To hire a nanny for weekends my husband is working

[woofwoof71]

This Christmas, as I imagine most of the UK right now, we are all ill. We’ve had strep, food poisoning and now flu. Happens every year right?

My husband has recently gone back to work after being injured so for the last 6 months parenting and family life has been great and he’s helped with nursery runs etc and I’ve got used to having him around. However he’s a shift worker and I’m dreading him going back to work. He has every Friday off to look after our little boy and I work from home so we manage it more like 50/50 between us and he often will then go and do a nightshift for 12 hours on a Friday night.

Now 5 weekends in a row he will be working both Sat and Sun 6.30am - 6.30pm (the next 5 he would be off) meaning he leaves before baby is awake and gets back when he’s already asleep or just going in his cot. And I find these weekends totally overwhelming. I work a hard job Mon-Fri and I find the weekends I have to do everything by myself just totally and utterly exhausting to the point I’m constantly run down or getting ill. We have no family within 3 hours of us so don’t get ANY help, if baby is ill and we’re I’ll it’s tough shit.

I earn enough money that I could hire a nanny for the afternoons or mornings to help out and just give me a bit of rest bite. However my family have arrived for Xmas and when explaining they’ve said ‘everyone else in the UK manages, I think you’re being very dramatic and unnecessary’.

AIBU to spend my money how I wish and actually look after my own physical and mental health?!

I would not hire the nursery staff.
Your child is already having 4 full days with that person. Now also 2 half days during weekend in your home. I feel is too much.

If you have a cleaner, just plan to do Nothing on weekends. Buy takeaways. Have groceries delivered.
Just use the time to enjoy your home and your child.

When I worked in childcare I used to do similar for a family with two doctors working alternate shifts. I worked 8-2 on a Saturday morning and literally used to muck in just like a 2nd parent - make a cuppa for each other, play & read stories to the dc, get the kids ready if we went out but mainly just being another adult present. very occasionally taking dc to the park if either parent had to get something urgent done but I wasn't there to replace parents just help. It worked brilliantly and I have very fond memories of those mornings - the dc knew me so there was no issue of wanting to be with mummy/daddy it was whoever was doing something that engaged them. Go for it op it will make your life so much easier and if you can afford it, why the heck not?!

Is sounds like a babysitting arrangement rather than a nanny (who is an employee) and I think (due to peoples association with nanny = posh) if youd said babysitter you would have got different responses.

In my view, you work a demanding job in the week and are looking at caring for very young kids alone all weekend, which means you never get a break at all. No down time. You can afford it. Your kid knows the babysitter from nursery. It will give you the chance to have a couple of hours rest and you will be a better parent the rest of the weekend

It's a no brainer, just do it.

We both worked full time and paid for a full time daily nanny 8am to 6pm. Then when we had the 4th (which was 4th and 5th - twins) I did find someone for Saturday and Sunday mornings 9 - 1pm which was invaluable. We had a sixth former (the teenagers and I were in the house so it was very safe) on Saturdays and someone who by that point was doing 3pm to 6pm week day school picks ups and cooking dinner for the 5 at our house who did Sunday mornings. It was definitely worth it.

I would never have wanted it with my first baby and is would have seemed very wrong at that stage to me. By the time of the last 2 children I could see they adored having someone devoting 100% attention to them all Saturday and Sunday mornings and could drive the other children around to friends' houses or parties or do admin or work.

I think it's a great idea, sounds like you're a high earner and can easily afford it. We're not meant to raise kids alone, and your family are being unreasonable in telling you not to. I wouldn't say it IS the norm in the UK either - the vast majority of people have either a partner or family members they can share the load with on weekends.

Do what you can to make your life easier....no one is handing out medals for this shit.

I did this in similar circs @woofwoof71 knowing you're going to get a break and some head space at the weekend is important. As an anecdotal aside, I was judg-y about a friend who had a nanny 6 days a week when dc were small - 18 years later, her career is stellar and her kids are doing amazingly.

Not hiring help and getting overwhelmed is no good for anyone.

If you can afford it, do it. It’s really tough being a full time working mum. Don’t burn yourself out because other people think you should spend every spare minute with your child.

My partner works every other weekend very long shifts, 12-14 hrs at a time, he's also out before toddler DD is awake and home after she's in bed. We also have absolutely no hands on family support, so it's all on me when he's away on those weekends, and I also work 4 days a week myself so those weekends are a killer. If we had the funds to do this, I'd be going for it! I'd probably get some help in maybe for 4 or so hours of the day on his working weekends, and use that time for a few jobs and showering in peace etc. Go for it, OP!

Put yourself first OP. You need to be in the best mental and physical health and you are putting your baby in the care of a nanny. You are the best mother and person when you are happy and healthy. Work on yourself absolutely, prioritise yourself please.

Lots of parents who work full time will get 3 a few hours without needing to be solely caring for their child at the weekends, either because the other parent is focusing on the children or because grandparents or other family/ friends are round and taking on the bulk of the childcare. I think because you’ve asked about getting a ‘nanny’ it sounds like you want someone else to look after your son for the entire weekend and take on all chores, actually you just want to employ a few hours of home-help in the form of a nursery worker who knows him well. Nothing wrong with somebody else playing with your child for a few hours or taking him out for a morning/ afternoon while you get some time to yourself; grandparents up and down the land do this every weekend without anyone suggesting the parents don’t want to spend any time with their kids!

If you can afford it then damn well do it. My cousin was run ragged during the week running her own business. She was a permanently stressed and exhausted Mummy with her young DC. In the end she used a weekend nanny and suddenly was a much better and more energised Mummy. It's all about quality over quantity.

Rest bite? Yabu just for that.

All of this! If we had local grandparents or other family they'd be spending time with DD on my partner's working weekends to help me out (they've said as much, that they would do this if they were closer). It's no different to this, just an alternative.

Do it! Personally though I go out! Go to the gym / cinema / see friends. Just see it as hiring a babysitter for a few hours rather than having a nanny. We did it when baby was young as we had 3 kids and I was shattered!

Your money, your choice. I think if I was in your position, I'd use a babysitter at the weekend for something specific, like looking after the baby for three hours while I went to the gym/for a run/got my haircut/met a friend for lunch/went to the cinema. I'd find it weird and difficult just to relax in the house while someone else was playing with my baby. But horses for course.

Do it. If a half day at the weekend gives you some breathing space and keeps you sane then do it. Your child will be fine and you will have more energy for him/her. It is no one else's business.

If you can afford it then do it. Doesn’t have to be set in stone if you find, down the path, it’s not working for you. Say, review in 3 months and be honest about this with your nanny. Sounds like you have someone ideal lined up. “Everyone else in the UK” is not coping; just read all the posts on here about working parents feeling overwhelmed, and posts asking for advice on housekeepers, mother’s helps, nannies etc. YANBU to try something new that may ease your weekends and set you up better for the week ahead.

YANBU to hire a nanny if you can afford to and think it will benefit your life.

YABU to expect your family to be especially sympathetic to whinging about how overwhelmingly hard it is for you to do your job and look after your one child with regular help from your partner, especially when you already have a cleaner doing the housework. And doubly so if you've expressed to them that one of the reasons for your percieved hardship is that they live too far away to provide the free help you think you're entitled to.

If a nanny is a luxury you can indulge great but they ANBU to point out it's not necessary and you are very dramatic to think living without one is such a struggle when the other 99% just get on and manage.

When I had my youngest child, there was a period of about nine months where she went to nursery 4 days a week and I only worked 3 days a week. It was bloody brilliant and if I had another child I’d do it again!

I know loads of SAHMs who have their kids in childcare a couple of days per week (on average) and nobody bats an eyelid. And some of them have family help too!

Why the hell not? I absolutely don't see the issue. You'd still have plenty of quality time with your children and you would get the rest you'd probably have if you shared childcare. It's a no brainer to me.

It’s very hard work doing it all on your own. People forget once they’re not in the trenches with very young children. You have no family help or support. Running yourself into the ground won’t help anyone. Get the help and put yourself first! It’s not your family’s decision and they should support you or keep out of it.

If you’re not doing chores on the weekend, what is it you need help with? Parenting?

I agree. Just do it. Doesn't even have to be every weekend (I'm guessing the nursery worker might want a weekend off herself sometimes) but it sounds like a good arrangement to me.

I was a sahm but my ex worked long hours at the weekend and I always found the weekends awful as we were in a nice routine during the week but there was nothing on at the weekend and it used to feel like everyone else in the world had their dh at home and were having lovey family time while I was slogging away with three little ones on my own (one with special needs which made it virtually impossible for me to take them all out on my own) If I could have employed someone Friday night to Monday morning, I would have! As much for adult company for me as anything else, so perhaps an old fashioned 'mothers help' rather than a sole charge nanny.

Doesn't matter what everyone else does (and plenty of people don't just 'get on with it' - as others have said, children go to grandparents for at least part of the weekend or whatever) so just do what works for you. It's not forever. By the time my youngest was about 8, I loved the weekends.

People always fixate on cleaning on here. I don’t know why, because while it’s lovely to have someone do your cleaning, it doesn’t make parenting a small child any less exhausting or relentless.