To think that bloody family should trump step family in this situation?

[coverp]

DSis is engaged - getting married in a year. She dropped over lunch that they were eloping because BIL's family are too complicated.

Our family is parents, DSis, me (plus my DH and 2 kids).
BIL lost his mum about 5 year's ago. He has a brother, a step dad and 4 step siblings (plus 2 partners, 7 children), father, step mother, half brother, half sister and 3 step siblings (plus 3 partners, 4 children) Step dad and father "can't" be in a room together.

Wedding is difficult for BIL because he would have liked him mum there, obviously.

DSis said they have decided it's fairest if they just elope with 5 friends each as witnesses. BIL will choose his brother as one of his friends but my sister won't take me as she doesn't want to upset our parents.

I am fully on board with the "their wedding, their choice" principle, but honestly I'm really hurt and upset that I won't get to see my only sister get married. They aren't planning a party or meal or anything either, just this weekend away with friends for the elopement.

I feel that immediate family is different in this case from the huge step family that comes with BIL. DSis kept saying they couldn't have us and not them, because they are "exactly the same relationship". We are close, see each other at least once a week, she is very involved with my kids who know about and understand the concept of a wedding. BIL is not close with his step siblings, who became so once he was already a late teen. AIBU to feel upset here?

This ^ but MN posters seem to come from very complicated families. (Or perhaps those who post BECAUSE they come from complicated families)

I too would be absolutely devastated by this. Both for DH and I and our DDs..

This sounds very much like BIL is calling all the shots here. All a bit controlling?

Smacks of 'I can't have my mother their or a 'normal' family set up... so why should my bride enjoy that. ? Instead of ' this is meant to be the happiest day of our lives and I WANT my bride to share it with those most important to her even if I can't because to truly love someone you want nothing more than to make them happy... instead he seems to be saying . 'I am having to go without so I want her to feel the same loss' ...

Because of the dynamics between those people, re read the OP.

As someone who married after her mum died, please don't underestimate how unbelievably difficult that will be for your BIL.Your sister is, quite rightly, prioritising her husband above everyone else. If you try and stop that, you will be the loser ultimately I suspect

Yeah, I understand that but I just think the whole thing is off and doesn't bode well.

I agree with this.

Not the actions of a loving daughter or sister, but someone who is suiting herself and her future husband and his family dynamic first.

This is not elopement, she has just cut her family out, but if that is her choice, fine.

However, I would not indulge her with using the word elopement, I would tell her she has decided to cut her family out and that she needs to accept the consequences of her actions, which is a deep hurt.

Do not allow her to think this action does not have consequences.

She sounds quite unfeeling.
I doubt this will be the last time something like this happens.

Not the actions of a loving daughter or sister, but someone who is suiting herself and her future husband and his family dynamic first.

Weddings would be brilliant if the bride and groom did it 100% to suit themselves and not try and please families.

Why shouldn't they have a wedding that suits themselves?

Yet another saying it's not an elopement. Maybe choosing that word makes it easier to justify the choices they have made. I would uld be upset that your BILs family is the complicated one yet his brother is attending while your family is being excluded. Are you sure your sister is being honest? Cannot understand why she would choose Christmas Day to tell you all knowing you would be upset.

I would tell her clearly you are hurt and explain the difference between your relationship with her and the relationship bil has with his step family. I would remind her this will affect your relationship going forward, because let’s be honest - it will. I would then start to trail off a bit and stop seeing her as frequently, stop calling etc. it’s her choice and you can say that, but you can’t stop being hurt as this decision is not a nice one and betrays the bond you have for people who mean very little to bil.

He is bringing his full brother and not step or half siblings. So he clearly sees that relationship as more close and important that the others.

She says that her relationship with you is exactly the same as his relationship with his half and step siblings, rather than the same as his relationship with his full brother who is going to the wedding.

I think she has been clear about how she feels about you. Your relationship is not as close as you thought it was.

So what you and everyone else on this thread who thinks YANBU are saying is:

"I do not care that having everyone there is likely to cause you stress on the day and in the lead up - me being there and my feelings are more important than you feeling relaxed and happy and being able to look forward to the day you get married. I would rather you had a stressful wedding day with me there than a peaceful one without me there"

And this is someone you claim to care about? How do you not see how bonkers and selfish this attitude is?

You sound typical of a close, neat little family that has zero idea what being part of a bigger and messier one is like. You need to take a step back and let them marry in whatever way they want to. MIL is like this, DH’s family is small and functional therefore she assumes they should trump my bigger and messier one.

Good point. Try saying it that way OP, see how it feels.

Exactly this.

Give her a hug and wish her well. She's marrying into something of a shit show. Don't add to it.

So what you and everyone else on this thread who thinks YANBU are saying is:
"I do not care that having everyone there is likely to cause you stress on the day and in the lead up - me being there and my feelings are more important than you feeling relaxed and happy and being able to look forward to the day you get married. I would rather you had a stressful wedding day with me there than a peaceful one without me there"

Insofar as there is "consensus" among the YANBU answers this isn't it. The YANBU contingent is mostly saying "it is ok for her to have the wedding she wants, and OP INBU to be upset about it, but that it is ultimately a decision everyone has to live with" and some added "and it is ok to tell OPs sister that she's not happy about this arrangement"

(I'm also with PP who say the sister is a bit of a selfish fucker to make this announcement at Christmas. And i also agree wit pp who said that dear sis is telling OP that although she - OP - thinks they're close, the reality is similar to that of future-BIL and his step-siblings)

But he is taking his brother? Surely his half siblings and stab siblings and dad and step dad will care more about his own brother being invited whilst they are not, than they will care about the bride's sister being invited.

He has cherry picked one family member and is not inviting the others. But the bride cant pick any member of her can of her family because his family would be hurt?

It doesnt make sense. If his family would be

@WeepingSomnambulist the OP has said that the bride has chosen not to take the OP because the bride didn't want to upset her parents- not because his family would be hurt. That is her choice but you can't blame him for it.

Posted too soon.

If his family would be hurt that the bride's sister or even parents went than they'll also be hurt that the groom's full brother is going whilst they're not.

The excuse doesn't make sense. The bride just doesnt want her family there. Only wants her friends. And since the OP thought they had a good relationship then she is right to be hurt here.

I feel sorry for your DSis.

If you are close she will have a shit day on her wedding and will likely regret her decision and miss her DP and you.

She has the option to choose 5 guests - so who has SHE chosen over you and your DPs?

Is BIL dictating this? What’s he like?

Does he want to avoid inviting his own bio Dad - so insistent that your DSis parents are but their either?

I would ask some careful questions before making it clear ONCE that this is a huge disappointment BUT would move on quickly and not hold grudges.

Sounds like she had already told your DP by their reaction?

I am fully on board with the "their wedding, their choice" principle

Clearly you're not. I never understand why people care so much about how other people get married. As someone who eloped, it's infuriating. NOBODY. OWES. YOU. A. PARTY.

@Penguinsaregreat I have 2 full brothers, 2 half brothers, a half sister, 2 stepbrothers & a stepsister (the half/step is just semantics as in reality I never refer to them as such) out of them all I'm closest to my half sister & if it came to something like my wedding & for whatever reason my parents (step or blood) didn't care enough about me that they could behave like grown ups for a day then I'd most likely take her with me as one of my 5.

People from small families don't really get big family dynamics... I remember my ex-h asking why I had double the spaces on the guest list he had - because to invite immediate family (parents, grandparents, siblings & nieces/nephews) I needed 38 spaces & he needed 5.

OP the issue here seems to be that his dad & stepdad cannot behave like grown ups & be civil for the sake of their sons wedding day - in which case it's them I'd not be inviting.

It may also be the expense - I know that for my wedding due to my lot the guest list had to be bigger than I'd have originally liked (my mum is also one of 7 & dad one of 4 so lots of aunts/uncles/cousins too thankfully my stepparents came from small families) which in itself cost thousands in food costs & if they're paying for the wedding themselves then such a big wedding may be out of their budget.

I wonder if the bride in this case has also factored in that if she invited the OP there'd be the whole pageboy/bridesmaid angst.
I rather imagine she has.

Why are people going on about the BIL dictating things?
On the basis that that's clearly what the OP would like us to think.
We have no idea.
All we know is two people are getting married and each inviting the 5 people they most want to. One happens to be the groom's brother. One happens not to be the bride's sister.

If you really care about your sister, support her in her choices. Her wedding is not about you