To expect dp to get a vacestomy in 20s.

[Justmegan]

Just that really. Me and dp already have 1dc. Dp 27 I'm 25. Thing is I had a traumatic birth. Me and dps compatability means that we have quite large children together, dc got stuck heart rate dropped... you get the picture. I've been told if I get pregnant to expect that again.

Needless to say we have been crapping ourselves about me getting pregnant Again. Not only because of the birth but the pregnancy was horrible on my body and I really suffered being under 5 ft! I can't and won't take any hormonal contraception as the side effects don't agree with my polosystic ovaries. Dp and me both don't like condoms and I can't feel anything and neither can he. Call it childish but with any feeling there ( we have tried different condom types) it's like humping a wall. I can't tell he isn't in to it and it kills the mood. So we have been avoiding sex.

My thing is that we are engaged and dp says he wants to be married to me. We live together and are a happy family. So it's it unreasonable to expect him to get a (if needs be reversible) vasectomy. He keeps saying he doesn't want to inflict more trauma or a hard pregnancy on me but does nothing about it. He also seems quite happy in our abstinence which is weird to me giving how young we are. I understand because we are so young things can change but at the moment I feel like just letting our sex life turn into non existent for 2 years isn't the answer either. So aibu to ask this?

If you read the full thread, you'll have a better understanding of the situation.

I’m never one for putting the onus on women, we all get enough of that crap daily.

But, surely, if you don’t want to go through childbirth again due to the reasons you’ve given, then wouldn’t it make more sense for you to be sterilised? Ugh, hate typing that as it sounds so crude.

You obviously don’t want any more children due to the risks I that are placed on you. Which is understandable. NOBODY can guarantee that they will be with the same partner for life. I’d imagine that, if you ever split up, you would still be in the same situation re not wanting another pregnancy. It is not fair to ask your partner to go through that process.

I read all OP's posts before I responded. I know exactly what the situation is, I am able to read and comprehend. Unlike others it seems.

Why is it fair to ask the OP to go through all that, but not fair to ask the man? Why isn't it fair to expect the man to step up and take his share of the responsibility, especially as the risk to the OP is far greater.

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 - your view on this is bloody bonkers. And I’m normally the last person to come running to the defence of men!

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1

All your posts are absolutely mental. No one agrees with you, do you have some kind of hatred or trauma when it comes to men? Because I think that’s clouding your judgement. NO ONE should be pressured to sterilise themselves.

I've read and comprehended the whole thread. I still think the OP would be unreasonable to ask this of her partner.

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1
Unfortunately your biological anatomy can't be changed so, yes, women have the babies and therefore also make the decisions about the contraception, thats not misogyny it's just how biology works.

Demanding someone has a permanent surgical procedure which will leave them infertile because they cannot help the body they were born into sounds as fucking batshit as you are. Now be off with you ya mad eejit!

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 I have just reread all of the Op’s pp and no where does it say that her Dp does not want to have more children. And there is nothing at all written about him being adamant that he does not want more children.

The only person who is claiming that they are adamant that they don’t want more children is the Op herself.

So, to use your argument: If she is adamant that she doesn’t want more children than she needs to step up and have a procedure or a contraceptive or a method to prevent pregnancy.

FWIW Advocating for equality between the sexes is not misogyny or misandry. It is regarding both male and female as having equal value and worth.

So it's bonkers to expect the man to play any part of a relationship? Wtf bonkers bs am I reading???

How is she unreasonable to ask her partner to step and take responsibility?

His body , his choice, same as it’s your body it’s your choice.

if you feel so strongly about no more children then you need to do what’s right for you,

we had our last child 19yrs ago, knew we didn’t want anymore but we take care of contraception, neither of us went for the permanent solution of sterilisation as neither of us wanted to do that to our bodies and that’s our choice.

She's not unreasonable to ask but he does have to be ready for it too. As far as I can tell, OP hasn't even raised the topic with her partner, so doesn't know if he would be willing or not. Either way, she doesn't get to insist, just as he doesn't get to insist about her birth control or pregnancy choices.

I grew up knowing that BOTH parties were responsible for contraception. I am sad to see you were told to think the man has no say.

And who is DEMANDING? OP is saying if they're BOTH finished having children, then it makes more sense for him to have a vasectomy. Yes, being infertile is kinda the point of a vasectomy. You're the one that sounds fucking batshit. Maybe you've had too much to drink.

FFS, she doesn’t want the risk of any more children. Completely understandable. But it is VERY selfish to demand that from someone so young. No matter who she is with, she will not want any more children. He should still retain the capacity for having kids.

The only bonkers bs I’m reading is your posts.

FFS, where is demand coming from? She said if they BOTH don't want any more children. BOTH. No 'demand' in any of her posts.

You think the man has no say in a relationship. That, is batshit bonkers.

Can you imagine him suggesting you get your tubes tied in your 20s? So long as its reversible?

Sounds bat shit crazy right? Right

Why couldn't you have a caesarean instead of birthing a huge baby vaginally?

Him PERMANENTLY STERILISING himself is not something he should do unless he absolutely wants to do that. Him “taking responsibility” would be wearing condoms. You seem to really hate men. If this was reversed & OP’s partner wanted to pressure her to sterilise herself everyone would rightly be telling OP to leave.

I think drunk loons are posting on this thread. This topic has come up many times on Mumsnet, and the other times the OP would be told they are not unreasonable. So something is very strange on here.

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 - you are coming across as nutty as the people who champion forced birthing.

Women get a shit deal in life, I get that. It’s a constant blooming slog fighting misogyny etc. But this type of situation is nuanced and I still maintain it is unfair to expect this of her OH.

But if he DOESN'T WANT ANYMORE CHILDREN, the entire point of a vasectomy is so you don't have any more children. It is the ENTIRE POINT, to sterilise yourself. That's why men have a vasectomy. The entire purpose is that. If you had read the OP's first thread, neither DP or her get on with condoms. You clearly didn't read her post, because why mention something they can't use?
And nothing is talking about 'pressuring'. Why are you inventing things she never said?

There is nothing unreasonable about asking your DH if he'd be willing to have a vasectomy. I think the issue here is that OP doesn't seem too concerned about whether her partner wants one, just that she wants him to have one. "My body, my choice" applies to men too.

It's not even really a debate at this point as it doesn't seem she has asked her DP if he'll have one. He might be willing.