To expect dp to get a vacestomy in 20s.

[Justmegan]

Just that really. Me and dp already have 1dc. Dp 27 I'm 25. Thing is I had a traumatic birth. Me and dps compatability means that we have quite large children together, dc got stuck heart rate dropped... you get the picture. I've been told if I get pregnant to expect that again.

Needless to say we have been crapping ourselves about me getting pregnant Again. Not only because of the birth but the pregnancy was horrible on my body and I really suffered being under 5 ft! I can't and won't take any hormonal contraception as the side effects don't agree with my polosystic ovaries. Dp and me both don't like condoms and I can't feel anything and neither can he. Call it childish but with any feeling there ( we have tried different condom types) it's like humping a wall. I can't tell he isn't in to it and it kills the mood. So we have been avoiding sex.

My thing is that we are engaged and dp says he wants to be married to me. We live together and are a happy family. So it's it unreasonable to expect him to get a (if needs be reversible) vasectomy. He keeps saying he doesn't want to inflict more trauma or a hard pregnancy on me but does nothing about it. He also seems quite happy in our abstinence which is weird to me giving how young we are. I understand because we are so young things can change but at the moment I feel like just letting our sex life turn into non existent for 2 years isn't the answer either. So aibu to ask this?

It's a pretty low effectiveness rate considering that's the rate when used effectively. Given that if I got pregnant again I'd risk rupturing my section wound, no I wouldn't really want to risk it with such a big margin for error but I will speak to the gp about it, I don't know anyone who uses a diaphragm so I hadn't considered it. There's still possibility of side effects with that such as uti, bladder infection and reaction to spermicide and doesn't suit all women's cervix shape. My point is really just that as women we're always expected to accept contraception regardless of the side effect and it can sometimes feel like we need to take the least offensive option while men rarely need to think about it. I don't think anyone should be "expecting" their partner to do anything to their bodies that affects their fertility but it does seem unfair that the ball mainly falls in the female court while male contraception is widely underdeveloped and under researched. I don't think we should be calling other women lazy for recognising that it can be really hard to find a good fit.

The reason it falls on women is because it is women who take all the risk of pregnancy. Would you seriously trust a man to take the contraceptive pill if it was available? I wouldn't trust a man as far as I could throw one. Because, at the end of the day, men will never be the ones at risk of pregnancy so they will never care as much about the risks. You have to look after yourself. And if you think a diaphragm plus condoms is still too much of a risk, then you shouldn't have sex at all because no form of contraception is 100% reliable and sex can cause infections and UTIs etc. Not even male sterilisation is 100% guaranteed to prevent pregnancy. So that's pointless too if you want 0% risk.

The copper coil isn't hormonal at all. Why can't you use that?

My point is really just that as women we're always expected to accept contraception regardless of the side effect and it can sometimes feel like we need to take the least offensive option while men rarely need to think about it

We are the ones that get pregnant, it affects us more intimately and the consequences fall more heavily on us.

Besides, from a pharma POV, it’s easier to stop one egg than 100 million swimmers …

But OP hasn't tried the copper coil... could be the perfect solution for her and much less drastic than a vasectomy and yet she's unwilling to try.

I'm also in your position however and I use a combination of Natural Cycles and condoms. I never have sex during the most fertile 3-4 days of the month, even with a condom on, just in case. Seems to have done the trick for me for about 5 or 6 years, and my husband and I are highly fertile (conceived first month both times we've tried).

This. It isn't a sexist thing. It's much, much easier to create a reliable contraceptive method that focuses on the egg and not the sperm. They've been working on a male pill for a long time and just can't make it reliable enough.

Actually copper coil does have side effects for lots of women, just different to hormonal contraception.

Heavier & more painful periods are a key one that many women experience.

So now OP will be doing the pregnancy, birthing, contraception side effects, and her partner will be doing what exactly? Nothing? Sounds about right. The bar is on the floor isn't it.

Actually I don't think it's an issue of it's harder.

Men run the world and it doesn't favour them to make these solutions. There's a really interesting book that outlines how the world is built for men, including how only male dummies were used for car crash tests, leading women to be more likely to suffer severe injuries in car accidents.

There were many more examples but yeah.. this thread shows exactly why. Nothing is ever expected of men. God forbid they experience discomfort, responsibility, anything.

OP doesn’t want to be pregnant again so she can use condoms (try different types and brands) or have her tubes tied. OP’s boyfriend doesn’t want a vasectomy and probably hopes for more dc in the future. OP shouldn’t take his choice away.

I already have pretty horrendous periods so gp advised against the copper coil because it can make them worse.

So you think it’s a great idea to hand contraceptive responsibility to men….

I would rather be on charge of my own contraceptive responsibilities thanks.

Of course a couple can talk about family planning and birth control options. Vasectomy being one option.

I would still like to be in control of my own contraception don't get me wrong, but I think men should be held equally responsible since they would be equally responsible for any ensuing pregnancy. I think that just saying they aren't reliable enough or whatever to be responsible for themselves actually allows them to have a cop out while women are being called "lazy" for struggling to find a suitable solution themselves. I think it also in term perpetuates that concept of 'trapping' men or like the woman should be left dealing with the pregnancy since it was their responsibility in the first place. These attitudes don't help further women in the slightest. I know a suitable solution doesn't exist right now, but I do question how much investment has been put into it.

I doubt you’d find someone to do one on someone under 30. Even privately. In some areas they don’t even offer them on the nhs anymore. There can also be a lot of side effects for men.

Dh and I were questioned quite heavily, this was 10 years ago and dh was 40 and we had finished our family.

I did have a wobble about 5 years ago and we looked into a reversal and they are very expensive and don’t have a high success rate also the longer you leave it the less chance they have of working, last chance before I had an ablation to stop my heavy bleeding chances of pregnancy were slim to none before looking into it

I do believe contraception should be a joint decision but neither can be forced to have an operation they don’t want. However the op seems to want it their way and not making a joint decision with their partner

Men run the world and it doesn't favour them to make these solutions. There's a really interesting book that outlines how the world is built for men, including how only male dummies were used for car crash tests, leading women to be more likely to suffer severe injuries in car accidents

This ain’t it. It literally is about numbers.

Besides, imagine if they had developed male HBC before female. Would you really place that much trust in another person (a man) when the consequences affect you way more? You’d be a complete fool.

There's a big difference between what you have been through and OP's reluctance to even discuss or consider other options. Perhaps she has actually explored different types of hormonal contraception, but she certainly doesn't give that impression. She also dismisses the mirena on the basis of a scare story that does not make sense, anatomically. She just seems stuck on this one course of action.

Have you tried a diaphragm OP?

It's none hormonal, and means neither of you need to have surgery.

So now OP will be doing the pregnancy, birthing, contraception side effects, and her partner will be doing what exactly? Nothing? Sounds about right. The bar is on the floor isn't it
Perhaps the OP can hand the pregnancy and birthing over to her partner. Oh, wait..🙄
Ensuring a punishment for what woman have no choice but to take on by rendering the man infertile is ridiculous. As is handing over responsibility for contraception to someone else. Men do it all the time and then run from the end result. Unless you are ok with the end result of being lax, personal responsibility should always be the starting point. OPs partner is taking responsibility by not risking a pregnancy. Neither of them 'like' condoms so choices are pretty limited. Personally, I think the partner should be trying every condom available before deciding that but I think they're both pretty lazy/selfish that way.
The party who is adamant that there be no more children should take responsibility for ensuring that's the case.
I've read 'Invisible Women'. Found it both enlightening and appalling. It's a stretch to try and apply it here 🤷‍♀️

I keep seeing that it's her who doesn't want more not him, but she says in her OP that he keeps saying he doesn't want to inflict another pregnancy on her, so it looks like they're both in the same boat re: not wanting any more children together, and for the same reasons.

Different topic entirely but yes I'd trust my fiancé to take contraception if he was able to, I wouldn't be marrying the man or having children with him if I couldn't trust him to do something so basic.

Ah okay. Thanks for answering. I was wondering. Someone I know has a copper coil as they can't handle the Mirena.

Tbh the point about invisible women (thank you for reminding me of the title) was in reference to someone mentioning male BC would be harder to make. I was just making a point of that's not necessarily true, we just often are led to think that as it keeps men off the hook 👍

But no one has actually been able to give a good reason for why OP as a woman should be the one responsible for the course of action.

If I was a man and I knew how harsh pregnancy has been for my partner etc. I would appreciate what she did for OUR family. I would definitely also consider a vasectomy!

Sadly we expect absolutely nothing from men apparently. They can just take the fun parts of everything and have no responsibility whatsoever. This is utterly depressing.

Poor OPs partner god forbid he has a vasectomy and won't be able to one day piss of and have 2 kids with a 20 year younger girlfriend while being a deadbeat dad. Yeah really tough life most these men are living..

Because it is permanent, and there is nothing to suggest he is done with having kids! Or that OP is, for that matter, she is doesn’t want to be sterilised herself because it is permanent, and is talking about him getting it reversed in two years’ time.

Honestly, if this was a 25 year old woman whose partner just didn’t like using condoms, would you suggest she get sterilised “because it shouldn’t be totally his responsibility”?

Poor OPs partner god forbid he has a vasectomy and won't be able to one day piss of and have 2 kids with a 20 year younger girlfriend while being a deadbeat dad. Yeah really tough life most these men are living..

Right. Say this does happen. Say he does fuck off one day. Will the OP then expect her next partner to have a vasectomy too, or will she have to stay single until menopause?

The risk of pregnancy is her problem. She needs to make sure she can't get pregnant because all penises are a risk to her. Not just the one she is with now.

"My partner left me last year. I've recently met a new man but I can't have sex with him yet because the risk of death from pregnancy is too great and I can't take birth control nor use condoms. AIBU to ask him to have a vasectomy?"