To hire a nanny for weekends my husband is working

[woofwoof71]

This Christmas, as I imagine most of the UK right now, we are all ill. We’ve had strep, food poisoning and now flu. Happens every year right?

My husband has recently gone back to work after being injured so for the last 6 months parenting and family life has been great and he’s helped with nursery runs etc and I’ve got used to having him around. However he’s a shift worker and I’m dreading him going back to work. He has every Friday off to look after our little boy and I work from home so we manage it more like 50/50 between us and he often will then go and do a nightshift for 12 hours on a Friday night.

Now 5 weekends in a row he will be working both Sat and Sun 6.30am - 6.30pm (the next 5 he would be off) meaning he leaves before baby is awake and gets back when he’s already asleep or just going in his cot. And I find these weekends totally overwhelming. I work a hard job Mon-Fri and I find the weekends I have to do everything by myself just totally and utterly exhausting to the point I’m constantly run down or getting ill. We have no family within 3 hours of us so don’t get ANY help, if baby is ill and we’re I’ll it’s tough shit.

I earn enough money that I could hire a nanny for the afternoons or mornings to help out and just give me a bit of rest bite. However my family have arrived for Xmas and when explaining they’ve said ‘everyone else in the UK manages, I think you’re being very dramatic and unnecessary’.

AIBU to spend my money how I wish and actually look after my own physical and mental health?!

I’m actually loving the phrase “rest bite”, like… just a small amount of rest… a wee bite of rest!

If you can afford it, then yeah, go for it. Even half a day a weekend could help your mental health. I know that others will say you should just get on with it yourself. But you’re right: many others have family help.

not going to lie. But FIL will take DS sometimes for us to get a wee break (ie go for lunch) and it’s bloody wonderful.

also, if you can afford it: outsource as much as you can x

Of course you can do what you like. I spend as much time with my baby as I can, including those weekends when my partner is working all weekend, and I also have no family close by. But just because others do it, doesn't mean you have to. I'd hate to miss all that time with them, and I'd hate for my baby to be spending so much time with paid workers when it was absolutely avoidable.

As pp mentioned, I find it quite sad, and don't envy it at all. Op's is clearly struggling and if giving her baby to somebody else to look after while she reads a book, if that makes her feel better, then she should do it. I hope that it helps you OP.

It's your money. My friend does this as she finds it hard parting on her own.

What is it that you find hard with DS when DH isn't there? Is it must overwhelming? That you need a break? The nights?

My DH works week of days (6.30-6pm) and nights (3pm-3am) and I get where you're coming from I had two DC under 3. But I think if I worked full time (currently on mat leave) I wouldn't want more childcare at weekend. I would however if I had the money outsource everything else. Cleaning. Washing. Ironing. Take away at the weekend. That way I just need to
Spend time with DC

Yes go for it, ignore your family. Have they said the same about the cleaner too? There is nothing wrong with wanting an easier life, some people think parents (women) should just martyr themselves because they themselves have to/had to. People have been out sourcing childcare for centuries and if not they would have had the village around them to help raise the kids. In U.K. we live alone and I don’t think It’s natural for one or two people to just look after the baby, and I personally prefer a nanny for a baby than a nursery, but nobody would bat an eye at someone sending their babies to a nursery but having a nanny seems to get peoples’ backs up 🤔

exactly!

This makes sense to me. I would do it.
You being exhausted, burnt out and resentful is no good for you or your baby.
If you've had a break you are more likely to enjoy the time you have together.

Can you or your partner reduce hours or change shift patterns? Is there anything you or other family members can do to take some of this load from you? Can you move from a nursery to a nanny/nanny share? It's amazing how much time and stress you save from not having to do the pick up and drop offs, and also means they can help with child related jobs and cooking each day.

The current setup clearly isn't sustainable, if you (as a family, not you personally) have lots of practical help and still need half day childcare on both of the 2 days you get to spend with your child. As someone else in a hard job with little support around, I wish I'd reexamined my own time earlier and reorganised things to suit us all better, before burning out.

*when I say the load, I meant of paying your family members' mortgages.. this seems incredibly stressful for you, and again not at all sustainable

This is as me. I worked all week and two weekends out of three my dh worked. No family around. I would definitely do it.Nothing worse for dc to have a dm at the end of her tether.

So your monthly take-home salary is 7500 (if dropping 20% of your hours will mean losing 1500) and you’re considering dumping your child with a nanny so that your husband can make a measly 250 quid? And it is measly compared to what you already have.

Why are you all constantly getting ill? I’d be tempted to spend the money on a cook to make nutritious meals. Plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables. I can’t remember them last time I had a cold. But you write as if you’re all constantly fighting one thing after another. Do you cook? Or rely on convenience foods?

I was going to say it's a no brainer, do it but then when you said you already have a cleaner and don't do chores at weekend, I did wonder what is making the weekend overwhelming, I don't say to that to be unhelpful but I would just make sure the nanny is around and doing the tasks you are really struggling with and that you also look at overall routine of weekends too. Perhaps you could use an occasional babysitter when you need some me time at first before committing to a constant nanny.

Also I did have a giggle at rest bite :p

I think the OP should write a book on how she went from an 80k salary to over 150k in less than 2 years including a break for maternity leave. Other women here can only dream of that and despite laws being in place to protect working women we all know the reality is very different.

Advanced search and a spectacular name-change fail tell a different story to what we see here.

Must be all the surveys on the earn £10 a day threads.

£1500 a month for dropping one day a week = £1500 for 4.5 days, or £333 a day. Not far off the £250 a day the husband makes. Since when is £500/week (the amount the husband makes over working the weekend) “measly”? What is probably trivial to the OP’s finances is the cost of a nanny for two half-days in order for the OP to get some downtime and not burn herself out. That certainly seems like a no-brainer.

As for the getting ill point, there are no children in my household yet we have been ill on and off for months, as have many people we know. Read one of the dozens of threads about the winter bug and illnesses going round.

Turns out there’s some really nasty people on here. Yes I did go from 80k to 150k because I moved jobs when I returned from mat leave and I now get a bonus which is 75% of my base salary which was also increased.

I did name change, not sure why that’s an issue other than to try and avoid witch hunters like yourself.

The £10 a day threads have been super helpful, my mum had to give up work due to ill health and I joined Appen to try it out to see if she could do it from home. She can and she’s been able to look after her health as a result.

My take home isn’t £7500. It’s a lot less as I pay 3 mortgages.

I appreciate the helpful comments. Sad to see that on Christmas Day the witch hunters are out though. Enjoying all that time with their darling children yet still have time for mumsnet.

Don't let it get you down - merry Christmas and look after yourself.

Do what works for you. Everybody's different. (I would 100% do it)

Precisely.

You know what;when my mother in law passed away (she was in her 60's) one of our neighbours (in her 80's) wrote us a lovely note in which she shared some memories of my mum in law,my mum in law had grown up on the same street we live on now;one of the memories she shared was as a teenager on Saturday mornings my mum in law would babysit (she was paid) so that my neighbour could get much needed things done that she found hard to do with two small children at home.

My point is;if a 1960's housewife needed childcare one morning a week for respite and time to get things done then a mum in 2022 who works full time and who's alone at the weekends can hire a sitter guilt free to help her out a couple of hours on weekend days and can afford it then so be it.

You'll often find those who judge you for it are jealous.

@woofwoof71 Just do it. It won't be forever but you need it now. You don't need to justify yourself. All you say makes perfect sense. I think most people, had they had the finances to do so, would love to have the flexibility to consider paying for help to make life better.

Just do it and ignore the judgers here. Have confidence that you know best. x

I don’t think you’re being unread to spend your money as you please but I honestly don’t think I would struggle in the situation as you describe. Most people do this level of work/childcare.

My son and DIL have baby twins and a 3 year old. Som gets up at 5am does first feed brings mum a cuppa, leaves for work at 6.30 returns at 5. DIL has 3 children feeds nappies nursery run...walk of 20 mins up steep hill, when son gets in he takes over baby care and baths while mum cooks. Mum goes to work 6pm to 9. Weekends mum works 9 to 4 does childcare......you have it easy.

I don't really understand this opt out of parenting logic. Are you planning on having any more children OP? Gently, I would give serious consideration to having just the one DC if you struggle with basic parenting.

The MH comments are interesting. I'm assuming you feel they are genetic in your family and they appear to be quite serious. It is likely then that perhaps your DC may well have them when they grow up? Based on this, I would be trying to create as secure environment for them as possible, to ensure they feel loved and stable. You may think it's fine for paid help to do almost all the parenting but I promise you, there will be an impact on your child and their relationship with you.

You're clearly unsure as you are posting on here, but your wording focuses a lot on 'me me me' and your issues and your wants. Nothing really about what's best for your child, either now or their future development. Maybe try focus on them above your own needs, that may well give you an answer to your predicament.