To hire a nanny for weekends my husband is working

[woofwoof71]

This Christmas, as I imagine most of the UK right now, we are all ill. We’ve had strep, food poisoning and now flu. Happens every year right?

My husband has recently gone back to work after being injured so for the last 6 months parenting and family life has been great and he’s helped with nursery runs etc and I’ve got used to having him around. However he’s a shift worker and I’m dreading him going back to work. He has every Friday off to look after our little boy and I work from home so we manage it more like 50/50 between us and he often will then go and do a nightshift for 12 hours on a Friday night.

Now 5 weekends in a row he will be working both Sat and Sun 6.30am - 6.30pm (the next 5 he would be off) meaning he leaves before baby is awake and gets back when he’s already asleep or just going in his cot. And I find these weekends totally overwhelming. I work a hard job Mon-Fri and I find the weekends I have to do everything by myself just totally and utterly exhausting to the point I’m constantly run down or getting ill. We have no family within 3 hours of us so don’t get ANY help, if baby is ill and we’re I’ll it’s tough shit.

I earn enough money that I could hire a nanny for the afternoons or mornings to help out and just give me a bit of rest bite. However my family have arrived for Xmas and when explaining they’ve said ‘everyone else in the UK manages, I think you’re being very dramatic and unnecessary’.

AIBU to spend my money how I wish and actually look after my own physical and mental health?!

Oh how the other half live eh? You already outsource chores etc. So I really don't see why you're so exhausted. But if you have the funds to do so and want to, you do it. Spare a thought for us full time working lone parents who just have to get on with it though.

Well it possibly is a bit dramatic and unnecessary, but it's your life, your money and your child, so if you feel that it is what you need to do to get through then do it.

I don't see why not. If you have the resources then I say do whatever to make life easier. Happy Mum happy child.

Presumably your partner doesn’t work Monday to Thursday if he’s also working 24 hours over the weekend? Will your child still be doing one day with parents, 4 full nursery days and 2 half days with childcare? That’s not a lot of time with parents for a young child. And the nursery worker will be working 7 days a week?

"Happy Mum, Happy Child" is a load of shit. Own your decisions.

I could have been the happiest person in the world, ds would still have cried because his feet pointed in the wrong direction or such like.

Please have a very "unmumsnetty" hug from me. You are a hero with a big heart- I wish I could lend a hand, hope things improve for you soon - you have a good generous soul to wish the op with all her good fortune well (who is under pressure too). It's not a competition to the bottom - but sometimes it feels that way on here. Take care hope you enjoy Christmas with your little ones and you get a break soon. xx

Do it! You’ll be around anyway, baby already knows the carer, You can afford. Why the hell not? Baby is not really losing out on time with you but you are getting a break. It’s a bit like having another family member about, to hold baby while you have a shower etc. Honestly, don’t think twice. I’ve read all your posts on this and it makes total sense. I would do it ina heartbeat

'Everyone else' may manage but because they might have to! Whatever works for you. If you afford it why not?

I am sure there are countless arguments as to why people should buy a washing machine/tumble dryer/dishwasher. I am sure come people can manage without but it is their choice.

If you can afford it, do it, you do not need anyone else's approval or to justify yourself to family! I found some people can be a bit funny about this sort of thing as they are jealous. My son has a nanny whilst I work and we sometimes use her for a break at weekends as well, it really helps! Plus now he is attached to the nanny we do shared care which is such a help and also means I get to be around my son but with extra help. We have no family support, not even emotional/advice let alone practical so she is another supportive adult in his life. Works well for us.

Do it! It’s just a few hours. No one would judge you in the slightest if you said grandma was going to spend the afternoon with your kid.

Ignore the envious ones. Do what you need to do, OP.

There are no medals for wearing yourself out in parenting if you have the wherewithal to make it easier.

I'm a single parent to 3 including toddler twins.....would I want weekend childcare help if I could afford it...not really? Id rather spend the money outsourcing a cleaner, ironing, sending someone to do the weekly shop, even someone to cook some meals for us. Weekends are time with my children when I work full time all week I don't want to then give up the 2 days I do have with them. It's time you will never get back.

(Their father has very limited involvement and I don't have any family within 2 hours either)

Not judging at all. Everyone parents and manages differently

Not everything has to come from a place of jealousy and envy.

I feel very sorry for your little boy, OP.
Get a cleaner, get takeaway meals, but to pay someone else to have him at weekends is very sad.
If you want to focus on your mental health, then reduce working hours in the week when he is at nursery.
Poor child.

Thanks for all the useful responses. Probably worth mentioning that my family have a history of mental health issues and I lost my brother to suicide 10 years ago. So I’m conscious that sometimes I can spiral when overwhelmed and want to avoid repeating history.

I absolutely spare a though for all single mums and those who desperately need a break, but it’s not on me to solve that crisis single handedly. I donate to food banks, I donate to local charities every month, there is a limited amount I can do to solve other peoples issues.

Unfortunately with Nursery I have to have the same days every week. So yes my husband could be off Mon-Thurs if that’s the way his shifts fall and baby is at nursery. Incredibly rare mind. Annoying but nothing that can be done about that.

Won’t be reading any more responses as will be enjoying Christmas with loved ones. Thanks again for all those who supported.

Not sure you saw my previous posts. Nursery Mon-Thurs. Fridays all day with myself and husband. Husband works 6 on 2 off, but that obviously changes each week. I certainly wouldn’t be sending my child to childcare 7 days a week

They will have childcare 6 days a week though, that's quite a lot for one baby (and I say that as someone who has had nannies, works FT, and is generally very supportive of getting extra care).

Why are you both off with your child on Fridays, instead of splitting it so there's either less childcare or more free time for you during the week?

And where is your husband in all this? If he's 6/2 with such long hours, then he often has an extra day off during the week (and/or some part time days) during which he does... what? And why can't he look after the baby when he gets home at 6.30pm, so you can shower or eat in peace?

A babysitter is fine, but if you've already outsourced all the chores, you need to look at sorting out the underlying issues, it shouldn't have to be this hard.

Have a lovely Christmas, may you find peace.

What you are describing is not far off what some people have in the form of family/ invested grandparents and aunts uncles . I brought mine up without any and worked full time too… I had a breakdown. As I had essentially had no days off in 18 plus years

If your DH is working 24 hours pw at the weekends, does he not have some additional time off in the week to look after your child to balance out parental care with childcare? Is the nursery happy that the worker would be doing additional work, so if she works full time would be working 21 days with no full day off. In lots of roles you are expected to get permission to take a second job as it impacts on your R and R. Apart from that, a few hours break at the weekends sounds a good idea if you are struggling.

So do what you want to make your family and career work. Xx

Definitely get some help, OP, if you need and can afford it. I’ve heard my mother use an old fashioned term “a mother’s help”. If you can get someone to help with the child and any other activities like cleaning/organising/washing, this will give you breathing space. I understand a nanny only does a very prescribed role.

I am a single mum working full time with a disabled child and I have a cleaner in once a week. I would have her in twice if I could. Also if you find someone your child likes, then you and your partner can get out for a child free evening.

Sanity is important!

Has the woman who - just like you - works hard all week looking after your child and loads of others said she's keen to spend her weekends working?

Hi @woofwoof71 , I feel for you, parenting is hard and different set ups have different challenges. I’m not sure if you are proposing one half day per weekend or two, and just on the weekends your husband is working or every weekend? I would go for half a day when he is working and also think about adapting your own routine to make life more manageable eg when your husband isn’t working one lie in each at the weekend (there’s a reason God made the weekend two days 😀), every Sunday afternoon is film time, one night a week you go to bed really early, work on your child’s sleep if that’s an issue etc. I get that you’re on your knees and need a break, but medium term you and your child both need this time together. Good luck xx

Why are you both off with your child on Fridays, instead of splitting it so there's either less childcare or more free time for you during the week?

The DH is off on Fridays, OP WFH on Fridays so she is around but not looking after her DC

It sounds ideal. Affordable. Someone you know and are comfortable with and could go out and leave him with. Or let them go to a park or a soft play etc.

I think as a short term solution after a run of ill health and bad luck and to help you all get back on an even keel i would do it. Why be a martyr if you have a viable solution to help you avoid total burnout. What other peoples thresholds are is irrelevant. Life is tough sometimes and if you can ease something why not. Many people in that situation would rope in grandparents for an extra pair of hands on those weekends. You dont have that option so are looking for creative solutions.

The hours you will then be with your DC and DP you will be less exhausted and frazzled.

Try it and see how it goes.