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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She just got up and left

218 replies

Lotzana · 19/12/2022 22:38

I do a weekly language course and tonight was the Christmas party with our group and other more advanced learner groups. Some of our group were sat in a circle and given some fairly difficult Christmas language tasks to do (we're beginners). One of regular ladies in the class turned up and placed herself outside the circle, didn't say hello, only to the teacher.

We were all getting on with tasks and chatting and hadn't really noticed her as she was sat slightly away from everyone and not saying anything. Perhaps someone should have said something but we were a bit absorbed by the tasks and struggling with them to be honest. There was no malice or bad vibes going on towards anyone.

The teacher came along to give her a task and encourage her to get involved with the rest of the group. At this point, she got up and declared she was leaving and never coming back! She said while she liked the teacher, she didn't enjoy the overall experience and found all of our group cliquey!

AIBU to think this was an overreaction and she must have issues? It's a weekly language class, not high school! All she had to do was pull up a chair within the circle and tag onto the task. Instead she chose to sit away from people and then complain she'd been slighted and then leave rather than join us!

OP posts:
MrsDarcy1989x · 21/12/2022 00:00

Mummieslncorporated · 20/12/2022 16:12

Lol. A drama queen that left without most people noticing? Doesn't sound like any drama queen I have come across before!

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Not regarding her exit, but rather avoiding participation within the group? Why not talk to people? Why should they make the effort. Why even bother going?

BrewandBiscuit · 21/12/2022 00:06

Sounds like a terrible Christmas party!

GingerScallop · 21/12/2022 00:13

OP, re read a few of your posts. it sounds like this woman is invisible to you and most of the group. You don't really notice her do you? Not even when she left. She has given you feedback. It's up to you and others to take it or not. If you have come for validation the. if course it was all her fault. But if you genuinely want to understand what happened and her feelings then listen also to those of us that say She felt excluded. Some cliquey people do in on purpose. Others probably don't realise they are being cliquey. Whatever the case this may be a chance to reflect and learn

WiddlinDiddlin · 21/12/2022 05:01

I had never realised that looking up when someone enters a room, saying hi and perhaps budging up a bit to make room in a circle is 'fawning' or 'heavy lifting'...

What the heck do you people do to cope with the humungous burden that actually having a conversation must be, every day must be exhausting for you!

Sindonym · 21/12/2022 06:29

GingerScallop · 21/12/2022 00:13

OP, re read a few of your posts. it sounds like this woman is invisible to you and most of the group. You don't really notice her do you? Not even when she left. She has given you feedback. It's up to you and others to take it or not. If you have come for validation the. if course it was all her fault. But if you genuinely want to understand what happened and her feelings then listen also to those of us that say She felt excluded. Some cliquey people do in on purpose. Others probably don't realise they are being cliquey. Whatever the case this may be a chance to reflect and learn

It’s an adult language Ed class. If it’s like any of the classes I have been to they’ll all be fairly invisible to each other. They see each other once a week for a few hours. It’s not school. I had enough trouble remembering everyone’s name in my class & I know others had the same issue with me. No-one knew anyone well enough to form any sort of clique. The OP has already said they hardly know each other.

Teaspooned · 21/12/2022 09:07

GingerScallop · 21/12/2022 00:13

OP, re read a few of your posts. it sounds like this woman is invisible to you and most of the group. You don't really notice her do you? Not even when she left. She has given you feedback. It's up to you and others to take it or not. If you have come for validation the. if course it was all her fault. But if you genuinely want to understand what happened and her feelings then listen also to those of us that say She felt excluded. Some cliquey people do in on purpose. Others probably don't realise they are being cliquey. Whatever the case this may be a chance to reflect and learn

This is well-meaning but a bit silly. Mners misuse the term ‘cliquey’ and ‘cliquish’ all the time. It simply isn’t possible to be unconsciously cliquish, and in any case, it’s not applicable to an adult ed language class whose members barely know one another’s names and who were concentrating on a rather grim-sounding task.

GingerScallop · 21/12/2022 09:15

Teaspooned · 21/12/2022 09:07

This is well-meaning but a bit silly. Mners misuse the term ‘cliquey’ and ‘cliquish’ all the time. It simply isn’t possible to be unconsciously cliquish, and in any case, it’s not applicable to an adult ed language class whose members barely know one another’s names and who were concentrating on a rather grim-sounding task.

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I read first few posts and it didn't specify that they hardly know each other. I several posts later that she commented on another poster that they hardly know each other.
To be fair even weekly groups vary widely. My mil has a weekly language class and they've all become close that when she had an op, one of them came to check in on her. Obviously this is not the case with op but she's also bothered by what happened so I stand by my post. She can learn from this about how excluded some people can feel. Learning can be agreeing or dissgreeing

sheepdogdelight · 21/12/2022 09:21

Teaspooned · 21/12/2022 09:07

This is well-meaning but a bit silly. Mners misuse the term ‘cliquey’ and ‘cliquish’ all the time. It simply isn’t possible to be unconsciously cliquish, and in any case, it’s not applicable to an adult ed language class whose members barely know one another’s names and who were concentrating on a rather grim-sounding task.

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I think it's pretty unfriendly not to say "hello" and move up to let someone join in, even if you don't know their name and you are concentrating on the task.
That's fairly basic level politeness.

It that's normal for this particular class, and the woman wants something a bit more friendly and inclusive, then it's not surprised she left citing the behaviour as the group as the reason. Others may be perfectly happy with it and fine to stay. That's equally their choice.

GingerScallop · 21/12/2022 09:23

GingerScallop · 21/12/2022 09:15

I read first few posts and it didn't specify that they hardly know each other. I several posts later that she commented on another poster that they hardly know each other.
To be fair even weekly groups vary widely. My mil has a weekly language class and they've all become close that when she had an op, one of them came to check in on her. Obviously this is not the case with op but she's also bothered by what happened so I stand by my post. She can learn from this about how excluded some people can feel. Learning can be agreeing or dissgreeing

Show quote history

Last sentence should read something like: she doesn't have to make an effort to include people in the future. she can or not but she can still learn from the situation (given that it bothered her enough to make a post about it

burnoutbabe · 21/12/2022 09:38

It would be rude to not budge up of the lady came and hovered by the circle with a chair.

But if she sat around the edge, having arrived late, one could easily assume she was sitting out this "game" or the course leader said to wait and join in the break (as she was late)

Bleachmycloths · 21/12/2022 17:53

Tbh she sounds a bit of an arsehole. Needs to grow up. In that position I’d join a group, ask what we’re doing and get on with it. What a baby!

icanwearwhatiwant · 21/12/2022 17:58

Bleachmycloths · 21/12/2022 17:53

Tbh she sounds a bit of an arsehole. Needs to grow up. In that position I’d join a group, ask what we’re doing and get on with it. What a baby!

This poor woman, dislikes a social event for a hobby so decides to leave. Discretely tells the teacher why. Teacher blabs to the rest of the class, one of that class start a thread about her and before you know it she's accused of being an arsehole, a drama Queen and having mental health problems.

She is definitely not the arsehole in this scenario!!!

Mandyjack · 21/12/2022 18:05

Maybe she doesn't find it easy to approach a large group and wanted someone to invite her to join in.

Ifeellikeateenageragain · 21/12/2022 18:07

Tbh, while you night not have deliberately excluded her it also sounds as though nobody included her and therefore excluded her. I've had the same experience with the NCT group that I was assigned to - it's very clear in the last few occasions that there's a core group of much closer mums and I'm not part of that group, to the point that no one said hello to me when my child and I arrived at a couple of things and no one had a conversation with me even when I tried to start chatting. I can only assume they don't particularly like me (as is their right!) so I've decided not to go to any more meetups.

Bleachmycloths · 21/12/2022 18:16

icanwearwhatiwant · 21/12/2022 17:58

This poor woman, dislikes a social event for a hobby so decides to leave. Discretely tells the teacher why. Teacher blabs to the rest of the class, one of that class start a thread about her and before you know it she's accused of being an arsehole, a drama Queen and having mental health problems.

She is definitely not the arsehole in this scenario!!!

Show quote history

🤣

SilentShite · 21/12/2022 18:29

Personally I can see a scenario where, when asked by the teacher why she was leaving, she felt embarrassed to criticise the teacher to her face so said 'it's not you, it's these arseholes' just to give her something and get out of there.

Before she knows it, she's got a 200 post thread on mn trying to psycho evaluate her social competence Grin

Bluekerfuffle · 21/12/2022 18:30

It doesn’t have to be high school to feel excluded and uncomfortable. I left an exercise class because of this and I’m middle aged and aren’t normally bothered by not fitting in, but one particular group that went together and all knew each other were just horrible. Some of them would just stare at me like I was some sort of lowly creature when I said hello. They would move into my space and and give me looks until I moved and when we had to get into a circle at the end some would move over to the other side to join it instead of joining in next to me. The other sessions had perfectly pleasant, normal people but that was the easiest one time-wise for me, so I stopped going rather than carry on putting up with that as it does affect you after a while. Who would think things like this happened in middle age, but they do as people tend not to change too much over the years.

YDBear · 21/12/2022 18:47

Why care? She was an arsehole who didn’t try. Life is way too short to ponder the behaviour of arseholes.

Whytheego · 21/12/2022 18:55

AfricanAmericanFriday · 19/12/2022 22:53

Probably it was not the first time she felt left-out and today’s occasion was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Yes I agree with this , it deffo can’t be the first time she’s felt this way . It’s horrible to feel left out , even if others think it’s a bit childish etc .

Mirabai · 21/12/2022 19:16

The internet really isn’t the place to ask this question OP as there are so many people who are on it because they’re exactly like this woman. I knew what responses you were going to get.

LaDamaDeElche · 21/12/2022 19:33

I'm a language teacher. When a new student comes/someone comes in late and there's a group task I get them involved. The teacher was at fault here.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 21/12/2022 22:32

HowDoWeDoThisPlease · 19/12/2022 22:44

How would you have felt if you had arrived late, were maybe a little shy, and the rest of your group completely blanked you whilst they were all there getting along and chatting together?🤷‍♀️

^
This. You knew she was there, you all did, and none of you reached out. And now you feel guilty, as you should.

Bugbabe1970 · 21/12/2022 22:36

Poor thing
A polite hello would have been nice

BoringLittleMe · 21/12/2022 22:52

I'd hate arriving late to something like this as I'm autistic and struggle in social situations.

OP, you noticed she'd arrived but didn't say hi. Yet you didn't bother to say hello either, nor did any of your class. Why is it only on the person who arrives to say hello? You could have greeted her but chose not to.

Her leaving upset is just as much on you and the group than it is on her. Perhaps more so.

T1Dmama · 22/12/2022 03:11

So she was unable to introduce herself and join a group to complete a task… BUT she’s confident enough to stand up and make a fuss and tell everyone they’re cliquey?!?!…..
I wouldn’t waste anytime worrying about it… she’s clearly got other reasons.