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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect dp to get a vacestomy in 20s.

542 replies

Justmegan · 25/12/2022 23:40

Just that really. Me and dp already have 1dc. Dp 27 I'm 25. Thing is I had a traumatic birth. Me and dps compatability means that we have quite large children together, dc got stuck heart rate dropped... you get the picture. I've been told if I get pregnant to expect that again.

Needless to say we have been crapping ourselves about me getting pregnant Again. Not only because of the birth but the pregnancy was horrible on my body and I really suffered being under 5 ft! I can't and won't take any hormonal contraception as the side effects don't agree with my polosystic ovaries. Dp and me both don't like condoms and I can't feel anything and neither can he. Call it childish but with any feeling there ( we have tried different condom types) it's like humping a wall. I can't tell he isn't in to it and it kills the mood. So we have been avoiding sex.

My thing is that we are engaged and dp says he wants to be married to me. We live together and are a happy family. So it's it unreasonable to expect him to get a (if needs be reversible) vasectomy. He keeps saying he doesn't want to inflict more trauma or a hard pregnancy on me but does nothing about it. He also seems quite happy in our abstinence which is weird to me giving how young we are. I understand because we are so young things can change but at the moment I feel like just letting our sex life turn into non existent for 2 years isn't the answer either. So aibu to ask this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Justmegan · 26/12/2022 00:01

@WetBandits for now, yes. In a years time? Who knows
We are only in our 20s....

I doubt he wants a life without sex what man does 🙄

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 26/12/2022 00:02

Higher risk of prostate cancer in men who have a vasectomy before 40.
My fFIL died from it so I haven't asked DH to have the snip.
I think you are both too young and I would look for alternatives.

Original poster
Justmegan · 26/12/2022 00:03

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams what are the alternatives? Either way it seems like the only option is to end this and remain single until I find a sterile man which is ridiculous

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 26/12/2022 00:03

Justmegan · 26/12/2022 00:00

@Milkand2sugarsplease I'm not happy with contraception. He won't be happy for abstaining for much longer let's be honest. What are my options here? I don't want to get sterilised as the op is alot more invasive and more permanent than a vasectomy.

A vasectomy IS permanent.

Why are you not even open to considering contraception that is suitable for PCOS?

Blinki · 26/12/2022 00:03

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

WetBandits · 26/12/2022 00:03

Justmegan · 26/12/2022 00:01

@WetBandits for now, yes. In a years time? Who knows
We are only in our 20s....

I doubt he wants a life without sex what man does 🙄

If you can’t agree then you might just have to grow up and use condoms.

You’re coming across a bit stupid and naive to think that male sterilisation is a reversible method of contraception.

crimbocountdown · 26/12/2022 00:03

I dont know how you can say you and your partner make "large children together"......based on having the grand total of 1 child. You could have more children and opt for a c section next time. A vasectomy at your age is extreme

Mistletoekiss · 26/12/2022 00:03

Justmegan · 26/12/2022 00:00

@Milkand2sugarsplease I'm not happy with contraception. He won't be happy for abstaining for much longer let's be honest. What are my options here? I don't want to get sterilised as the op is alot more invasive and more permanent than a vasectomy.

you can have it done via keyhole and have clips which is the easiest type of female sterilisation to reverse if you ever change your mind . I had my tubes cut and burnt and it was still possible for my sterilisation to be reversed

Original poster
Justmegan · 26/12/2022 00:04

@Rachie1973 done it all before and gave up.in the end..the ups and downs weren't worth it. I also resent the fact that I had to go through a bad pregnancy/birth and then all of this. Dp should take some responsibility in all this.

OP posts:
Milkand2sugarsplease · 26/12/2022 00:05

@Justmegan but you have to take a vasectomy as permanent

You're right, a sterilisation is far more invasive and you're well within your rights to not want to do that.

He can't make you take contraception, you can't make him have a vasectomy. It would appear abstinence is your only option and if he starts to get more demanding of sex, then revisit the conversation at that point.

(And if he were to go out and find it elsewhere like you mentioned in a previous post, he's not someone you want to be with anyway really!!)x

bingobanjo · 26/12/2022 00:05

Copper coil seems an incredibly obvious choice here. Non-hormonal and long-term but temporary (5 or 10 years, removable at any time). I’ve had 2 with no problems whatsoever.

Purplechicken207 · 26/12/2022 00:05

I was sterilised by choice during another operation. That's an option - not reversible though. And you may have to really push for it, or go private, given that they usually go on about age and what if you change your mind blah blah. Or private vasectomy for your partner. Vasectomy is a less invasive op BTW, quicker recovery too I believe. And of course worst case, usually reversible, at least to some extent.

Not belittling your current thoughts and choices, but I had a v hard 1st pregnancy and v traumatic birth - we were both in danger and weeks later I also ended up hospitalised with bad infections which would have been sepsis if left a day longer. I was very ill. We'd always planned on just 1 and it felt that confirmed it. We changed our minds when baby was almost a year old. 2nd pregnancy I was much more sick but far fewer physical issues, textbook planned section and recovery. I'm only saying this because you have to be really absolutely sure it's what you want, not just coming from a place of fear/trauma.
And physical stuff aside, I found therapy (about lots of things but as I was pregnant with 2nd we discussed pregnancy and birth a lot too) to be really useful in processing the trauma. Having someone truly ready to listen to my fears and experience was so freeing. None of my family and friends listened the same way, or reacted without comparing to their own experience. She sympathised with me, told me it was no wonder I felt the way I did, it must have been so hard and I was so strong to keep going. It sounds simple but it was so genuine it made me feel so much better to get it out and really listened to. That may help you too. I went private because NHS mental health is a total mess, and it was more than worth every penny.

if I hadn't had my sterilisation, my DH would have had a vasectomy (but he's 40)

WetBandits · 26/12/2022 00:05

Justmegan · 26/12/2022 00:04

@Rachie1973 done it all before and gave up.in the end..the ups and downs weren't worth it. I also resent the fact that I had to go through a bad pregnancy/birth and then all of this. Dp should take some responsibility in all this.

And he is! He’s not having sex with you. That’s a very good way of not getting pregnant 👍🏼

KillingLoneliness · 26/12/2022 00:05

He can definitely get one, my DH was 24 when he had his, we had two babies close together at 21 and 23 and he didn’t want anymore and I was happy with stopping at two, we are in our 30s now and he has never had any issues from it.
Your DP really does need to be on board for it but it’s a very quick procedure and recovery is super fast too.

Rachie1973 · 26/12/2022 00:05

Justmegan · 26/12/2022 00:04

@Rachie1973 done it all before and gave up.in the end..the ups and downs weren't worth it. I also resent the fact that I had to go through a bad pregnancy/birth and then all of this. Dp should take some responsibility in all this.

He has. He’s abstaining. I think you’re very demanding.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/12/2022 00:05

Dp should take some responsibility in all this

He is. He's not having sex with you.

Pelo22 · 26/12/2022 00:08

Copper coil? I'm on my third one and wouldn't change it for anything else
I've had 2 x 5 year ones and have a 10 year one in now

Oher · 26/12/2022 00:08

Hi OP. That all sounds really difficult. Sorry to hear about the difficult pregnancy and birth, and about the PCOS.

Totally agree it makes no sense for you to get sterilised when it’s a much more dangerous procedure and so simple for a man.

Surprised condoms are such a problem though, I relied on them for a decade without a problem.

For my PCOS, the endocrinologist strongly recommended the mirena coil. I didn’t want it for different reasons but it might suit you perhaps?

It sounds like there is no perfect option. Talk to him about the vasectomy, he might be fine with it, but condoms / a mirena so seem less problematic.

Good luck!

superdupernova · 26/12/2022 00:09

Why have you posted on AIBU if you refuse to listen to everyone who says you are?

quokka5 · 26/12/2022 00:09

I think you need to have an honest conversation about your sex life and contraception should be part of that conversation. You could mention a vasectomy, but he might also ask why you don't get sterilised.

thelobsterquadrille · 26/12/2022 00:10

If you don't want more children you should get sterilised. It's no more permanent than a vasectomy.

Cuddlywuddlies · 26/12/2022 00:12

Yes…by all means

let him have a vasectomy
And then reverse it when you see fit

i suppose you’ll want this all courtesy of the NHS too?

YABU in so many ways @Justmegan

Changingmynameyetagain · 26/12/2022 00:12

DH had a vasectomy when he was 31, we had 3 dc by that point and we were adamant we didn’t want more children.
Hormonal contraception doesn’t agree with me because I get hormonal migraines and it seemed like the obvious solution.
The surgeon was very firm on the fact that it wouldn’t be reversible and was a permanent solution.

AFigmentOfMyOwnImagination · 26/12/2022 00:13

Due to two c sections I didn’t want any more pregnancies. I didn’t force DH to have a vasectomy. I pulled my big girl pants up and was sterilised.
you have no right or say over someone else’s fertility, only your own.

BelleMarionette · 26/12/2022 00:17

A vasectomy is permanent. It should not be viewed as reversible, as that is often not successful. If you want reversible contraception, it is not the method to choose.

He is also too young for any surgeon to agree to this procedure.

There are non hormonal contraception options, most notably the copper coil

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