To think that bloody family should trump step family in this situation?

[coverp]

DSis is engaged - getting married in a year. She dropped over lunch that they were eloping because BIL's family are too complicated.

Our family is parents, DSis, me (plus my DH and 2 kids).
BIL lost his mum about 5 year's ago. He has a brother, a step dad and 4 step siblings (plus 2 partners, 7 children), father, step mother, half brother, half sister and 3 step siblings (plus 3 partners, 4 children) Step dad and father "can't" be in a room together.

Wedding is difficult for BIL because he would have liked him mum there, obviously.

DSis said they have decided it's fairest if they just elope with 5 friends each as witnesses. BIL will choose his brother as one of his friends but my sister won't take me as she doesn't want to upset our parents.

I am fully on board with the "their wedding, their choice" principle, but honestly I'm really hurt and upset that I won't get to see my only sister get married. They aren't planning a party or meal or anything either, just this weekend away with friends for the elopement.

I feel that immediate family is different in this case from the huge step family that comes with BIL. DSis kept saying they couldn't have us and not them, because they are "exactly the same relationship". We are close, see each other at least once a week, she is very involved with my kids who know about and understand the concept of a wedding. BIL is not close with his step siblings, who became so once he was already a late teen. AIBU to feel upset here?

YANBU to be upset, but it is their choice. Their wedding isn't about you, or your parents, it's about them.

Could you suggest to your sister that they do some kind of family celebration on another day so you and your parents don't miss out altogether?

It's understandable to be disappointed, but creating a family rift over this won't make things better.

I think if you elope, you elope, you don't take a bus of people with you to do it.

YANBU to be upset. YABU to consider your own family more important than your future BIL's. Step or not.
In any case, as they are both inviting 5 friends each, it sounds pretty much like, for whatever reason, they don't want either family there. Or you could have been invited as part of her 5.

YANBU to be upset. You and your parents are probably feeling ‘punished’ because her dp’s family can’t put others first for one day and thus be in the same room together. I don’t think it is wrong to point this out gently, without being rude.

Why can't dad and step dad be in a room together and is there no chance of them doing it for one day?!

Either your sister actually wants a small/ abroad wedding or the situation between dad and step dad is that bad that they genuinely can't risk it.

I agree with pp, this is not an elopement, this is a destination wedding with limited numbers to which you are not invited. I'd tell her how hurt you are or this will fester.

I can understand her not wanting me without my parents and to be honest, I'd struggle to go without them as they'd be upset. They were very stoic about it and much more grown up than I felt (although didn't say anything or react negatively yesterday as didn't want to spoil Christmas). It just feels shit. She specifically said she does want us there, but doesn't want BIL to have to deal with father/step father dynamics (there has been physical violence between the 2 sides in the past) when he's also feeling down that his mum's not there.

I don't get why your future brother-in-law is inviting his brother but your sister won't invite you.

As someone who has had unbelievably complicated family relationships. It isn't worth falling out with your sister over. It is ok to feel upset, but you need to keep this to yourself and support her just asuch through this as you would if you were there. I suspect deep down she is pretty upset about it too, as will her new husband, but sometimes we can't fill the holes in our lives caused by our family dynamics and it is better to do what is needed for 'you' rather than people please.

She will be well aware you are upset. You can tell her if you want to, but if you do make sure you back it up with supporting her every step of the way. If this is the family set up your new BIL will have, there will be times when they both need you.

Can you take them out for a slap up celebration/meal when they get back?

Good luck and I hope they have an amazing day. And that you can find a way of celebrating when they are back.

I understand why you’re hurt but you need to start thinking past the wedding. Do you want strained relations with your dsis for the foreseeable or would you rather have good ones?

By all means let her know how disappointed you are but respect her decisions and trust that she’s thought through all available options and scenarios. Being hostile and/or demanding now isn’t going make her back down and even if she did it would be under duress and likely not without lasting repercussions for your relationship. She’s clearly already under pressure, adding to it isn’t going to be appreciated.

It’s one ceremony vs a lifelong relationship. It’s possible to communicate your disappointment and support her.

I can't pretend to understand his family dynamics, but if his mother is no longer alive and there are issues between his dad and his (former) step dad, would his step dad actually need to be part of the day anyway? Couldn't he just invite his dad, stepmum, brother and any step siblings on his dad's side?

They are not eloping.

It's a small wedding with one family member.

Yes I can see how that would feel a bit hurtful. Not sure there is much you can say about it though.

YANBU. Firstly, your future BIL's dad and stepdad should grow the fuck up and put their differences aside for one bloody day. If they don't, they miss out. Secondly, no way should your sister not invite her family because they can't act like adults. If she wants you there she should put her foot down and invite you (and your parents). BIL can invite his family or not.

I'd gently be checking how she really feels about this - is it the wedding she wants or is BIL pressurising her into it?

They're doing it to avoid all the drama and trying to please everyone, which is obviously not possible. You’re contributing considerably to that drama. TBF, I’d do the same in the circumstances you’ve described.

Yeah, biological parents and siblings only would solve the issue, especially as his step family didn't come along until much later in his life.

I am fully on board with the "their wedding, their choice" principle, but honestly I'm really hurt and upset that I won't get to see my only sister get married.

You're clearly not fully on board with it being 'their wedding, their choice'.

I have a really complicated family and it put a massive downer on my wedding so completely understand why they've chosen to do this.

It's their day so they should be able to enjoy it how they want without feeling bag about others.

As someone who opted not to have a wedding with guests (other than two close friends) despite very much loving and on well with my family on both sides, I disagree with the majority here.

Why should you be upset? A wedding is for the couple getting married and they get to celebrate exactly how they want to. If you want a special day of family getting together, organise one yourself.

I was your BIL in this situation, I felt I couldn't invite anyone because it was just too stressful for me.

In the end the couple have to do what will make it doable for them, and create a happy memory. If your BIL is inviting his brother, there is no reason for your sister not to invite you other than she doesn't want you there.

Given your reaction, I would guess you are the kind of person who makes things all about herself, which may explain why she feels this way. If you can't be trusted to go, enjoy the wedding and bring nothing but good wishes (no going on about your parents) I can understand why she wouldn't want you there.

Yes, do this if you’re 4 years old.

It’s fine to be upset, but it’s not fine to try to make her do what you want for her wedding. They have obviously thought long and hard about this and decided it was the best way for them. You wish them well and tell them you look forward to hearing all about it when they get back.

It's OK to be upset, but you also have to accept that they can do whatever the fuck they like.

My sister is also eloping this year due to BIL's complicated family! I'm happy for her that she's doing what she wants to do. Would I have liked to have been there? Yes. But it's really none of my business. I want them to do what's best for them.

I see. Then it's her choice really. She wants you there but for whatever reason she decided she can't. She's an adult so you're just going to have to respect her wishes and she'll have a wedding day without her family even though she wants you there. Her choice. Support her don't have a go at her.

If he can invite his brother, she could invite her only sister. Who are the favoured five on each side? Are there five of your sister's friends who are closer to her than you? I would be upset, it seems like a deliberate slight. Could you discuss exactly why the chosen few were invited ahead of you? Is there some other reasoning going on, I would need to understand this.

We eloped, so I’ve heard it all. We lost friends over it and some family members haven’t spoken to us since. Other family members bring it up every time we see them how unfair we were.

it’s not about anyone else though. It’s about what the couple want, it’s their wedding.

sorry to put it bluntly, but if she wanted you there she would invite you. YANBU to be hurt by that, but it doesn’t mean you’re not close. They’re just doing what they want for their day. I didn’t even invite a single friend or family member, though DH had two of his as our witnesses. It became too hard if I invited any of my siblings, his would feel left out, any friends and then others would be shitty etc etc.

it all became very complicated and we just did what WE wanted. Don’t give her grief about it.

The fact they’ve invited his brother and not you sends a very clear message that it is specifically you she doesn’t want there.
I wouldn’t make something of it, but your relationship clearly isn’t as close as you thought it was.