She just got up and left

[Lotzana]

I do a weekly language course and tonight was the Christmas party with our group and other more advanced learner groups. Some of our group were sat in a circle and given some fairly difficult Christmas language tasks to do (we're beginners). One of regular ladies in the class turned up and placed herself outside the circle, didn't say hello, only to the teacher.

We were all getting on with tasks and chatting and hadn't really noticed her as she was sat slightly away from everyone and not saying anything. Perhaps someone should have said something but we were a bit absorbed by the tasks and struggling with them to be honest. There was no malice or bad vibes going on towards anyone.

The teacher came along to give her a task and encourage her to get involved with the rest of the group. At this point, she got up and declared she was leaving and never coming back! She said while she liked the teacher, she didn't enjoy the overall experience and found all of our group cliquey!

AIBU to think this was an overreaction and she must have issues? It's a weekly language class, not high school! All she had to do was pull up a chair within the circle and tag onto the task. Instead she chose to sit away from people and then complain she'd been slighted and then leave rather than join us!

That teacher's really shit, huh? Not only failing to recognise someone struggling but then telling the group what she'd said privately were her reasons for leaving.

Good for you but everyone is an individual

The group facilitator/teacher is at fault here.

Even if she was late, he should have welcomed her, asked the group to make a space in the circle and then spend time with her to giver her an update about the task and make sure she was happy to start working on it.

I did something a bit similar once. I started attending a Tai chi group at a local small community centre. There was a core group of experience and long term participants who really did not integrate newcomers. I always ended up at the back because I did not know the routines and felt left out from most of the class. After a couple of ''classes'' I walked out in the middle of a session because again the group and the teacher were just doing their routine and I was left on my own with nothing to do and no real opportunity given to learn. The teacher chased after me as I left the room and I told her clearly that I was fed up with the lack of integration and it was obvious this was not a group that welcomed beginners. I was not the only one, a lot of people had sign up to join when I did when they had an open evening and just disappeared too after a couple of weeks.

The point is people do these things to find a relaxed and friendly environment as well as learn something new and no one is going to hand around if they are not enjoying it and feel like the odd one out.

OP some of us are just really really socially awkward. We don't all know how to insert ourselves gracefully into a group of people and it's always easier for those already in a group to reach out.

It sounds like this simply isn't the right environment for this woman. Maybe she's lonely and some well meaning person has encouraged her to "put herself out there" but these things can make you feel more lonely rather than less.

Its nice if people smile and welcome you but it’s not their job

I would have probably greeted and included her but why should I have to do all the heavy lifting?

God all these posters acting like it’s gruelling work to make eye contact and say Hello to someone 😂

Well yeah, you could say the same for the woman who left.

It’s far far easier for any of a group of people with their backs to someone to turn and greet a newcomer.

Its quite difficult to interrupt a group of people talking in a circle in order to throw yourself in.

That woman needs to grow up and take responsibility by apologising for arriving late and getting stuck in, regardless of how awkward it feels. She’s been there all term, this isn’t her first session!!

Each member is presumably paying a fee and attending to improve their own education. It’s not their responsibility to waste the limited class time looking after the other group members.

That’s the role for the teacher who doesn’t sound very good, to be honest.

But if you have your back to someone how do you see them?
Surely it’s up to them to say hi and make their presence known?

I'm very socially awkward in situations like this and some of the rude/ignorant comments on here just reinforce my fear of what people think of people like me. I don't believe that everyone who is socially capable thinks negatively about those who aren't, but just enough do to make life a bit more shit for those of us who struggle to fit in.

I think the OP is feeling a bit guilty, but really in a class situation - even though it was a (not very fun sounding) party - it was ultimately the teacher's responsibility to make sure everyone was included. Still, it would have been a thoughtful gesture if someone could have invited her into the group.

So her taking responsibility by quietly removing herself from a situation she wasn't feeling comfortable in isn't acceptable to you?

Why isn't that an acceptable solution?

if you have your back to someone how do you see them?

I see your point but think it’s unlikely that no one saw the woman come in, greet the teacher and sit down?

I get the feeling that a lot of people have an attitude of “not my problem” when considering an outlier to a group. Even though a small gesture can mean everything to someone on the periphery.

I think a lot of this is to do with the culture of the group - which is why the woman was probably right to go as clearly the culture doesn't suit her.

Some groups are all about including others, making newcomers feel welcome and checking that no one feels left out. Other groups are more about the activity and it's up to individuals to get stuck in by themselves.

If you're not socially confident then clearly the first type of group may be more your thing. If you are socially confident, then you probably don't appreciate how hard the second type is for those who aren't.

I do wonder if the teacher telling the group that the woman thought they were cliquey was meant to be a hint to be a bit more friendly. Although, as the teacher, it is their job to set the culture/expectations for the group.

I'm very socially awkward in situations like this and some of the rude/ignorant comments on here just reinforce my fear of what people think of people like me. I don't believe that everyone who is socially capable thinks negatively about those who aren't, but just enough do to make life a bit more shit for those of us who struggle to fit in.

OP didn't make any negative comments about the woman other than when she blamed everyone else and made herself the victim!

It not your place to mother someone. If you were generally pleasant enough I think thats fine

OP didn't make any negative comments about the woman other than when she blamed everyone else and made herself the victim!

Perhaps read my post properly if you're going to go to the trouble of quoting it and commenting on it @georgarina. I didn't say the OP had made any negative comments. But plenty of other posters have.

OP (and all the others except the teacher) basically ignored her.
Not sure I'd consider that "generally pleasant".

Situations like that set my anxiety off I wouldn't just pull up a chair and join an order established group she might feel more comfortable talking to the teacher and maybe a little anxious/intimidated by outgoing members. I think as stated above outgoing people maybe need to be a little more aware and inclusive of those that are on the out edge there could a million reasons why joining that group might of been a step in trying to over come social anxiety, depression, loneliness, make friends we never know someone's story and it can be extremely hard to put yourself in those situations when your battling anxiety.

OK, no one that I can see is criticising the woman being awkward, just her playing the victim after.

As I said in a previous comment, I have PTSD and severe social anxiety - I used to be completely mute. I understand awkwardness and shyness and anxiety. But that is still that person's responsibility and you can't expect to make no effort and then play the victim.

I got better by learning to work on my issues myself, rather than getting angry and projecting onto other people (which is tempting but unhelpful).

If this woman sits outside the group and only talks to the teacher, she needs to take ownership of her own actions. It's no one else's responsibility and she might be giving off the vibe that she doesn't want to be included because why else wouldn't she take a seat and join the circle.

OK, no one that I can see is criticising the woman being awkward, just her playing the victim after

In what way did she 'play the victim'?

She left a situation she didn't want to be in any more, and explained why to the person in charge. She didn't make a fuss, she didn't create a drama. She just left.

OK, no one that I can see is criticising the woman being awkward, just her playing the victim after.

I don't think we have enough information to say that the woman played the victim.

The thirdhand account we have is that the woman left without OP noticing, and told the teacher that she "didn't enjoy the overall experience and found all of our group cliquey".

It's entirely possible that the following scenario is true:

• On encountering a situation that seemed to her like a collective refusal to acknowledge her arrival or make space for her to join, after weeks of struggling to find a place socially within the group, the woman deliberately left quietly to avoid any disruption, but out of consideration for the teacher, let her know she was leaving (I assume the teacher needs to know which students are present), and also that she wouldn't be returning in future (because it's polite to let people know whether to expect you).
• The teacher asked why she didn't want to come back, because feedback is important for a well-run course, and the woman — a little upset that the experience of attending the course hadn't panned out as she hoped, but trying to be diplomatic and wanting to reassure the teacher that the course content itself was fine — responded that sadly, she'd found it a little difficult to settle into the class, as they seemed to already have an established social group, so she hadn't enjoyed it as much as she hoped.
• The teacher, chatting with the other group members, abbreviated this into an explanation that she'd quit because she found the class quite cliquey.
• OP posts here with her own take on this explanation ("found all of our group cliquey"), combined with a misleading description of how the "leaving speech" happened, and an interpretation of events as "she chose to sit away from people and then complain she'd been slighted and then leave rather than join us".
• Meanwhile, the woman concerned has no idea any of this has gone beyond a quiet word with the teacher intended as a courtesy, and is sitting at home hoping nobody will notice she's stopped attending.

Alternatively, it's possible that the woman is a standoffish attention-seeker who expects everyone else to make all the effort to welcome her like the prodigal son each week, then launches into vindictive accusatory tirades about nasty cliquey bullies whenever she isn't constantly feted and pandered to, painting herself as a delicate socially anxious soul who was cruelly excluded in order to obtain sympathy and fawning.

Since we don't have her side of it, I'm more inclined to be charitable and say that we don't know that she played the victim.

I would imagine that, if the woman had played the victim, op would have had much more to say about it.

That woman didn't "play the victim". She extricated herself from a situation she found unpleasant, and she stated why.

It's almost as if OP feels victimised by someone saying they found the group cliquey.

I would say a normal sort of a person would be examining their conscience and their part in this and making a note to be more welcoming of others in future - not ridiculing and disparaging the woman who left as "having issues."

It's almost as if OP feels victimised by someone saying they found the group cliquey.

Completely!

My first thought when reading the op