She just got up and left

[Lotzana]

I do a weekly language course and tonight was the Christmas party with our group and other more advanced learner groups. Some of our group were sat in a circle and given some fairly difficult Christmas language tasks to do (we're beginners). One of regular ladies in the class turned up and placed herself outside the circle, didn't say hello, only to the teacher.

We were all getting on with tasks and chatting and hadn't really noticed her as she was sat slightly away from everyone and not saying anything. Perhaps someone should have said something but we were a bit absorbed by the tasks and struggling with them to be honest. There was no malice or bad vibes going on towards anyone.

The teacher came along to give her a task and encourage her to get involved with the rest of the group. At this point, she got up and declared she was leaving and never coming back! She said while she liked the teacher, she didn't enjoy the overall experience and found all of our group cliquey!

AIBU to think this was an overreaction and she must have issues? It's a weekly language class, not high school! All she had to do was pull up a chair within the circle and tag onto the task. Instead she chose to sit away from people and then complain she'd been slighted and then leave rather than join us!

The difference between cliquey groups and any other type of group is whether they are open to people that aren't in their "clique".

In OP's case, the person came in late and no one so much as said hello.
When she sat awkwardly on the edge of the group, no one invited her in, or moved to make space.

Sounds like a cliquey group to me.

How diverse is this language group?

If she’d quietly removed herself, that would be fine, but she didn’t.
She tried to blame the other students for her own shortcomings. That’s what’s unacceptable.

At this point, she got up and declared she was leaving and never coming back! She said while she liked the teacher, she didn't enjoy the overall experience and found all of our group cliquey!

If she’d quietly removed herself, that would be fine, but she didn’t.

She could have stood at the door and shouted, You're a pack of cunts! But she didn't. She did quietly remove herself, offering an explanation to the teacher as to why she would not be back. As a regular, presumably this was the last straw.

Why the OP and some posters are feeling the need to pathologise someone for having some self-respect and leaving a situation that made them feel lousy is harder to understand than this woman's actions.

If you read the full thread you'll see that she did leave quietly! OP didn't realise she'd gone until the teacher told them later. And it's likely she only told the teacher her reason because the teacher asked why she was leaving. It was the teacher's choice to share with the group.

Good for her!

Its not like she had a massive strop, but neither did she slink off into the night without saying anything.

She gave the teacher honest feedback about how the experience had been for her.

As for 'its a weekly language class, not high school!" that goes both ways, OP.

I would expect people older and wiser to be a bit more aware of others feelings that the average high school student.

I think she deserves a better group, and hopefully she'll find one.

sometimes you have to push yourself a bit. You can't just sit away from people and then expect everyone to come up to you - you have to try and get involved and not take things personally

As an introvert myself I cannot go up to a group of strangers in a class and just introduce myself. I don't know why this is, it just is. I am always grateful if someone does make the effort to speak to me first. I think you were VU.

That woman didn't "play the victim". She extricated herself from a situation she found unpleasant, and she stated why.

Stating why: blaming the group, rather than taking ownership of her own behaviour. Ie, playing the victim.

She said she found the group cliquey. i.e. admitting it was her perception
If she'd said she found the pace of the classes too fast, would you consider that was also playing the victim?

She didn't say the group were mean and nasty to her.

People don't generally leave groups that they love, so any feedback she gave was going to be talking about something she didn't like.

It sounds like the teacher asked a direct question and the woman just answered it. She was leaving, no need to make something up to put on a good face surely? Might as well be honest.

Nope. Saying why you've made a decision is not playing the victim.

If she had made a scene, than sure. But she spoke to the teacher without anyone else even realising.

And it's only fair that she lets the teacher know that she's not coming back. Nothing wrong with being honest about why.

She did quietly remove herself, despite op making it sound otherwise in the opening post. Op says she didn't even realise that she'd gone till the teacher said.

Sounds like this teacher has the discretion of rhino.

I empathize with the woman who left tbh.

She was probably expecting some sort of casual meet up for Christmas or some nibbles/a quiz but instead walked in to everyone stuck in a difficult task with their heads down being serious. She was probably disappointed and sat on the edge not wanting to interrupt. I understand all those people who are saying you'd just join in but if people were engrossed and in the middle of something (and presumably talking if it's a language class) she might not have wanted to interrupt the flow.
The teacher could have easily said "Hi Sarah, I've set everyone X to do but I'm going to collect answers in 5 minutes so why don't you get a coffee and then come and join in".

Teacher sounds a bit rubbish tbh.

I can see both sides. She was sitting there waiting for you to include her which didn’t happen, you didn’t know why she was sitting quietly away from everyone and didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. Just crossed wires I guess. She’s probably felt a bit left out for a while and this was the proverbial camel.

I think she sounds like a drama queen if I’m honest. I’m all for inclusion and things but if someone’s making no effort, I won’t make any either. Not your fault OP wouldn’t let it bother you.

Lol. A drama queen that left without most people noticing? Doesn't sound like any drama queen I have come across before!

Probably not the first time she felt left out, also it seems she didn't enjoy the "learning in a group" aspect of things.
I feel like the teacher should have sensed there was an issue, and tried to help her feel included. I would feel terrible as a teacher if someone left my class with these words!

It wasn’t a class it was a social event.

I agree, I'm an introvert myself and I find these things awkward but I understand sometimes you have to push yourself a bit. You can't just sit away from people and then expect everyone to come up to you - you have to try and get involved and not take things personally

I do think it's odd that no one called out to her to come and join the group.

I think this is a British thing. In some other cultures, someone would have got up to speak to her.

@Aprilx A social event with tasks? So odd 😅

One of you should have got up and made the effort to include her.

I know, but it was a Christmas party apparently.

At least your group had some drama to gossip about when she left.

What was the general consensus of your group on the situation?

I don’t think this is a case of a group of outgoing sociable people and a shy awkward person.
I think you all sound a bit socially inept 😂

More importantly, Did the Christmas do improve at all or start to resemble a party at any point? 😬

I completely identify with a lot of this. I used to have to do presentations at work and found it really easy, but going on a course with people I didn't know or networking with others in my profession whom I didn't work with filled me with absolute fear.