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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that bloody family should trump step family in this situation?

250 replies

coverp · 26/12/2022 07:35

DSis is engaged - getting married in a year. She dropped over lunch that they were eloping because BIL's family are too complicated.

Our family is parents, DSis, me (plus my DH and 2 kids).
BIL lost his mum about 5 year's ago. He has a brother, a step dad and 4 step siblings (plus 2 partners, 7 children), father, step mother, half brother, half sister and 3 step siblings (plus 3 partners, 4 children) Step dad and father "can't" be in a room together.

Wedding is difficult for BIL because he would have liked him mum there, obviously.

DSis said they have decided it's fairest if they just elope with 5 friends each as witnesses. BIL will choose his brother as one of his friends but my sister won't take me as she doesn't want to upset our parents.

I am fully on board with the "their wedding, their choice" principle, but honestly I'm really hurt and upset that I won't get to see my only sister get married. They aren't planning a party or meal or anything either, just this weekend away with friends for the elopement.

I feel that immediate family is different in this case from the huge step family that comes with BIL. DSis kept saying they couldn't have us and not them, because they are "exactly the same relationship". We are close, see each other at least once a week, she is very involved with my kids who know about and understand the concept of a wedding. BIL is not close with his step siblings, who became so once he was already a late teen. AIBU to feel upset here?

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 26/12/2022 07:37

No, I would be upset too and I think it’s okay to feel upset. I wouldn’t pressure your sister but I also wouldn’t hide that I was hurt.

cantsing · 26/12/2022 07:37

It's completely up to her and she doesn't want you there.

cantsing · 26/12/2022 07:39

I also think unless you are BIL you can't really judge how he feels about his relationship with his various siblings. It's not always about blood relationship.

KangarooKenny · 26/12/2022 07:39

I can see why you would be upset, your poor parents.

Zanatdy · 26/12/2022 07:39

Of course you’re entitled to feel upset. Anyone would be, and I’d let her know you’re upset, but not in a pressure kind of way

deeperthanallroses · 26/12/2022 07:41

try telling her again that you are really hurt, and if she really thinks it’s exactly the same relationship then perhaps we should meet up as frequently as they all do so perhaps in March or June some time for your next catch-up? Or would that be too soon for this relationship?
I think it’s really important she understands how hurt you are asap rather than after the wedding.

Christmasbahhumbug · 26/12/2022 07:41

YANBU to be upset but YABU to make a fuss. As you say, their wedding, their choice…I wonder if this is only half the reason and they actually just want a very small affair with friends (which includes grooms brother) but they are trying to be kind.

Mummieslncorporated · 26/12/2022 07:43

Yanbu to be upset.

Yabu to think that your 'bloody' family should be considered more important than your future bil's step family. How would you purpose he deal with his half-siblings siblings? Should they be treated differently because they are his step siblings?

LunaLula83 · 26/12/2022 07:43

When she shows you her photos, say not interested. I wasn't allowed to celebrate with you and im not interested. Then change the subject and talk about somthing else mundane.

Miserableoldcowww · 26/12/2022 07:44

YANBU to be upset but it sounds like your sister is doing the best she can in extremely difficult circumstances.

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 26/12/2022 07:47

LunaLula83 · 26/12/2022 07:43

When she shows you her photos, say not interested. I wasn't allowed to celebrate with you and im not interested. Then change the subject and talk about somthing else mundane.

That's ridiculous and childish behaviour. Do the exact opposite.

yes it's hurtful but it doesn't sound like she's doing it to hurt you deliberately she's doing it to not hurt your parents.

just be pleased for her (and disappointed it's not worked out in a away you can physically be there) and ask if there is anyway it can be live streamed so you can watch.

Hollyhead · 26/12/2022 07:48

I think it’s ok to be upset but it’s their choice. Maybe explain that you’d like to see the video?
Could you also throw a ‘your side of the family’ celebration for them at some point after? If it wasn’t arranged by then it would be less awkward for them explaining.

Hollyhead · 26/12/2022 07:49

@LunaLula83 that is terrible advice!

Woeman · 26/12/2022 07:49

yes it's hurtful but it doesn't sound like she's doing it to hurt you deliberately she's doing it to not hurt your parents

But the sister could just invite all 3. Why doesn't her partner care that the family she is close to won't be there?? That's more the question. So what if his side is shit, hers isn't and they're actually really close. Sounds dodgy.

LoobyDop · 26/12/2022 07:50

Miserableoldcowww · 26/12/2022 07:44

YANBU to be upset but it sounds like your sister is doing the best she can in extremely difficult circumstances.

This- sounds as though they are having to compromise and work really hard to manage a difficult set of relationships. You really aren’t going to help by throwing your toys out of the pram. Maybe they anticipated that kind of reaction and that’s why they’re sticking with friends only.

Lovethatforyou · 26/12/2022 07:50

OP I think that’s really shit. I too agree with the ‘let her know how hurt you all are, asap’. And yes, refuse to engage in wedding talk. And scale back effort.

CalloohCallayFrabjousDay · 26/12/2022 07:50

I understand them wanting to elope, however, it should be done alone and not have any family at all, which is the point of elopement! That would be the fairest thing.

Plexie · 26/12/2022 07:50

5 friends each? So 10 guests, going away for a weekend? That's not eloping, that's a destination wedding from which your family is excluded.

If they were getting married without any friends present or maybe just 2 friends as witnesses, that would be acceptable as a way to keep it low key and not invite family. But making a weekend of it with a group isn't low key and certainly isn't "eloping".

Whydothat · 26/12/2022 07:50

YADNBU to be upset, your poor parents.
Your family shouldn't have to suffer because his family can't act like adults for one day.
That said it is your sisters choice and maybe you don't have the relationship you thought you did.

Theunamedcat · 26/12/2022 07:51

Their wedding their choice but I can see why its hurtful

TidyDancer · 26/12/2022 07:52

Yanbu to feel upset over this. I don't think I agree with the idea that blood family trumps step family because the dynamics can be complicated but I don't think difficult people should be allowed to effectively dictate the type of wedding that is held.

I don't know what the best thing to do is here tbh. I would be concerned that your sister would regret not inviting her family just because some people can't be grown ups. If it was me I would be inclined to say I want my family there and her DP would need to figure out his own side. I certainly don't think it's fair that your sister has to upset her whole family for the sake of others.

Is the main problem the dad and stepdad not wanting to be in the same room, or the sheer numbers involved on that side and them wanting a small wedding?

I think what they are planning could really cause long lasting resentment and upset (on both sides actually) and even more so that BIL's family are the cause but yet they are represented by his brother. I don't think they have a very good plan at all tbh.

Theunamedcat · 26/12/2022 07:52

I think maybe you don't have the close relationship you thought you did it might be that you stop acting like you do because clearly she feels different

Keepitrealnomists · 26/12/2022 07:53

Juat echoing what others have said, I can see why your hurt and let her know your really upset about it but I can understand why she's doing it. She's trying to protect your parents by not inviting you, I can understand that.

ACynicalDad · 26/12/2022 07:54

Elope is fine, but no family should be across the board. Either way it’s one day, don’t create bad blood over it. Feel sad but get over it as fast as you can and show interest in those pictures…

girlmom21 · 26/12/2022 07:54

This isn't about step family v real family. This is about family politics v easy life.

None of the story you shared was relevant except that he's inviting his brother but your sister won't invite you.

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