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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect dp to get a vacestomy in 20s.

542 replies

Justmegan · 25/12/2022 23:40

Just that really. Me and dp already have 1dc. Dp 27 I'm 25. Thing is I had a traumatic birth. Me and dps compatability means that we have quite large children together, dc got stuck heart rate dropped... you get the picture. I've been told if I get pregnant to expect that again.

Needless to say we have been crapping ourselves about me getting pregnant Again. Not only because of the birth but the pregnancy was horrible on my body and I really suffered being under 5 ft! I can't and won't take any hormonal contraception as the side effects don't agree with my polosystic ovaries. Dp and me both don't like condoms and I can't feel anything and neither can he. Call it childish but with any feeling there ( we have tried different condom types) it's like humping a wall. I can't tell he isn't in to it and it kills the mood. So we have been avoiding sex.

My thing is that we are engaged and dp says he wants to be married to me. We live together and are a happy family. So it's it unreasonable to expect him to get a (if needs be reversible) vasectomy. He keeps saying he doesn't want to inflict more trauma or a hard pregnancy on me but does nothing about it. He also seems quite happy in our abstinence which is weird to me giving how young we are. I understand because we are so young things can change but at the moment I feel like just letting our sex life turn into non existent for 2 years isn't the answer either. So aibu to ask this?

OP posts:
saturnisturning · 25/12/2022 23:44

No you can’t expect him to alter his body for you.

if a man came on here and said he’s annoyed that his wife won’t get sterilised at 27 he’d get his arse handed to him on a plate

Workyticket · 25/12/2022 23:46

YABU
-He's too young
-Most surgeons wouldn't perform it
-Reversal is expensive and doesn't always work

TeaAndBrie · 25/12/2022 23:47

My DH had one a couple of years ago in his late 30’s. They ask lots of questions to you both and it’s likely they may not do it if he’s quite young. They’re not reversible. You can pay to try and reverse it but there’s no guarantee it would work.
Many NHS trusts don’t offer them free either anymore and if they do the waiting list is long. It also takes a good amount of months to see whether it has worked completely.

RampantIvy · 25/12/2022 23:47

I doubt very much he would be able to get one at his age.

Rachie1973 · 25/12/2022 23:49

Could you be sterilised perhaps?

if not Mirena is actively encouraged for people with PCOS

SabbatWheel · 25/12/2022 23:49

Why don’t you get sterilised instead.

Sometimeswinning · 25/12/2022 23:50

You could get a coil fitted without the hormone?

It does sound like you both have other issues to work through. I mean even with condoms sex should not be that bland!

Ylvamoon · 25/12/2022 23:51

He's to young and clearly doesn't want to do it.
Have you looked into having a copper (?) coil? Not sure if it is possible for you but could be worth investigating.

redflowerbluethorns · 25/12/2022 23:52

Of course it's unreasonable, how would you feel if he asked you to have your tubes tied? Use other birth control or abstain. Nobody should pressure ANYONE to have surgery, regardless of reasons why. That decision is your DPs.

greenteafiend · 25/12/2022 23:53

I think you are both pretty young and have a single child. The odds that you will change your mind are quite high, and a difficult birth is not really much of a barrier--you could ask for a cesarean next time. Have you tried different hormonal options? There are so many kinds, and many women suit one but not the others.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/12/2022 23:54

Your relationship has WAY more problems than him refusing to get a vasectomy. Getting married to him would be a huge mistake.

Original poster
Justmegan · 25/12/2022 23:54

@redflowerbluethorns on the flip side he puts my health at risk? And who said pressuring. I want to ask him

OP posts:
Ihatethenewlook · 25/12/2022 23:55

He’s extremely young for a reversal with only one child. I know it can seem condescending when you’re getting told it’s very possible he may regret it when you think you’ve got your whole lives planned out, but believe me, circumstances can change in blink of an eye. My sister tried to get sterilised after her 1st at the age of 32 and they refused. She ranted not stop about them until she got pregnant again (intentionally) at 36. She’s now in her 40’s and has started fertility treatment to go for a fourth. Please don’t push your oh into doing this already. There are alternatives out there and tbh it sounds like you’ve got more of a problem about it than him. Get yourself sterilised if that’s what you want, because your partner clearly doesn’t

Original poster
Justmegan · 25/12/2022 23:55

@Aquamarine1029 such as?

OP posts:
WetBandits · 25/12/2022 23:56

Justmegan · 25/12/2022 23:54

@redflowerbluethorns on the flip side he puts my health at risk? And who said pressuring. I want to ask him

He’s not putting your health at risk if he’s happily abstaining 🤷🏼‍♀️

Also hormonal contraceptives such as the Mirena IUS are recommended to help treat PCOS.

Original poster
Justmegan · 25/12/2022 23:58

@WetBandits but who is saying he is happily abstaining? We all read plenty of threads on here when the man and woman aren't having sex. We all know how it goes. They cheat or leave in the end. I could happily abstain but there is pressure there to fulfil what is expected to be a happy healthy part of a relationship

OP posts:
Milkand2sugarsplease · 25/12/2022 23:58

DH had one earlier this year. It came with a lot of questions from the doc before it was agreed he could have one. We're older than you, family complete (4) and both certain that was the way we wanted to go (partly because of my PCOS as with you) but still the docs were probing to make sure.

There isn't a "reversible" option really. It can be paid for and attempted but no guarantee and the nhs will tell you, and repeat, that a reversal is not available on the nhs.

If he's unsure, or sure he doesn't want to, yabu to expect him to go through with it. How would you feel if he were pushing you to go for surgery?

You need to find an alternative that you can both agree on - contraception, abstinence, whatever, but it needs to be agreed on.

MichaelFabricantWig · 25/12/2022 23:59

Can’t you get a coil fitted?

dontgobaconmyheart · 26/12/2022 00:00

YABU to expect it of his body if he doesn't want to do it, there isn't much more to it than that.

If you are having unprotected consensual sex and fall pregnant as a result it's difficult to see how that is he has 'inflicted' a difficult pregnancy on you so much as that is the likely result of unprotected intercourse that you both chose to risk. He isn't responsible for your stature or the medically likelihood of discomfort or danger that you feel is a result of that outcome. Pregnancy ultimately is not always a safe or easy thing for any woman, but thank goodness that we have the NHS here when or if we become pregnant.

As he (in your own words) isn't that fussed about an active sex life at this time anyway I would discuss that first and try to meet on the same page about all this issues. I would also book an appointment with the nurse or a GP at your GP practice and discuss what contraceptive options there are no that are recommended for women with polycystic ovaries or which avoid some of the issues you've had before. I've personally found the pill to have been enormously helpful for me in terms of management of ovarian cysts. When I'm on it the issue all but disappears.

WetBandits · 26/12/2022 00:00

Justmegan · 25/12/2022 23:58

@WetBandits but who is saying he is happily abstaining? We all read plenty of threads on here when the man and woman aren't having sex. We all know how it goes. They cheat or leave in the end. I could happily abstain but there is pressure there to fulfil what is expected to be a happy healthy part of a relationship

He also seems quite happy in our abstinence which is weird to me giving how young we are

You said it yourself in your OP Confused

Original poster
Justmegan · 26/12/2022 00:00

@Milkand2sugarsplease I'm not happy with contraception. He won't be happy for abstaining for much longer let's be honest. What are my options here? I don't want to get sterilised as the op is alot more invasive and more permanent than a vasectomy.

OP posts:
mumofone2019 · 26/12/2022 00:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Imogensmumma · 26/12/2022 00:01

I’d ask him , it’s just a question and if he feels uncomfortable or doesn’t want to you go from there. You are not forcing him ffs some of these other posters are odd. However, he will struggle to get it done if he agrees as he is young

Mylittlesandwich · 26/12/2022 00:01

Similar-ish circumstances here but we're a little older. I'm 30 and will not be having any more children. Me and DH have discussed him getting the snip which he isn't against but there's no urgency for him. That's his right, it's his body. I don't get on with hormonal contraception and I've heard too many horror stories about the coil. So at the moment we abstain mostly. We'll see how things develop.

KarmaStar · 26/12/2022 00:01

Imho you are both young to have such a dramatic operation.
Speak to your local clinic about your options and then work out a way forward together.If it doesn't work for you,discuss and try something else.
Keeping the communication open and not pushing blame or accusations at each other should help you to deal with this in a way best for both of you.good luck