Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel so disappointed with yesterday

223 replies

grasshopper20 · 26/12/2022 09:41

I feel really bad about yesterday. Didn't go at all how I imagined.
This is our first year with DD.

DP has been poorly for the last few days. I've had DD on my own while DP has been in bed for the last few days. All day, all night.

Yesterday DP woke up but said she needed to go back to bed for a couple of hours so I said that's fine, go to sleep and we'll open presents and get ready when she wakes up.
Anyway it gets to 10.20am so I go upstairs (not knowing how long to leave it), DP is in bed on her phone. So I said 'oh good, you're up, let's go downstairs, what do you want for breakfast?' Etc.

DP comes downstairs but is annoyed with me for not waking her up sooner saying 'there's things I wanted us to do this morning such as..' and listed things she wanted to do with the baby.
Basically she wanted a relaxing Xmas morning. Who doesn't?!
And was annoyed I'd not woken her at 9 Instead.

DP was really annoyed in the morning and kept going on about how we were going to be late (going out for a meal with family). That the morning wasn't relaxed.
We still hadn't opened presents (which we then left to the evening). Kept saying 'why didn't you just wake me?!'

We needed to leave the house by 11.50am (picking up family to go out).
It ended up being a big argument.

We went out but later wasn't speaking again as DP was saying things that annoyed her about my family. I.e. them expecting her to pick them up and drop them off etc (which is true).

I just feel so bad. I felt bad that I hadn't woken her up earlier.
I just wanted her to rest because she'd been poorly and I knew it was a busy day. I genuinely thought I was doing a good thing by letting her lie in but really I do understand she wanted a relaxing morning and it ended up being rushed.

I just feel sad we weren't speaking half the day and it was our first Christmas with a baby. It was just awful really.

OP posts:
FlissyPaps · 26/12/2022 21:30

Get rid of her OP.

Sounds like you and your DD will be way better off and happier without her selfish behaviour in your lives.

Original poster
grasshopper20 · 26/12/2022 21:32

@Jaa85
I am the birth mother. So DP doesn't have PND.

OP posts:
Original poster
grasshopper20 · 26/12/2022 21:34

@Cantdecide478
That takes courage to admit. Thank you. And I do think being more direct is important. Sometimes I can be quite passive which doesn't help in the long term.

OP posts:
billyduck · 26/12/2022 21:35

She sounds a bit personality disordered

ItsACrater · 26/12/2022 21:35

is she jealous you are the birth mother? Why is she so off about your family? Why are you so passive to all this? Why is she controlling?

Cactusprick · 26/12/2022 21:35

FrippEnos · 26/12/2022 21:26

As the OP has repeatedly called the DP "her" and the OP is the birth mother, we can pretty much rule out any males in this.

Show quote history

I didn’t say that there were any males involved. Read the thread please.

OP said that they are the birth mother therefore their partner cannot have PND. My point was that just because you didn’t birth the child does not mean you cannot have PND.

Original poster
grasshopper20 · 26/12/2022 21:36

@OhChristmasTreeOhChristmasTreeFaLaLa
She is the baby's mother. We're married. We are both parents to the baby regardless of who gave birth.

OP posts:
Azandme · 26/12/2022 21:37

Jaa85 · 26/12/2022 21:12

Sounds to me like DP is suffering from prenatal depression (assuming she’s the parent who just gave birth) she may not have had the emotional strength to make herself get up and may have been relying on your expectation/requirement of her getting up to be the force that pushed her to do what was needed. OP is not at fault, and yes you are right to have thought you were doing the right thing since she obviously needs the rest. But DP may be taking out her guilt of feeling incapable on you, making it your fault she didn’t get up, instead of acknowledging that she couldn’t do it by herself as she may be feeling she isn’t good enough. If you say she was lay in bed on her phone, then she knew what time it was and just couldn’t bring herself to get out of bed without an outside influence. It may be time to gently discuss how she is feeling and do some reading up on postnatal depression. Good luck to you both and congratulations on your new addition

Didn't read the thread? The op is the birth mother, and main wage earner, who went back to work early because of it.

The partner is an unpleasant, selfish, gaslighting, abusive, manipulator who needs to grow the hell up.

If she were my partner she'd be gone.

ItsACrater · 26/12/2022 21:37

Btw I do not like the sound of your DP. She’s lazy, entitled, treating you like crap.

Cactusprick · 26/12/2022 21:37

grasshopper20 · 26/12/2022 21:32

@Jaa85
I am the birth mother. So DP doesn't have PND.

But Dads can have PND. Therefore you dont have to have birthed a child to have it. Your partner therefore (and yes, I know she is female) could have PND.

ItsACrater · 26/12/2022 21:38

grasshopper20 · 26/12/2022 21:36

@OhChristmasTreeOhChristmasTreeFaLaLa
She is the baby's mother. We're married. We are both parents to the baby regardless of who gave birth.

Not really though. She’ll never feel the love for your baby the way you do. Sorry, not sorry. It’s true. Be careful.

Quincythequince · 26/12/2022 21:41

grasshopper20 · 26/12/2022 09:41

I feel really bad about yesterday. Didn't go at all how I imagined.
This is our first year with DD.

DP has been poorly for the last few days. I've had DD on my own while DP has been in bed for the last few days. All day, all night.

Yesterday DP woke up but said she needed to go back to bed for a couple of hours so I said that's fine, go to sleep and we'll open presents and get ready when she wakes up.
Anyway it gets to 10.20am so I go upstairs (not knowing how long to leave it), DP is in bed on her phone. So I said 'oh good, you're up, let's go downstairs, what do you want for breakfast?' Etc.

DP comes downstairs but is annoyed with me for not waking her up sooner saying 'there's things I wanted us to do this morning such as..' and listed things she wanted to do with the baby.
Basically she wanted a relaxing Xmas morning. Who doesn't?!
And was annoyed I'd not woken her at 9 Instead.

DP was really annoyed in the morning and kept going on about how we were going to be late (going out for a meal with family). That the morning wasn't relaxed.
We still hadn't opened presents (which we then left to the evening). Kept saying 'why didn't you just wake me?!'

We needed to leave the house by 11.50am (picking up family to go out).
It ended up being a big argument.

We went out but later wasn't speaking again as DP was saying things that annoyed her about my family. I.e. them expecting her to pick them up and drop them off etc (which is true).

I just feel so bad. I felt bad that I hadn't woken her up earlier.
I just wanted her to rest because she'd been poorly and I knew it was a busy day. I genuinely thought I was doing a good thing by letting her lie in but really I do understand she wanted a relaxing morning and it ended up being rushed.

I just feel sad we weren't speaking half the day and it was our first Christmas with a baby. It was just awful really.

She sounds like her work. Why didn’t she set her alarm?

Azandme · 26/12/2022 21:41

What absolute, unprovable, offensive tosh.

So all birth mothers love their babies more than the baby's other parent? More than adoptive parents? Where is your evidence for this bullshit? There are PLENTY of proven cases where birth mothers don't love their children at all. Hell, there are plenty of cases where mothers abuse and/or kill their children.

Quincythequince · 26/12/2022 21:41

hard work

Quincythequince · 26/12/2022 21:43

Cactusprick · 26/12/2022 21:37

But Dads can have PND. Therefore you dont have to have birthed a child to have it. Your partner therefore (and yes, I know she is female) could have PND.

Show quote history

Dad’s do not get PND as women do.
They might feels the blues a bit; big life change can trigger that. But it is not PND.

peachgreen · 26/12/2022 21:48

Non-birthing parents do not get PND. PND is hormonal. They might get depression triggered by the birth of their child and this can be very serious. But it is not the same as PND. Cause and treatment are both different.

Cactusprick · 26/12/2022 21:57

Quincythequince · 26/12/2022 21:43

Dad’s do not get PND as women do.
They might feels the blues a bit; big life change can trigger that. But it is not PND.

Show quote history

🤷🏻‍♀️

Cactusprick · 26/12/2022 21:59

Cactusprick · 26/12/2022 21:57

🤷🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

Depression is depression. It’s not sexist. Postnatal just means it’s happens after birth, whether you personally have birth or not. I’m not the person who coined the term lol, I’m just saying.

Cactusprick · 26/12/2022 22:01

peachgreen · 26/12/2022 21:48

Non-birthing parents do not get PND. PND is hormonal. They might get depression triggered by the birth of their child and this can be very serious. But it is not the same as PND. Cause and treatment are both different.

www.nct.org.uk/life-parent/emotions/postnatal-depression-dads-and-co-parents-10-things-you-should-know

I mean… If you want to disagree with the NCT website, go ahead. I choose to believe this, but you don’t have to, of course. You may know better!

IToldYouAmillionTimesAlready · 26/12/2022 22:04

The partner is an unpleasant, selfish, gaslighting, abusive, manipulator who needs to grow the hell up.

that

One of my sons is with a woman like this (not married and they've only been living together 5 months). She's a lazy cow, behaves like a petulant teenager, but doesn't yet know that my son is making plans to leave her (thankfully, no children)

CockSpadget · 26/12/2022 22:04

Sorry you had a shitty day OP. It’s clear that your DP doesn’t like your family and that’s the reason she was such a horrible twat, very selfish of her to not manage to put her feelings aside for the day, for the sake of you and your baby. She also was absolutely in the wrong to lie in bed, awake on her phone, then have the audacity to have a go at you for the rushed morning. Maybe it’s time for you to weigh up the pros and cons of the relationship. Do the good times outweigh the bad?

ItsACrater · 26/12/2022 22:05

Azandme · 26/12/2022 21:41

What absolute, unprovable, offensive tosh.

So all birth mothers love their babies more than the baby's other parent? More than adoptive parents? Where is your evidence for this bullshit? There are PLENTY of proven cases where birth mothers don't love their children at all. Hell, there are plenty of cases where mothers abuse and/or kill their children.

it’s pretty obvious as the birth mother she loves her child more and needs to get away from her DP.

peachgreen · 26/12/2022 22:07

Tbh I don’t really care what anyone says – I’ve had both situational depression and PND, and they’re not the same. But the perinatal mental health team who treated me said that the debate is being had within the medical community and at some point the definition is likely to be split between depression caused by the change of circumstances that comes with the birth of a child and mental health problems caused by the hormonal changes that happen during pregnancy and birth.

In my opinion, it does nobody any favours to say they’re the same thing. They can’t and shouldn’t be treated in the same way. And for the record, while PND was more acutely distressing and dangerous for me, it was also far more treatable and I would rather have it than situational depression.

Dwrcegin · 26/12/2022 22:09

ItsACrater · 26/12/2022 21:38

Not really though. She’ll never feel the love for your baby the way you do. Sorry, not sorry. It’s true. Be careful.

Show quote history

As an adopter, I can say wholeheartedly, you are wrong on this.

excelledyourself · 26/12/2022 22:12

To go out? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4703644-to-go-out

Is this your thread too, OP? Where the sex of the DP is purposely withheld?

If it, you need to leave this person.