Feel so disappointed with yesterday

[grasshopper20]

I feel really bad about yesterday. Didn't go at all how I imagined.
This is our first year with DD.

DP has been poorly for the last few days. I've had DD on my own while DP has been in bed for the last few days. All day, all night.

Yesterday DP woke up but said she needed to go back to bed for a couple of hours so I said that's fine, go to sleep and we'll open presents and get ready when she wakes up.
Anyway it gets to 10.20am so I go upstairs (not knowing how long to leave it), DP is in bed on her phone. So I said 'oh good, you're up, let's go downstairs, what do you want for breakfast?' Etc.

DP comes downstairs but is annoyed with me for not waking her up sooner saying 'there's things I wanted us to do this morning such as..' and listed things she wanted to do with the baby.
Basically she wanted a relaxing Xmas morning. Who doesn't?!
And was annoyed I'd not woken her at 9 Instead.

DP was really annoyed in the morning and kept going on about how we were going to be late (going out for a meal with family). That the morning wasn't relaxed.
We still hadn't opened presents (which we then left to the evening). Kept saying 'why didn't you just wake me?!'

We needed to leave the house by 11.50am (picking up family to go out).
It ended up being a big argument.

We went out but later wasn't speaking again as DP was saying things that annoyed her about my family. I.e. them expecting her to pick them up and drop them off etc (which is true).

I just feel so bad. I felt bad that I hadn't woken her up earlier.
I just wanted her to rest because she'd been poorly and I knew it was a busy day. I genuinely thought I was doing a good thing by letting her lie in but really I do understand she wanted a relaxing morning and it ended up being rushed.

I just feel sad we weren't speaking half the day and it was our first Christmas with a baby. It was just awful really.

I’m sorry but she sounds like a total bratty nightmare who will ruin your life if you let her. “I’ve been up twice to wake her” - this is how you deal with an annoying teenager, not a partner! It sounds like you’ve both gradually agreed that it’s your job to manage her, and that if anything goes wrong with the day then it’s your fault for being a bad manager. Just stop doing all of it, and tell her you’re stopping doing all of it. You’re not her parent and she needs to grow up and stop being an areshole.

Did she specify 9am to you? If not it's her fault and her responsibility to either communicate or set an alarm. Hope today is better x

She was looking at her phone , she could have seen the time on that , probably did and chose to ignore it

She sounds really awful and manipulative. It was her choice to stay in bed, her choice to offer to drive your family. And then she decided to ruin your Christmas Day because of decisions she made.

Can you leave her behind today?

Does she do this kind of thing a lot? (I'm guessing yes)

Gah. One of my absolute hates is when people blame others for their mistakes. “Sorry. I was tired and got distracted by my phone” would be irritating, but nowhere near as shitty as blaming you.

The dynamic of your relationship seems strange. Is it always you who’s up with dd and her who is sleeping, or is that because of the recent illness? If you can drive, why couldn’t you take her car?

I hope today is a better day.

I think you can do better OP.

I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone like this. Sulking and huffing are exhausting qualities to have to deal with in a person. A relationship where you are constantly treading on eggshells to avoid the silent treatment is not a relationship worth having in my book.

She was complaining she didn't get a chance to relax because she was in bed sleeping? She needs to cop herself on.

I think she wanted a fight.

She was sitting in bed playing on her phone. She was awake and knew what time it was but she had decided to leave it to you to come and get her, and if you came up too late in her mind then she could blame you and be mean to you and your family.

She wanted that to happen. It sounds like you spent xmas with your family and not hers, so was this her plan? Make it horrible as a punishment for spending the day with your family.

She knew exactly what time it was but chose to play on her phone instead of geting up so she could put that responsibility onto you and then use it as an excuse to ruin the day. Is this the first time she has ruined something involving your family or plans for your both?

What everyone else had said.

Does she do this a lot?

I understand why she might not I have wanted to play taxi driver for everyone on Christmas Day-does nobody in your family drive at all? Can she not insure you on her car?

That said…she is behaving like a petulant teenager spoiling for an argument to get out of doing what she wants. Is this really how you want to live your life?

Surely all phones show the time when you switch them on?
Regardless, it was not your responsibility to manage her time. She was awake when you went in so could have checked her phone or clock for the time. Very unhealthy her eagerness to cause an argument over very little.

Her behaviour was all about punishing you because she doesnt like your family.

Why don't you both drive the car?

Op, there's a ton of red flags in your posts. She sounds controlling, manipulative and exhausting.

She sounds like a bloke from the 1950’s where on earth did you find her

I'd say sometimes, yes.
Whenever it's anything to do with my family, this happens really.
I am frustrated with myself really that I let it happen.

It's a shame you've just had a baby as my advice was going to get out before you spend the rest of your life with this level of mistreatment.

Don’t be frustrated with yourself, it’s victim blaming. She needs to take responsibility for herself and her moods.

This isn't about her not being woken up at 9am, driving to your family etc. There are other things going on in your relationship or with her and sooner that gets talked about the better- especially if you have a baby together.

I honestly don't think this is going to get better on its own, especially if she's making little effort today as well. I have zero patience for adults who don't adult. If you're a grown up, you speak to your partner, not sulk and head off to bed.

Maybe next year, you drive your family home or let them know that they need to book taxis? I don't drink and although I don't mind driving people home, I would be a bit annoyed if it was expected especially if they could learn to drive but just hadn't bothered, and if I was dropping all over town.

Good luck OP.

Stop going upstairs to wake her. Can you take baby out of the house for a while (and buy her an alarm clock on the way back)?

Is this new behaviour or does she have form for behaving like this? How old is dd and who is the primary care giver?

Sorry you had a shit day. Her behaviour was awful and unacceptable. Absolutely no reason for the silent treatment. You was up caring for the baby and that is how you are treated? Doesn't come across well at all. The way you describe her behaviour/attitude about your family is also concerning.

It is usually me who gets up with DD.
DP does the night feed most nights as DD will get up once for a bottle. So I get up and DP stays in bed for usually about 3 hours or so after I get up with the baby.

She needs to grow up and take responsibility. You need to sort this out or you won’t b together in 10 years time.

One night feed doesn't equal a three hour lie in each day.

How do you organise childcare during the working week?