To expect dp to get a vacestomy in 20s.

[Justmegan]

Just that really. Me and dp already have 1dc. Dp 27 I'm 25. Thing is I had a traumatic birth. Me and dps compatability means that we have quite large children together, dc got stuck heart rate dropped... you get the picture. I've been told if I get pregnant to expect that again.

Needless to say we have been crapping ourselves about me getting pregnant Again. Not only because of the birth but the pregnancy was horrible on my body and I really suffered being under 5 ft! I can't and won't take any hormonal contraception as the side effects don't agree with my polosystic ovaries. Dp and me both don't like condoms and I can't feel anything and neither can he. Call it childish but with any feeling there ( we have tried different condom types) it's like humping a wall. I can't tell he isn't in to it and it kills the mood. So we have been avoiding sex.

My thing is that we are engaged and dp says he wants to be married to me. We live together and are a happy family. So it's it unreasonable to expect him to get a (if needs be reversible) vasectomy. He keeps saying he doesn't want to inflict more trauma or a hard pregnancy on me but does nothing about it. He also seems quite happy in our abstinence which is weird to me giving how young we are. I understand because we are so young things can change but at the moment I feel like just letting our sex life turn into non existent for 2 years isn't the answer either. So aibu to ask this?

Do you think he's less likely to leave to be with another woman if he has a vasectomy? Your comment about what he might do makes me wonder if this could be why you're seeking to make the choice for him but refuse to do it for yourself, when in all frankness, the problem appears to be that you are relatively small in build, in which case, a planned section would be utterly appropriate if you wanted another child - and as the perceived risk is to you, not him, and you don't want another child, it makes sense that you should be sterilised.

Honestly, your take is one-sided, immature and demanding, and your refusal to meaningfully engage with the comments here kinda confirms that...

Have you got a reason for not wanting the coil? It’s non hormonal so wouldn’t affect you like other hormonal treatments. Seems a pretty obvious choice in your situation.

This. ^ You have a right to not want more children @Justmegan or to not get pregnant again til you're ready, but you do sound hugely demanding and bratty and a bit narrow minded. You want your DP to get his tubes snipped in his TWENTIES, but won't even consider getting YOURSELF sterilised, and are coming up with excuse after excuse after excuse NOT to.

I was sympathetic to you to start with when you posted the first post, but your subsequent posts have made me think YABU, and quite stubborn and rude. As the pp said there ^ you posted on AIBU and when people say you ARE (being unreasonable) you ignore them and are like 'yeah but, yeah but.......'

So... get sterilised yourself, OR don't shag, OR use condoms. That's your life with ANY man I'm afraid. Unless you leave your DP and find a sterile man!

Reading your further replies, you've said your op would be more invasive than his vasectomy. Yes, it would. And he may be thinking his vasectomy is less invasive than you finding a contraception which you can tolerate. Also correct. So you need to figure it out together. Your op being harder than his is no different to his op being harder than your contraception. You can't dictate what he does with his body and he can't with you, you have a stalemate. The easiest/lesser option is to try and find a contraception which works.
I have PCOS (severe enough to have had problems conceiving and a miscarriage due to hormone issues, ovaries which are heavily covered in cysts etc) and tried a handful of different pills before finding one which worked for me (harder because i get migraines too). I also had the implant for years, and before that the quarterly injections (both a long time ago, pre-diagnosis, not sure they even do them now). So unless you've tried a good few options, insisting on any very possibly permanent operation is a bit OTT. Yeah it sucks to muck about trying birth control. But you know what sucks more? Either of you having an op you aren't happy with and felt pressured into, or splitting up because you don't want to get pregnant. In which case you may as well have the op anyway, because you won't want to get pregnant with anyone else either 🤷‍♀️

Expect to go private for either op though, because your age, situation and NHS funding makes that unlikely on the NHS I think.
My gut feeling is better exploration of contraceptive options and trials, along with some birth trauma therapy, may make this a non issue, or at least show willing and the next step may be to then discuss vasectomy, if you can afford the private fees for it

From your original post, it sounds like you're not certain you're done having children. So a big no on a vasectomy. Also consider his choices if you ever broke up (of course hopefully you won't), or God forbid, if you died. He may well choose to start another family in his 30s / 40s or even later!

What about a femidom and spermicide?

Don’t be silly he’s only 27, take the pill there’s loads of different combinations, find one which suits you.

I'm sorry but what dr told you that between you having a baby would be so big that your lives are at risk? Your body carry's a baby that YOU are able to carry, yes they maybe a big baby and you could of had complications but that doesn't mean you can't have more safely. YOU would be choosing not to, I had a 10lb4 babe and I'm 5"4 and small frame but delivered her with no complications or pain relief. Everyone is different, if you want no more children you should tell him that and allow him to choose his own path. If you want more children, then go and speak to a dr about if you'd have a choice for elective c section etc if they're so concerned about the size of baby which would take away the labour complications.
Expecting him to have a vasectomy because you don't like contraception is so unreasonable.

Or another option... non penetrative sex?

I don't want to get sterilised as the op is alot more invasive and more permanent than a vasectomy.

But you want him to have someone rummage around in his nut sack and literally snip things? That's not invasive? Or painful?

And forget about the reversal stuff. Again, very invasive and no guarantee that anything will work afterwards.

I also resent the fact that I had to go through a bad pregnancy/birth and then all of this. Dp should take some responsibility in all this.

It's not his fault you had a bad pregnancy/birth. It was a joint decision of you both to get pregnant. Stop blaming him. Do you have PND?

Get a coil, get sterilised, take the pill or use condoms. You have loads of choices.

Dear Lord you sound completely ridiculous. A vasectomy is not some easily reversed operation. I had pcos and couldn’t manage with some contraceptives, there are plenty of other choices. And all this nonsense about big babies, stop talking rubbish. I doubt very much if any doctor would give a man that young a vasectomy.

I don't think most surgeons would do the surgery at his age and with only one DC.
Life evolves people change their minds.
I don't think theyd sterilise you either, so you would need to sort reliable contraceptive.
DH was told he was too young for a vasectomy at 38 when I was expecting our 4th child! and in any case they wouldn't do the procedure until baby was born- this was the NHS , private op maybe different.
Anyway he did have it done - it's a simple procedure and if your families complete I would recommend it but you are both very young to make permanent decisions.
I'm sorry you had such a difficult pregnancy, and can understand why you don't want to do it again but do the doctors think the same issues would arise with second pregnancy? I'm also short just 5ft -My midwife was always surprised my bump measured smaller than it looked🤣
But being short didn't really give any issues during pregnancy and birth so you may have been unlucky. If you had a traumatic birth might be worth considering therapy

Op - get a grip!!!

@Justmegan You are the one who absolutely doesn’t want anymore babies. If you are absolutely certain of that then you are the one that needs to take personal responsibility for preventing pregnancy.

If he was the one who was absolutely certain that he didn’t want anymore children then it would be his personal responsibility.

He shouldn’t feel pressured into having a vasectomy. It is a personal decision based on his own personal feelings about fatherhood.

I get that the birth was traumatic. But that doesn’t mean you can pressure your partner into having a vasectomy.

And I do consider “I just want to ask him” as putting pressure on him if you are adding that “impregnating me is traumatising and all other options of contraception are unacceptable to me and I refuse to compromise.”

Honestly you sound irrationally resentful towards your husband for your difficult pregnancy and birth , it's not like he has any control over that side of things , I don't blame him one bit for not walking to close the door permanently to having more children.
There are other contraceptive options you both can try together but you seem to want to "punish him' somehow.
I think you're right. You marriage may not survive this level of resentment as it's incredibly unlikely you'll get anyone to perform that surgery even if he agreed to it.

Yanbu to have a conversation with him about contraception options.
Yabu to think he should just because you dont want to try other contraception methods.

And there is a non hormonal coil so your issue is fixed there regarding contraception.

Or a diagram with spermicide? Old-school but still quite effective?

1st deliveries are notoriously harder and longer than subsequent ones.

after a horrific first it took me 3 years to pluck up the courage to do it again, only to have a 9lb14oz baby that was fast and needed no pain relief.

no one can predict your next labour, not even a Doctor.

@NeverDropYourMooncup I guess my problem with it all is whilst yes the risk is mine to carry so technically I should be the one to get sterilised I'm still doing that for him for the sake of our sex life. I would quite happily never have sex again. Dp is fine for now, but most likely won't be forever, so I still feel like this all for a cause that I don't care about, just feel like I have to to keep the relationship

@Crazycrazylady I don't hold him accountable. That would be absurd. I'm just resentful that our sex life, the birth of our children and our contraception all seems to fall on my feet. And the best he can offer is to not have sex until he wants sex and then will most likely source it else where!

I would quite happily never have sex again. Dp is fine for now, but most likely won't be forever, so I still feel like this all for a cause that I don't care about, just feel like I have to to keep the relationship

If you don't care about the relationship, or having sex again, then set the poor bloke free.

I do think you need to talk to your GP about PND though.

This is really a conversation you need to have with your partner, OP. Has he said he doesn't want a vasectomy or has the conversation just not taken place? If he doesn't want one, then he shouldn't have one. A vasectomy must also be regarded as permanent, not reversible. Yes, it can sometimes be reversed, but that is very major surgery and it might not work. I wouldn't go there unless you are both done. Another option I haven't noticed mentioned is that you could look at sperm banking. That was mentioned to us as an option before my husband's vasectomy.

Some things we were asked to consider:
How would you feel if something happened to your child? I know you can't replace them but would you want another one?
What if your relationship failed? Would DH still be happy to be sterile at that point or want the option of having more children with a new partner?

I know contraception can be a hassle but there are non-hormonal options available. My DH had a vasectomy because he wanted one. It was always expected it would happen one day. But we did have a few more kids and we were done no matter what.

PS - you are aware that vasectomies can fail, right?