To expect dp to get a vacestomy in 20s.

[Justmegan]

Just that really. Me and dp already have 1dc. Dp 27 I'm 25. Thing is I had a traumatic birth. Me and dps compatability means that we have quite large children together, dc got stuck heart rate dropped... you get the picture. I've been told if I get pregnant to expect that again.

Needless to say we have been crapping ourselves about me getting pregnant Again. Not only because of the birth but the pregnancy was horrible on my body and I really suffered being under 5 ft! I can't and won't take any hormonal contraception as the side effects don't agree with my polosystic ovaries. Dp and me both don't like condoms and I can't feel anything and neither can he. Call it childish but with any feeling there ( we have tried different condom types) it's like humping a wall. I can't tell he isn't in to it and it kills the mood. So we have been avoiding sex.

My thing is that we are engaged and dp says he wants to be married to me. We live together and are a happy family. So it's it unreasonable to expect him to get a (if needs be reversible) vasectomy. He keeps saying he doesn't want to inflict more trauma or a hard pregnancy on me but does nothing about it. He also seems quite happy in our abstinence which is weird to me giving how young we are. I understand because we are so young things can change but at the moment I feel like just letting our sex life turn into non existent for 2 years isn't the answer either. So aibu to ask this?

If he does want to go ahead, it would take a lot of convincing the drs as he's young and only has one child.
Does he not want to do it or does he want it but is he just not very proactive?

We have 2 DC's and both my pregnancies were traumatic so we both decided that a vasectomy was the way forward (he suggested it first).
He's always busy at work so I booked it on his behalf (as we're married it seems to be allowed) and at the initial GP appointment, all they asked him was "do you want this?" And "is your wife happy with this decision?".
He said yes to both and they booked it straight away.
The difference is though, he was late thirties.

Since you would quite happily never have sex again, but you think he will want sex in the future, I suspect your relationship won't go the distance anyway. After all, it won't be much fun for him having sex with someone who doesn't want it ever again, vasectomy or otherwise . So why would he render himself infertile when he may well be with a different partner in a few years time?

I don't want to get sterilised as the op is alot more invasive and more permanent than a vasectomy.

They are both permanent and invasive. You could dump him, he could meet someone else who wants kids. It’s too much of a risk for him to get a vasectomy if he doesn’t want one. Why don’t you try natural family planning if you don’t want to get sterilised?

This. Who knows what could happen in a few years. If he has a vasectomy he won't be able to have more children. Can you guarantee you will never split up? Totally unfair of you to ask this of him so young

you can’t go into a vasectomy with a reversal as a backup plan. It has to be thought of as permanent.

if the two of you are committed and certain you are done having children, then he should be investigating a vasectomy.

It is unusual for a non-married (or consciously never marrying but committing in some other way) couple to be consider themselves making permanent birth control decisions together though.

For all sorts of reasons I think it would be highly unreasonable to ask this of him.

The alternative is a coil. You haven't said why you don't want one ?
A vasectomy is permanent.

@Cheeseandlobster I hear that. But what about me. Hardly fair that i have to risk pregnancy when my body struggled this first time. I can't even remember most of my pregnancy since I think I've been suffering with mild ptsd since

@America12 ah sorry. My dsis had a coil. She said it was horrendous pain to insert and she has 3 children! Then one day it travelled up and raptured something inside her which caused her to bleed out horrifically. No thank you!

My dh had vasectomy. Difference is he was older and had multiple children with additonal needs.
He doesn't want to have it done which is probably most important part. If you definitely don't want to have another pregnancy for medical reasons then I'd go for permanent sterilisation.

The copper coil can have brutal side effects, mine were even worse than when I used hormonal contraceptives. Heavy periods, constant bacterial infections, pain, depressed. Never again.

Are you relying on the NHS for your birth control choices?

Go and see a family planning Norse and look at your options and I would suggest some counseling for your traumatic birth - it’s clearly scared your view of sex.

Hi op, I'm sorry your birth experience wasn't what you'd hoped for. I'm not sure how old your little one is but it might be worth sitting down with a midwife to go through what happened for a debrief. If it's very recent then I would suggest waiting a while before making any decisions, you might find you feel differently as you process your birth trauma (or you might feel even more set in your decision than before) but at least you know you're making a choice with a clear head. I'd recommend sitting down with your gp to talk through your options. I'm actually in a similar boat, very recently had a section and at the moment I'm still recovering but already thinking about what to use as hormonal contraception has always had horrible side effects for me and so did the mirena coil but I can't risk getting pregnant within the year. It's not straightforward. I think you can discuss it with your partner but as you've recognised you can't force him into it.

How long ago was your first pregnancy? long enough to be sure that you don't want more? even if you could avoid a traumatic birth via a planned c section?

I think you should explore other birth control options rather than a vasectomy

Iv had a mirena fitted as part of hrt, wish I'd had it done years ago and not let myself be put off with negative reviews. You can request to have them fitted with gas and air or using local anesthetic.

Honestly from your posts you sound borderline abusive. He is in his twenties and you aren’t even married. Statistically you probably aren’t even likely to stay together. So if he went ahead with this then he’s permanently infertile and won’t be able to meet someone new as most women his age will want kids eventually. I’m actually worried for this man.

I don't see anything wrong with asking him to get a vasectomy, you have to respect his decision if he says no though. If you go private I think you can freeze sperm and go through IVF in future if you change your minds.

Have you thought about a natural method bearing in mind you're only fertile for 5 days or every month? If you are taking ovulation tests every day and BBT tracking, looking out for markers like CM then after a few months you should get an idea of your fertile period and you could just avoid having sex at that time?

I think you are being unreasonable about contraception for you. There are plenty of great options out there, many very useful for PCOS. it really doesnt sound like you have explored them properly. I'm all for men taking responsibility, but I really don't think a vasectomy is appropriate here.

So one horror story means no coil.
What about the equally rare vasectomy horror stories?
OP you don't sound as if you like your DP very much , you certainly don't fancy him or want to have a physical relationship with him. So why are you wanting to persuade him to permanent change his body?

I don't see anything wrong with asking him to get a vasectomy, you have to respect his decision if he says no though.

The title says she “expects” him to get one though which sounds more like she’s going to try and push him into it, and if he’s naive he might stupidly agree to it to stop being nagged.

How old is your baby?

If you never want any more children, you should be sterilised. You're young enough that if you and your dp did unfortunately end the relationship, he might want to have more children with a new partner whereas you're sure you wouldn't. Would you then ask every future partner to get sterilised?

I wouldn't rush into either form of permanent sterilisation tbh. DH and I are your ages and have two children, the youngest being 5. We might want more in future but for now we're content. We've avoided pregnancy pretty well for the past 5 years without birth control or condoms and maintaining an active sex life. We use natural family planning and abstain from penetrative sex on certain days. You can't half arse this kind of method though, you really have to follow it to a T.

To expect him to - no. To have a conversation about it and find out his point of view - yes.
Your situation has similarities to ours. DH had a vasectomy in his late 20s, we are both still happy with that decision more than 5 years later. It was covered by the NHS but I believe lots of areas won’t cover it now so it has to be private.