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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect dp to get a vacestomy in 20s.

542 replies

Justmegan · 25/12/2022 23:40

Just that really. Me and dp already have 1dc. Dp 27 I'm 25. Thing is I had a traumatic birth. Me and dps compatability means that we have quite large children together, dc got stuck heart rate dropped... you get the picture. I've been told if I get pregnant to expect that again.

Needless to say we have been crapping ourselves about me getting pregnant Again. Not only because of the birth but the pregnancy was horrible on my body and I really suffered being under 5 ft! I can't and won't take any hormonal contraception as the side effects don't agree with my polosystic ovaries. Dp and me both don't like condoms and I can't feel anything and neither can he. Call it childish but with any feeling there ( we have tried different condom types) it's like humping a wall. I can't tell he isn't in to it and it kills the mood. So we have been avoiding sex.

My thing is that we are engaged and dp says he wants to be married to me. We live together and are a happy family. So it's it unreasonable to expect him to get a (if needs be reversible) vasectomy. He keeps saying he doesn't want to inflict more trauma or a hard pregnancy on me but does nothing about it. He also seems quite happy in our abstinence which is weird to me giving how young we are. I understand because we are so young things can change but at the moment I feel like just letting our sex life turn into non existent for 2 years isn't the answer either. So aibu to ask this?

OP posts:
Changechangychange · 29/12/2022 00:39

BadNomad · 29/12/2022 00:34

"My partner left me last year. I've recently met a new man but I can't have sex with him yet because the risk of death from pregnancy is too great and I can't take birth control nor use condoms. AIBU to ask him to have a vasectomy?"

Or rather, I can use condoms, and birth control, but don’t want to because my friend’s sister’s daughter’s parrot told me some made-up story about a coil, so I’ve never actually tried it.

I don’t want to be abstinent, I don’t want to track my cycle, I don’t want to try any form of contraception, I don’t want to use condoms, I don’t want to be sterilised, and I don’t want to get pregnant. I’m pissed off with my partner for other reasons, how can I make all of this his fault?

Miajk · 29/12/2022 00:43

BadNomad · 29/12/2022 00:34

"My partner left me last year. I've recently met a new man but I can't have sex with him yet because the risk of death from pregnancy is too great and I can't take birth control nor use condoms. AIBU to ask him to have a vasectomy?"

That is 100% a valid point, and I see what you're saying, but at this point OP could pick men who are infertile or had a vasectomy to date (or be single, or wait until menopause, or at that point get sterilised).

In the context of their current life and relationship is it really unfair to expect your partner to consider this as an option? As long as you're both on the same page about not having more kids.

Miajk · 29/12/2022 00:44

Changechangychange · 29/12/2022 00:39

Or rather, I can use condoms, and birth control, but don’t want to because my friend’s sister’s daughter’s parrot told me some made-up story about a coil, so I’ve never actually tried it.

I don’t want to be abstinent, I don’t want to track my cycle, I don’t want to try any form of contraception, I don’t want to use condoms, I don’t want to be sterilised, and I don’t want to get pregnant. I’m pissed off with my partner for other reasons, how can I make all of this his fault?

  • Most people don't want to be abstinent
  • OP and partner both are on the same page about condoms
  • both hormonal and non hormonal BC is not just some harmless walk in the park. Why is it ok for OP to do things to her body and deal with side effects but not for her partner?
BadNomad · 29/12/2022 00:55

Miajk · 29/12/2022 00:43

That is 100% a valid point, and I see what you're saying, but at this point OP could pick men who are infertile or had a vasectomy to date (or be single, or wait until menopause, or at that point get sterilised).

In the context of their current life and relationship is it really unfair to expect your partner to consider this as an option? As long as you're both on the same page about not having more kids.

They're only in their 20s. They don't have sex. He doesn't seem bothered, and she is happy to never do it again. Does that sound like a relationship that has a future? In the context of their current relationship, neither should do anything that will permanently remove their fertility.

MintyFreshOne · 29/12/2022 02:33

both hormonal and non hormonal BC is not just some harmless walk in the park. Why is it ok for OP to do things to her body and deal with side effects but not for her partner?

because one is permanent and the others are not? Why ask a man in his twenties to sterilise himself? They aren’t even married and he’s not likely done having children! No ethical doctor would do it anyway

Strawberrycream1 · 29/12/2022 08:36

I have severe PCOS and endometriosis, had 8 gynae surgeries and years and years of pain. I had a mirena coil fitted by my hospital consultant (under general anaesthetic) and it’s made such an amazing difference. I too resisted it for the last 6 years due to worries about it but honestly it’s no problem at all.

SoupDragon · 29/12/2022 08:48

both hormonal and non hormonal BC is not just some harmless walk in the park. Why is it ok for OP to do things to her body and deal with side effects but not for her partner?

well, she is adamant that she does not want to be pregnant ever again.

MintyFreshOne · 29/12/2022 10:23

Strawberrycream1 · 29/12/2022 08:36

I have severe PCOS and endometriosis, had 8 gynae surgeries and years and years of pain. I had a mirena coil fitted by my hospital consultant (under general anaesthetic) and it’s made such an amazing difference. I too resisted it for the last 6 years due to worries about it but honestly it’s no problem at all.

I have heard from actual obgyns that Mirena has been a game changer for women with heavy horrible periods as well as PCOS. The number of women getting hysterectomies has plummeted because of it

Shame OP is being so stubborn as to not even try

LlynTegid · 29/12/2022 10:26

Would a vasectomy be available for someone in their 20s via the NHS?

Dogsogdog · 29/12/2022 12:44

The mini pill was a game changer for me after years of problems with the combined. You have to try different methods to find one that works

Whattodoaboutnothing2022 · 29/12/2022 13:18

If you’re the one who doesn’t want to be pregnant again because it’s dangerous for your body then the onus is on you to get sterilised. Completely unreasonable and entitled to force that on your partner and act like he’s being unreasonable for not wanting to do that to HIS body.

Whattodoaboutnothing2022 · 29/12/2022 13:20

SoupDragon · 26/12/2022 18:07

There is talk on here about what if he wants to have kids with someone else - well as the two of you are due to marry this summer, I'd hope he'd put your needs above that of a potential hypothetical future partner 🙃

Except it is the OP who is adamant she doesn't want any more children with anyone. If she doesn't want more that is her choice and she should take the necessary steps to ensure that's the case.

Exactly! Yet some people on here are more than happy to say he SHOULD get HIS body altered which he doesn’t want to do!

Lavender14 · 30/12/2022 01:04

MintyFreshOne · 29/12/2022 10:23

I have heard from actual obgyns that Mirena has been a game changer for women with heavy horrible periods as well as PCOS. The number of women getting hysterectomies has plummeted because of it

Shame OP is being so stubborn as to not even try

I found the mirena horrendous tbh and I felt like the risk of side effects was really downplayed, gp was very much like it's amazing, might be a little sore for a few weeks while it settles but should be grand. I still had horrendous periods every month while on it and pain so bad that I had to come out of work for the first few weeks after insertion. I found getting it in pretty awful (fainted during but they do say it's worse if you haven't had children yet) and I was so scared that it would be equally painful getting it out (plus was worried about having no other reliable option) that I left it in for two years. I had constant pain for the first year and a half, my libido disappeared completely and I grew a little bit of a beard having never been an overly hairy person in my life. I really felt like the impact was undersold and if I'd known that could happen I'd have thought twice before getting it. I'd also have had it out way earlier if I'd known the removal would be so straightforward. So I don't think it's fair to just dismiss ops concerns regarding it.

MintyFreshOne · 30/12/2022 04:49

I found the mirena horrendous tbh and I felt like the risk of side effects was really downplayed, gp was very much like it's amazing

The other good thing is that the Mirena is completely reversible and can be easily taken out (as u say) so there’s no reason why she can’t try it, other than she’s being stubborn.

One cannot predict how it will work for a specific individual hiwever most do very well on it, but some like you do not ofc

Furries · 30/12/2022 05:26

At the end of the day, being an adult human female is shit.

There are lots of things we can rant and rail at - and quite rightly.

The one thing we can’t change is biology. When it comes down to the basics, we CANNOT change biology (no matter how some factions seem to think we can).

WE need to be responsible for our bodies, for our protection re pregnancy. There is no point railing about how it isn’t fair. There will NEVER be a day when a man can get pregnant and give birth. That is a basic, biological, fact.

Nothing can be done to change that. So, the most important thing women can do is to own that fact and act accordingly.

Do men get off lightly in this respect? Hell, yeah! Can we do anything to change the fundamental and biological fact? Err, no.

No man should, ever, have the right to expect what a woman should do regards to her fertility. Her body, her choice. But no woman should expect a man to cut off his chance to fertility.

Sadly, due to biology, the responsibility falls to the woman. Not to “protect” or “enable” men. But to make the decision for themselves.

I am old enough now to sort the wheat from the chaff. And I can categorically say that I would still never rely on a man to be my source of contraception. For him, it doesn’t really matter if it fails. It will ALWAYS matter for the woman. And, sadly, that is why the onus will always need to be on women.

mg2397 · 30/12/2022 16:53

Have you considered other barrier methods? Femidoms, diaphragm, cap etc? There's no reason for them not to be explored and you won't know how they feel until you've used them. Seems a lot less drastic to try first and won't affect you hormonally.

Serenitymummy · 31/12/2022 10:25

OP please look into getting some counselling. There's so much to this and you're not going to get the answers you want here. But for your relationship, your kid and your own mental health, you need someone to talk to.

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