To think that bloody family should trump step family in this situation?

[coverp]

DSis is engaged - getting married in a year. She dropped over lunch that they were eloping because BIL's family are too complicated.

Our family is parents, DSis, me (plus my DH and 2 kids).
BIL lost his mum about 5 year's ago. He has a brother, a step dad and 4 step siblings (plus 2 partners, 7 children), father, step mother, half brother, half sister and 3 step siblings (plus 3 partners, 4 children) Step dad and father "can't" be in a room together.

Wedding is difficult for BIL because he would have liked him mum there, obviously.

DSis said they have decided it's fairest if they just elope with 5 friends each as witnesses. BIL will choose his brother as one of his friends but my sister won't take me as she doesn't want to upset our parents.

I am fully on board with the "their wedding, their choice" principle, but honestly I'm really hurt and upset that I won't get to see my only sister get married. They aren't planning a party or meal or anything either, just this weekend away with friends for the elopement.

I feel that immediate family is different in this case from the huge step family that comes with BIL. DSis kept saying they couldn't have us and not them, because they are "exactly the same relationship". We are close, see each other at least once a week, she is very involved with my kids who know about and understand the concept of a wedding. BIL is not close with his step siblings, who became so once he was already a late teen. AIBU to feel upset here?

As someone who didn't invite her SIL to her wedding (due to some serious issues that DH agreed couldn't be looked passed), maybe there's a reason you and your family aren't being included. Perhaps your BIL feels your family is always proclaimed to be more important than his.

Obviously you can feel hurt and upset. But their day is about them and they are trying to mitigate some upsetting circumstances for BIL. Maybe try being understanding rather than self-absorbed about this.

That's not eloping!

That's a small destination wedding that you aren't invited to!

I think the solution is ridiculous. What would make sense is for her to invite 5 (or another number) of her closest people, which would likely be her dps and dsis, and him to invite a similar number of his closest people, with no expectation or obligation that they include his family.

Your dsis is hurting her family, so that he doesn’t have to have an awkward conversation. And her new dh is encouraging this which to my mind, is a red flag.

Yabu to say family trumps step family but yanbu to have realised instinctively that the equivalence they’ve created us false. Be very, very careful with your words around this issue because it is literally a relationship minefield that you’re walking in.

Because she doesn't want to. That's OK. Everyone gets so knicker twisty over weddings.

It's understandable to be upset but, gently, YABU to suggest your family trumps BIL's family.

Only he will truly understand his family dynamics and what would/wouldn't work. It's obviously more complicated than your family but at the end of the day, that is his family. Inviting the brides immediate family but not the grooms would presumably also cause upset.

It's one day. Smile and nod. Be upset in private.

I get upset, I don't get blood over step or dictating other people's choices

i would be very hurt but, as someone who’d lost a parent before I married, I’d also say - don’t underestimate how hard that is. I suspect it’s why the Bf is reluctant just to have a normal wedding without his step- family- it would feel like excluding his DM.

So bil says there is no difference between full siblings and step siblings and then proceeds to only invite his full sibling………ok.
I agree that this is not an elopement but a small destination wedding.
However by advice us to step back, their wedding their choice. It’s not your decision. Leave them to it. Don’t get involved. One day it won’t matter as much.
Is your bil generally a good person and right for your sister? If so then just let it go.

YABU a bit. I’d just try to appreciate that you have a close family relationship with sister - a wedding is 1 day. Yours is a close relationship - with both you and kids and parents that is something special. Maybe ask if your parents could host a family bbq in summer to celebrate?

Ask her if she's sure she won't regret it in future. It's a big decision, is she putting BiL's needs above her own?

Will the presence of your family upset him on all future family occasions, when he can't invite his?

That's what would worry me, I think, and I'd want to check she is ok with it. I think you can ask out of concern.

If she's sure she's happy with it, then you perhaps don't fully understand the dynamics of all the relationships that make this the right choice, and have to just leave it with them.

I'd be extremely hurt (even more so as he is still able to have his brother despite it being his family who are complicated). This would change the relationship I had with my sister.

If they really want to elope why not the two of them and get random witnesses, but they are just choosing 10 other people as their nearest and dearest which says a lot about how she feels about her family.

Seems strange to me if you’re really close that your sister
lots of people have families who don’t get on and don’t elope but if this is what your sister wants all you can be is supportive
but totally agree with you it’s shit

There are lots of posters saying that they should invite the OP because the groom's brother is going. They should invite the 10 people that make them happy and they want to celebrate with. Not the people they feel they should.

it's fairest if they just elope with 5 friends each as witnesses

And not just any old bus, a bus full of witnesses

what a farce. I'd be glad to have been excluded from the circus, leave 'em to it.

I don't think you are unreasonable to be hurt-

I also think they are sacrificing your parents and allowing them to be hurt so as not to hurt BIL parents feelings.

Assume they think you all will make less fuss but it sounds like no one wins in this one.

Surely the question isn’t whether step family should trump your family, but why her friends should trump your family?

Your sister is taking five people. Given a free choice, she could therefore easily choose you and your parents as three of those people. She isn’t. I can think of two possible reasons, though there may be more.

The first is that she doesn’t really want you there. Might that be the case? If you don’t think so, I’d be worried that the reason she hasn’t invited you all is because her fiancé is putting pressure on her not to invite your parents. And that would worry me. What do you think of him in general? That he has a somewhat chaotic family when yours is quite close might concern me. Not everyone with a chaotic family background is abusive and you can’t guarantee that everyone with a stable family background won’t be, but the combination of unstable family relations plus suddenly your sister is pushing a previously close family away might be an indication that something isn’t right here.

If he wanted the best for her, he wouldn’t push her to exclude her mum, just so he doesn’t upset his. Perhaps be forgiving of your sister if she does go ahead. Family is permanent, friends come and go. Your sister might regret this is future. Don’t cut her off. That might be exactly what he’s aiming for.

That's quite cruel

I'd do the exact opposite and do as much as I could together pre wedding .. choosing outfits , music etc and then tips of what she'll need to pack , currency , insurance

When pics come out - engage and enjoy

Be kind OP . She knows it's not ideal for your family so will be feeling shitty enough

It’s not sally eloping with five guests and you knowing about it.

it’s a wedding without any invite.

i think it’s poor form.

*really not sally

That's not eloping, that's a small destination wedding excluding your family and I too would be miffed. Eloping is going off on your own, generally without telling anyone in advance.

If she really wants you there, she needs to advocate for herself better. She could have huge regrets in ten years when she looks back at photos or remembers the day. If asked how you feel about it, I think honesty is good, but you also need to tell her it's her decision and you accept it.

What a ridiculous childish thing to suggest.

No OP don’t do this ffs.

You’re entitled to be upset but it’s their wedding and up to them how they get married, weddings aren’t to keep families happy they’re for the couple getting married.

I think you need to write her a note explaining that you are truly happy for her getting married, that you understand the difficulties but how sad you and your parents are being excluded but friends are being invited.

He is able to have his brother there because he has clearly chosen to. The sister could have the OP there had she wanted to.
She isn't invited. Because there are 5 other people her sister has chosen.

Yet it's the BIL's fault somehow.
Some of the posts here are absurd.

As one sensible poster has said, the fact that the OP or any member of her family isn't included in the 5 suggests they are not as close as she'd like to think.

That's not eloping, that's a small destination wedding excluding your family and I too would be miffed. Eloping is going off on your own, generally without telling anyone in advance.

This.