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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She just got up and left

218 replies

Lotzana · 19/12/2022 22:38

I do a weekly language course and tonight was the Christmas party with our group and other more advanced learner groups. Some of our group were sat in a circle and given some fairly difficult Christmas language tasks to do (we're beginners). One of regular ladies in the class turned up and placed herself outside the circle, didn't say hello, only to the teacher.

We were all getting on with tasks and chatting and hadn't really noticed her as she was sat slightly away from everyone and not saying anything. Perhaps someone should have said something but we were a bit absorbed by the tasks and struggling with them to be honest. There was no malice or bad vibes going on towards anyone.

The teacher came along to give her a task and encourage her to get involved with the rest of the group. At this point, she got up and declared she was leaving and never coming back! She said while she liked the teacher, she didn't enjoy the overall experience and found all of our group cliquey!

AIBU to think this was an overreaction and she must have issues? It's a weekly language class, not high school! All she had to do was pull up a chair within the circle and tag onto the task. Instead she chose to sit away from people and then complain she'd been slighted and then leave rather than join us!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lotzana · 19/12/2022 22:41

I was quite taken aback and now wondering if I or one of the others should have noticed more and tried to bring her into the fold. These situations can be so awkward but I think she's wrong to assume the worst of us and that we were somehow against her

OP posts:
ThanksAntsThants · 19/12/2022 22:41

Maybe she just didn’t enjoy it? Who knows.

HowDoWeDoThisPlease · 19/12/2022 22:44

How would you have felt if you had arrived late, were maybe a little shy, and the rest of your group completely blanked you whilst they were all there getting along and chatting together?🤷‍♀️

Dacadactyl · 19/12/2022 22:45

I think sometimes that those of us who are more outgoing and extroverted need to be aware of our behaviour and how others may perceive it.

I personally would've pulled up a chair, let you all know I was there and got stuck in, but other people would find being so blatant excruciating.

I think you should've been more aware of her arrival and tried to include her. However, I do think she has taken something personally when she shouldn't have.

SunshineClouds1 · 19/12/2022 22:47

You realised she turned up late, said hello to the teacher and just sat there but you couldn't say hello to her yourself?

Justcallmebebes · 19/12/2022 22:47

I think the teacher should have taken control and brought her into the group. Awkward but I can see how she felt unwelcome

Original poster
Lotzana · 19/12/2022 22:48

@HowDoWeDoThisPlease it wasn't a deliberate slight though as she suggested. It was more of an oversight. Others arrived late yoo and plonked themselves down and got on with it and got involved

OP posts:
gamerchick · 19/12/2022 22:49

It was a Christmas party? I wouldn't be expecting tasks to do.

Original poster
Lotzana · 19/12/2022 22:51

It was quite a dull affair to be honest and as the tasks were difficult people were struggling with them and it wasn't exactly conducive to a really social atmosphere

OP posts:
AfricanAmericanFriday · 19/12/2022 22:53

Probably it was not the first time she felt left-out and today’s occasion was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Vaccine001 · 19/12/2022 22:53

Seems to me.you ignored her YABU.

Sparklesocks · 19/12/2022 22:53

Even if it wasn’t intended I could see how she might’ve been anxious about joining the conversations already in full flow without acknowledging her, even if her response was a bit extreme

Original poster
Lotzana · 19/12/2022 22:53

Dacadactyl · 19/12/2022 22:45

I think sometimes that those of us who are more outgoing and extroverted need to be aware of our behaviour and how others may perceive it.

I personally would've pulled up a chair, let you all know I was there and got stuck in, but other people would find being so blatant excruciating.

I think you should've been more aware of her arrival and tried to include her. However, I do think she has taken something personally when she shouldn't have.

I agree, I'm an introvert myself and I find these things awkward but I understand sometimes you have to push yourself a bit. You can't just sit away from people and then expect everyone to come up to you - you have to try and get involved and not take things personally

OP posts:
Logginglogger · 19/12/2022 22:55

You weren’t so absorbed op, you saw her come in, saw her say hello, saw her sit alone. It would have taken nothing to say hi, bring your chair in here etc, but you didnt

and now you’re on here slagging her off.

Original poster
Lotzana · 19/12/2022 22:55

AfricanAmericanFriday · 19/12/2022 22:53

Probably it was not the first time she felt left-out and today’s occasion was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

She'd partnered with people a few times in class but did seem more interested in just talking to the teacher in the breaks rather than the other people.

OP posts:
GLADragss · 19/12/2022 22:55

For me, I know how to be social when I need to, but at my current workplace I don’t bother with the people there socially as I cannot stand them. So I could imagine purposefully excluding myself like that😁but like I said, I am sociable when I need to be so I have no problems at work. People probably haven’t noticed I can’t stand the clique.

however in this situation, the person could have made some effort to make conversation with the rest of the class. Bear in mind though they probably irrationally felt like it was them vs everyone else.

Logginglogger · 19/12/2022 22:57

I can’t believe you wrote she’s got issues like it was an insult.

whatever happened to mental health awareness. Yes, she possibly did have issues op, so?

Original poster
Lotzana · 19/12/2022 23:02

GLADragss · 19/12/2022 22:55

For me, I know how to be social when I need to, but at my current workplace I don’t bother with the people there socially as I cannot stand them. So I could imagine purposefully excluding myself like that😁but like I said, I am sociable when I need to be so I have no problems at work. People probably haven’t noticed I can’t stand the clique.

however in this situation, the person could have made some effort to make conversation with the rest of the class. Bear in mind though they probably irrationally felt like it was them vs everyone else.

Yes I think she felt we were all against her but nothing like that at all. The rest of the group couldn't understand what went wrong, all a big misunderstanding

OP posts:
Hillrunning · 19/12/2022 23:02

Poor woman, sounds like she was very upset. Did anyone make an effort once she made her announcement?

You post reeks of defensiveness and so I think you must have some feelings that you could have done more

2ManyPjs · 19/12/2022 23:03

Regardless of whether you're a cliquey group, she was clearly upset. You never know what other people are going through - what if she'd been building up to doing this class for a long time in order to deal with being lonely or social anxiety? Maybe these are her "issues".

Perhaps you could try extending a hand to her and make contact, ask her if she's OK and apologise that the group came across like it was a clique and you didn't mean to make her feel unwelcome. That in itself could have a massive positive impact on her life for all you know, if you care enough to do so, that is.

Silvers11 · 19/12/2022 23:04

I think you are feeling guilty OP and have come on here for validation. Yes, she COULD have made a point of joining you - but not everyone can do that. Sounds like even when she has joined in on other occasions, none of you have gone out of your way to actively speak to her and encourage her to join in. Some people are very reserved and do need some encouragement to come out of their shell. I don't think it's kind of you to suggest she has MH issues simply because she finds you all very cliquey either

Original poster
Lotzana · 19/12/2022 23:06

Hillrunning · 19/12/2022 23:02

Poor woman, sounds like she was very upset. Did anyone make an effort once she made her announcement?

You post reeks of defensiveness and so I think you must have some feelings that you could have done more

We hadn't realised this happened until teacher told us after she'd left. I do feel bad that I or one of the others didn't do more in hindsight

OP posts:
SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 19/12/2022 23:06

She felt how she felt...end of!

larkstar · 19/12/2022 23:07

Yes - I would have said something to try and draw them in to the conversation - not everyone finds it easy joining in with group work or interacting with strangers; we're all different. I find there are honeypot personalities that attract the bees easily and there are the opposites - I tend to take more of an interest in the ones harder to get to know, the ones that don't make conversation easy - you can imagine the reaction they get 9 times out of 10 - I always say - you have to dig for diamonds.

Unbridezilla · 19/12/2022 23:07

If she is usually talking to the instructor in the breaks, sounds like it's not the first time she has felt left out.

You say you are introverted, like being introverted means you struggle socially. It doesn't. Perhaps she is shy, you obviously aren't. Sometimes people just need a direct welcome to join in, and it is hard (and only gets harder) when week on week no one can be bothered to do that.