. I may be slightly jealous and bitter that no-one ever given me fuck-all or paid for anything for me! 😕

Speak up and say "Actually I wouldn't be ok with that. I have two very young children and I would prefer to use the money for them than for DB. Obviously it is your money and your choice, but no, I am not in favour."

You sound like a kind soul and I understand your disappointment. Your brother has to work this one out for himself.

Sending you best wishes as you move through this busy time of life with little ones.

I have experience of a similar situation.
I think that on these occasions it’s important to be completely honest. Tell your parents how you feel and what your current circumstances are.
I think you’ll regret it if you don’t.

Sorry- I have to step in here to try to prevent an injustice.

Please do not let your parents reduce your gift money. You will kick yourself for years after. You deserve that money and have waited patiently for years.

Your brother is a CF who brought his troubles on himself. If your parents want to help him that's up to them but it shouldn't come at a cost to you!

Seriously though @MoMuM7 You do have a right to be miffed, and it really REALLY fucks me off how the BOYS in the family get favoured by their mother. Awwww, he needs it more. Fcuk off!

Imagine for a moment they'd decided to do the conventional thing and will the money to their DC after death. Would it be reasonable to decide that oh, Johnny is going through a tricky divorce now in 2022, and he'd find it too stressful to work for an employer after being his own boss, poor lamb, so screw MoMum. She'll be fine. Would it? Other than in very exceptional circumstances, like a vulnerable child needing care, that's not generally seen as a reasonable approach.

I would be happy to help my brother too but it's difficult to do here as a job would resolve all his financial issues. I, on the other hand, would be feel like I would be crushed if I returned to work.

It's their money. They can do what they want with it of course. They probably shouldnt have told us about it. My sister was not mentioned in the conversation at all. She would definitely not help out my brother. They can barely sit in the same room.

This. Tell them you were going to ask for some now and why.