To expect dp to get a vacestomy in 20s.

[Justmegan]

Just that really. Me and dp already have 1dc. Dp 27 I'm 25. Thing is I had a traumatic birth. Me and dps compatability means that we have quite large children together, dc got stuck heart rate dropped... you get the picture. I've been told if I get pregnant to expect that again.

Needless to say we have been crapping ourselves about me getting pregnant Again. Not only because of the birth but the pregnancy was horrible on my body and I really suffered being under 5 ft! I can't and won't take any hormonal contraception as the side effects don't agree with my polosystic ovaries. Dp and me both don't like condoms and I can't feel anything and neither can he. Call it childish but with any feeling there ( we have tried different condom types) it's like humping a wall. I can't tell he isn't in to it and it kills the mood. So we have been avoiding sex.

My thing is that we are engaged and dp says he wants to be married to me. We live together and are a happy family. So it's it unreasonable to expect him to get a (if needs be reversible) vasectomy. He keeps saying he doesn't want to inflict more trauma or a hard pregnancy on me but does nothing about it. He also seems quite happy in our abstinence which is weird to me giving how young we are. I understand because we are so young things can change but at the moment I feel like just letting our sex life turn into non existent for 2 years isn't the answer either. So aibu to ask this?

I think saying you could quite happily never have sex again when you are in your mid 20s is utterly tragic to be honest with you. I mean in your mid to late 50s yeah .... not that rare to not be arsed with it anymore. But mid to late 20s? As pps have said set the poor buggar free!

My husband and I had been together about five or more years by our mid to late 20s, and we were at it for four or five times a week. It was a slow week for us if it was only once or twice!!! And even in our mid 30s when we'd got two kids we are were still doing it at least two or three times a week. It wasn't until our mid to late 40s that it errrm slowed down a bit... But we were BOTH happy with that. Totally unfair and cruel what you're doing to your DH.

but who is saying he is happily abstaining?

You did:

He also seems quite happy in our abstinence

There are many ways of fulfilling each other's sexual desires without actually sticking a penis in a vagina. Consider them.

Frankly if he posted on here he'd be told to run a mile.

But what about me

Hardly fair that i have to risk pregnancy when my body struggled this first time

Well use contraception then! It's not as if he can carry the baby.

You sound really resentful and borderline bonkers, to be honest.

You haven't responded to a single piece of advice on this thread, so I'm not sure why you bothered in there first place.

It's just all about you.

OP sorry but you sound very selfish. Why do you think you could ask him to get a vasectomy if you wont do anything yourself?
I think you need to sit down both of you with your gp or a sexual health adviser and explain your situation, and see what they recommend. I am certain that it wont be a vasectomy

Can I ask, how old is your child? I had a very traumatic birth with my first. I was absolutely shell shocked after it, for a long time. It took me a long time to process it, if that makes sense. I felt really traumatised.

if you’d asked me up to a year after I’d had my lovely daughter if I’d have any more, I’d have told you absolutely not. Too scared. Angry and resentful. But it did fade, with time. Those feelings of fear and violation and anger about what DD and I had been through.

I did go on to have a second, when my eldest was 3. Planned c section and I can honestly say that the birth was nothing less than a wonderful, peaceful experience.

Also, to pick up on another point. When my kids were very small, I felt angry and resentful at life in general but my husband bore the brunt of it. Our sex life was just about non-existent and I felt like I could quite happily not bother with it again. But now my girls are 8 and 5…and we’re good again. It’s taken a while but we’re very much back on track.

I guess what I’m saying is that time is a great healer sometimes, and don’t be so quick to write it all off if your trauma is recent. It does get better.

I don't want to get sterilised as the op is alot more invasive and more permanent than a vasectomy

More permanent? And if it was 'more permanent', why is that even problem for someone who categorically doesn't want more dc?

Yabu. Your whole view on this is selfish and skewed.

@Rachie1973 @SabbatWheel Why should she have to get sterilised? She has already done her bit having a difficult birth. Getting sterilised as a woman is risky and under general anaesthetic. A vasectomy is so quick, 20 minutes in the doctors surgery and only local anaesthetic. Why say a woman should take all the risk and pregnancy/childbirth and the partner does nothing?

OP you are not unreasonable to ask him. And if he wouldn't have a vasectomy - which, lets be honest, is the bare minimum he can do, then I wouldn't stay with him and would break your engagement.

For what it's worth I've asked my fiancé to have one once we have completed our family.

I'd been on hormonal contraception for almost 15 years before coming off it to conceive our first child (currently pregnant) and I've already said I'm not going back on it, ever. After this baby he will pull out/we'll monitor fertile periods (before anyone says it, we know the risks and accept them as we want to add to our family at some point anyway).

Once we know we won't be having any more he'll get the snip. Quick op under a local anaesthetic to prevent me having to take contraception until menopause/risking accidental pregnancy. I don't think that's much to ask!

Wtf sort of misogynistic rubbish am I reading? OP has already gone through pregnancy and a difficult childbirth, it is now HIS turn to take one. OP is right, it is very risky for her, and simple for him. He is the one being selfish!!

You are both very young.
They probably won't perform a vasectomy on him.

I had DC 1 when I was young, it was problematic and I was advised similar would happen again.
My second birth, some years later was textbook.
I'm only 5ft tall, all of my DCs were 10lbs+

You cannot ask, and certainly not expect, someone to have surgery on your say so. That is completely unethical, I don't blame him for refusing.

If you are really sure that you don't want to have more children, you need to be sterilised.

However, his reluctance does not bode well for his commitment to the relationship in the longer term. His refusal suggests that he would like more children one day. Surgery is your practical concern. Your relationship is the emotional consideration.

C-section.

Wtf? @FedUpWithEverything123 She HAS done something! She carried his child and went through a difficult childbirth. She has more than done her part!

Why can't HE step up now, and stop being selfish himself??

Sorry OP, I know you're getting jumped on a bit but I too think YABU.

You keep talking about his straying, but that's not something I ever think about with my DH so firstly no matter what you are telling yourself you don't fully trust him. And that's before I even get started on the reasons behind pushing a vasectomy on him.

You probably need counselling as you've mentioned PTSD and it's no wonder considering what happened, but your reasoning is way off and there might be some PND too.

Sounds like you're incompatible based on your mutual irresolvable positions.

From what you've written, he sounds avoidant and you sound entitled and salty. I'd either end it, or get real help.

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 I'm not sure if you understand the difference between contraception and sterilisation.
Contraception is reversible. Sterilisation (male or female) is not.
Asking someone to be sterilised is asking them to never have a child again. This is a huge decision, especially for a man on his 20s whose relationship is already on the rocks.
It's not as simple as saying "well she went through a difficult pregnancy and birth so he should render himself sterile as payback".

I doubt any doctor would agree to it. DH was grilled in his late thirties as they thought it was too young. We’d been married for ten years as well. That’s relevant because the doctor is considering the health of the man & how likely he might be to want children in the future. Saying we had 3 kids was met with pretty much a ‘so what’. What swung it was dh saying we had a severely disabled child (terrible ableism because his disabilities were nothing to do with us deciding dh should have a vasectomy). So tbh I’d forget the idea. Dp would have to do a lot of persuading & doesn’t sound like he even wants it - so it won’t happen.

She never said he would stray, let alone kept on saying it.

How is she unreasonable to expect him to step up and be one half of a relationship and take some responsibility? Why do women on here think the man should take no responsibility and it should be all on the woman, who has more than done her part?

@Sarahcoggles I certainly do, which is why since he wants no more, he is the one who should be sterilised.

Asking someone to be sterilised is asking them to never have a child again.

But if he chooses to never have a child again, that's his choice!

She hasn't asked him yet, so he hasn't refused. It could be that he's reluctant as he hasn't offered 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't think it's unethical to ask your partner. Surely you should be able to have healthy conversations with your partner around family planning, and it's not right that only a woman's options should feature in that.

Unethical to push it on him yes, but to simply ask? I wouldn't think so!

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1

She carried his child

No, she carried THEIR child

and went through a difficult childbirth

Which is not the fault of either of them.

She has more than done her part!

If she is adamant that she doesn't want any more children, then she needs to take responsibility for that.

And you're calling me misogynistic? Have a look at yourself.

@NalaNana

Surely you should be able to have healthy conversations with your partner around family planning

Totally agree. It's a joint decision.

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 To answer your questions in the simplest terms - because no-one (male or female), should be pressured into being sterilised? Or do you not agree?

Yes, you are misogynistic.

If he is adamant he wants no more children then he needs to step up and get a vasectomy. Why are you putting everything on the woman? Wtf?!

@QS90 Who said he should be pressured? That's not what this is about. But OP should at least be able to suggest it, and she isn't wrong for expecting him to do his part.