To think that bloody family should trump step family in this situation?

[coverp]

DSis is engaged - getting married in a year. She dropped over lunch that they were eloping because BIL's family are too complicated.

Our family is parents, DSis, me (plus my DH and 2 kids).
BIL lost his mum about 5 year's ago. He has a brother, a step dad and 4 step siblings (plus 2 partners, 7 children), father, step mother, half brother, half sister and 3 step siblings (plus 3 partners, 4 children) Step dad and father "can't" be in a room together.

Wedding is difficult for BIL because he would have liked him mum there, obviously.

DSis said they have decided it's fairest if they just elope with 5 friends each as witnesses. BIL will choose his brother as one of his friends but my sister won't take me as she doesn't want to upset our parents.

I am fully on board with the "their wedding, their choice" principle, but honestly I'm really hurt and upset that I won't get to see my only sister get married. They aren't planning a party or meal or anything either, just this weekend away with friends for the elopement.

I feel that immediate family is different in this case from the huge step family that comes with BIL. DSis kept saying they couldn't have us and not them, because they are "exactly the same relationship". We are close, see each other at least once a week, she is very involved with my kids who know about and understand the concept of a wedding. BIL is not close with his step siblings, who became so once he was already a late teen. AIBU to feel upset here?

Only you will know the type of relationship you have with your family.

Neither my sister or mother attended my wedding. My mother didn't attend my sister's wedding either, despite me being asked as a bridesmaid- our mother refused to allow it-I was disappointed.

Summed up the thread early doors - also the poster who said it’s just a destination wedding and you aren’t invited. I’d have a frank conversation about the decision and how hurtful it is esp for your parents.

This is a good idea actually, to properly frame what they're doing and so that she has to at least own her actions.

Awful ‘advice’
OP, this is about what your sister and her fiancé want, not about anybody else. As sad as it may be for you and your parents, you should support her in the decision she’s made. I doubt she made it lightly, and that she’s thought long and hard. But it’s their choice.
Why don’t you suggest that they have a big hen / stag do because they can then invite whomever they choose without offending anyone else. They could even have them in the same place and coincidentally end up in the same restaurant at the same time, where they have a kind of joint party???

Have I inferred correctly that the brother is single? You don't mention a wife/partner/kids. Whereas you have a DH and children that your sister is close to and who understand the concept of a wedding.

I suspect that your sister felt she couldn't invite you, because then your parents AND your children (and maybe your DH) would be upset if they weren't also invited. Possibly you'd try to insist that your children were also invited? As they're so close etc. And obviously your DH would have to come, because Family. And your parents, because she couldn't have you, your kids, your DH and NOT your parents. And then her fiance's whole family would kick off, demanding invitations as her whole family was invited etc etc.

If her fiance's brother is single, that's probably why he's been invited and you haven't.

Basically your sister is being punished for your BIL's family situation.

But she's happy to go along with it so there's nothing you can do really. Just accept it and move on.

I agree with this. Your sister has to consider the needs of her fiancé, it must be so hard for him to not have his mum there and then have the agro of his dad and step dad. I know more than one person views their step parent as their 'real' parent, equal to or even above their corresponding biological parent. It's different for everyone.

Also, the fact her fiancé has chosen his brother as one of his five friends is irrelevant imo, perhaps your sister had reasons for choosing her friends over you (that sounds unkind, but I don't mean it to be and can't think of another way to phrase it).

I agree with pp saying be utterly uninvolved in her wedding.

Don’t ask any questions and don’t express any interest.

Don’t look at photos and don’t give a gift or card.

How miserable.

I know more than one person views their step parent as their 'real' parent

I don’t buy that the groom sees his step-dad, who married his mum when he was a teen, as his real father.

And the fact that groom sees his step-siblings less than once a year further shows they were not a blended family.

What a great way to show the sister she was absolutely right not to invite someone so spiteful to her wedding and make everyone, including yourself, miserable in the process. Top notch sistering.

I understand your hurt but I don't think it's personal. I think your sister just feels stressed about the other family and this is why she had to resort to. She may very well regret not having her family with her on her special day. Is there something you and the family can do for her to mark the occasion such as a bridal shower where you could all dress up take pictures with her? It won't be the same as the wedding but you have some involvement in the wedding party just not the main event.

Honestly I wouldn't say anything. I'd wait, she will realise at her wedding how it feels not to have family there. She won't like it.

As a person who just got married in exactly this way I can understand where she is coming from. That said we are having an additional family lunch and a party next year-but our wedding was just us.

Could you maybe talk to her and say you are happy about her getting married how she wants but would it be be good to have some sort of family celebration-even if it's just going out for posh lunch where you call get dressed up a bit-so that you all feel a bit included? This helped with my parents and siblings and I'm actually really looking forward to the other bits of our wedding celebrations-though I love our tiny actual wedding day.

But if they ask your family and not his it would cause huge tension, rows and stress. The way they are doing it is to minimise all stress. I get it - we did a semi secret wedding partly due to reasons like this. Do a wedding dinner or something afterwards for your family to celebrate with them.

This

I’ve never got the whole wedding is just the bide and groom, it’s their day etc etc. you can’t ignore the fact you are marrying into another family.

I've never understood attitudes like this. I really love my DH's family but I didn't marry them, I married him. They didn't propose, they didn't make any vows, they didn't sign the marriage certificate. We're a partnership and any decisions for the rest of our lives will be for us to make together.

Agreed. You marry a person, not a family.

I’d be upset about this. It’s their choice but also their consequence if your relationship cooled off as a result.

If it is about not having your mum there as her partner would be upset, I am struggling to understand this. I totally get the jealousy but not the actual exclusion. I used to get jealous that my dh still has a father when mine died when I was a child. But as I mature, I am also happy for him that he didn’t experience what I went through.

….. or she’ll be perfectly fine with it. We don’t all feel the same way about things. Once you understand that it makes a lot of relationships healthier because you’re not transposing your emotions and values onto someone else’s actions 🤷‍♀️

I'm with your sis, tbh.. seems like the easiest way for THEM, & it's their day.
Hopefully they can have a knees up after with extended family & friends?
xxxxx

I would point out every time the wedding is referred to as an elopement that is actually a destination wedding for her friends, I'd be supportive but I wouldn't let her get away with framing it as an elopement.

If she’s prioritising him above herself it won’t end well. It’s sad when parents don’t live to see their children wed but I’ve never known anyone to not want their future spouse’s family to come because they don’t have the same chance.

No she isn’t. She’s made the decision to have her bloke’s back. Good for her.