To hire a nanny for weekends my husband is working

[woofwoof71]

This Christmas, as I imagine most of the UK right now, we are all ill. We’ve had strep, food poisoning and now flu. Happens every year right?

My husband has recently gone back to work after being injured so for the last 6 months parenting and family life has been great and he’s helped with nursery runs etc and I’ve got used to having him around. However he’s a shift worker and I’m dreading him going back to work. He has every Friday off to look after our little boy and I work from home so we manage it more like 50/50 between us and he often will then go and do a nightshift for 12 hours on a Friday night.

Now 5 weekends in a row he will be working both Sat and Sun 6.30am - 6.30pm (the next 5 he would be off) meaning he leaves before baby is awake and gets back when he’s already asleep or just going in his cot. And I find these weekends totally overwhelming. I work a hard job Mon-Fri and I find the weekends I have to do everything by myself just totally and utterly exhausting to the point I’m constantly run down or getting ill. We have no family within 3 hours of us so don’t get ANY help, if baby is ill and we’re I’ll it’s tough shit.

I earn enough money that I could hire a nanny for the afternoons or mornings to help out and just give me a bit of rest bite. However my family have arrived for Xmas and when explaining they’ve said ‘everyone else in the UK manages, I think you’re being very dramatic and unnecessary’.

AIBU to spend my money how I wish and actually look after my own physical and mental health?!

‘a mum wanting help with childcare at the weekend because she should "treasure every moment" and be "making memories"’

Yes. The ones coming out with this crap are either envious or have zero identity other than their ‘mummy’ status.

Not nice!

1500 per month drop in salary if you do 4 days rather than five? Suggesting you are a very high earner and that fifth day would almost certainly be 40% tax if I'm understanfing correctly.

Obviously I don't know rest of your circumstances, but is there more to this and you feel you can't reduce your hours or something. I know how it can feel impossible, but offen it really isn't. I'm currently changing to 3 days a week to spend time with my little one, not get too exhaustedand have some life balance. They are only little for a short time.

45% tax. I don’t want to reduce my hours. I love my job, I have great flexibility, as I work when he’s in bed so I get 2 hours with him in the morning before nursery and then I collect him at 4 so I get 3 hours with him in the evening before bed. I get 5 hours a day with him, and nursery have him 9-4 and he sleeps 2.5 hours of that. We have a great balance.

I could cut my hours to 4 days a week but it makes no financial sense to do so.

Op you say you "wouldn't put your kid in childcare 7 days a week" but you're talking about putting him in child care 6 days a week so not much difference. Not really sure why you had a child when you apparently don't want to actually parent him at any point? You work 5 full days, dh has your kid one of those days, then on the 2 days a week you're in charge you're going to hire more childcare? Of course your son sees his keyworker as a second mum, he spends considerably more time with her than his actual mum. Unfortunately she isn't his mum. She's a paid employee. She doesn't love your son, she is just doing her job. Your son could grow up with a ton of issues from all this delegation of parenting to people who don't actually love him

Absolutely do what you need to do to make life easier. If it's affordable and will help, go for it. Life can be a treadmill sometimes between work, chores and the hard parts of family like and it can make it difficult to enjoy the good bits. I understand that some people don't have the spare income to do what you're suggesting (myself included - so I'm not just standing in the corner of the wealthy) but if you do, go for it.

I am also a 45% tax payer. It made no financial sense for me to cut my hours when I went back to work after maternity leave but I did so to spend more time with my child. It’s cost me around £45k (pre tax) per year to do it but I am lucky enough to be able to take the financial hit - you sound like you could do the same. If you don’t want to that’s obviously completely fine but it’s not a purely financial calculation like you seem to be suggesting.

If you want a break over the weekend then that’s understandable (though not everyone does). Personally I wouldn’t get a nanny for any of the weekend if my DC were in nursery five days a week. Could you do it on an ad hoc basis when you feel in particular need or maybe for one half day at the weekend rather than two? I would want to keep at least one full day with DC so that you can do things with them.

Ultimately it’s completely up to you and if you feel there’s a genuine risk of not doing this impacting your health then you should do it. Others may have opinions but it’s your decision. Not something I would do though.

My partner works a lot of weekend if I had the money I'd pay for some weekend childcare
I dread weekends and it's made me realise how hard it is for all my friends who are single parents - hats off to you all x

Absolutely do it, look after yourself.

Everyone's career prospects and work situation are different though, and kids don't magically stop needing you at any age really. Sometimes it's easier to do the FT pre school age, move up and fight for more flexibility later. Going PT with the economy the way it is isn't a great signal either.

I’m not sure it’s me with the issues here. I won’t bother arguing, I’m glad you found the recipe for being the perfect parent.

My son is loved beyond comprehension.

Can’t afford it financially (I pay both my parents mortgages due to suicide attempts as well as my own) and I don’t want to drop my hours, and that’s ok.

my child doesn’t go to nursery 5 days a week.

They are envious, op. Don't let them guilt you. There are children who had one or both parents at home and were neglected. It's not the amount of hours together, it's the quality of interaction and whatever it takes to keep you, the mother, healthy, sane, happy and alive is time well worth it. You will be a better mother for it.
Why is what op is doing any different than grandparents taking the child for half a day a week and then having a babysitter so they go on a date or gets her hair done or something. It's this mentality that you have to be a martyr to your children for them to be happy is very damaging. I honestly think it's jealousy.

I'm not sure why you are even posting. If you want to, of course you can do this. It's not weird. Do what you want.

Seriously, criticism isn't always borne out of jealousy.

OP you may not even realise how many times you've mentioned suicide in your replies but that fear seems to be impacting you hugely and I'd urge you to please speak to someone about it before your DC gets much older. One of my parents had significant MH issues and it made me a very nervous, anxious child. One of my siblings has suffered hugely because of it. Don't mind what people say on here about your home situation. Do whatever works. But please do speak to someone. You're putting huge pressure on yourself.

If you can afford it give it a go.

100% do it and feel zero guilt

You aren’t being unreasonable at all. Babies are hard work and whatever you need to do to make your time with them manageable for you, you should do. A happy mom with her kid for 4 hours is better than a stressed out mom for 8 hours.

The “but what would you actually DO while the nanny is looking after your baby” comments are utterly ridiculous.

How about all the things I (child free) can do? Like take a bath undisturbed, read a book, go to the gym, meet a friend for coffee etc.?

Life doesn’t have to be awful just because you had a baby. If you can afford to throw money at problems, then do it. Money is there to make your life easier! As someone said upthread, there are no medals for this shit.

Good luck OP - I am always delighted to read about a woman who loves her career and seems to be thriving in it. 🥰

Wow I actually find this thread really concerning. I think the OP obviously has poor mental health, a history of poor mental health within the wider family. Her child goes to nursery 4 days a week, husband has the child 1 day a week and she wants to put the poor child in more childcare so she doesn't have to spend 2 days with them herself. Real attachment concerns for me, certainly not something to be "envious" about. I'd be heartbroken if I felt this way about my children and spending time with them.
I have a full on career myself, extremely busy through the week, very work orientated, one child in school, 1 child in nursery BUT those weekends with my 2 young children might be hard but I cram as much time and love into them as possible.

It's just very very sad.

YANBU about the money but I really doubt whether this will work- I could be wrong but when I am in the house if I tried to get my kids to stay with a nanny/ sitter they were having none of it, especially as they got older. I do think it could also be a bit confusing to have a nursery worker babysitting so regularly at home, and it also seems like you’d be putting a lot of reliance on that one person- how would it work if they left? Like others have suggested I’d be trying to outsource other things or prepare in advance with your DH so you can get all of the tedious stuff done before the weekend. We had no family help and I worked full time but actually I really enjoyed my weekend time with my kids so long as I wasn’t also trying to fit in a load of housework/ cooking too.

Haven't read the whole thread but I do this - when husband is away with work over a weekend I arrange for their childminder (who they see every day after school and adore) to come for a few hours Saturday morning. I go to the gym, have a coffee, read a book - have a bit of me time, and come back to the kids feeling recharged and refreshed.

Our childminder is like a favourite auntie - plenty of kids spend a few hours at the weekend with family and no one would think anything of it.

If you can afford it, I don't see why not

You have a cleaner,your dh does half of everything but you want someone else to look after your child at weekends as well ?
seems very indulgent but you defend what you want very well.

Just do it.

You can afford it. The child knows the carer. It will help you out. It’s cost effective. It will benefit you and your child.

why do you even care what others’ think?