Page 9 | Feel so disappointed with yesterday

grasshopper20 · 2022-12-26T09:41:52+00:00

I feel really bad about yesterday. Didn't go at all how I imagined. This is our first year with DD. DP has been poorly for the last few days. I've had DD on my own while DP has been in bed for the last few days. All day, all night. Yesterday DP woke up but said she needed to go back to bed for a couple of hours so I said that's fine, go to sleep and we'll open presents and get ready when she wakes up. Anyway it gets to 10.20am so I go upstairs (not knowing how long to leave it), DP is in bed on her phone. So I said 'oh good, you're up, let's go downstairs, what do you want for breakfast?' Etc. DP comes downstairs but is annoyed with me for not waking her up sooner saying 'there's things I wanted us to do this morning such as..' and listed things she wanted to do with the baby. Basically she wanted a relaxing Xmas morning. Who doesn't?! And was annoyed I'd not woken her at 9 Instead. DP was really annoyed in the morning and kept going on about how we were going to be late (going out for a meal with family). That the morning wasn't relaxed. We still hadn't opened presents (which we then left to the evening). Kept saying 'why didn't you just wake me?!' We needed to leave the house by 11.50am (picking up family to go out). It ended up being a big argument. We went out but later wasn't speaking again as DP was saying things that annoyed her about my family. I.e. them expecting her to pick them up and drop them off etc (which is true). I just feel so bad. I felt bad that I hadn't woken her up earlier. I just wanted her to rest because she'd been poorly and I knew it was a busy day. I genuinely thought I was doing a good thing by letting her lie in but really I do understand she wanted a relaxing morning and it ended up being rushed. I just feel sad we weren't speaking half the day and it was our first Christmas with a baby. It was just awful really.

determinedtomakethiswork · 27/12/2022 03:53

Thepeopleversuswork · 26/12/2022 09:43

Why the fuck couldn’t she have set an alarm? Why is this your problem?

She was awake anyway! She was on her phone.

Ivyonafence · 27/12/2022 03:54

She sounds like an absolute pain.

It's disrespectful to criticise your family.

Sleeping all morning and then blaming you is ridiculous.

And she was on her phone, does her phone not have a clock on it?

Stop accepting her nonsense.

changeme4this · 27/12/2022 04:33

She is being entitled, immature, sulky and isn’t pulling her weight in the relationship or as a parent.

up to you how to handle this.

BowiesJumper · 27/12/2022 06:11

What are her redeeming qualities? Why do you put up with her being so awful?

1AngelicFruitCake · 27/12/2022 06:19

What hours do you both work?

Leopard55 · 27/12/2022 06:19

She sounds like a pain in general but do you know why she doesn’t like your family? She feels annoyed before she even sees them and it is affecting your relationship as she takes it out on you. Can you talk to her about why she doesn’t like them?

Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon · 27/12/2022 07:05

Yes she is being unreasonable and really overreacted here, however as someone that suffers from a lot of anxiety and overthinks situations and puts a lot of pressure on them maybe DP wanted the day to be perfect and just felt really disappointed when it didn’t go exactly to plan. Especially when they may have felt they didn’t join in the previous few days by being ill / sleeping etc. I’m sure they will look back on their behaviour and regret it and apologise. Christmas makes some of us go a bit crazy with the pressure of it all! Maybe DP also didn’t want to see your family / didn’t like the plan for the day and the real issue was with that. We had to leave the house ready midday both Xmas day and Boxing Day and it’s stressful to get in nice family / play time with 2 children and trying to look your best etc AND feel relaxed and happy.You only need to worry about spoiling Xmas for the little ones when they are old enough to remember anything that has happened or have high expectations. (Eg my 5 year old)

Damnautocorrect · 27/12/2022 07:59

She sounds, at best an arse, at worse abusive.
having you walk on eggshells
having you stress about seeing your family and her reaction means your less likely to see them which isolates you.

she was on her phone, she knew the time. She was using it as a stick to beat you with so she could behave like a cunt towards you and your family.

catless · 27/12/2022 08:05

She's a bully.

Original poster

grasshopper20 · 27/12/2022 08:13

@Leopard55
She thinks they're entitled and selfish.
That's what her response usually is. Or she will say it isn't that she doesn't like them, but she doesn't like their behaviour.

And although people are saying about me driving. I have also spoken about this and said if I drive the car, or get my own car, she would still not want me picking them up etc because they should be making their own way to places.

My family do get buses to work but if they come out with us they will usually, most often expect a lift.

OP posts:

Dguu6u · 27/12/2022 08:23

She's gaslighting you. Makes a mistake and turns the blame on you, and you are taking it. Also not pulling her weight with caring for your child. A night feed does not take three hours.

Now would be a good time to re-evaluate your relationship.

Jimboscott0115 · 27/12/2022 08:27

Pretty narcissistic behaviour here OP. Your DP managed to take a away a day meant for you, her, your child and your family and make it all about her.

It's quite common with certain personality types to manufacture a situation so others have to fawn over them, no matter how contrived and think about it - this argument is extremely manufactured by her. She had the option of Alarm clock, checking the time on her phone or simply getting up when she woke up. She then argued because she wanted a chilled morning... Yet being in bed is a chilled as it gets! She then proceeded to blame you, then sulked all day by the sounds of it and managed to make it all about her.

Quite impressive in a 'I did this on purpose to draw the attention to myself' kind of way, no?

Beetlejuice43 · 27/12/2022 08:30

You are letting her bully you - sounds like this was only symptomatic of a very toxic relationship. DH never got up with me and the kids and I have burned with resentment ever since. She’s rude to your family. Sorry - she sounds awful. Show her this post please. She needs to change. Quickly - and so do you. No idea why you offered to make her breakfast!!

FeetupTvon · 27/12/2022 08:40

She sounds nasty.
Stop allowing her to treat you like this.
She has no right to blame you and should not be unkind to your family.

olympicsrock · 27/12/2022 08:52

Yea she was being a dick. Felt unwell , tired , doesn’t like your family and so was a sick about Christmas Day.

User787878787878 · 27/12/2022 09:11

She thinks they're entitled and selfish

@grasshopper20 well she would know, wouldn't she, judging by her own behaviour?

Again, what are you getting from this relationship? Does it make you feel good or bring anything positive into your life?

Wanderingowl · 27/12/2022 10:10

grasshopper20 · 26/12/2022 21:36

@OhChristmasTreeOhChristmasTreeFaLaLa
She is the baby's mother. We're married. We are both parents to the baby regardless of who gave birth.

Is she though? I don't mean this in terms of biology, legality or sexuality but being a parent isn't about rights it's about responsibilities. My ex-husband, while being my DS's legal and biological father isn't a parent. He doesn't take any genuine responsibility. He's a regular presence in his life but as a Disney dad.

Parenting takes willing sacrifice. It often means going without the things you really want for yourself. It sometimes takes suffering with good grace, like when you are feeling really sick but have no choice but to get up and keep going for your child and not making them feel bad about it. It takes having to get back up and deal with something literally 15 seconds after you finally sat down. It takes putting your anger, disappointment, resentment on hold so your child feels happy and safe. And in a lot of cases it can take learning not to feel anger, disappointment and resentment at things that set you off before, because choosing to be a parent very often means having to readjust your whole outlook on life. Is your wife doing all of that? If she isn't, she isn't really a parent.

And on the flipside, the best of parents learn that while an awful lot of the time, they can't put themselves first. There are also times that being a good parent means not taking shit. I left my husband very, very quickly after DS was born as I realised that DS only had one potentially good parent and I could not meet that potential if I stayed in that marriage. Things aren't necessarily that drastic for you and and your wife. Adjusting to a new baby takes time and often causes issues in a relationship that can be resolved. But if this is part of an ongoing pattern, then maybe it is time to consider if your wife truly is a parent to your DD or someone who is sucking energy from her actual parent.

DarkForces · 27/12/2022 10:27

I'm with her on the driving. Why should she have to ferry everyone around? Just the expectation would infuriate me.

On everything else it sounds like she was spoiling for a row and wanted to spoil your family day

CuriousMama · 27/12/2022 13:46

Wanderingowl · 27/12/2022 10:10

Is she though? I don't mean this in terms of biology, legality or sexuality but being a parent isn't about rights it's about responsibilities. My ex-husband, while being my DS's legal and biological father isn't a parent. He doesn't take any genuine responsibility. He's a regular presence in his life but as a Disney dad.

Parenting takes willing sacrifice. It often means going without the things you really want for yourself. It sometimes takes suffering with good grace, like when you are feeling really sick but have no choice but to get up and keep going for your child and not making them feel bad about it. It takes having to get back up and deal with something literally 15 seconds after you finally sat down. It takes putting your anger, disappointment, resentment on hold so your child feels happy and safe. And in a lot of cases it can take learning not to feel anger, disappointment and resentment at things that set you off before, because choosing to be a parent very often means having to readjust your whole outlook on life. Is your wife doing all of that? If she isn't, she isn't really a parent.

And on the flipside, the best of parents learn that while an awful lot of the time, they can't put themselves first. There are also times that being a good parent means not taking shit. I left my husband very, very quickly after DS was born as I realised that DS only had one potentially good parent and I could not meet that potential if I stayed in that marriage. Things aren't necessarily that drastic for you and and your wife. Adjusting to a new baby takes time and often causes issues in a relationship that can be resolved. But if this is part of an ongoing pattern, then maybe it is time to consider if your wife truly is a parent to your DD or someone who is sucking energy from her actual parent.

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@Wanderingowl spot on.

theleafandnotthetree · 27/12/2022 14:38

Wanderingowl · 27/12/2022 10:10

Is she though? I don't mean this in terms of biology, legality or sexuality but being a parent isn't about rights it's about responsibilities. My ex-husband, while being my DS's legal and biological father isn't a parent. He doesn't take any genuine responsibility. He's a regular presence in his life but as a Disney dad.

Parenting takes willing sacrifice. It often means going without the things you really want for yourself. It sometimes takes suffering with good grace, like when you are feeling really sick but have no choice but to get up and keep going for your child and not making them feel bad about it. It takes having to get back up and deal with something literally 15 seconds after you finally sat down. It takes putting your anger, disappointment, resentment on hold so your child feels happy and safe. And in a lot of cases it can take learning not to feel anger, disappointment and resentment at things that set you off before, because choosing to be a parent very often means having to readjust your whole outlook on life. Is your wife doing all of that? If she isn't, she isn't really a parent.

And on the flipside, the best of parents learn that while an awful lot of the time, they can't put themselves first. There are also times that being a good parent means not taking shit. I left my husband very, very quickly after DS was born as I realised that DS only had one potentially good parent and I could not meet that potential if I stayed in that marriage. Things aren't necessarily that drastic for you and and your wife. Adjusting to a new baby takes time and often causes issues in a relationship that can be resolved. But if this is part of an ongoing pattern, then maybe it is time to consider if your wife truly is a parent to your DD or someone who is sucking energy from her actual parent.

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So well put. Time, energy and head space spent fighting to make someone an equal parent, wondering why they won't step up, feeling resentful because they don't, walking on eggshells around them to make sure they are not inconvenienced....all of these make parenting much harder than it needs to be and means less time for parenting AND for yourself.

Original poster

grasshopper20 · 27/12/2022 14:41

@Wanderingowl

I understand what you're saying and if I thought she wasn't a good parent, I absolutely would not tolerate that for my DC.
But she is a really good mum.
We have spent years and years going through IVF. We have been through a lot together.

She absolutely loves our baby. She takes good care of her, researches things for her - developmental milestones, what we need to help support her development, things to do together, takes her to places while I'm at work, different baby groups etc.

I think more of what I might need to focus on for myself is being more assertive. I can be very assertive when it comes to work but in my personal life, not so much.

OP posts:

Josette77 · 27/12/2022 15:34

She's emotionally abusive OP. She is cruel to you. A good parent doesn't ruin Christmas. Your baby is too young to notice. Eventually she will notice the abuse. Please get help.

FlowerLilyFix · 27/12/2022 16:11

I feel sad for you OP. You don’t owe this woman anything. You’re the work horse, you’ve recently had a baby and gone back to work. She’s living her best life. Gets quality time with the baby, you work your arse off, you had the baby/gave birth your body has been through a lot. She should be more nurturing. What is her life without you? You’re paying for her to live and gets to do all the lovely things with your baby. You’d think she’d be kinder to you.

get rid.