To think that bloody family should trump step family in this situation?

[coverp]

DSis is engaged - getting married in a year. She dropped over lunch that they were eloping because BIL's family are too complicated.

Our family is parents, DSis, me (plus my DH and 2 kids).
BIL lost his mum about 5 year's ago. He has a brother, a step dad and 4 step siblings (plus 2 partners, 7 children), father, step mother, half brother, half sister and 3 step siblings (plus 3 partners, 4 children) Step dad and father "can't" be in a room together.

Wedding is difficult for BIL because he would have liked him mum there, obviously.

DSis said they have decided it's fairest if they just elope with 5 friends each as witnesses. BIL will choose his brother as one of his friends but my sister won't take me as she doesn't want to upset our parents.

I am fully on board with the "their wedding, their choice" principle, but honestly I'm really hurt and upset that I won't get to see my only sister get married. They aren't planning a party or meal or anything either, just this weekend away with friends for the elopement.

I feel that immediate family is different in this case from the huge step family that comes with BIL. DSis kept saying they couldn't have us and not them, because they are "exactly the same relationship". We are close, see each other at least once a week, she is very involved with my kids who know about and understand the concept of a wedding. BIL is not close with his step siblings, who became so once he was already a late teen. AIBU to feel upset here?

She's overcompensating for him having lost his Mum. She has the family he doesn't, so she is minimising you in order to look after his feelings. Unfortunately that won't fix his loss and warring family. I do think though that loving families can support someone even when they do the wrong thing and I admire your stoic parents. My only advice would be to try to come together not apart, be wholehearted but loving.

YANBU to feel upset. If the reasonings are as they say, it feels misguided and a bit sad - but as you said, their wedding.

they have decided it's fairest if they just elope with 5 friends each as witnesses.

They may choose to use the word 'elope' but they aren't really are they? There is no secret (well I guess they can withhold the destination and exact date/time...) and they are taking ten people with them. More like a small destination wedding without any family (apart from BIL's brother).

Step dad and father "can't" be in a room together.

It would be understandable if BIL didn't invite step dad to the wedding because of this (even if he had a closer relationship with step dad within reason) but not inviting your parents (and you) because of it? Odd if you've all got a good relationship.

I think your DSIS has been rather unkind here. Telling you all on Christmas Day you're not coming to her wedding is pretty mean. She's putting her husband to he's feelings first - or, this is the wedding she wants, but isn't prepared to say so. Neither is good.
How to respond? That's really difficult. Personally, I wouldn't bring it up, but if she seeks reassurance from you at some point, I probably would say that I felt really disappointed not to be coming.
Otherwise, be happy for her and maybe don't bring it up unless she does.

Haven't RTFT.
It's not an elopement if you take friends. Taking friends re-creates the problem that they were trying to make go away.
She is basically saying: we intend to piss you off because we know that you will be nice about it. That is unfair of them.

YANBU. Tell them how you feel. Point out that they are being nasty to nice-family in order to accommodate not-nice-family. Is that really how they want married life to be?

Please don’t do that it would be really cruel.

OP I can completely see why you are hurt especially as you are close and also that you feel the relationship between you and DSis is different to BIL and his various step sibs. And I’m sure you are right. But she is trying to protect her new husband here and not have him feel awkward by his complicated family and I think that’s really positive of her that she is already prepared to sacrifice a more traditional wedding to ensure he is happy too.

You could ask if she would consider having you there to match him having his brother but be prepared for a no and also that if she didn’t say yes she wouldn’t be able to extend it to your DH. I can however see what she means about upsetting your parents.

she’s is the situation of can’t do right whatever so don’t make it feel ever harder for her. You clearly love her.

Why don’t you offer to host a post wedding extra wedding meal when they get back. You can all dress up and take some lovely photos and celebrate with her.

They clearly have no idea what the word “elope” means. They’re having a small destination wedding.

Gently, it’s not about you. it’s their wedding and their decision.

They may choose to use the word 'elope' but they aren't really are they?
Yes. Every time you talk about the wedding don't talk about the 'elopement', talk about 'your destination wedding'. Use words to bring it home to them what they are planning.

Well they clearly don't. And they are the ones in the family set up so they know their feelings better than you so wind your neck in.

YANBU. I'd be fuming.

Also I'd personally be advising her against marrying this guy. His family set up is too complicated.

Or there could be dynamics going on that we can’t see. I was brought up in a kind family, where I learned as a child to put other people’s needs before my own. That’s only sustainable in adulthood if you have a relationship with someone else who does the same.

It took me a long time to work out that many other people would put themselves before me and that there were times when I allowed myself to be pushed into something I didn’t actually want because I thought I ought to. It may be that he’s told her no parents and OPs sister has allowed him to push her into agreeing. OPs sister may have then, trying to be fair, concluded that she would hurt her parents if she invited her sister and not them.

I realise it sounds illogical that a grown up might prioritize what her fiancé wants over what she actually wants, but it’s a trap I might have fallen into, because I stupidly also believed love could conquer all and I should put my lovers needs above my own and my family’s, completely missing the fact that he was in no way extending that courtesy to me.

I might be way off base. It might be that OP’s sister genuinely values friends over family, but it’s not impossible it could be that she’s prioritizing what her fiancé wants over what she wants.

YANBU for being upset.

BUT there's 29 vaguely related/unrelated people on his side and I can easily see why she thinks it's so much easier to upset you and your parents (because ultimately, you love her and will forgive her) than it is to cause a massive row with all of his lot - or one half or the other - on their wedding day.

In her shoes I'd elope to.

Wtaf

I have a brother who isn't a people person and also shy. We thought he'd never get a girlfriend but he married my sisters friend.

It wasn't unsurprisingly when he just went off to the registry office, no guests but his wife's parents were the witnesses.

My DM wasn't bothered but DF was immensely hurt and was going through cancer treatment.

Both families need treating exactly the same or there's resentment.

You can tell her once that you are upset but also that you will support her through the wedding.

I feel sorry for your sister really. She is marrying a man who has effectively forced her to exclude her closest family from her wedding.

DSis & BIL eloped because of his family.
We all congratulated them happily, his DM hassled ours after asking if we knew because she was so put out.

Yes I was a little sad I didn’t get to see my siblings wedding, but I didn’t turn it into a drama all about me.

@cantsing he's never seen a functioning marriage by the sound of it. I'd be concerned my sister was headed for a divorce if I was OP.

I’d be more concerned that she is willing to compensate her happiness for him and he is willing (emotional forcing her) for her to do this. The cutting of her family for her wedding, what other future events in the sisters life will be to uncomfortable for him to have her family involved.

Both families need treating exactly the same or there's resentment.

I disagree. If one family are reasonable and loved and the other aren’t, then the person with the decent family shouldn’t be punished because the others are arseholes.

It sounds like they are doing what they want to do and having 5 friends each, you and you parents aren’t in your sisters group as she wants her 5 friends there more, and all the BILs family bit is a red herring.

So really, it’s just that your DSIS wants a very small wedding with friends rather than family and you are hurt.

Nothing wrong with being upset about it, but its their wedding and their choice and you will have to get over it and let them do it their way.

It is hardly eloping as they are not doing this in secret. They are planning a small wedding with 10 guests, none of which are the brides family. If they went off with a witness each that would be less upsetting than planning a small wedding and excluding any family on the brides side, but including one from the grooms side.

Makes me wonder if similar arrangements will be put in place for other significant occasions such as not spending time with family at Christmas as its too complicated for the groom, so the brides family is excluded?

If you want to say something, you need to say it now and then let it go.

Or she's choosing to exclude her family and is using this as an excuse

Maybe think of it more that she's prioritizing the feelings of her fiancé not his family.
It's really hard for him and she doesn't want to make it harder by having her whole family at the wedding when he can't/won't have his.

Weddings can be a fucking nightmare to organize when everyone gets on and there's no tension let alone when there is.

You're fine to be sad you won't be at her wedding but do leave it there and get on board especially if she's ambivalent.

Definitely don't take some of the awful advice here about reducing contact and making her feel bad! 😄

None of OP's business. Her sister is capable of this decision.