To think that bloody family should trump step family in this situation?

[coverp]

DSis is engaged - getting married in a year. She dropped over lunch that they were eloping because BIL's family are too complicated.

Our family is parents, DSis, me (plus my DH and 2 kids).
BIL lost his mum about 5 year's ago. He has a brother, a step dad and 4 step siblings (plus 2 partners, 7 children), father, step mother, half brother, half sister and 3 step siblings (plus 3 partners, 4 children) Step dad and father "can't" be in a room together.

Wedding is difficult for BIL because he would have liked him mum there, obviously.

DSis said they have decided it's fairest if they just elope with 5 friends each as witnesses. BIL will choose his brother as one of his friends but my sister won't take me as she doesn't want to upset our parents.

I am fully on board with the "their wedding, their choice" principle, but honestly I'm really hurt and upset that I won't get to see my only sister get married. They aren't planning a party or meal or anything either, just this weekend away with friends for the elopement.

I feel that immediate family is different in this case from the huge step family that comes with BIL. DSis kept saying they couldn't have us and not them, because they are "exactly the same relationship". We are close, see each other at least once a week, she is very involved with my kids who know about and understand the concept of a wedding. BIL is not close with his step siblings, who became so once he was already a late teen. AIBU to feel upset here?

My bro did something like this - his now wife’s father had just died when they got married and they decided it was all too difficult and got married by themselves with strangers as witnesses. My mum was supportive (they told us in advance) but in private was devastated and told me this is something she will regret on her deathbed. I appreciate your wedding your choice but assuming your family is nice I think excluding them is selfish and unkind. Incidentally my bro has made a number of other selfish and upsetting decisions so this wasn’t a one off. I feel for you OP 💐

Yeah, they don't seem to understand what 'eloping' actually means.

I got married overseas and had a very small wedding because of family problems my side. My husband went along with it because e wanted to marry me and my needs for the wedding were the greater needs.

So I was sympathetic to your sister and her fiancé until you mentioned the five friends each, and that he including your brother in his! This isn’t eloping it is a wedding that you sister is not inviting you to. I don’t really know what you can do about it though, but I think every time she refers to it as elopement I would correct her to “wedding you are not inviting us too”.

*his brother

I do understand that the wedding is up to them to decide upon and is their choice to make.

Some family's are very accepting of this and don't bat an eyelid when it happens and move on quickly.

But to expect to tell your parents that you don't want them there, as your choice is a friends only thing, brings some risks.

I know a very nice woman whose son did this very thing and she and her family were deeply hurt at the time, but got on with it, as it was "their day".

However, the sudden expectation that as "family" she would do childcare 12 months later, 2 days a week was very firmly batted away.

She had recently retired and wasn't particularly keen to commit to such a huge favour.

She admitted she realised that the wedding wound wasn't completely healed and whilst she wouldn't dream of saying it to him, it made saying a firm No, considerably easier.

Actions have consequences and when you hurt people through YOUR actions, you can't complain when they adjust THEIR behaviour afterwards.

Eloping just the two of them is fine. "Eloping" with five friends each, one of them being his brother, is incredibly hurtful to your family. I'm amazed your sister can't see that. I'm so sorry OP.

@AllyCatTown there's nothing to suggest the sister is prioritising her fiancé above herself. There's no indication sister is unhappy with their plans.

YANBU

This is upsetting and it feels wrong especially as his brother has been included when the reasons for not inviting your family is given as problems with his family. So a very clear double standard which probably makes it feel even worse.

It’s sad as I wouldn’t be surprised if is does change your relationship with your DS, though I’m sure she cannot see that happening and it doesn’t sound like she’d want that. I wouldn’t forget this though I would try very hard to accept it.

It’s difficult to know whether to say something or not, as you don’t know how it feels to be in your sister’s fiancé’s shoes. It’s a no win situation really, now that it’s been decided and announced by them.

As others have said the reasoning around the wedding decision isn't completely convincing so it feels as though you're being treated differently from the bridegroom's family and missing out because you won't kick up. I would also worry that this might signal a future of compromises ahead for your sister, but the alternative reading is that you're not that close and she really secretly wants friends instead of family. You will probably be able to tell which of these is the right reading of the situation in your heart.

If it's the first, she'll need your back up later on. If it's the second, I think I'd find it hard not to become less close, because she is saying your feelings, and your company, mean less to her than her friends or her fiancé's brother, and as Mumsnet often says, when someone tells you who they are you should believe them. Telling you on Christmas Day is a way of avoiding conflict.

In your situation I think I'd back off; it's easy to share excitement about a wedding where numbers etc mean it's hard to ask everyone and you can't go, but I'd find it hard to get excited about a wedding I wasn't really wanted at.

Also, I don't really agree that a wedding is all about the couple. It's a union of 2 families, a merging of genetic lines, and an important rite of passage for the parents too, marking the child's final journey into adulthood, the establishment of a new family unit.

Traditionally,it would be hosted and paid for by the bride's parents. And there is something deeply meaningful and special about declaring your vows before your loved ones - depending on the vows, the congregation can be asked to declare out loud that they will support and uphold the couple in their marriage now and in the years to come, and there is that sense about the ceremony even if not stated explicitly.

It's a chance for the family to bless and celebrate and rejoice with the couple. It can be a time when family from overseas or far apart gather together. I think it's extremely self-absorbed and short-sighted to have a wedding that is just me me me.

In a similar way, a funeral is not all about the person who has died, but serves an emotional and spiritual purpose for friends and family.

It's a union of 2 families, a merging of genetic lines, and an important rite of passage for the parents too, marking the child's final journey into adulthood, the establishment of a new family unit

It can be that but it’s not mandatory. If people view marriage as solely between the couple then that’s perfectly valid and should be respected.

You’re entitled to that opinion all you like, but it doesn’t make any of it mandatory.

A couple who get married at a registry office with two strangers off the street are just as married.

It isn't always no. It's about getting a legal bit of paper signed in case one of you dies.

Oh of course they'll still be married if they elope, and as I suggested above , in this case the best thing might be to do that, to have two strangers as witnesses.

But I don't understand this perspective that a wedding is all about the couple, no one else, and everyone must accept this happily and not be hurt about it, not have any expectations, even if family relationships are good. It's the bridezilla phenomenon.

I know it can be tricky to balance everyone's expectations and even more so if there are difficult family relationships. But I did feel the weight of that duty when I was planning our wedding. I felt that it was my parent's and in laws day too - they weren't just guests at a party that could be invited or not.

It can go too far the other way too in that the parents feel too much "ownership" of it, at the expense of what the couple would prefer! But I feel there's a balance there to be struck, consideration is due.

I'm a bit conflicted. I can see why she may not want to invite her whole family and not his, but at the same time, I think she could have invited you and her parents, even if she asked that your DH and children didn't attend as it wasn't a big wedding.

I honestly wouldn’t be in the slightest bit bothered by this. The wedding’s for them, not you.

You sound like the kind of family member who expects other people’s weddings to revolve around them.

It's a union of 2 families, a merging of genetic lines, and an important rite of passage for the parents too, marking the child's final journey into adulthood, the establishment of a new family unit

I’m 47 years old and perimenopausal and I’ve lived with my partner for 20 years already. Not sure how a wedding between us would either ‘merge genetic lines’ or ‘mark my final journey into adulthood’. Just because your idea of a wedding hasn’t changed since the days of the Tudors, that doesn’t mean everyone else has to feel the same.

10 Hail Mary’s or anyone who doesn’t agree with the opinion that a wedding involves the extended family of bride and groom, I would find it interesting to understand what a wedding means to you? What is its purpose for the happy couple?
Its difficult to convey tone on these threads sometimes and I’m in no way intending to be goads, just genuinely trying to understand other people’s views.

A wedding means a commitment made between two people.

Nothing else.

A wedding is a legal commitment between two people. That’s it.

@notanicepersonapparently I disagree that it's just a commitment between 2 people. I think it is the joining of 2 families. Thankfully, my husband's and BIL's families seem to have the same view as me and we all get on well and meet up etc.

Is he trying to distance her from her family ?

my friend had this happen. It was all ‘we just want it to be small’, ‘we aren’t doing family for Christmas’ until she hadn’t seen her family for ages and her mum was wondering what she’d done wrong. Turns out they had his mum and best mate round for every event, he just didn’t want her family putting ideas in her head that she might not be being treated as well as she could be etc

they ended up divorced 5 years later when he cheated on her