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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She just got up and left

218 replies

Lotzana · 19/12/2022 22:38

I do a weekly language course and tonight was the Christmas party with our group and other more advanced learner groups. Some of our group were sat in a circle and given some fairly difficult Christmas language tasks to do (we're beginners). One of regular ladies in the class turned up and placed herself outside the circle, didn't say hello, only to the teacher.

We were all getting on with tasks and chatting and hadn't really noticed her as she was sat slightly away from everyone and not saying anything. Perhaps someone should have said something but we were a bit absorbed by the tasks and struggling with them to be honest. There was no malice or bad vibes going on towards anyone.

The teacher came along to give her a task and encourage her to get involved with the rest of the group. At this point, she got up and declared she was leaving and never coming back! She said while she liked the teacher, she didn't enjoy the overall experience and found all of our group cliquey!

AIBU to think this was an overreaction and she must have issues? It's a weekly language class, not high school! All she had to do was pull up a chair within the circle and tag onto the task. Instead she chose to sit away from people and then complain she'd been slighted and then leave rather than join us!

OP posts:
AlcoholFear · 19/12/2022 23:43

Yes it’s awful @Nospringchix and I face clients and the public daily. But putting myself out there by going somewhere new, trying a new hobby, meeting new people and probably driving somewhere unfamiliar would be a huge thing for me.

To feel unwanted like this would knock me for at least a week or so. I was always left out and used for convenience when younger. ‘Friends’ would use me to make up the numbers and drop me once a better offer came along

Greyarea12 · 19/12/2022 23:55

Not very nice for a person to walk into a room and not have 1 person (bar the teacher) say hello to her, acknowledge her or even a, hello, how you doing? My guess it isn't the first time either. Sounds like she was late because she was dreading coming into the class knowing yous exclude her and then yous done exactly that and she thought, fuck this.

BeautifulWar · 19/12/2022 23:55

Nobody was fault as such. Someone could have asked her to join but you were all absorbed in your task and it wasn't a deliberate slight. She obviously felt awkward or unhappy though and as a PP said, you don't know what's going on in people's lives. It comes across as judgemental (and a bit unkind) for you to say she has issues in that dismissive way.

SmileyClare · 20/12/2022 00:02

It’s a real shame someone was made to feel unwelcome.

So what if she has difficulties socialising or throwing herself into something? No excuse when you’re adults

The teacher should have included her
Its not school. The teacher shouldn’t have to remind everyone to be friendly.

II think your Christmas do was falsely advertised as a party though 😂

beastlyslumber · 20/12/2022 00:10

I would have smiled and said hello, at least. It was rude of you all to just ignore her. The teacher sounds rubbish as well.

Ttbhappy · 20/12/2022 00:12

You may feel guilty maybe judging from your response but you also sound caring as you worried you did something as a group to upset her, I think it's just something that happens and maybe we all need to be more sensitive to other people and how they might feel.

oakleaffy · 20/12/2022 00:16

A friend is a teacher of English as a foreign language, and says a lot of her students come from troubled pasts with traumas.
You have no idea what the student may have lived through in her past.
You should have welcomed her in with a friendly hello, not been unkind about her on a forum after the event.

MichaelFabricantWig · 20/12/2022 00:25

Wouldn’t give it another thought OP. You’ll never see her again anyway. Yes you could have made space for her to join your group but equally presumably she’s an adult and didn’t need to sit there on the periphery like a lemon.

Nanny0gg · 20/12/2022 00:27

MichaelFabricantWig · 20/12/2022 00:25

Wouldn’t give it another thought OP. You’ll never see her again anyway. Yes you could have made space for her to join your group but equally presumably she’s an adult and didn’t need to sit there on the periphery like a lemon.

Yes, because all adults are super-confident and react the same to social situations

Aquamarine1029 · 20/12/2022 00:29

Vaccine001 · 19/12/2022 22:53

Seems to me.you ignored her YABU.

She also ignored everyone but the teacher.

MichaelFabricantWig · 20/12/2022 00:30

Nanny0gg · 20/12/2022 00:27

Yes, because all adults are super-confident and react the same to social situations

Show quote history

I didn’t say that they were, but equally some people need to develop a bit of resilience. This was a class she presumably went to on a frequent basis, hardly like she was having to give a speech to a room of 500 strangers or something. People need to take responsibility for themselves and things that they find difficult, not expect other people to pander to them.

KarenOLantern · 20/12/2022 00:33

I'm with you OP. I used to be cripplingly, excruciatingly shy, and I used to do things like that (walking into a room but standing apart from everyone else, not positioning myself in a place that was conducive to joining in) because I was scared to, and assumed no one would want me there, even though I desperately wanted to be included.

I learnt (before finishing secondary school) that if I wanted to be included then I had to make the effort. That yes, it's nice if people turn around and invite me into the circle, but I can hardly blame them if they assume that my standing away from them was a sign that I didn't want to join in.

I must have been about 13 or 14 when I came to that realisation and started forcing myself to make the effort to join in group situations.

Also this: She doesn't sound shy or introverted. If she was, why did she make a big scene? If integrating herself into the social situation was so hard, why was it so easy for her to slag you all off and then flounce away? I agree with. If she was that shy she wouldn't have been able to do that.

MichaelFabricantWig · 20/12/2022 00:33

Nanny0gg · 20/12/2022 00:27

Yes, because all adults are super-confident and react the same to social situations

Show quote history

I’m not super confident myself but I can still manage to pull up my big girl pants and behave like a grown up.

Flowersinspringgrowwild · 20/12/2022 00:40

FGS, everyone is such a victim all the time. If she did not make the effort to come and join then why should you stop what you are doing to coddle her. Pathetic "poor me" attitude.

I see posts like this all the time on here, nobody stops to consider that other people are far too busy inside their own heads to deliberately exclude people, most of the time. Everyone loves to be offended though.

YANBU.

AndEverWhoKnew · 20/12/2022 00:47

It sounds as though she's always struggled with the class dynamic. Tonight was the final straw because it was supposed to be a party and not one of your group tried to involve her. Maybe you aren't cliquey but you have all acted exactly as a clique would.

mellicauli · 20/12/2022 00:53

Maybe she made the right decision. She wants a group where they all fawn over each other all the time and this group isn't like that.

Personally, I hate it when you go somewhere and everyone fusses over each other. I hate the attention being on me all the time as I am a little reserved. But I'd happily involve myself in a group engaged in doing something as you describe.

She sounds like a drama queen rather than someone introverted to me.

alexdgr8 · 20/12/2022 00:59

doesn't sound like much of a party.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/12/2022 01:33

Flowersinspringgrowwild · 20/12/2022 00:40

FGS, everyone is such a victim all the time. If she did not make the effort to come and join then why should you stop what you are doing to coddle her. Pathetic "poor me" attitude.

I see posts like this all the time on here, nobody stops to consider that other people are far too busy inside their own heads to deliberately exclude people, most of the time. Everyone loves to be offended though.

YANBU.

Exactly. The op is not this woman's keeper. FFS.

pollyglot · 20/12/2022 01:36

I teach an adult language class, and believe the whole dynamic of the group depends on how skillfully the teacher draws the students into the group, and the tasks. Paired activities, group chats, using cards and games and puzzles to ensure that no-one feels overwhelmed or intimidated. The group, a range of abilities, is wonderfully supportive and unified. We had our Christmas "class" a couple of days ago, and I found some wonderful Christmas jokes and activities online, that took 15 minutes, lots of laughter, and then we had fun, eats and drinks. Language learning should be fun, not some sombre and serious undertaking.

milkyaqua · 20/12/2022 01:39

The teacher came along to give her a task and encourage her to get involved with the rest of the group. At this point, she got up and declared she was leaving and never coming back! She said while she liked the teacher, she didn't enjoy the overall experience and found all of our group cliquey!

From your own post, she didn't just get up and leave. She provided feedback about her experience, and her reasons for leaving, and then left.

Why are you querying her here and debating her reality? Are you feeling a little guilty for not being more inclusive, or are you just wanting a load of people to join you in agreeing she's a real weirdo?

SoMachoHesGottaBe · 20/12/2022 01:50

How did you manage to notice that she 'chose' to sit outside the group whilst not noticing that she wasn't involved in the task at all?

dizzydizzydizzy · 20/12/2022 01:56

Honestly, I just wouldn't worry about it. Some people are strange. I work in a leisure centre, sometimes on reception. We have a barrier which members can open using their membership cards. For non-members, we take a payment for their activity and let three through the barrier. I had a woman snarl at me "let me in!" (ie open the barrier). I asked her what activity she wanted to do and what her surname was and she came up to me and yelled in my face that she was already late for her class and I should let her in.
Very weird.

Other people shit in the showers or changing cubicles. The toilets are between the showers and changing cubicles.

Thatboymum · 20/12/2022 01:58

For somebody who didn’t seem to be aware of anything you seem to be aware of a lot that she didn’t do 🤔

JemimaTiggywinkles · 20/12/2022 02:01

How hard would it have been to include her in your task? If your DC had made the effort to include someone, would you be proud of them?

It’s very easy to let kindness slide as an adult, for lots of very good reasons. But this sounds like an instance where you had the chance to be kind (with no detriment to yourself) and chose not to.

OldFan · 20/12/2022 02:12

Sounds like she has issues.