To think that bloody family should trump step family in this situation?

[coverp]

DSis is engaged - getting married in a year. She dropped over lunch that they were eloping because BIL's family are too complicated.

Our family is parents, DSis, me (plus my DH and 2 kids).
BIL lost his mum about 5 year's ago. He has a brother, a step dad and 4 step siblings (plus 2 partners, 7 children), father, step mother, half brother, half sister and 3 step siblings (plus 3 partners, 4 children) Step dad and father "can't" be in a room together.

Wedding is difficult for BIL because he would have liked him mum there, obviously.

DSis said they have decided it's fairest if they just elope with 5 friends each as witnesses. BIL will choose his brother as one of his friends but my sister won't take me as she doesn't want to upset our parents.

I am fully on board with the "their wedding, their choice" principle, but honestly I'm really hurt and upset that I won't get to see my only sister get married. They aren't planning a party or meal or anything either, just this weekend away with friends for the elopement.

I feel that immediate family is different in this case from the huge step family that comes with BIL. DSis kept saying they couldn't have us and not them, because they are "exactly the same relationship". We are close, see each other at least once a week, she is very involved with my kids who know about and understand the concept of a wedding. BIL is not close with his step siblings, who became so once he was already a late teen. AIBU to feel upset here?

If I am understanding correctly , the main issue is that Dad and Step Dad don’t get on ? In that case why isn’t your BIL telling them both they are invited but if they can’t behave , don’t come ?
We had a similar situation in our family again with Dad and Step Dad and the bride ( my niece) told them both to behave or not go .
Also , it’s not an elopement if they have already announced what they are doing !

This

YANBU to feel upset but expressing that is only going to cause your sister stress. Actually as a parent of adults I wouldn’t feel upset if you were invited and I wasn’t. I would be pleased that you were able to go. It’s all up to your sister in the end though. The advice to show no interest in the photos etc was childish.

Weddings bring out the selfishness of people getting married. Your sister & BIL are not eloping. Keep telling them that. They have a destination wedding that they’ve excluded you & your parents from. I’d be wary of BIL too.

Having been through something similar - in 20 years time they're both unlikely to still be in touch with most of those friends in any significant way for one reason or another. There's also only a 50/50 chance the marriage will last too (however much they're in love now) so you may well have another chance - if you really want it by then.

However, things will have moved on and you'll probably have all forgotten about this, so being reasonable at this stage will help your future relationship.

YANBU to feel hurt though, I would.

"Blood family should trump step family" is a fairly toxic thing to think but it's a red herring. Your sister has five guests she'd rather have than you, and that's all it boils down to.

Could be for plenty of reasons, including but not only the reason she gave you. If I was only inviting five guests I'd want to ensure they all knew each other and had a good dynamic among each other, for one thing. Do you know her close circle of friends well? Or would the dynamic be four friends who hang out all the time, and then you? Whereas her fiance's brother may be more integrated with his other four guests.

As someone NC with my awful family, I think "chosen family" trumps blood family every time.

Gosh. I wish I'd eloped.
My DM and MIL don't get on, cousins who get too drunk and start fights, it was all horrible.
DH said we should have eloped from the day we was engaged, but I did the "right" thing for our families, and our wedding was stressful, hard and I don't associate any good memories with the other people who attended.
If I could do it over I'd have had a backbone and just had it be DH and I.
Good on her for doing what she wants to do (if it's what she actually wants).
You can feel upset about anything you want, but your feelings don't take priority on this one.

It’s her wedding her choice but I would also be hurt. We eloped, we took no family or friends. This isn’t eloping it’s a destination wedding with 10 guests. His 5 guests are a mix of family and friends, her 5 guests are friends only. That’s her choice but I understand why it’s hurtful. He has chosen to invite family and she has chosen not to.

No one has a right to go to anyone else’s wedding and that’s the end of it. A wedding invitation is a privilege. They have decided to do things THEIR way for THEIR wedding in a way that suits THEM. Be excited for them and get over yourself.

How awful of them for wanting to be selfish and do what they want to do on their day.

Should they have the wedding they don't want to please others?

My wedding only consisted of the 2 of us and our 2 best friends as witnesses. We didn't want a big wedding, this is my 2nd marriage and I know firsthand the entitlement that comes from family around weddings. We wanted to be married, so did it our way and it was beautiful, and as a PP has said, it's the snowball effect. You invite the OP, then it's "but what about my kids".
This is their marriage, you have the rest of your lives to be part of that. If you choose to react badly to this one day, you'll set the tone for the future of your relationship with them. Weddings do bring out the worst in some families. Did they all interfere in your wedding plans or did you get the wedding of your choice?

Some of the responses on here are jaw dropping - some of you are self-centred, passive agressive, emotionally manipulative people who need to take your your heads out of your arses.

OP has clearly stated if she were to be invited without her parents she’d be too upset to be there - she even references that the parents are being more reasonable about it so it’s not because they are raising hell about her going without them.

Her sister clearly knows that OP is too self absorbed to be able to put her feelings and wants aside for one day so it’s easier for her not to be there making her sister’s wedding all about her.

I imagine the BIL’s brother is invited as he’s not likely to spend the wedding day weeping and wailing about missing family members rather than supporting his brother in what will be an emotionally complex day.

I would LOVE to hear the sister’s take on the relationship with OP and what other life events she’s been expected to prioritise OP’s feelings at.

Good on the sister and BIL - they are prioritising what is now their own branch of family and setting the tone for how bratty, entitled relatives will be dealt with.
I wish her a very happy wedding day and long and happy marriage.

You say you agree it's their wedding and their choice, but you are acting as if your feel entitled to a part in it, presumably at their expense.

Maybe the fact that you react by getting upset and feeling hard done by is the reason you are not invited? Do you have form for reacting to your sister's life events like this? It does seem quite an extreme reaction to me

OP i would actually just turn up with your parents. That way you have taken the decision away from your sister.

it's not that she doesn’t want you there; it’s because of the complex situation of her dp family.

Just accept that you will be there for the ceremony and not the after bit. If numbers have been sorted.

Honestly? I think the wedding is abroad isn't it?

How are people so selfish that they will make someone else's wedding about them.

Weddings should be about the bride and groom. No one else.

That is such terrible advice.

What she needs to do is respect their decision.

How on earth is it bratty to want to be at your siblings or dcs wedding? MN amazes me at times. It’s not an elopement when (1) it’s been announced
(2) they are taking 10 friends with them!

FWIW I hated both my wedding & engagement party but did them to please both sides of the family & my dh. If it had been up to me I’d have just had a small wedding with both sides of immediate family. But it’s not done in Cypriot circles so I had to have the big shindig for both wedding & engagement.

I think you are right to be hurt. If it was just them eloping then fair enough. I think BIL is being very selfish, I bet that he can't imagine getting married without his brother there and he doesn't have to , his brother will bring the memories of his mum and family links , he can feel she is there.
Your Sister will regret this I think , not much you can do but state you are hurt and don't really want her to bring it up again. I'm so very sad for your parents, I'd be devastated if this was my daughter.
5 guests each would be fairer then maybe not your DH and kids just you and parents and 2 friends for her, his brother and whoever else for him.
But you can't control it, I'm so sorry

What would you be hoping to achieve with this?
Bully her into including you and parents om a predominantly friends weekend that she didn't originally want you at? Hardly going to be a good atmosphere knowing you MADE her invite you out of guilt.

Or is it just to 'express your feelings'? I do support honest communication but it sounds like the only outcome here would be you making your sister feel guilty and crap.

Do most people just "do something" like wrote a note in this situation without thinking how it will land and what reaction/outcome they would like? Because I can't see any ideal reaction to this

This exactly ^^

If you feel upset about your sisters wedding not being as your family hoped for / would normally have ..,stop and imagine how much worse she feels .

You should consider stepping way up to the plate here and support your sister , do all you can in the run up to this to make it feel special for her .

She can’t have the day she’s wanted ( I’m assuming she wants what you expect ) but she can have the fun and excited run up to it .
Lunch with her , shop if she wants .. enjoy it .. try to help her feel that all is not lost .

There are many in here who could take you their tales of wedding plan adjustments that had to accommodate family . Unfortunate but unavoidable.
Be kind to her and try to understand.

Don't loose your relationship with your sister over this!

Be gracious and wish them well.

It’s a bit shit that she isn’t having her parents and sibling at her wedding just because her husband to be has a complicated family set up.

shame for your parents, I’d be devastated to miss out on my own child’s wedding.

for me an elopement is the couple going away just themselves and finding witnesses for the big day or taking one friend each to be their witness.

they should elope alone not have a gathering of 10 which you are not part of that’s the bit that unfair - not the elopement itself!

She's entitled to arrange her wedding how she sees fit; but that doesn't mean she's entitled to be free from the consequences of that decision, and you're not obligated to keep silent because of some weird notion that you shouldn't tell her that you are hurt, and your parents are devastated, by her decision. The future BIL doesn't even come into it, this is all on her, regardless of why she's chosen to do it. And it's not an elopement, she's just using the word to make herself feel better about her decision, meaning she's aware of what she's doing.

Personally I would say something - no need to bring his family into it, just be honest, and use the word devastated because it's the truth of how you all feel. You're also under no obligation to just move on if you continue to feel hurt, although be aware that if she's already cutting you all out of her wedding that may indicate she's prepared to cut you out further if she feels like it.

I think your sister is making a HUGE mistake. My sister had a similar wedding. At the time I was hurt but when it was clear they wouldn't change I put my own feelings to one side and got over it. My sister still feels dreadful about it and it still comes up every couple of months. I've been a massive help with her children and i know she feels guilty for not including us. There is nothing either of us can do about it - I can tell her again and again that there is nothing to forgive but she still feels awful. She can't turn back time and have the wedding with us there.

An actual elopment I think would have been far better. We'd have had a dinner to celebrate when they returned. I didn't like the crowd aspect of my wedding so I totally get that. What was worse was having other people there but not us.

My advice OP - make your case to your sister about why you and the parents should go and then drop it.