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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that bloody family should trump step family in this situation?

250 replies

coverp · 26/12/2022 07:35

DSis is engaged - getting married in a year. She dropped over lunch that they were eloping because BIL's family are too complicated.

Our family is parents, DSis, me (plus my DH and 2 kids).
BIL lost his mum about 5 year's ago. He has a brother, a step dad and 4 step siblings (plus 2 partners, 7 children), father, step mother, half brother, half sister and 3 step siblings (plus 3 partners, 4 children) Step dad and father "can't" be in a room together.

Wedding is difficult for BIL because he would have liked him mum there, obviously.

DSis said they have decided it's fairest if they just elope with 5 friends each as witnesses. BIL will choose his brother as one of his friends but my sister won't take me as she doesn't want to upset our parents.

I am fully on board with the "their wedding, their choice" principle, but honestly I'm really hurt and upset that I won't get to see my only sister get married. They aren't planning a party or meal or anything either, just this weekend away with friends for the elopement.

I feel that immediate family is different in this case from the huge step family that comes with BIL. DSis kept saying they couldn't have us and not them, because they are "exactly the same relationship". We are close, see each other at least once a week, she is very involved with my kids who know about and understand the concept of a wedding. BIL is not close with his step siblings, who became so once he was already a late teen. AIBU to feel upset here?

OP posts:
Daydreamer12345 · 26/12/2022 10:13

Startwithamimosa · 26/12/2022 09:45

This

Show quote history

I second this!!!

I got married this month with no guests and it seems family members have been talking about us behind our backs because they didn't agree with it

Hardbackwriter · 26/12/2022 10:15

So what you and everyone else on this thread who thinks YANBU are saying is:
"I do not care that having everyone there is likely to cause you stress on the day and in the lead up - me being there and my feelings are more important than you feeling relaxed and happy and being able to look forward to the day you get married. I would rather you had a stressful wedding day with me there than a peaceful one without me there"

I think that absolutely the bride and groom should choose whatever is most peaceful and enjoyable for them, but it's unrealistic to think that other people won't be hurt by being told that the day will just be better and more relaxed without them there. Of course the OP can't and shouldn't do anything - and the suggestions that she just turns up or refuses to look at photos are bonkers - but I can see why the OP is upset and I don't see why she has to hide that any more than her sister has to plan her wedding any way other than as she wants. I do think telling them on Christmas day was pretty awful.

Cornettoninja · 26/12/2022 10:15

I think the plan for taking friends fits into a very narrow type of wedding/celebration and once they’d decided to go away it’s possible it’s just not likely to be your ‘type’ of weekend or your parents.

The point about snowballing numbers is valid too, so you, your mum and dad turns into bringing your dc and your partner then all of a sudden they’re on a very different kind of weekend away.

I don’t buy the accusations your future bil is coercing your dsis into not having her family there. Not based on this alone, I think it’s more likely she’s made her own choices and agreements knowing the dynamics of both.

Just say what you need to them and then wish them well and be happy for them.

SheldonsShoulder · 26/12/2022 10:19

I wouldn’t have gotten married without my sister there and she wouldn’t have gotten married without me there. It’s as simple as that.

Weddings aren’t just about the couple getting married unless they don’t invite anyone they know.

I’m sorry you’re not as close as you thought you were OP. I’m sure she loves you very much but she’s making the wrong choice for multiple reasons which we can all only speculate over. It’s highly probable that she’ll regret inviting friends to her destination wedding instead of you and your parents.

Personally I think if you’re close, then it’s not unreasonable to tell her you feel hurt before the wedding. Letting resentment fester instead of having an honest discussion with someone you’re close with isn’t healthy. You can speak without being accusatory or demanding that she change her plans.

My best friend had a similar experience a few years ago. She’s one of four siblings but she and her brother have always been closer than she is to her two sisters. He and his partner got married in secret with just their parents and two friends each, because they wanted a small wedding and they have a big family. They’d invited everyone around to their house on the evening of the wedding for a ‘party’ but she’d accidentally found out it was a wedding reception that morning.

She sat and cried her eyes out throughout the day because she badly wanted to be there and couldn’t believe he had invited friends over her. She put a fake smile on her face, pretended she hadn’t known and celebrated with them at the evening party. They’re still close but not as close because I don’t think he truly understands the message he gave when he left her out of one of the most important occasions in his life.

senua · 26/12/2022 10:19

BTW, be careful what you wish for, OP. If she changes her mind and invites you after all, do you want the expense x4 (you, DH, 2 DC) to a destination wedding?

hopeisathingwithfeathersx · 26/12/2022 10:21

I would be really upset about this if this were my sister or daughter.

I can understand why a traditional wedding might be difficult for the groom . In their position, I would have a lovely combined weekend away with friends for stag and hen celebration.

I would do actual elopement for the ceremony (no family or friends at all. Musicians/ photographers or staff as witnesses. Maybe even do it in a beautiful location, get some gorgeous shots for the album and start the honeymoon straight away.)

Then I would hold separate dinners to celebrate the marriage with family when I got back.

strawberriesplease · 26/12/2022 10:21

coverp · 26/12/2022 08:44

We are close. She knows that she will always have us and that we won't make a big thing of it. But it does feel that we are being punished for the other side's complication. I don't feel that a full sibling you have grown up with and see every week at least once is the same as half a dozen or more step siblings you see once a year or less. So yes, I guess I am selfishly thinking she should prioritise her family's feelings over his (step) family's feelings in this case.

She's prioritising her future DH feelings. Trying to compromise.

Do you really want to add to the stress? Or be a true support and help her through such an awkward time.

This isn't a hill to die on.

Abraxan · 26/12/2022 10:22

LunaLula83 · 26/12/2022 07:43

When she shows you her photos, say not interested. I wasn't allowed to celebrate with you and im not interested. Then change the subject and talk about somthing else mundane.

So punish her sister and risk damaging their relationship because the sister has had to make a tricky decision.

You could just be an adult about.
Tell her you feel hurt but that you accept her choices, and that you hope she enjoys her wedding day. Be happy for the sister as she gets married. Maybe ask if it's possible to be in video call before, during or after if it's important to you.

Pianofar · 26/12/2022 10:26

I can see why you are hurt. In reality I expect she feels she has to limit guests for her partners sake, and genuinely doesn't want to hurt your parents (she could of course invite all 3 but it depends I guess what she sees the wedding being like). She probably feels as you are close you'll always be there for her and so she doesn't have to worry about losing you with this hard decision. I agree with others, fine to speak to her about how you feel but I wouldn't make her feel guilty or create issues.

StephanieSuperpowers · 26/12/2022 10:32

NerrSnerr · 26/12/2022 09:36

@WeepingSomnambulist the OP has said that the bride has chosen not to take the OP because the bride didn't want to upset her parents- not because his family would be hurt. That is her choice but you can't blame him for it.

Which seems an odd thing to say. Surely her parents are more hurt by not even her sister - literally nobody - from her family going at all?

Inertia · 26/12/2022 10:33

It’s up to them to have the wedding they want, of course. There have been fall- outs in my husband’s family around a person not being invited to weddings because that person had a history of drinking heavily and starting fights at weddings, so I understand their perspective.

They’re not eloping though. They’re having a destination wedding , and not inviting you to be part of it. They have other people in their lives who they consider more important.

In your shoes, I wouldn’t be pleading with them to invite you or your parents. It’s the bride and groom’s decision only. However, I wouldn’t be participating in any aspect of the wedding . I’d send them a congratulations card, but not helping with the planning, taking part in any conversations about it, going on a hen do, or contributing to the wedding in the way I would for a child or sibling who actually wanted me to be involved. If they asked why I would explain that you and your family are upset about being excluded , and expecting you to contribute to such an important event that you’ve been excluded from is hurtful.

LondonGirl83 · 26/12/2022 10:33

This is what they want to do and they should be allowed to celebrate in whatever way makes them least stressed and happiest.

All the comments about being spiteful to her are really out of order. You should help support her because you love her. Certainly don’t try to get her to change her plans!

Andrea87 · 26/12/2022 10:36

I understand why you are upset, but she is not doing this to be unkind to you but to keep the peace.
Could you and your parents maybe organise a small (surprise) celebration for when they get back so you can celebrate together?

NWQM · 26/12/2022 10:36

girlmom21 · 26/12/2022 07:54

This isn't about step family v real family. This is about family politics v easy life.

None of the story you shared was relevant except that he's inviting his brother but your sister won't invite you.

Agreed.

BarrelOfOtters · 26/12/2022 10:37

I’ve never got the whole wedding is just the bide and groom, it’s their day etc etc. you can’t ignore the fact you are marrying into another family. Except in those cases of real dysfunction, the families should be there. Or an elopement where it’s really the 2 of you and 2 witnesses.

ggoing away for the weekend and getting married with your mates and abandoning all but one of your family…yes they have every right to do it, but it’s hurtful and selfish.

Lavender14 · 26/12/2022 10:40

I think it's reasonable to feel upset and gutted you won't be there on the day to see her get married but I do think it's unreasonable to assume that your family should take priority over his family (step relatives or not he clearly still sees them as his immediate family). They will both have discussed this a lot and clearly feel its the best option for them which is their choice to make.

Wanttobefree2 · 26/12/2022 10:42

I can understand why you are hurt, I would be in the same situation. I have a complicated family situation and my mum got married and excluded me (stepdad is an issue) and it created a distance between us so although I didn’t give her a hard time about it, things haven’t been the same.

Nymeria6 · 26/12/2022 10:43

I would be massively hurt by this. I have one sister too and very close. I would really highlight how hurt I am to her, but be prepared she may not see anything wrong with not having you there.

It's shirty behaviour esp if his bro is going. She has one sister. Your poor parents.

To be honest if this was my DP I wouldn't care and still have mine at my wedding.

AnaBannanna · 26/12/2022 10:43

girlmom21 · 26/12/2022 07:54

This isn't about step family v real family. This is about family politics v easy life.

None of the story you shared was relevant except that he's inviting his brother but your sister won't invite you.

Completely agree with this. My step family ARE my family and worth 1000x more than my 'real' family. Your thread title is unnecessarily nasty about step families OP. I can understand why you would be hurt but there's nothing you can or should do about it. It's just a wedding, one day. You can support your sister for the read tog her life afterwards.

Daydreamer12345 · 26/12/2022 10:45

BarrelOfOtters · 26/12/2022 10:37

I’ve never got the whole wedding is just the bide and groom, it’s their day etc etc. you can’t ignore the fact you are marrying into another family. Except in those cases of real dysfunction, the families should be there. Or an elopement where it’s really the 2 of you and 2 witnesses.

ggoing away for the weekend and getting married with your mates and abandoning all but one of your family…yes they have every right to do it, but it’s hurtful and selfish.

I’ve never gotten this attitude.

How on earth is it selfish to have the wedding/guests you choose to have at your own wedding??

I just don’t understand this.

I think it’s extremely selfish for family members to expect you to do things you don’t want to do to please them

winterpastasalad · 26/12/2022 10:49

YANBU to be upset, but your anger is misplaced. Your sister could have invited you and your DPs as part of her 5 guests, but she chose not to.

TedMullins · 26/12/2022 10:49

While YANBU to feel sad and disappointed that you won’t see her get married, you are BU on the whole because it isn’t your wedding. I can’t fathom the sense of ownership others feel over weddings that aren’t theirs - they are about the people getting married and no one else at the end of the day.

if you’re a close and healthy family then be happy for her. Anything else would be toxic and manipulative.

Boulshired · 26/12/2022 10:49

There are consequences when these things happen, if relationships are already damaged then the consequences are small but they can also break what was healthy relationships. If one of my children eloped I would be happy for them , but this isn’t what is happening here. If the sister wants to marry infront of friends that’s her choice to make, but if the other sister is hurt then she shouldn’t have to pretend to be excited , or judged if she evaluates her own relationship with her sister. Hopefully they find a good way to move on, but this will never be truly forgotten.

ClementWeatherToday · 26/12/2022 10:51

DSis kept saying they couldn't have us and not them, because they are "exactly the same relationship".

But it's apparently fine for her fiance to invite his own brother while she doesn't invite you!? Despite the fact that that IS actually the same relationship, a full sibling??

Your sister is tying herself in knots attempting to justify this. It is, as PP have observed, NOT an elopement but a destination wedding from which the bride's enure family are excluded, but the groom's family will be represented by the brother.

Stop referring to it as an elopement. It isn't one. Every time she says that, correct her to, "your destination wedding that only includes the groom's family". Say it like it is.

XanaduKira · 26/12/2022 10:53

Plexie · 26/12/2022 07:50

5 friends each? So 10 guests, going away for a weekend? That's not eloping, that's a destination wedding from which your family is excluded.

If they were getting married without any friends present or maybe just 2 friends as witnesses, that would be acceptable as a way to keep it low key and not invite family. But making a weekend of it with a group isn't low key and certainly isn't "eloping".

I agree with this and actually given how small your family is, you could all 'fit' on her side, without any friends.

Sorry Op, i think what's she's doing is extremely hurtful and does sound like she just doesn't want you guys there. Who picks 5 friends over family you're 'very close to'? I don't think you're as close as you think you are, sadly.