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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She just got up and left

218 replies

Lotzana · 19/12/2022 22:38

I do a weekly language course and tonight was the Christmas party with our group and other more advanced learner groups. Some of our group were sat in a circle and given some fairly difficult Christmas language tasks to do (we're beginners). One of regular ladies in the class turned up and placed herself outside the circle, didn't say hello, only to the teacher.

We were all getting on with tasks and chatting and hadn't really noticed her as she was sat slightly away from everyone and not saying anything. Perhaps someone should have said something but we were a bit absorbed by the tasks and struggling with them to be honest. There was no malice or bad vibes going on towards anyone.

The teacher came along to give her a task and encourage her to get involved with the rest of the group. At this point, she got up and declared she was leaving and never coming back! She said while she liked the teacher, she didn't enjoy the overall experience and found all of our group cliquey!

AIBU to think this was an overreaction and she must have issues? It's a weekly language class, not high school! All she had to do was pull up a chair within the circle and tag onto the task. Instead she chose to sit away from people and then complain she'd been slighted and then leave rather than join us!

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 19/12/2022 23:11

She was late, she’s a regular member of the class, the onus is on her to integrate herself into the tasks that have already started. It’s not up to the students to stop what they are doing and greet the latecomer. If it looked like she was struggling the teacher should have been more proactive in including her.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/12/2022 23:11

Well the manner of her leaving suggests she is a bit odd and lacks social graces.

However...when people form a circle with backs out, I would say it is easier for someone to invite an outsider in than for an outsider to override the social cues and push in.

But the teacher should have managed her into the group when she arrived.

Original poster
Lotzana · 19/12/2022 23:14

BungleandGeorge · 19/12/2022 23:11

She was late, she’s a regular member of the class, the onus is on her to integrate herself into the tasks that have already started. It’s not up to the students to stop what they are doing and greet the latecomer. If it looked like she was struggling the teacher should have been more proactive in including her.

This was my thinking to be honest

OP posts:
Charlize43 · 19/12/2022 23:15

I think the nice thing to have done was to have tried to bring her into the fold.

TheNestedIf · 19/12/2022 23:19

She almost certainly felt that if people had clocked her, which you did, and nobody opened up the circle, she wasn't wanted in that circle

She wasn't going to pull up a chair and force the circle open, because there was no indication she would be welcome, and a strong indication she wouldn't be.

Original poster
Lotzana · 19/12/2022 23:21

It was a very loose circle, not a closed one at all

OP posts:
LovingTheAbbreviations · 19/12/2022 23:21

She sounds a little childish and OTT to me. In my view it’s the teacher’s role to help new people feel welcome in the group, that’s why they do icebreakers and such like so don’t feel guilty for not realising this is what she needed, you’re not a mind reader. If she arrived late, deliberately placed herself outside of the the group and then flounced off she sounds like an annoying attention seeker anyway! It’s defo not a normal reaction that I’ve seen in adults beyond school age.

FlissyPaps · 19/12/2022 23:22

This thread says a lot more about you than it does her ….

It doesn’t take much to smile at her, wave her over and pull up a chair next to you and explain to her what you were doing. That’s just basic decency.

Maybe she felt more comfortable talking to the teacher than she did a bunch of childish adults choosing to ignore her because she came late.

Lindy2 · 19/12/2022 23:22

It isn't the OP's responsibility to greet everyone in the class, particularly if she's already in the process concentrating on a task.

The teacher should be making sure all the participants are happy with the class set up. The lady, as an adult at an evening class she's chosen to attend also has some obligation to take the initiative and join in with the rest if the group.

This is an adult evening class not compulsory high school.

Aprilx · 19/12/2022 23:23

You do sound like a cliquey, unfriendly group. You saw her, saw her by herself outside the circle, didn’t make room for her and basically ignored her. I hope she finds a nicer bunch in a new class.

Cantstandbullshit · 19/12/2022 23:24

Logginglogger · 19/12/2022 22:55

You weren’t so absorbed op, you saw her come in, saw her say hello, saw her sit alone. It would have taken nothing to say hi, bring your chair in here etc, but you didnt

and now you’re on here slagging her off.

Why didn’t she join the group? Is she a child?

FlissyPaps · 19/12/2022 23:24

It isn't the OP's responsibility to greet everyone in the class

Of course, no it isn’t. But it’s a bit weird that the OP has made a thread about it. Any one of those adults in the group could have welcomed her in. But they didn’t. All as bad as each other.

Cantstandbullshit · 19/12/2022 23:26

Aprilx · 19/12/2022 23:23

You do sound like a cliquey, unfriendly group. You saw her, saw her by herself outside the circle, didn’t make room for her and basically ignored her. I hope she finds a nicer bunch in a new class.

That’s not how I read the story, she decided to exclude herself. She could also easily have said hi all and joined them rather than sit aside. Good luck to her with her better group of she is expecting to be begged to join them.

FlissyPaps · 19/12/2022 23:27

Cantstandbullshit · 19/12/2022 23:24

Why didn’t she join the group? Is she a child?

Show quote history

Some people suffer from social anxiety, are shy or just more introverted. A situation like this can be nerve wracking to some people. Especially if you already feel a bit left out and isolated.

Seriously it doesn’t take much common sense to be able to wave someone over and kindly include them into an already established group setting.

Newone2021 · 19/12/2022 23:29

She doesn't sound shy or introverted. If she was, why did she make a big scene? If integrating herself into the social situation was so hard, why was it so easy for her to slag you all off and then flounce away? Honestly it sounds like she likes drama more than anything. Maybe the teacher should have helped her out a bit more but doesn't sound like you were in the wrong.

AlcoholFear · 19/12/2022 23:30

I’m autistic and this is the sort of thing I’d lose sleep over attending. If I managed to go to something like this I’d buy myself a big treat and feel so accomplished.

if you’d all left me out like that I’d go home and cry to be totally honest with you

enjoyingscience · 19/12/2022 23:31

It sounds like she got herself in a bit of a state, starting with feeling a bit left out and then just not coping with the situation. It sounds like she will be too embarrassed to return anyway, but I hope she’s ok.

CuriousMama · 19/12/2022 23:32

Op's probably made the thread because she feels a bit guilty and wants us to say no it's the other lady's fault. We weren't there so can't truly judge. 6 and half a dozen of the other from what I've read.

The lady is probably going through stuff joined the group in the hope of making friends and hasn't. She could be crippled with loneliness. I always go out of my way to include others because of this. Loneliness is a terrible thing.

I doubt very much she'll return. It's very sad.

roarfeckingroarr · 19/12/2022 23:33

She sounds v high needs. I find people like this very tedious. Probs not a big loss to the group,

CuriousMama · 19/12/2022 23:34

Newone2021 · 19/12/2022 23:29

She doesn't sound shy or introverted. If she was, why did she make a big scene? If integrating herself into the social situation was so hard, why was it so easy for her to slag you all off and then flounce away? Honestly it sounds like she likes drama more than anything. Maybe the teacher should have helped her out a bit more but doesn't sound like you were in the wrong.

I think she sounded angry.

Aprilx · 19/12/2022 23:35

Cantstandbullshit · 19/12/2022 23:26

That’s not how I read the story, she decided to exclude herself. She could also easily have said hi all and joined them rather than sit aside. Good luck to her with her better group of she is expecting to be begged to join them.

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Well obviously she didn’t find that easy.

BabyFour2023 · 19/12/2022 23:35

You couldn’t bring yourself to say hello to her? Not one of you? Poor woman, obviously tonight isn’t the first time she’s felt left out. Really mean.

Nospringchix · 19/12/2022 23:39

AlcoholFear · 19/12/2022 23:30

I’m autistic and this is the sort of thing I’d lose sleep over attending. If I managed to go to something like this I’d buy myself a big treat and feel so accomplished.

if you’d all left me out like that I’d go home and cry to be totally honest with you

This is how I feel too, I have general and social anxiety and I would feel increasingly anxious in the lead up to the event I was to attend. If I felt excluded like that I would quietly leave and then never return. Its the sort of situation which would put a dent in my confidence.

Newone2021 · 19/12/2022 23:41

CuriousMama · 19/12/2022 23:34

I think she sounded angry.

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Yeah it sounds like she was angry. But not shy about it

Honeyroar · 19/12/2022 23:41

Why didn’t the teacher encourage her to join in? A good teacher would’ve noticed her looking awkward and slotted her in somewhere with the group. I do language classes and the teacher does that regularly to keep the group mixing. Your teacher sounds weak for not doing that, and also for telling you all what she said, thus making you feel guilty.