Feel so disappointed with yesterday

[grasshopper20]

I feel really bad about yesterday. Didn't go at all how I imagined.
This is our first year with DD.

DP has been poorly for the last few days. I've had DD on my own while DP has been in bed for the last few days. All day, all night.

Yesterday DP woke up but said she needed to go back to bed for a couple of hours so I said that's fine, go to sleep and we'll open presents and get ready when she wakes up.
Anyway it gets to 10.20am so I go upstairs (not knowing how long to leave it), DP is in bed on her phone. So I said 'oh good, you're up, let's go downstairs, what do you want for breakfast?' Etc.

DP comes downstairs but is annoyed with me for not waking her up sooner saying 'there's things I wanted us to do this morning such as..' and listed things she wanted to do with the baby.
Basically she wanted a relaxing Xmas morning. Who doesn't?!
And was annoyed I'd not woken her at 9 Instead.

DP was really annoyed in the morning and kept going on about how we were going to be late (going out for a meal with family). That the morning wasn't relaxed.
We still hadn't opened presents (which we then left to the evening). Kept saying 'why didn't you just wake me?!'

We needed to leave the house by 11.50am (picking up family to go out).
It ended up being a big argument.

We went out but later wasn't speaking again as DP was saying things that annoyed her about my family. I.e. them expecting her to pick them up and drop them off etc (which is true).

I just feel so bad. I felt bad that I hadn't woken her up earlier.
I just wanted her to rest because she'd been poorly and I knew it was a busy day. I genuinely thought I was doing a good thing by letting her lie in but really I do understand she wanted a relaxing morning and it ended up being rushed.

I just feel sad we weren't speaking half the day and it was our first Christmas with a baby. It was just awful really.

There might be the tiniest bit of credibility if there wasn't a long history of this kind of behaviour. Or if having initially snapped at him, she had gotten over herself and behaved like a civilised (maybe even loving!) person for the rest of the day.

Genuine question - what are you getting from this relationship? Is she otherwise supportive? Does she make you happy?

@WingingItEveryDay7
I am the birth mother so I don't think she has PND.

Don't you talk to each other? We normally say, wake me at X time if there's something want to do or not miss.

She was on her phone so must have been awake, and could have got up. Or set an alarm earlier. Also your baby doesn’t know or care.

Gosh so you gave birth, went back to work as you are the main earner, you get up with the baby for three hours each morning before she rises?

wow I’m so sorry that you are landed with her!!

id ask for a break where you can reassess your situation

love does not mean tolerating this

If this behaviour is out of character I’d try and move on. However, it really doesn’t sound like it is, and I would be considering leaving the relationship. Does she do much of the parenting or is that all up to you? Reading between the lines it sounds like you do most of it

She was on her phone so clearly knew what time it was, she knew the time you needed to leave in the morning and she chose to lie in. She then chose to blame you and be shirty all day. And you seem to be accepting responsibility for her and her decision making.

What positives does she bring to your life.

Sounds like pretty narcissistic behaviour to me!

The fact she was up on her phone when you walked in makes her argument completely invalid!!Not only that if it meant so much she should have set an alarm!!!

If you were driving anyway then it's not cheeky to want a lift! It's Xmas day ffs people want to relax and have a drink!

Do not allow yourself any guilt for this! You are not in the wrong at all! It's also takes quite a character to sit and slate someone's family, anyone can have an opinion on family however there is a way to present yourself whilst doing so!!

Hope you're feeling better xx

Is she actually happy doing more of the childcare and you back to work? It doesn’t sound like she’s parenting particularly enthusiastically. You sound like you’ve done so much - pregnancy, night feeds, working more, while she has lunched out for days because of a cold? Sorry, but it’s not exactly deaths door is it?

Does she work?

Why are you the main earner but don't have any access to the car?

Are you supporting her with your wages? If so, why don't you share the car?

Fair enough, your OP didn't mention it. In that case I'm with the other PP! She needs to sort her shit out and take responsibility, she's acting like a child!

Are you putting her straight, when she tries to make things your fault?

Have you tried telling her to snap out of it? That this is a first Christmas for your DD, dampened by the fact that she is creating drama where there doesn’t need to be and that her overt rudeness is not only unacceptable, but makes her look bad in front of family, which will be hard to recover from?

If she starts arguing specifics, could you counter them?

“You didn’t wake me up”
”I thought you needed the sleep as you were ill. You were awake and on your phone when I checked on you, why didn’t you get up? We still had 1.5 hrs to leave the house. Plenty of time to avoid rushing. Take responsibility for yourself. If getting up at 9 was important, you could have set an alarm. Why do you think it was my job to wake you and get you up?”

“Your family are expecting a lift”
”You knew this situation and arrangement before the day. If you weren’t happy with it, then was the time to say. You were extremely rude in the car to them. That’s not okay.”

I had a feeling you're the birth mother.

Have you told dp how you feel? Or does she shut down and not want to discuss it? You could do with couples counselling if you want to save this relationship. It's no atmosphere to bring a baby up in.

Nice bit of gaslighting by your dp.
How is it your fault?!

She is what she is and we can all see exactly what she is as can you.

You are going to have to live with it for your daughter's sake or leave and let her get on with it. Doesn't sound like a recipe for a great future between you though.

I feel sorry for your family having to put up with your partners shitty attitude, you shouldn't have to put up with it either, she sounds hard work, don't let her alienate you from your family because that is what it seems she is trying to do.

I had a feeling this was 2 women from the outset, she isn't even the mother to the baby and is acting like a twat, what exactly does she bring to the party apart from a lot of stress and moodiness? I'd get shut of her, if you aren't married it'll be easy to walk away with your baby. She sounds awful.

I think the OP's partner is behaving badly, but THAT comment 'she isn't even the baby's mother!' is a bit off.

She sounds like a teenager. If anyone’s entitled to be annoyed, it’s you.

But it doesn't sound like the partner does much for the baby does it? Her name on a piece of paper (i assume) doesn't make this woman a mother either by her actions or biology. If she was participating more well maybe but she doesn't sound interested in this baby.

I had a shit day too. Worked all day, Ambulance service. Didn't see my two boys, but the patients I saw were suffering so much more and I'm thinking of them today before I start my night shift tonight. Cherish good health if you have it and hug your loved ones.

PS sorry OP I realise that wasn't helpful to you. I'm sorry you have a shift partner. You deserve better.

She was in bed on her phone?! It's her responsibility to get up rather then stare at her phone.

I couldn't be bothered with this. You know why she's doing it - call her out on sulking about seeing your family and tell her if she wakes up stropping next time you're going you'll get a cab and tell them all why.