To feel upset my inheritance is reduced

[MoMuM7]

I have very generous parents who worked extremely hard to ensure their kids were looked after. When we came of age (21) they told us how much each of us would inherit when we're turned 40. My sister asked for them to give a her a lump sum equal to her share so she could buy a house and they did that. When my brother turned 25, her asked for half of his share ao her could put down a deposit for a house and have enough cash to cover a 3 year sabbatical which they did. I haven't asked for anything as I was happy to wait till I turned 40. I started working when I was 16 so I have always been more financially secure than my siblings but im a freelancer which makes work difficult to come by and i also have 2 under 2. I'd planned to take 6 months maternity then go back to work in January but I'm shattered. My body, soul are exhausted from back to back pregnancies. I turn 40 in Feb so I was hoping to use my inheritance to take another year off, get therapy and sort my self out without financial pressure. DH works hard but his income alone won't cover us if I'm not earning.

Anyway, yesterday (Christmas!) my parents asked if they could reduce my inheritance sum as my brother 'needs it more'. He's just gone through a divorce (he cheated) and his ex-wife took him to the cleaners. His business went under during Covid and he hasn't worked in 2 years although he could get a job if he chose to. He claims he can't go back to working for someone else after having been his own boss for 10 years.

I'm devasted. My parents insist I don't have to say yes but I don't feel like i have much of a choice. I haven't stopped crying since.

As I see it, you have two options.

You can either be a martyr and sit there crying about it or you can be honest with them.

If you choose to be a martyr, that’s on you and you will resent your brother and your parents anyway.

If you are honest, you will still resent them but will have the money that was promised to you unless they choose to go against your wishes and give him the money anyway.

Say no. He’s made choices. Say I’ve really been hanging on for the last couple of years. I know it’s very generous of you to do this and it means a lot to me. I might sound selfish but I don’t want to give up my planned break so my brother doesn’t have to bother having a job for years and I don’t think it’s good for him either to be honest. I’m sorry if that is upsetting to you but that’s very much how I feel.

I think my brother told them to ask me since he knows I'll be turning 40 soon.

Have the conversation with him directly.

‘Bro, parents want me to give up any money so you can have it all. Did you know about this? Do you think that’s fair?’

True

Your brother needs to understand there are consequences to actions. Odd that he thinks he's entitled to some of your inheritance because he couldn't keep it in his pants.

Absolutely say no.

To soften it you could say that, if anything, your brother's circumstances have shown you how quickly life can turn and you may need the money too.

In your situation, however, I'd ask for the money now so that you are certain you will receive it.

Say no, do it by text if you feel uncomfortable saying it to them. Tell them that as an adult, your brother needs to learn that actions have consequences and that it's unfair to make others pay for his mistakes. If everyone else keeps paying for his mistakes he'll never learn. At the end of the day though, it's their money to do what they want, and as adults we should never rely on anyone else for financial support.

Don't say yes

Tell them you would like to have your full amount now but if there is any money left after doing all you had planned to do with the money then you will give that to your brother. Obviously give him nothing though.

I would say that it would cause lifelong resentment. Also as no one knows what the future will bring it is completely unfair that you miss out just because your db happens to be struggling right now. You might struggle in 10 years. Who is going to help you then. Tell them you would feel less loved and forced to be the one to sacrifice and that it would irreparably damage your relationships.

Please just be honest.

I'd tell your parents about just how shattered you are and were really counting on the money. Your brother has pushed emotional buttons why shouldn't you?I'd also point out that when your sister and brother took the money many years ago it was actually worth more. Your sister played a blinder getting it all years back to buy a house when housing was cheaper and the money worth more relatively.

It pees me off that being the non demanding child never seems to pay off financially.

It's true that it is your parents money to use as they see fit but they made a verbal pact with you all years ago and which DB and DS drew on early whilst you kept to the agreement. Shows where you fit on the pecking order.

I think this is the perfect response. They've put you in a horrible position, so they can convince themselves in the future that MoMuM7 did actually agree to give her share to her brother, thus absolving themselves of any guilt.

I know how difficult family dynamics can be, but for the sake of you and your children and DH, now is the time to stand up for yourself. If they choose to give the money to your brother anyway, that's their call but at least you know you've said what you think.

Just say no. I might say- I’ve never asked and thought that the ££ would come when I was 40 as planned and agreed and I have made plans around that. It would be difficult for me to pass on my share when DB has already had some money already.

then stop talking. Let it sink in and just leave it. They have asked you the impossible but you’re well within your rights to say no.

how much ££ are we talking?

Nope. Why should you return to work earlier than necessary when you are exhausted, when there is a cushion available for you?

Your reaction to this shows where you are mentally - in need of more time off rather than working with two tiny humans in very expensive childcare, and the full juggle and stress of that.

Tell them how you feel, and that you need yours now so you can prevent an almost inevitable slide into a mental health crisis (in my opinion) if you return to work.

And your brother can get a bloody job like the rest of us and sort his own shit out.

I would also tell them that you planned to stop work as you are exhausted snd haven't been all that well and that you rely on that inheritance to enable you to do so. Guilt trips can go both ways.

I do sympathise that it is so hard to have conversations like these with your parents but you have nothing at all to feel bad about - they have given you a choice, you have as valid a need for the money as your brother at this time in your life, so speak up and say so. Let them choose how to proceed knowing your true feelings. It’s actually dishonest not to.

Yes. Exactly!

It's unfair of them to put this on you unless they said they were re doing their Will to reflect that your siblings got more while they were alive and you were getting more later if there is anything and they are leaving it to you guys.

If your brother's circumstances were in a dire way because of illness, etc that might be different but he literally brought it upon himself and the cherry is he doesn't want to work for someone else but is happy to take from his parents or sister to avoid doing that. Have you told your DH?

I think you feel bad even though you shouldn't. Yes it's fortunate to get money from your parents and we shouldn't expect it. You aren't acting like an entitled brat and expecting help or finds they literally dangled it in front of you and have given it to your siblings early because they asked for it. You waited and you didn't ask and you've saw how it benefited your siblings. Imagine you had taken it earlier think about the difference that would have been made to your mortgage if you have one and then your quality of life in turn etc

Definitely this. For you and your children.
Your brother has no greater entitlement and you need to say no.

Say no, it was unfair of them dangling the promise of money in front of you all for years.

It was unfair of them to change the term of the offer to allow your siblings to take the money early.

And it is really unfair to put a burden on you because of your brothers misdemeanours.

You kept to your end of the deal by abiding by the timescale so therefore they need to keep their end of the deal and give you the money as promised to you all those years ago.

Your brother will need to get a job.

this response. This makes it very clear you need the money and they are choosing the lazy penis over a daughter.

Just say no - the money was earmarked for you and your family

I’m essentially placemarking as I want to know how the conversation goes but totally back you up, you’re not being unreasonable to be upset.

I sympathise with your parents - they sound lovely and probably well meaning. I’m sure they don’t want to upset their daughter but have been put in a difficult position by your brother. I have to say though, they make utterly bizarre financial decisions!

They’re trying to absolve themselves of guilt by putting it on to you, make you make the decision so that either you don’t let your brother have the money and cause a rift, or you do and then you feel resentment and have fractured relationships with them. As “family doormat” they’re counting on you to do this.

I’d make them own their decision themselves. Explain what you were intending to use the money for, how you’re feeling etc, “I was going to use the money for this, due to this”. Then acknowledge that it’s their money that they’ve worked hard for, so it has to be their decision.

Oh, and then hold your head up high that you’ve stood on your own two feet all of your life and never relied on them, and then absolutely work through all of it in therapy!

I would say no. He had his money and he spent it/lost it. That's not your problem. If you say no, explain your reasoning and they choose to anyway then it's out of your hands and you've done everything you can do. Don't be a doormat and pretend you're OK with it when you obviously aren't - and shouldn't be expected to be.