She just got up and left

[Lotzana]

I do a weekly language course and tonight was the Christmas party with our group and other more advanced learner groups. Some of our group were sat in a circle and given some fairly difficult Christmas language tasks to do (we're beginners). One of regular ladies in the class turned up and placed herself outside the circle, didn't say hello, only to the teacher.

We were all getting on with tasks and chatting and hadn't really noticed her as she was sat slightly away from everyone and not saying anything. Perhaps someone should have said something but we were a bit absorbed by the tasks and struggling with them to be honest. There was no malice or bad vibes going on towards anyone.

The teacher came along to give her a task and encourage her to get involved with the rest of the group. At this point, she got up and declared she was leaving and never coming back! She said while she liked the teacher, she didn't enjoy the overall experience and found all of our group cliquey!

AIBU to think this was an overreaction and she must have issues? It's a weekly language class, not high school! All she had to do was pull up a chair within the circle and tag onto the task. Instead she chose to sit away from people and then complain she'd been slighted and then leave rather than join us!

I’m a naturally shy person and in my experience you have to ask someone to budge up so you can sit in the circle. It’s a bit uninviting if everyone looks up and nobody makes a space for you to sit down but I’ve learned not to take it personally.

I think everyone in the situation should take it less personally!

That was me you quoted, and yeah it's slightly unclear how obvious her leaving was. Also, I'm one of those people too. I find unfamiliar social situations hard too, but the onus isn't on other people. Yes it's nice if people smile and welcome you, but it's not their job. It's not unkind to continue with a task you were set and are in the middle of. You don't know about the social capabilities of those already in the group. Yes, they were all talking to each other, but as part of an organised activity, not in general conversation. If you go to events like this, even if you find it hard, surely the point is to push yourself out of your comfort zone a bit?

If you go to events like this, even if you find it hard, surely the point is to push yourself out of your comfort zone a bit?

Ideally, yes. But none of us know what is going on for the woman, and why she feels the way she does. She's fully entitled to decide that is not for her, and leave.

Why isn't the bold working? I've tried two different ways... Grrrr

Both sides should have made more effort. I always acknowledge late/new comers because i know how awkward it can feel to be in that position and not be acknowledged. Similarly, I know I have a responsibility to maintain certain social etiquette when I've arrived to a social setting.

I think we all know this is your thinking. Well that and you derisively think she has mental health problems.

you write like a bully at school. It’s not my job to talk to her, and constantly using the “we” were doing x. Like you were a hive mind, so I get her point.

nut you’re right op , you don’t need to help anyone. It’s not your job

I do think this woman could have been a bit more proactive herself. She could have turned up on time to begin with, she could have greeted everyone when she arrived, she could have asked something like "Where can I sit? Could you budge up Kate?" or "I thought this was a party, are we doing loads of work?! [Teacher name], you're a slave driver!"

Equally, you and your classmates could have made eye contact, said something cheery as a greeting to the newcomer, indicated a chair or shifted together to make an obvious space, shared what you were doing with her. You didn't do any of those things.

I also do an evening class on another language ( only over Zoom though), and nobody has ever been bluntly excluded to the extent you describe. People have left and the teacher has never shared the reason why the person left, so you could maybe ponder on why your teacher has decided to share your erstwhile classmate's feedback to you. It may well be that she feels as a group you are a bit cliquey and should work on being more inclusive.

When you're sat in a group and see someone walk in the friendly thing to do is say hi and make a space in your circle for them to pull up a chair.

To walk into a room and nobody acknowledge you is really rubbish. And it's clearly not the first time.

Sounds like nobody deliberately excluded her and she could have helped herself. It is unfortunate nobody suspected she was shy/struggling and helped her.

I would feel a bit sorry for her and probably make an effort to say hello to anyone not mingling well going forward in case they are in same situation.

You (as a group) were unwelcoming and cliquey.

However, this is a language class and you are not obligated to make others feel included and welcomed. The point of the class is to learn the language.

I think it partly depends on what the lady wanted to get out of the class. It may well be she wanted to make some new friends and have an enjoyable social experience as well as learning the language. If this was the case, then she was correct to leave as it does sound like this is not the class for her i.e. not an overreaction.

To be honest it doesn’t sound great for a class. Near Christmas - difficult tasks to do. Someone is late and groups already working - for me it would have taken courage to come in late and then to see all the groups working on difficult tasks at Christmas and not one group turned around and said ‘hi Sarah come and sit with us, we need your help it’s Christmas and these are hard’ - that’s what you expect from adults. Not no one notice and no one acknowledge. A Christmas quiz might have been a better option then hard tasks. If you are beginner surely it should be really fun and positive?

That's true, and it's her prerogative to leave. I think putting that on others is unfair though.

@Fairyliz
You are probably right, most people are indeed confident enough to manage these sorts of situations but we aren’t all the same are we. And it’s good to be able to recognise a person’s difficulty with empathy instead of writing her off as a drama queen without trying other tactics first.
It’s clear from the OP that this person was feeling negative for some reason …she didn’t join in easily, as you think people should, she sat on the edge of the group staying silent instead. The signs were there so why not try a word of encouragement and welcome to ease her over that awkward moment. Doesn’t take much effort or time if you spot it and it can really make a difference.

This. It would have been nice for the group to shift around to accommodate her.

This. Mn is full of socially-awkward people who imagine other people talking to their friends at the school gates is evidence of ‘cliques’ and shunning, and think everyone should either stand in silence or continually be on the lookout for anyone standing in silence but secretly wanting to be ‘included’.

If you show up late to a class which is doing group work, then you need to take responsibility for joining a group, and/or the teacher needs to allocate the latecomer to one.

all she had to do was pull up a chair within the circle. Which would have meant asking a couple of people to move their chairs to make a space, which depending on how close the chairs were might have meant another couple of people shifting their chairs too. Not too easy if you have already had some unfriendly vibes from the group on previous meetings.

All the rest of you had to do was smile hello and willingly move your chairs over to make the gap. But you didnt.

I don't think you necessarily did anything wrong, she obviously misinterpreted a busy class of people as her being deiberately excluded. That said it doesn't hurt to help people who are a bit shy integrate into the group. A quick smile and making a space for someone isn;t much effort and can make a difference.

God this thread is pathetic
I have PTSD and social anxiety and have worked through them by taking responsibility for myself - it's not other people's responsibility.
She was a regular member and arrived late when everyone else was already working - it was on her to get a chair and join the group.

She should be on time if she's so socially awkward so can't join in and announce herself properly. She there to learn a skill, it's not nursery school. I would have got stuck in and probably greeted and included a latecomer but some people don't like that. Why do people like me have to do the heavy lifting which can also be perceived incorrectly? You did nothing wrong, it's sad she got upset.

I see this as six of one and half a dozen of the other.

As an adult, introvert or not, if you voluntarily take part in a group activity you have to push yourself to get involved. Step out of the comfort zone. I am introvert myself, but even I here would have pulled up a chair to the edge of the group - tapped someone on the shoulder and asked if it was ok if I joined.

But then it is always lovely in a group situation where you have at least one person who is aware of people on the fringes and makes an effort to pull them in. The teacher should have done this. But it would have been nice if someone had spotted her and gestured her over.

Maybe she was a having a bad day who knows.

This is one of those threads where you really need to hear both sides of the story , not possible in here . I do think someone should have called her back though, or gone after her .

The person that put it on others was the teacher.

Op said she didn't realise the woman had left until the teacher said.

This!!

If I turned up to a Christmas party and had to do tasks/worksheets, I would probably leave too.

Yup, since my first message I see that OP has updated to say they weren't aware of her reasons until the teacher explained. That wasn't clear in the first post, as I've already said.

She 'put it on others' by using that as her reasoning for wanting to leave though, regardless of who she told. Fair enough she found it too overwhelming and left but, it's not anyone else's fault.

Overall I think the teacher handled it pretty badly.

Overall OP you are being additionally cruel by discussing this woman’s response on here to make yourself feel better.
If she “should” have pulled up a chair to where you were all sitting (I presume you weren’t actually “sat” there by someone else) who issued that format of joining classes or activities such that this woman was unaware.