To think that bloody family should trump step family in this situation?

[coverp]

DSis is engaged - getting married in a year. She dropped over lunch that they were eloping because BIL's family are too complicated.

Our family is parents, DSis, me (plus my DH and 2 kids).
BIL lost his mum about 5 year's ago. He has a brother, a step dad and 4 step siblings (plus 2 partners, 7 children), father, step mother, half brother, half sister and 3 step siblings (plus 3 partners, 4 children) Step dad and father "can't" be in a room together.

Wedding is difficult for BIL because he would have liked him mum there, obviously.

DSis said they have decided it's fairest if they just elope with 5 friends each as witnesses. BIL will choose his brother as one of his friends but my sister won't take me as she doesn't want to upset our parents.

I am fully on board with the "their wedding, their choice" principle, but honestly I'm really hurt and upset that I won't get to see my only sister get married. They aren't planning a party or meal or anything either, just this weekend away with friends for the elopement.

I feel that immediate family is different in this case from the huge step family that comes with BIL. DSis kept saying they couldn't have us and not them, because they are "exactly the same relationship". We are close, see each other at least once a week, she is very involved with my kids who know about and understand the concept of a wedding. BIL is not close with his step siblings, who became so once he was already a late teen. AIBU to feel upset here?

Yes I agree, it’s not eloping whatsoever to have a small wedding you’ve told everyone about.

OP do not do this.
She'll tell you to fuck off. Quite rightly.

I think you’d have a lot more YANBU if you’d just described the situation instead of turning it into whether people believe ‘blood is thicker than water’.

That being said I do think I’d be upset in your scenario. It comes across as you’re being punished because of his family. I’d also start to question what kind of a man the fiancé is as he should want to have his bride’s family there if she wants them and is close.

Like others say it’s not an elopement. An elopement would have been less complicated. Maybe they realise that now but are too late to change. I had a small wedding but did wonder beforehand if we should have just eloped but obviously once you invite and tell people it’s too late to change.

Could you discuss exactly why the chosen few were invited ahead of you?

Oh don't do this it would be so cringe!

Fucking hell how do people like you actually exist.

Friends can come and go in your life. You move jobs, you have kids, you move house and you regrettably loose touch. Your parents and siblings are there throughout and that’s why they should be at the wedding.
I’m sure there is nothing you can do about it op but I would be very hurt and I think your parents probably are too. She’s upsetting those who should always be there to support her and inviting people who may well be on another thread here moaning about the expense they are being put to.
I think she should have invited her family, his Dad and full sibling and explain to everyone else that they are just keeping the wedding small.

How about you/DP’s hosting a do for them when they get back?

OP, I understand you feel upset. I would too. I think if the groom didn't invite his brother it'd would have been better. Have an calm honest conversation with your sister. No blaming, passive aggressive comments, or emotional blackmail advocated by some posters. Focus on how you feel. How you were looking forward to seeing your only sister getting married. Maybe ask if you can come if your parents say they're ok with it?
And if nothing changes, be supportive. It's not an easy situation.

YANBU to be upset.

YABU to think your family is more important than his.

Yeah I agree with the posters saying you are not as close as you think. She could ask you but hasn't just as BIL has asked brother.

This isn't an elopement by any means. They want a certain type of wedding and it doesn't include you or parents

See how your parents feel about it. And ask your sister does she realise how hurtful she's being inviting 5 people and not one family member. There's no going back afterwards. What's done will be done.

I'd be hurt too (and if my sister ever got married I'd be happy not to attend because we aren't close!)

Based on the fact they are eloping because it's his family that are complicated but yet his biological brother is invited I think inviting you would be exactly the same.

I can see the difference that he wouldn't want his parents there and yours would be missed out but in your situation I'd also be hurt.

We are close. She knows that she will always have us and that we won't make a big thing of it. But it does feel that we are being punished for the other side's complication. I don't feel that a full sibling you have grown up with and see every week at least once is the same as half a dozen or more step siblings you see once a year or less. So yes, I guess I am selfishly thinking she should prioritise her family's feelings over his (step) family's feelings in this case.

This. I have a similar situation to your sister going on and my husband would have fully supported inviting just my family. They would have been incredibly hurt if I had made the decision your sister has, and rightly so. It definitely is not a case of exactly the same relationship.

Yes if you want to sound pathetic and petulant say this.

So depressing the MN view that people should exclude their own family from important events like weddings and babies for weeks on end. I don't get it. Why bother to have a family if you don't care enough about them to include them. It all seems very cold and self absorbed.

I know someone who was excluded from her daughter's destination wedding because of family issues. She was absolutely devastated and took months to get over it. I really felt for her.

I particularly don't get the fact he can take his brother but she can't take you. Your parents will be upset whether or not you go, and if it were me I'd be even more upset if my child didn't include any family at all while the groom did.

Maybe your sister doesn't feel as close to you as you thought OP. Maybe she's a mumsnetter.

I can totally see why you would be upset and why you don’t agree. However I can see from their perspective it has to be one rule for everyone otherwise they’ll never hear the end of it.

I’d support them and maybe orgqnise a party for them just for your side of the family.

Amazed at the responses here, considering how often mumsnet tells people to elope with just 2 witnesses

No mention of poor parents then

You’re being unreasonable. I have this situation with one of my brothers and his partner. They have been engaged for 10 years but due to her family complications a wedding would be difficult. I’d love them to just run off and get married. I’d be over the moon as I hate to think that they have to consider others ahead of their own marriage.

But he IS inviting a family member.

I sympathize with your sister, the family dynamics are not of their making. They are being robbed off the chance to have a normal wedding because of the choices and behaviours of others. They have clearly batted this back and forth to try and come up with a compromise. I'm betting she knew how upset you'd be but also that you would understand how hard it is for her... She can't have her own parents at the wedding in order to appease her husband's family. She loves him and is making a Hugh sacrifice to make things easier for him. Do you really think she doesn't want your dad to walk her down the aisle , or her beloved nephew and nieces there. Yet alone you , if you are as close as you say. This must be so hard for her.
Pleas esupport her as the closer it gets the more upset she will become that she has been pushed into this by other people's choices and behaviours. The fact they can't even have a party says it all throw a family party for them. Both our parents are divorced and their behaviour has lead to some horrible long term consequences from our wedding . Over things we knew nothing about but have to live with.
Be kind to them I bet they are already hurting. I know you are disappointed but imagine how they must feel

She’s NOT eloping though is she. She’s planning a wedding with her 5 best mates and cutting out her family.

I’d let it go, but I’d also point this out.

that's a bit "meh". It is entirely "their wedding their choice" but YANBU to be upset about it, and i my book (unless there is much wailing and gnashing of teeth) it is also fine to tell your sister that you are upset about not being invited to her wedding (same goes for your parents, it is ok to tell people you are upset and disappointed about their decisions).

and then that's it.

BIL is a bit daft if he's cutting off his Future-wife's family because he can't say to his dad & step-dad that they will only be invited if they can behave like adults. But that's up to him.

You don't need to let it cause a family rift though. I will regret for ever my DH's family (there is a black sheep that he was always very close to) in letting them decide who came to our wedding from their side, instead of me saying: he wants them there, act like grown ups or stay away. It took about 5 years but that sibling and i now have a fantastic relationship. But it was rocky and awkward for a long time.

It would BU to put any pressure on her though. So you have to suck it up, but you don't have to be happy about it, and you don't have to engage in wedding talk unless you want to.

I dont understand why they cannot have a wedding just because he has 28 people to invite. That isnt an excessive number of guests.

sounds like an excuse.

I get it's hurtful, but I totally get why they are eloping....sounds like a dream wedding. Weddings= drama. . Try to be happy for them.

What would you actually like them to do, like who would you like them to invite. And now think how that would feel for BIL not his family vs your family. It's their wedding day, his feelings come before yours on his wedding day. A family wedding would mean him spending the day having what he lost with his mother shoved in his face the entire day. Weddings are really hard when you don't have a traditional family set up. I have all my "origionals" plus a few (more than two) extra parents. It was bloody hard accommodating everyone and was quite upsetting at times. I can't imagine having a big happy wedding without one of my parents tbh, it was hard enough without my nana.

You're not wrong to be upset, but you would be wrong to push the issue when it's already hard for them. There's no way for everyone to be happy, but his wedding needs to be a happy day for him.